I'm in love with my best friend...

LegacyUser

Yeah this is a common problem. And I guess I'm not really expecting any insights or pearls of wisdom as I am looking for a place to rant...as my usual ranting board (him) is kind of unavailable for this rant!

So he's my best friend. Truly. I tell him everything and he tells me. He's been my rock through all the **** I've gone through in the past few months and I'd be lost without him. I talk to him every day via several txt and multiple emails. I wake up thinking about him, go to bed thinking about him. Sometimes we spend all day just hanging out and watching movies in my flat or in his room (he still lives at home). We've slept together in the same bed but just slept. Mind you usually ending up in each others arms or spooning with sleepy waking untangling before fully waking up...dang it!

But here is the clincher...I am just out of a 9 year relationship and I'm afraid that what I'm feeling for him is projection from the loss of the relationship. Like I've allowed him to slot into the gap my boyfriend left. But it feels stronger than that. Plus the other side of the coin...he thinks I'm in love with another friend of mine whom I've been friends with for over 12 years. We had a brief fling about 10 years ago that lasted about 3 weeks but it wasn't working for either of us and we just stayed friends. Very close friends. And he thinks I still have feelings for him...I don't.

What the hell will I do? I'm trying to continue on as normal. Just keep the friendship on an even keel but its killing me. I feel awkward now when we hang out and do my best not to touch him at all. I'm quite a tactile person so thats strange for me. We used to hug when we said good bye but not anymore because it was just too hard to hug. If I do make a move and hes not interested then our friendship will fail and frankly I dunno if its worth the risk. His signals are so mixed that I have no idea how he feels about me. I'm confused and living in the hell with the exquisite torture of unrequited love...
Sigh.

My one ray of light is that I'm leaving the country next easter for a year and hell if I cant do anything between now and then then he will be getting the goodbye kiss of a lifetime!

Storm_rages

I think you should tell him.. life is too short..

The Bollox

fear of losing such a good friend can be very hard to conquer, and I fully empathise as I am in more or less the same situation. there have been a few occasions where I have been really close to telling her how I really feel, but fear of the consequences keeps me at bay

RedXIV

Things like not hugging him any more are going to be sending mixed signals back to him. And they are also going to present to him that something is up.

Let's face it lass, if he's as good a friend as you say he is, he's not going to disown you or anything if you tell him how you feel. Things might be awkward for a while but they'll get better if you know where they stand.

Live a life without regret or you'll always have something that haunts you.

My advice, tell him

Vegeta

tell them

if it is a real friendship they will understand

tin_can_ted

My experience is slightly different from yours (I'm gay) but I fancied my friend for years.

I told him that I fancied him and he was chuffed. I then told him that I didn't fancy him any more a few months later but I was just lying to myself. I then told him that I fancied him and never stopped fancying him indeed.

He said that it was one of the most stupid things that I've ever done lying to him about it.

I think you should tell him. Honestly, yous sound very close and the worse thing to come of it is that he could say that he's not into you. After everything, you will still have a very close friend

punchdrunk

i've been on the otherside of this before,being the person that a girl confides and trusts after she breaks up with a guy,
the trouble is if you've feelings for her it's very hard to act on them because if she doesn't feel the same then all that support you gave is seen in a different light and suddenly your just like every other bloke trying to "get stuck in" maybe he feels the same?

the balls in your court!

biko

Perhaps rather than saying "I'm in love with you", say something like "I'm starting to think I like you more that just as a friend".
This way you don't come on so strong and you still say you want to be closer to him.

akamossy

It's a hard one alright, when we are really close to someone in that way it can sometimes be very diffcult to not develop feelings for him. I think that while the friendship may be in jeopardy if you do tell him, it will also be if you don't.

From your post it's clear you've become uncomfortable around him because of your feelings so it really is a difficult situation but i do think you should tell him. You never know you may be pleasantly surprised.

But as has already been said life is too short, go for it. and if he is as good a friend as you say he is, even if he doesn't feel the same way, he won't disown you as a friend.

milod

yeah it's that simple... and no you won't lose him as a friend etc etc

It took me and my partner 19 years, 2 failed marriages and 6 kids between us to finally get together. But it's the best thing we ever did...

Go for it, be clear and honest, don't beat around the bush, just say the words.

aidan24326

milod wrote: »

Go for it, be clear and honest, don't beat around the bush, just say the words.

Yes but like Biko said don't let the words come across too heavy. There's no need to steam in and tell him straight off that you're in love with him. Just tell him you like him as more than a just a friend, that your feelings for him have grown stronger, and see how he reacts. You have nothing to lose really, if he's a good friend he won't stop that friendship just because you fancy him. On the other hand you potentially have alot to gain, so just do it! You may be pleasantly surprised.

Overheal

You really only have to ask yourself if you think the friendship can endure finding out if there is something more there.

star-pants

Agree with Biko - be careful about it - don't come on too strong.
I'd a long term friend tell me that he liked me before, and he'd been someone I told stuff to etc. But I wasn't interested that way. It was weird and awkward at first, but after a few months we're sorta ok again.

So it is possible to not lose the friendship, but don't come on too strong, and make sure it's really what you want.

LegacyUser

Life is too short and before when i felt something for a friend I didn't hesitate because life IS too short. But this friendship is probably the most important one I've ever had. I'm not great at making friends and have only a small circle of friends I could count on one hand that I am close too. So to lose one would mean a big deal. This one specifically. He too is of the small circle of very close friends ilk and has said to me before how important I am to him. But he;s also mentioned of another close friend he had (past tense) that he ended up being with for a short time and then the friendship fell apart. So he is very much against the whole friends becoming lovers kind of thing. Where as I would be the opposite. All my past relationships have come from friendships I had with the men in question first.

About 20% of me thinks he feels something for me and the other 80% doesn't. His signals are mixed but I prefer to err on the side of caution regarding my heart.

Plus when I think about this rationally I don't think we are all that compatible as boyfriend/girlfriend but again having said that I think that train of thought is a protection mechanism for my inevitable rejection...sigh.

I think I'll have to ride out this crush and focus my attentions on sustaining our friendship.

'Ol Jack Chance

I actually tried this with a mate of mine, got shot down, didnt hear from her for a few months then outta the blue sends me a text hey hows it going etc things are starting to get back to normal now were still emailing a bit, just not as much as usual (she has bf now). Im still glad I went for it tho. Nothing ventured nothing gained and all that. If hes a real friend hell talk to you again even if he shoots you down

Overheal

It shouldnt matter that youre compatible, and if youre first post is anything to go by: you are. But trying to "ride out" that crush will only get worse. Try and take Biko's suggestion at least.

LegacyUser

There are a couple of reasons that I don't want to tell him how I feel.
Like I said before I am leaving the country soon and I don't want to "leave him behind" as it were. I know I'll be leaving him behind anyway but not as a boyfriend.
The compatibly thing is important though as I'm not willing to risk this friendship or just sex. If I don't think it can be a long term thing then I'm not interested.
And I guess the real reason...I'm just a big frackin chicken **** who is too scared to tell him how I feel!

I mean c'mon why cant we just all be upfront about these things? Why do we have to read signals??? Its annoying!
When we walk down the street he sometimes takes my hand, he sends me good morning txt messages and good night ones, and he is more than thoughtful, he never lets me pay when we go out for movies or food. Gawd!!! He goes above the call of duty for friendship but makes no overtures towards anything else...WTF???

Okay I'm just pissed off now more than confused especially with the text I just got from him hoping I sleep well. DAMMIT!!! Okay operation "Tell him how I feel" needs to go into motion!

JerryHandbag

CrudBuckets wrote: »

Okay operation "Tell him how I feel" needs to go into motion!

Youre damn right it does! Sounds like hes holdin a candle for you too! GO FOR IT! lifes too short

LegacyUser

I had a good friend, really good friend whom I developed strong feelings for, told her.....and now, well.....things have gone quiet, very quiet! Seems my display of emotions was enough to frighten her and perhaps shake up the good thing that we had. Things were great before, we got on so well, when I told her how I felt things obviously changed as it wasnt what she wanted.

My advice, say it, as others have said, maybe dont come on too strong. If you dont do it you will regret it and its better to have things out in the open and at least know how you stand than living in an imaginary world, always wishing and hoping that things could be different.

Do I regret saying it, yes and no. No, because I just had to say it, couldnt pretend any longer, wanted to take the chance, a risk, see how things would work out. And Yes, well, for obvious reasons :op, but, 'no regrets' eh.

Good luck.

RedXIV

JerryHandbag wrote: »

Youre damn right it does! Sounds like hes holdin a candle for you too! GO FOR IT! lifes too short

after your second post, i'd strongly agree with the above. The guy seems to have a bit of an interest in you lass, if that wee bit of a confidence boost works, then go ahead and tell him

aidan24326

Did you tell him or not then?

LegacyUser

aidan24326 wrote: »

Did you tell him or not then?

Oh boy did I (This will be a long one, I hope you are comfortable)...only I had to get stinking drunk! What started as some dutch courage turned into dutch cowardice! And I murmured something about liking him and wanting to kiss him...its all a bit blurry. And I said I was gonna kiss him...gave him loads of warning, to which he made no response (note: he was no where near as drunk as me)...and when I leaned in ...*GASP* he leaned back! Shot down! SICK BURN!

So I froze, he groaned, I pulled away, mortified! And he left...so there ya be. But no...sadly it doesn't end there. He went home and sent me a txt making sure I got to bed okay. Yeah that was a struggle to go 20 feet from the couch to the bedroom! Anyhoo...my day progressed at work slowly and hungoverly and I had a few emails from him chatting in general about what not. Usual day to day email exchange between us and it wasn't awkward or weird...which in itself was weird...

And for this next bit you need some back ground...a couple of months ago in his room we were watching movies. I fell asleep, he fell asleep and in his sleep he rolled over and there was hand to boob gropage! He claims to be asleep for this but it was under tee hand to boob as opposed to languid arm throwing... He told me about this the next day as I did sleep through the whole exchange...

Anyway yesterday the txt taunting started...more like txt flirting...and I said something that left him stumped, slagging off his football team I think. and he said "you have me there. Well played" and I replied, "you are loosing your touch, old man" and he gets back saying "Never lose it, not that you'll ever know, BURN" and I bring up the hand to boob incident and mention that last time it happened I slept through it so it cant be all that! Then he says..."So you never wondered why I rejected your advances..."
*GASP!* So I played it cool and said I know why and he changed the subject...so that was yesterday.

Then this morning same thing happens...he emails me this morning, usual bullcrap, to and fro for a while. Then on the way home from work I get a txt and more slagging ensues...but I'm pissed off with his crap now so I don't reply. Then later on I do, post dinner, shower and clean up when I'm more relaxed. But I guess my delayed reaction and well put replied taunt didn't go down to well coz all I got was a "I'm way past giving a sh1t now" reply. So I left it at that. I'm sure tomorrow I'll get an email at lunch telling me what ever about whatever...but I'm disinclined to reply to it and get suckered in again.

Its ridiculous. I'm pissed off coz he doesn't have the balls to come and talk to me, I invited him round Friday but he's suddenly developed an interest in the Euro football that wasnt there before. I'm sad because I was sooooo close...lol...I mean hell...sooooooo close! I'm scared coz if he's being a moody prick about all this will he get over it and let us continue on as friends? And I'll take his moody prickishness for a week or so if it means he gets over this and lets us get back...if we can get back. Hes being so bloody cryptic! If hes not into me that way just bloody tell me and stop with the feckin flirting txt's, if he is then get over here and kiss me for gawds sake!

Just come over and talk. Thats not too much to ask is it?

Ronko

Oh man...that sucks!

I went through something similar a couple of weeks ago and we still haven't come back to even footing. He said he dos like me that way but wants to give me more time to get over a recent break up. Which I guess is fair enough. Well hell, don't give up eh!

and let us know what happens...:o

srdb20

Go for it OP, i did this when i was younger (i think i was 15 or 16), didnt turn out quite the way i hoped but i think it was more puppy love than anything TBH. With that in mind i can always look back on it and i know it was the right thing to do, if i hadn't done it then i would be prob regretting it all the time and wondering "what if", definitely not the way to live.

I definitely have to say, you will have more fun going through life without regrets!!!

Stop thinking about the worst things that could happen and concentrate on the great stuff that can could come out of it....

Tar.Aldarion

Once you tell them give them space if they do not reciprocate. Maybe don't see them for a while. Otherwise you will lose your friend and regret it like I do.

LegacyUser

Well, you said it anyway. Perhaps being completely drunk at the time wasnt the best course of action! How can you tell someone such an important thing and expect them to take you serious when you are drunk? They'll probably just assume its stupid drunk talk and that you'll have forgotten you said it the next morning.

You tried anyway, but I think you could have handled it a little better. Like Tar said, just give him a little time, he knows now, so let it sink in for a while and see what he comes back to you with.

Overheal

CrudBuckets wrote: »

Oh boy did I (This will be a long one, I hope you are comfortable)...only I had to get stinking drunk!

uh oh.

What started as some dutch courage turned into dutch cowardice! And I murmured something about liking him and wanting to kiss him...its all a bit blurry. And I said I was gonna kiss him...gave him loads of warning, to which he made no response (note: he was no where near as drunk as me)...and when I leaned in ...*GASP* he leaned back! Shot down! SICK BURN!

So I froze, he groaned, I pulled away, mortified! And he left...so there ya be. But no...sadly it doesn't end there. He went home and sent me a txt making sure I got to bed okay. Yeah that was a struggle to go 20 feet from the couch to the bedroom! Anyhoo...my day progressed at work slowly and hungoverly and I had a few emails from him chatting in general about what not. Usual day to day email exchange between us and it wasn't awkward or weird...which in itself was weird...

y'know... it is possible he backed off because you were drunk. Gentleman like.

As for not coming over its just momentary awkwardness. dont push too hard.

RedXIV

Overheal wrote: »

y'know... it is possible he backed off because you were drunk. Gentleman like.

As for not coming over its just momentary awkwardness. dont push too hard.

I'm inclined to agree with overheal here. But even if the best looking girl in the world made a move on me, being twisted is not attractive enough to compensate. Alright if i'm twisted too then maybe but you said he's not.

hmmmm knowing the relationship the two of you have, i'd have to say i'd leave it. If he's sending slagging texts, it sounds like he's trying to stop things from getting awkward as much as possible, instead of confronting any emotional sides here. Sorry OP, just my views on the situation

Overheal

you either get you and him into this kind of situation:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKgS24IG3HY

Or you leave it to cool off for a good while.

LegacyUser

Hi, I was in a situation like that a year ago. I had this really great friendship with a guy but I wanted more. Like that I kept getting mixed signals. He was a perfect gentleman to me never let me put my hand in my pocket when we were out, gave me all of his attention. We were sending 50 text messages a day to each other for 3 years. We don't live in the same part of the country. Anyways one weekend last summer I was up for a mutual friends birthday. We were getting on really well, hugging each other, etc. I decided that for once and for all I had to find out what exactly the story was between us. At the end of the night we were hugging and I decided to kiss him. He pulled away and told us that we were just friends. No more texting. The last time I heard from him was to wish me a happy Christmas. However just before that I started going out with somebody else. I brought him up for the weekend. The guy that I liked took him off for a few pints and told him that if my new boyfriend ever hurt me that he would have him to deal with. WTF? Anyways that relationship ended soon after. What I'm trying to say is that if you feel that strongly about this guy you should just go for it. If you get rejected it will be a shock for a while. But you do get over it. TBH it really is better knowing the truth as opposed to living in a fantasy wondering what if and never actually knowing. Good luck and let us know how you get on op!

LegacyUser

*long post*

I was on the opposite end of this situation. Myself and my female friend were like *this* for about 4/5 years between the ages of around 15 and 20, both of us single or in non-serious relationships, anyone we were seeing usually ended it with either one of us because we saw more of each other than we saw of our 'partner', but we didnt care 'cos we had more craic together as mates.

Anyways, for the first three years of friendship I was secretly mad about her, I presume she knew because everyone else seemed to ask me constantly about it and the lads used to slag me off about her for constantly 'bottling', her female friends always gave me the vibe she wasnt into me as more than a friend so I trusted that and never persued more. When we both turned eighteen I started going out to town with the lads more, instead of hanging around in the big groups of both male and female that we used to in school, so I didnt really see as much of her, although weird as it sounds we used to go out about once a month just the two of us and go clubbing, not as a couple, but just together, strange for what? always great nights though. But after going out with the lads more often and meeting more women I started to go 'off' her and losing as much sexual interest in her, I began to see her the way she saw me, just a great friend.

One week a few months after I came to this conclusion we were pissed and she ended up on my couch, she insisted I sleep beside her ON A COUCH... I tell her no, I'll sleep on the chair opposite, I sit down, she gets up comes over and sits down on top me and starts kissing me... where that came from I do not know. Next day she acts completely ignorant of the fact we kissed, doesnt even mention it to our mutual friend who she tells EVERYTHING re: relationships/lads, so I thought, 'wow she must be regretting that big time' so I never brought it up again. A few months later on one these pair-nights again we got totally hammered, stumbling home and Im telling her I'm going to walk her to her door because shes that drunk, usually she'd get a taxi from mine. She starts giving it all 'no, I'm staying in yours tonight' and I'm telling her shes not... eventually after about 15 mins I go, 'fine you can sleep on the couch'... she walk in the front door and she heads straight up and gets in my bed under the covers. I think nothing of it, lie down on the bed with all my clothes on, over the covers, about to go to sleep and she perks up and asks me why Im not taking my clothes off and joining her underneath. Talk about mixed signals! after we kiss she denies it even happened, now were lying on a bed and shes asking me to get in... I get with all my clothes on and she innitiates a fumblingly good time. I tell her its not going any further than hands because were to close as friends and too drunk. She begins to tell me that shes been mad about me since day one and wishes we tried it from the start, that she always been afraid of losing me as a friend so never took it further, but has waiting for me to kiss her for years. I tell her my side and that I dont see it like that anymore but that I used to be interested, just dont feel the same now.
She was more frustrated than upset, started giving me a load of abuse right there like 'what? why didnt you do anthing back then! how could you not see I liked you?' like going mad... I calmed down and let her rant eventually she turned over a slept, next morning she got up early and left while I slept. I text her later that day and we had kind of dry chat, no banter, very 'yes, ok, u?' type thing... that was a few months ago and we went from texting daily before to maybe once every two weeks... still friends but dont go out on those pair-nights like we did before and arent AS close. I still wouldnt change that the kiss etc happened though, its good to have it out in the open.

I guess the moral of the story is, let him know EXACTLY how you feel now, before he changes his opinion... I'd be fairly sure he does like you EVEN after the 'rejection', especially the flirty texts, as a bloke I wouldnt of kissed you if you were hammered and I was reletively sober, it would feel lie taking advantage. Think of it from his perspective, the last thing he wants to do is ruin your friendship, if youre hammered and he kisses you hes thinking you could turn around and say 'he took advantage of me when drunk, all these years of friendship and hes had an alterior motive, what a prick'... put it to him straight during the next sober conversation your having, text or otherwise 'look, I want to know, are we ever going to be more than friends?' straight out, catch him like a deer in the headlights and he will answer truthfully. If he says no then tell him you like him but youre not sure if its to do with the 'projection' from your ex and you might feel this way for the next months but it ma wear off once youre used to being single... then in two months time tell him youre sorry for putting your friendship in jepordy and you really do see him as just a friend and it was all to do with your ex, that should make him more comfortable around you after the you tell him and settle your friendship after you 'cancel' your feelings towards him.

aidan24326

You may not have blown it just yet. Tell him again (sober next time, or at least not totally drunk!) and be clearer about it this time. He may have rejected your advances due to the fact you were drunk, and may have thought you were just talking crap due to the drink, which would be a reasonable assumption. Tell him straight out and come what may after that. If he spurns your advances it may make things a little awkward for a time but you'll get over it.

LegacyUser

Yeah I think the fact that I was drunk was a major dolly no no. I mean hell, how can I expect him to take me seriously with alcohol fogging my words and my brain! So I guess part of me is hoping the rejection was because of that.

The last couple of days have been on and off weird but not horrible or unbearable! There has been mention of "the pseudo kiss" but in a light hearted teasing manner. He is still flirting like mad and I'm trying not to respond too much. We're both separately busy this weekend and I'll probably be during the week when we get a chance to hang out so I'm waiting till then before I approach this in a VERY SOBER manner.

Great advice guys. Cant let this **** go on, we need to address whatever it is thats going on because its only going to explode if we don't. As ill timed and badly approached as my drunken approach was I'm trying to think of it as an ice breaker. Now I just need to take the next step and talk this out fully so we both know where we stand. And lets see if we cant continue on one way or another.

...right?