I cant deal with my mother

LegacyUser

Honest to god i just want to wash my hands of her completely.
She separated from my father 10 years ago. Took his family house out of spite in the settlement . There is no heating in the house, you could 100,000 grand on the place and not even see it. Its run down and its too big for her. She lives there on her own with 2 dogs and cant keep the place clean. It smells of dog and she looks like a homeless person cause she wont make an effort with her appearance. She has driven everyone away cause all she does is use people to get what she wants then doesnt bother ever ringing them .
Today she is after texting me saying that 6 years ago she lent me money to get xmas presents and that she wants it back and even thou she offered to buy my wedding dress she has thrown that back at me aswell.
she is constantly ill , she constantly looks for attention and will say and do anything so people feel sorry for her. I brought her to my partners house for dinner and even though they only buried their eldest son who died suddenly 2 years ago she persisted to talk about a still born she had 30 years ago.
She had cancer in her throat but refuses to quit smoking.
She wont work and talking to her is like talking to a child. she will not do one single thing to help herself and im tired of trying.
Ive rang her doctor to get an appointment with psychiatrist but she wont go, ive given money talks everything and i just want to walk away and not think about her but my conscience wont let me.
How can i deal with her ?????

Clarins

That's a really tough situation OP, I feel for you and I know what a difficult mother can be like. Seems like she's just looking for attention and knows what buttons to press to get it from you. If she was going to offer you the gifts and then throw them back in your face, then she shouldn't have offered at all. It was her decision to do that so you don't owe her on that level and don't feel guilty, she can't buy your undivided attention.

However you are in a dilemma since she's your mother but you seem to have done all you can to help so far but the only person who can cop her on, is herself. This will stress you out and make you ill if you let it. Do you have any siblings to ease the burden or does she just depend on you?

Would you maybe think about cutting contact with her and telling her you are done with her then leave her to it for a couple of months. Don't let her have any contact with you at all, don't visit her or see how she is. Then when enough time has passed and she knows you mean business, make like you're giving her one more chance. She will have all that time to think about the things you really do for her and how much you have tried to help her. Even if she is the most selfish person on earth, it will definatley make her change her thinking.

LegacyUser

I tried that cutting contact with her and didnt speak to her for a month up untill last week when i couldnt stand it any longer and i drove out there to sort it out. I get so mad i feel like im going to burst and i would give anything to cut contact completely but i have my wedding coming up and i would never be able to live with myself if anything happened to her out there on her own.
She thinks thats its us the kids who is at fault and has even said that she feels resentfull towards us , shes hurtful and a bitter bi*ch. she didnt always be like this she was great but now all she wants is someone to feel sorry for her, she just really wound me up today and im in tears over her i really just feel like i cant deal with her. Then to make matters worse my partner doesnt no how scheming she is and he thinks im the bitch for being mean to her so i cant actually talk to him about her....
Im literally at my wits end and i feel like im crazy.

akamossy

I don't think you should walk away, after all she is your mother. But i do think you should stick up for yourself more.. refuse to help her until she helps herself. But in saying that, make sure that she is ok. It's all you can do really.

Obviously it's up to you if you want to walk away from the situation but i think you'd regret it.

badolepuddytat

She's not going to change if she gets what she wants by acting up: attention. By the sounds of things you're stressed over the wedding and she's looking to maximise the upset and chaos by playing the 'poor me with my awful, uncaring child' card. I wouldn't entertain it, tell her if money was given/offered in good faith it's wrong to begrudge it after the fact, as you were given it without strings you'll do your best to repay it when you're in a position to do so but that you haven't budgeted to cover it immediately. No matter how stuck you are don't accept anymore off her and try not to pay too much heed of her in the run up to the wedding, all she wants to do is detract from it and make you think more about her than yourself and the wedding. You and your fiance need to have a serious heart to heart, are you embarrassed to share all the gory details with him? He should understand the pressure you're under, not add to it.

Talliesin

cantdealanymore wrote: »

I get so mad i feel like im going to burst and i would give anything to cut contact completely but i have my wedding coming up

There's no law that says you have to invite parents to weddings.

cantdealanymore wrote: »

and i would never be able to live with myself if anything happened to her out there on her own.

So you're going to wait until something happens to her while you're still in touch with her and feel guilty about that instead?

You can cut her out. I'm not necessarily saying you should, but you can't make a decision not to if you don't think you have that choice. It's amazing the difference having a choice can make, even if you don't take it.

**magnolia**

Im literally at my wits end and i feel like im crazy.[/quote]

I am in a similar situation and all I say is you aren't crazy, if someone is very unhappy with themselves they project it onto the people they are closest to.

Unfortunately you can't do very much to change her until she sees the error of her ways herself.

Just distance yourself for a while and let her realise that she will get attention from you by sorting herself out and treating you properly and that she won't get attention by being selfish.

It works for me as I spent a lot of time battling back and getting angry to no avail, now that she knows that the only way to get my attention is by being reasonable with me things have gotten a lot easier.

Good luck

bullpost

She may have NPD see - ttp://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html#npd

unreggd

OP, im actually exactly the same!

I just came home and left when I was 17 as my brother was ill and i was in danger and she wouldnt do anything about it, so now im livin with my dad

As yourself, she's a messy person [very bad for mental health] and the irony is that she's a cleaner!

she never had any interest in me. She only wanted me there so the house wouldnt get sold yet, and because she was gettin all these payments for me [of which she spent nothing on me]

she drove everyone away, and now shes in the house all alone. im 20 now. 3 years on and shes exactly the same, thinks its all about her

So i just moved on. im at the stage in my life of crazy changes/decisions with work/college/travel etc [but good ones! ]

the last thing i need is worryin about why shes such a spanner

theres just no talking to her, and shes a horrible

and if people say "But she's your mother... punch them in the face

You shouldnt have to lie to keep a mean and selfish person happy
You'll just feed their stupidity, and look and feel like a spanner

good luck, and PM away if ye wanna know anything else

LegacyUser

What i dont understand is why she chooses to live the way she lives or dress the way she dresses. I could call out to see her and her be in a pair of shoes that are literally falling apart yet ive bought her loads of shoes and clothes and she just refuses to look after herself.

Everytime we say anything to her she starts crying and says its not my fault i got cancer (10 years ago) or its not my fault im sick etc.. she is the most pessimistic person i have ever met and my father. who i do have a relationship with. has moved on and has a great life and even has a new partner.

I went to see him for a drink to sort out finance to do with the wedding etc and my mother texts me saying i found out you went to see him and her , theres no place for me in this family anymore ????? WTF like ??? It is honestly like dealing with a spoilt child, ive tried the being nice approach and ive tried the mean one none of them seem to work .. sorry for venting but if i didnt i think i would explode , yesterday she made me so angry i hit the phone repeated off the phone set in temper.. i dont like how she can make me so angry and im just so tired of it all....

LifeISforLivin

Hey all -sorry to hear of your troubles.

Ive not read it but heard this book is very good

"Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life "

Seems a lot of these "toxic parents" use guilt manipulation to control their adult children....

Good luck

LegacyUser

you mentioned other kids - do you have any siblings you can talk to? It really might help especially if they feel the same way it will help you to realise you are not crazy or over reacting.

My mum, while nowhere near as bad as yours, also used to do the guilt thing. anything my parents gave us at one stage was used against us in arguements and used to make us feel guilty. It was only when my brother refused to take anything off them I realised it was not me who was selfish or ungrateful - it was my parents who had a problem, they could never give a selfless gift.

Its so so hard to turn your back on a parent but from the sounds of it this is taking over your life, stressing you out and affecting your relationship with your boyfriend? You are entitled to a life to and sometimes you have to be just that bit selfish.
maybe explain that you love her but issue an ultimatum - either she agrees to help herself and take up the offer of counselling or you cannot help.

Is there a relative - aunt/uncle that you are close to and that know her well that could intravene?

Nevyn

unreggd advocating anyone punching anyone in the face for any reason is not acceptable in this forum.

Suggest this again and you will be banned.

courageoussteve

I know exactly how you feel, the pure frustraction / anger / hurt of it all!!
The only thing I could do, is accept that she's metally ill and treat her as such, and while this makes me extremely sad , at least it give me a sense of persective and a way of coping, because parents can reeaallyy mess with your head. ( here's a hug )

John Mason

Your mother is obviously having some nervous issues and i think you are being very selfish about the whole thing.

Get your mother to the doctor or get the doctor out to your mother. This seems to have been going on for years, at this rate she may possibly need to be sectioned, as she hasnt appeared to receive the help she needs.

You and your siblings should have sorted this out years ago. From what you are saying this all started after the breakdown of her marriage.

I know it is very inconvient of your mother to be suffer from depression or a nervous breakdown or whatever is actually wrong with her, when you have a wedding to planning.

LegacyUser

Irishbird Did you post that as a joke or something ?? You dont know the HALF actually not even one 100th of what my mother has put us threw and im certainly not going to defend how i act towards her to someone who could be stupid enough to post something like that.

To the other posters, thanks for your comments. courageoussteve , I would be interested to no how do you cope or behave around someone who is bi - polar or mentally ill , any tips? Someone outside of boards ( a professional ) told me i had done all i can do and that i have to not cut her out of my life but emotionally detach myself from her ? Anyone got any ideas how the hell i can achieve that ?? i would love to i just dont no how as she always gets so personal and emotional ....

Loopy

irishbird wrote: »

Your mother is obviously having some nervous issues and i think you are being very selfish about the whole thing.

Get your mother to the doctor or get the doctor out to your mother. This seems to have been going on for years, at this rate she may possibly need to be sectioned, as she hasnt appeared to receive the help she needs.

You and your siblings should have sorted this out years ago. From what you are saying this all started after the breakdown of her marriage.

I know it is very inconvient of your mother to be suffer from depression or a nervous breakdown or whatever is actually wrong with her, when you have a wedding to planning.

I think that's a load of crap. The OP seems to have done all she can for her mother. We are responsible for ourselves.

Her mother seems very devious and selfish to me and dosen't seem to want help. She's enjoying wallowing in self pity.

Op, take a break from her. I would write a long letter explaining exactly how you feel and maybe she will see how difficult it is for you.

courageoussteve

looptheloop, you hit the nail on the head, couldn't agree more +1

Keano

OP only you can make the choice to walk away. Yes she is your mother but that does not give her right to take advantage or treat you badly.

badolepuddytat

Op, by your responses you seem to have some issues dealing with frustration and pent up anger, maybe by understanding the effect that your mother has on you you'll be able to deal with it better?

irishbird wrote: »

Your mother is obviously having some nervous issues and i think you are being very selfish about the whole thing.

You and your siblings should have sorted this out years ago. From what you are saying this all started after the breakdown of her marriage.

This whole post was very, very insensitive, I wonder what expertise you have in mental health to dictate to others how to manage others personality quirks. People have the right to live in squalor if they so choose, some people are not considerate, are manipulative etc, etc, and if that leaves them in a difficult situation despite others trying to intervene in an appropriate manner, it's by their own choosing. Also, projecting blame for their problems onto others who have tried as best they can is just spiteful.

LifeISforLivin

cantdealanymore wrote: »

Anyone got any ideas how the hell i can achieve that ?? i would love to i just dont no how as she always gets so personal and emotional ....

I know I said it before but that Toxic Parents book is all about what you are going through, exactly and supposed to be really good, I think it gives strategies for foiling the manipulative and "martyr act" type behaviours that these people use.

Mentally ill people deserve sympathy yes, but left unchecked their behaviours can destroy adult families and tear siblings apart, you cant give in to their manipulations.

LegacyUser

I will definitely have a search for that book thanks for the recommendation i do appreciate it and i do appreciate everyone who posted, obviously except irishbird.
It kills me seeing her like she is , she was such good fun going back a few years even after the cancer and even after my father left . I am going to try distance myself and try not to feel so guilty for her being there on her own, i do have to realise that no matter how i push her she has to do this herself but its frustrating cause she could have a life for herself if she would only just try ......

Trinity

It sounds like she is mentally ill, do you think she is? You know her.

There is only so much you can do for people if they do not want to be helped but i would try once more to get her help.

She is on her own in a big house, her marriage broke up and her kids are raised. She is probably miserable and blaming you and your siblings. SOme parents are resentful that (well they feel) that they gave up there lives to raise the kids and when they grow up and leave, the parent(s) has nothing.

Its certainly not the kids fault, they didnt ask to be born, but when you are depressed, it comes out sometimes in anger and you always hurt those closest to you.

What was she like when you were growing up? A good mother?

unreggd

Thaedydal wrote: »

unreggd advocating anyone punching anyone in the face for any reason is not acceptable in this forum.

I only meant it as a figure of speech

when you have these kind of issues you'll understand everyone will always say But she's your mother, which doesnt help at all

Trinity

cantdealanymore wrote: »

I will definitely have a search for that book thanks for the recommendation i do appreciate it and i do appreciate everyone who posted, obviously except irishbird.
It kills me seeing her like she is , she was such good fun going back a few years even after the cancer and even after my father left . I am going to try distance myself and try not to feel so guilty for her being there on her own, i do have to realise that no matter how i push her she has to do this herself but its frustrating cause she could have a life for herself if she would only just try ......

My Mam was the same, great for a laugh, funny, kind, but then she got 'sick' and has never been the same since. Shes nothing like your mother tbh but still not the same person.

I know you have spoken to her but try again. Sounds like she has been through a lot. And dont start the conversation with "you did this and" you did that", as naturally she will get defensive.

Just start by saying you dont seem happy, you have changed etc. She will probably shout and say of course i am not happy etc but dont be drawn in to a row, thats emotionally distancing yourself without leaving her altogether.

I know some parents are just f*ckers that abuse their kids or neglect them or are as people say, manipulators but it doesnt sound like your mother has always been like this.

Rather than toxic parents, how about sad, lonely, frightened parents. At a time in their lives realising they have nothing once the kids leave. Ever heard of Empty Nest Syndrome? Its very common.

LegacyUser

Im so tired of trying to talk to her , but all we end up getting is "ye never do anything for me i gave ye everything " and has basically told me that she expected to get paid for being a mother when we started earning ..at first i used to give her money but i dont have it to give anymore, i have a mortgage car loan other loans i took out when i was younger as i had no financial support from my parents , i started work when i was 13 in bar just to have some pocket money. We have bought her furniture, clothes, shoes and even cars (2) one of which she left rot in the back cause she couldnt be bothered to drive it. So it literally just rotted away.
I have had the " your not the same person " conversation many many times with her and in January we took her to a healer and she was positive for a bit but afterwards but now i think your right i think she actually resents us even thou we're the only ones who have tried to help her for all these years , at the moment i genuinely feel im gonna end up in counseling cause she is actually soul destroying .

courageoussteve

cantdealanymore wrote: »

courageoussteve , I would be interested to no how do you cope or behave around someone who is bi - polar or mentally ill , any tips?

I don't think I'm really in a position to give advice, as I'm certainly not proud of any of this.

My mother has been like this since I was 9/10 (same year my dad passed away).

The best way to discribe the relationship is distant.

I still she my mother 2/3 times a month.

I don't visit her house, we normal eat out, ( have to as the house is filthy)

When we do meet conversation is confined to small talk (weather, sports, prices blah blah blah etc)

Nothing important to me is ever discussed as she is never told. (she has never meet any of my gf / friends and probable never will)

I have bothers and sisters and we've all learnt the hard way that this is the only way to deal with this.

I would dearly love to change all this (I pretty much give you everthing I have if you could fix this ), but it's been 17 years and the only thing that has changed is me.

I can tell you that over those years there was many a times that I thought I had a problem, because this realy screws with your head.

The only advice I can give you is to try and keep a level head and constantly remind yourself of all the things you have in your life that makes you happy.

P.s. It's great to have you on the boards - (one understanding ear to another)

mags16

I know Irishbird's post was insensitively phrased but she has a point. I had close family member's who had spells of mental illness. They were the most frustrating people to deal with when they were ill. Trying to reason with them was impossible. I was so upset at things they said but had to realise that it was the illness talking, not them.

But when you accept that they are ill and that they are seeing the world in a different way to you, it somehow becomes easier. Don't engage in arguments with your mother because you will not win them. I'm glad that you can't break off contact - you'd regret it bigtime if you did. She is your mother after all.

IMO What you should be aiming for is getting her mentally assessed. It may take a long time cos she will resist it. And lots of people who get help get better and they can lead happy full lives.

Most importantly, protect yourself emotionally.

LegacyUser

courageoussteve thanks for your post and im truly sorry to hear your situation is as it is and i appreciate your advice and honestly as i also appreciate what a sensitive subject it is.

Mags have you ever tried to get someone who thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with them to go and get mentally assessed ? Its impossible. She thinks we are the ones who are crazy and talking nonsense. We have tried to approach it in many different approaches and disguises but all of them fail because you basically cant help someone who doesnt think they need help nor want it. and its taken me many many years to finally resign myself to that fact.

What eats me up also is if anyone is with me when we visit she acts like everything is perfect, like there has been no fighting and therefore my partner finds her funny and charming and silly and nothing like the woman i have been describing who sends vicious texts and hounds us for money and basically blames us for everything that has happened to her...