Sick of nothing but baby talk ???

LifeISforLivin · 10-06-2008 10:32am #1

First post!

Anyone else in the same boat as me?
Im female, in my late 30's and I dont think I want kids. Before you stop reading, I would like to clarify that I am not one of those militant types who bangs on about "overpopulation, the selfishness of wanting to reproduce" and all that claptrap. I have a Godson and niece who I adore and love me back also, I can change a nappy, wind a baby and am perfectly sensible in all those ways.

My philosophy is "live and let live" -to each their own and all that, I just dont want childeren ENOUGH to go forth and multiply. I dont think being in the Mammy club is a good enough reason either to bring a new life onto the Earth when my heart is just not really in it...

So fair enough I would have thought, or should have thought, but no, I now do not have one single female friend or sister who is without offspring. The last 3 females (one sister, one work colleague and one childhood friend) are all now pregnant. I am literally ALONE with not one other childless female peer to talk to about rubbish/day to day bull$hit.

I am happy for my 3 friends because in one case one of the girls was trying for 5 years, another for over a year. But I simply cannot sustain this level of interest in a lifestyle so alien from my own. I understand how all consuming parenting is and by its nature has to be, but I need peers like myself who have interests other than family life....

I feel surrounded asnd suffocated, I duly show an interest in and respect for their lives but find this is not returned. I get a feeling I am considered silly and vaguely weird, when I would have thought it is responsible of me not to just bring into the world a child I dont really want just to be "in with the gang" ...its just not a good enough reason.

Is it inevitable that every woman must reproduce?
I dont want to? Is there something wrong with me?
I understand the miracle of life, I really do, I see the magic, I just dont think I want the responsibility, I know I would resent it....

I dont want a lonely future but looking around now, I am shocked how in the minority I am. Am I so alone?

RedXIV · 10-06-2008 10:39am

Hey OP,
You have nothing wrong with you and you have valid reason to feel happy enough not to have kids. But you have to remember that your friends that DO have kids, this is a MASSIVE change in their life, one that will constantly dominate it for as long as they live.

Most people have to change when they become parents, the idea of responsibility etc sets in, and i can imagine this may change your friends in some ways, but the main thing to remember is that just because they have kids, doesn't mean thats the be all and end all of their lives.

I know quite a few girls that have NO intentions of having kids, and thats fine. But relationships they've been in have failed because the guy did want them. It's just something to make sure you address if you go into serious relations with someone. I want kids some day and i'm pretty sure it'd be a dealbreaker for me if i was with someone that didn't want any. But likewise, my best mate def doesn't want them.

you're not alone lass, and you're normal. be happy

Red

Trinity · 10-06-2008 10:41am

No there has been lots of threads on here regarding same. Sorry have no links but if i recall one was almost identical.

I was the first in my albeit small circle of friends to have kids and lost them all. I was 25. I didnt have time anymore to do the things we used to do, nor the money. I didnt want to give them up but i turned them down so many times for nights out eventually they stopped asking. But i didnt stop caring about them, i just had responsibilities that they were unaware of due to having none of their own.

It doesnt answer your question but if people are moving in different directions in their lives its hard to maintain the same level of friendship you had once as interests change/differ. If the friendships are important you find a way to meet in the middle somewhere, if not, well new friends with the same outlook are an option.

I always wanted kids but i admire people that make that decision and stick to it rather than bring one into the world just because she has a womb and can.

How Strange · 10-06-2008 10:43am

OP, unfortunately yes that does place you in a minority.

I feel the same as you. I think I should want one, I'm designed to have one but really I can't see my life with one in it. And I'm all to aware that I'm full steam head towards mid-30's so time isn't on my side for dilly dallying on the issue. I enjoy my life as it is and I suppose my only fear would be that I may one day 'regret' not having a child but then again is that a good enough reason to have one? Have one to hedge my bets.

Having said that, I like children and just like you I have nieces and nephews that I adore. I can change nappies, wind, make bottles and do all that stuff.

I had one very close friend that I'd had since I was 16. We kept in contact through everything and thought we'd always be friends and then she had children. It really was like somehow I didn't fit into her new life anymore and she just stopped keeping in contact and seemed to be bored around me. I started seeing a new guy and she never showed any interest in meeting him and now its 3yrs later, she's had another child and we never see each other.

So I empathise with what you're saying. I suppose it's just the way of the world. People move on and sometimes our relationships with friends change as our lives do.

I remember the episode of SATC where Carrie announced her marriage to herself because she felt that her married with children friends trivialised her life because she didn't have the 'same 'responsibilities' as them. I thought that was quite true.

Sugar Drunk · 10-06-2008 10:45am

I know how you feel. I am 27 and have never wanted kids. Its just not my path in life and like you I have a live and let live philosophy.
In work im surrounded by about 5 pregnant women at the moment and have to suffer every detail!. In a board meeting last week at the break all the managers including the men started waffling on about their kids I endured fifteen minutes about how little jonny gets so much joy just from holding his ball. lord save me!
I am so tired about hearing 'ah you will understand when you have your own' or 'ah it changes your life so much' etc etc. I am polite and feign interest but it is often not returned as I am not in the baby group.

when someone on maternity leave brings a baby in I am looked at like an alien just because I dont want to run over and hold it.

thankfully I am lucky enough to have a few friends who also do not have kids and do not want them its so refreshing!!! Maybe its time to see if you can find some like minded people and hang out with them? I really do sympathise if my friends ans sister all got pregnant Id crack up with the baby talk its bad enough in work!

pikku · 10-06-2008 10:47am

Im in the very same boat as you OP...Not quite ALL my closest pals have reproduced, but most have and of those that havent, it's only a matter of time as they are all trying for babies.

It is a tough question. I too dont really feel i want babies ENOUGH - i suffered during my own childhood and from a very young age swore that i would never, ever have kids unless i wanted them more than life itself. Like you, im not totally averse to the idea but i just dont feel that i want them enough - having one to conform to society and keep up with the joneses is not really fair to the child itself.

I now also find myself in some ways friendless - as all my usual suspects for girlie and irresponsible nights out/drinks/dinners after work etc are all busy feeding and winding babies. It is tough for those who dont have kids. But as your post shows - you (and I) arent the only ones. Im just trying to come to terms with this myself now too - and am wondering, will i slowly over time become friendless as they all produce and get babied up.
It is a toughie - and one i dont have any answer to as I am just starting to realise what im confronted with now.

I do think - and please, correct me parents if im wrong - that the early years are the most timeconsuming ones for parents, and over time, parents can and do get back some of their old selves and long for the odd night out etc - so all is not lost. But it is hard to cope with for those who are not parents themselves..

/end of ramblin thoughts...

Trinity · 10-06-2008 10:54am

pikku wrote: »

I do think - and please, correct me parents if im wrong - that the early years are the most timeconsuming ones for parents, and over time, parents can and do get back some of their old selves and long for the odd night out etc - so all is not lost. But it is hard to cope with for those who are not parents themselves..

/end of ramblin thoughts...

Longing for nights out and getting them are 2 different things

I love my kids, I would die for them and its taken me 8 years to admit this out loud, but i miss my life. I miss my friends and even if i do get the odd night out, I know things can never be the same again. Thats for me personally now as i am whats known as an over protective mother. But yes they are always on my mind on a night out and i cant get drunk as i am responsible for them at all times.

I wouldnt change them for the world, some people manage to do both you know, it depends on your support network, whether you are 'chilled' enough to leave them with minders etc. I havent had a weekend away in 8 years and i probably wont either but my sister has been away without hers for a week and weekends etc so i guess it depends on the individual parent but i think its universal that life changes dramatically when you have kids and its not a decision to be taken lightly.

LifeISforLivin · 10-06-2008 11:11am

Thanks everyone all for the replies

Food for thought in them all !

I really, really try with my friends who have children, I babysit and play/ eat with the children when I go around, I make sure I make a good realistic effort not to be one of those "selfish childless/childfree" friends who demands the impossible from already overstressed and overstretched parents, I go to them and enjoy whatever company they can give me and count myself lucky to be invited. Even in work when the conversation is babies all day long, I dont show any impatience and partake with a smile on my face.

So its not like I am discounting or cutting off my existing friends, I am not, I treasure them and understand things cant be like they used to, I dont expect that, but what I am wondering is where in real life do you find the others like me ....?

I suppose what I am saying is, has anyone started all over again with a new bunch of strange friends, because all the old ones are raising families?

seahorse · 10-06-2008 11:35am

Hi OP. No, there's nothing wrong with your decision at all. In fact I wish there were more women out there like you, who, when they realise they do not want children simply ensure it does not happen; there are too many women whose hearts aren’t in it but go ahead and have them anyway and society ends up with the messed up results of their half-hearted efforts.

As for your current situation; the way things stand your friends are pregnant. This is a huge time for them and it's natural their pregnancies will be occupying most of their thoughts and conversation, but just be assured things will not stay that way. I'm a mother of one and my son is in his mid-teens. From the time he was a small toddler, the moment he went to bed at night I had nothing at all to say about kids! Unless something drastic had happened that day, like a trip to Temple Street or something, kids were just not the hot topic of conversation. Come evening time I'd had a bellyful of kids and wasn’t interested in discussing them, and I think it's a common misperception to assume that most mothers are any different. Mothers are still individuals too and usually long for the sense of self they had before motherhood. They are, in my experience, usually happily willing to throw off the mammy mantle when the offer of an evening with a bottle of wine and a gossip instead of feckin goo goo gaa gaa talk is on the cards!

I had one friend though, a childless woman I'd known for years, who just blew off when my son was born. I don’t miss her I have to say. That's how you know who your friends are. It would have meant all the world to me if she'd dropped up the odd night after the babys bedtime, but she couldn’t have been arsed dealing with the fact that I was now a mother. Peoples lives go through cycles of change. Motherhood is just one of them. If these people you're talking about are real friends you'll do your best to accommodate that. They are still the same people; only difference is they have a responsibility now which they must prioritise. If we all looked for friends in exactly the same boat as ourselves there'd be a lot of one-man boats out there and a lot of lonely people sitting in them!

LegacyUser · 10-06-2008 12:15pm

seahorse wrote: »

Hi OP. No, there's nothing wrong with your decision at all. In fact I wish there were more women out there like you, who, when they realise they do not want children simply ensure it does not happen; there are too many women whose hearts aren’t in it but go ahead and have them anyway and society ends up with the messed up results of their half-hearted efforts.

thanks, thats so well put! I dont want kids and get so tired of people (including my own mother!) telling me that I am 'selfish'. Its my life and I am entitled to decide how I prioritise it and what I want to do.

Surely its more selfish to do what one girl I know did - had a kid to keep the OH happy and now works full time in a top exec job leaving these kids with grannys and childminders and never sees them at all.! she had no more interest in being a parent it was just 'the done thing'.

LifeISforLivin · 10-06-2008 2:43pm

pikku wrote: »

I now also find myself in some ways friendless - as all my usual suspects for girlie and irresponsible nights out/drinks/dinners after work etc are all busy feeding and winding babies. It is tough for those who dont have kids. But as your post shows - you (and I) arent the only ones. Im just trying to come to terms with this myself now too - and am wondering, will i slowly over time become friendless as they all produce and get babied up.
It is a toughie - and one i dont have any answer to as I am just starting to realise what im confronted with now.

Thanks for the replies all, parents and non parents alike!

Yes, Pikku, thats exactly it really -those are the shoes I am in at the moment, it can just be a tad lonely -I have my boyfriend but its not the same is it!

Its sad also Seahorse when I read the bit about you would have loved your friend to drop in an chew the fat with ya over a bottle of wine and she didnt, I try so hard not to be that person. And I know there are so many cases where mothers feel even more lonely and isolated and cannot get out and meet people themselves due to their responsibilities, so Im not for one moment underestimating that.

I suppose its just that when you have not chosen to have children friends are all the more important and when they are all busy there's no one!

seahorse · 10-06-2008 3:38pm

Ting Ting wrote: »

thanks, thats so well put! I dont want kids and get so tired of people (including my own mother!) telling me that I am 'selfish'. Its my life and I am entitled to decide how I prioritise it and what I want to do.

Surely its more selfish to do what one girl I know did - had a kid to keep the OH happy and now works full time in a top exec job leaving these kids with grannys and childminders and never sees them at all.! she had no more interest in being a parent it was just 'the done thing'.

Yeah, I know what you're talking about Ting Ting. Our mothers belonged to a different age, so I suppose it's easier to excuse their attitudes; the mad thing is that those attitudes are still prevelant in a lot of much younger women today! My aunt now, she's a very forward thinking woman of sixty-nine. She was well ahead of her time; had two kids and practiced birth control here in the days when it was illegal and had to be aquired on the QT - fair balls to her!

It'd be nice if you could put your view (that it's more selfish to bring a child into this world who's not truly 100% wanted) and have that heard and respected, but in my experience most people are set in their views and there's little point arguing your corner. You'll likely acheive nothing except to annoy yourself. You'd probably be better off just doing a bit of this the next time your mother starts - :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: lol

LifeISforLivin wrote: »

Its sad also Seahorse when I read the bit about you would have loved your friend to drop in an chew the fat with ya over a bottle of wine and she didnt, I try so hard not to be that person. And I know there are so many cases where mothers feel even more lonely and isolated and cannot get out and meet people themselves due to their responsibilities, so Im not for one moment underestimating that.

I suppose its just that when you have not chosen to have children friends are all the more important and when they are all busy there's no one!

Well LifeISforLivin, now that my son is in his mid teens I feel that my arse-wiping days are over, and also the days of listening to blood-curdling screams are gone by the wayside as well, thanks be to God. If I am going to visit a friend who is the mother of a young child I’ll generally try to work that around the babys nap time or after s/he goes down for the night because lets face it; there’s just no point trying to have an adult conversation with a baby bawling up in your face.

When my son was young I always made an express point of telling my friends not to bother calling round till the baby was gone down for the night because, tired and all as I’d be by then, at least I could both focus and relax and have a bit of adult time. Women who are not mothers would be surprised how much mothers (especially the mothers of babies and very young children) absolutely prize a bit of adult time. Jesus, I’m not joking, it feels like nirvana! In all honesty, there are times when a few hours in the company of your female friends can be all at keeps the post natal depression at bay.

I think what you should do is make a concentrated effort to spend time in your friends lives when the kids have gone down for the night or are away in their fathers for the weekend if that is the situation with any of your friends. Also, you should NOT feel that because you aren’t a mother you’d be being insensitive to their situation by expressing that you’d enjoy time alone with them minus the kids. Maybe you’d be inclined to think because you’re not a mother this would be insensitive of you, but if you’re thinking that way you’re being unfair on yourself. I am a mother, as I’ve said, and I certainly am not interested in listening to a chorus of bawling friends kids either! Just gently say that you’d rather see them when you can both relax and have a bit of proper adult time and you’d probably be surprised how quickly any mother will agree with you.

LifeISforLivin · 10-06-2008 3:51pm

Cheers for the insight Seahorse

Its good to have a bit of insider info! I definitely would have been afraid of offending them by suggesting a "child free" evening....sometimes with my friends who are mothers I feel so guilty when I visit (another pressure on her when she is already juggling so much) but the other part of me feels guilty when I dont! lol

Anyway, I will try to engineer a few of these meetings, if they enjoy them I wouldnt feel so guilty, I thought they would just be clock watching till they got home to their "real friends" (kids) lol

Again cheers!!!

seahorse · 10-06-2008 4:32pm

No probs.

LifeISforLivin wrote: »

sometimes with my friends who are mothers I feel so guilty when I visit (another pressure on her when she is already juggling so much) but the other part of me feels guilty when I dont! lol

That's just a perfect example of how the company of adult friends and kids can clash! Honest to God, they just rarely go together. If you're feeling a bit awkward about suggesting a child free evening, or are dealing with someone a bit prickly (as many of us stressed mothers are, lol) just be sure to point out that it's as much for her sake as for yours. Say something along the lines of: "I'd really enjoy a nice evening, just the two of us alone; you deserve a bit of a break and it'd be great if we could have a conversation where we could both hear ourselves think".

There may be practical obstacles, so be ready for that. Some women just cannot or will not leave their baby with a minder, so in that case just suggest calling round with a bottle of wine and ordering food in so she doesnt have to cook. Far from being offended, if she's anything like I was she'll take the bleedin hand off you!

I'd be interested to hear how this pans out actually, so if you have a good night be sure to come back and tell us. (but if it turns into a nightmare with the baby waking up puking all over the place keep it to yourself, I dont want to know! ha ha)

Sick of nothing but baby talk ???

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