He won't leave!

TheLastStraw

My partner and I broke up over the weekend. On Saturday night he said he was leaving. He stayed that night though, as he was working the next day. So on Sunday he left for work but at about 8pm, a little bit after, he came back!

When he walked in the door I said "Hello?" feeling very confused. He didn't reply and we didn't say a word to each other for the rest of the night. He went to sleep on Sunday night in "our" bed and I thought about whether I should sleep on the sofa or not but I decided that I shouldn't really have to sleep on the sofa so I got into bed too.

I know the obvious answer is "Duh, speak to him, ask him what the heck he's playing at," but I don't really want to open a conversation. Not now. If he wants to talk in a week or two, fine, but I need some space first, and some distance. He's done this before. We have a huge fight where he offloads to me how unhappy he is and how he hasn't been happy for a long time and he'd be better off if he'd never met me and then he leaves. But after a few hours he comes back and says "I don't want to leave you but things have to change, We need to really talk." And we never actually do. Anytime I bring it up he says he doesn't want to talk about it yet.

The last time he did this was just April. At the time I even asked him if he was playing his little game again. I asked specifically "Is this the thing you do where you tell me how unhappy you are and how horrible I am and you want to leave but then you come back and expect me to carry on as if nothing happened?" and he promised me that it wasn't. It's all about him and what he wants and how he feels. He doesn't even consider the fact that I'm unhappy too. The fact that I don't want to be with him anymore doesn't factor in anywhere.

I don't even really know what I'm asking here. My head is all over the place and especially because he's done it before. This time I really want things to finish, we just don't make each other happy anymore. I don't want to see us slip back into our little rut and refuse to talk about what's making us unhappy. We're making each other unhappy and I feel like he hasn't accepted that yet. He wants me to change. He'll tell me that he'll stay but he wants this to change and that to change but first of all, I don't want him to stay anymore and secondly I don't want to be with someone who doesn't like me for me.
At this stage in my life I feel like either he likes me enough for my good bits that he can accept the bad bits too or he can leave and be with someone else. I feel comfortable enough with myself now to see that if he has a problem with me then that isn't something that I must rush to fix. I can see that if he has that many problems with me then we're just not a good fit.

RedXIV

ummm why don't you leave then if you want it to end?

LegacyUser

I found myself in a similar situation to yourself recently. My boyfriend and I broke up (I intiated it) and we lived together. That made the situation really hard.

While I needed the space to think about stuff, he didn't want to leave, still wanted to sleep in the same bed, always wanted to talk etc.

I had to just remove myself from the situation and stay with friends for a while. He has since moved out, but was constantly texting and emailing me for a few weeks, as well as calling round to talk.

Talking was no help as it just went round and round in circles. It's all calmed down now thankfully, but what you have to is leave, make yourself unavailable for at least a couple of weeks. It's hard to do, especially if you still have feelings and want to make it as easy as possible on your OH. But the best thing to do is give both of yourselves space. Once you get your head together you can go back and meet for a chat or something if you want to.

In the meantime, you need to leave and stay with someone else for a while.

craichoe

Aye, if thats the case you should leave.

dragona

RedXIV wrote: »

ummm why don't you leave then if you want it to end?

Erm, maybe because it's HER home???

I know this little game, it has been played with me before. Just tell him straight, its OVER, FINISHED, I WANTyou to leave, please.

craichoe

dragona wrote: »

Erm, maybe because it's HER home???

I know this little game, it has been played with me before. Just tell him straight, its OVER, FINISHED, I WANTyou to leave, please.

She didn't mention once its her house ?
If it was she could have just changed the locks etc.

Spud83

Yeah I think we need to know the situation regarding the living arrangements.

Who owns what?

TheLastStraw

It's a rental but the rent comes out of my wages and the bills are in my name. I didn't want to say that before because I'm very wary of giving away too many personal details. I wouldn't like someone who knows him to see this and tell him about it.

I guess the answer really is as simple as I stated. I just have to tell him to leave the house and leave his keys. Changing the locks is very tempting but antagonising this bloke is not the way to go.

RedXIV

If he's not paying, he has no claim. as you say, tell him to get lost, you've had enough. But i would agree that telling him instead of changing the locks. There are too many ways that could be interpreted.

Spud83

If you have been the sole contributor then tell him to leave.

However if he has been contributing to the rent and bills by paying you money then it could be messy.

TheLastStraw

No, the rent and the bills are my responsibility. He pays for certain items like the stereo and the laptop which he will obviously be taking with him. And the TV.

craichoe

TheLastStraw wrote: »

No, the rent and the bills are my responsibility. He pays for certain items like the stereo and the laptop which he will obviously be taking with him. And the TV.

So you were paying all the rent and bills ??? and he bought a stereo, tv and laptop ... something doesn't sound right there.

Is it just you on the lease or both of you ? Is the deposit half and half ?
If your paying everything are you going to get him to clear some of the bills that he owes money on ?

Big_Mac

RedXIV wrote: »

If he's not paying, he has no claim. as you say, tell him to get lost, you've had enough. But i would agree that telling him instead of changing the locks. There are too many ways that could be interpreted.

+1

You need (and want) a clean break by the sound of things. As the place is in your name and you pay for it, then tell him to leave. Make sure you tell him and not ask, because if you ask its open to discussion. Telling him is very difinitive. If that's what you want, be assertive and tell him to sling his hook

Plek Trum

You REALLY nned to talk about this as two mature adults.

Failing that, pack up the stereo, laptop and unplug the tv - have them all neatly waiting by the front door. When he comes home explain VERY clearly that you want him gone (if this truely is the case). If you are paying the rent and bills and your name is the only one on the contract then he has no reason to be there.

If he refuses call the guards and explain your story. Ask the landlord to change the locks at your expense.

TheLastStraw

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Victor

Plek Trum wrote: »

Ask the landlord to change the locks at your expense.

Actually, under the Residential Tenancies Act, you need your landlord's permission to change locks.

STUBBORNGIRL

TheLastStraw wrote: »

No, the rent and the bills are my responsibility. He pays for certain items like the stereo and the laptop which he will obviously be taking with him. And the TV.

you really are in a predicament! do you realise that you have been paying this guys way! you have been paying the rent and bills which you have nothing to show for now and he has paid for the TV and Laptop all of which he still has and will possess as his own! Not a good set up from the beginning!

I definitely think you both have to address the issues at hand before you go booting him out! Not talking about what is on your mind is a recipe for disaster!Do you think that letting it go a week or two will sort things out! no it wont - all it does is build on the problems that you already have and sooner or later an explosion of all these problems will manifest!

Please please stop being so stubborn and be the first to open your mouth and ask him what the hell he is playing at?

I once heard a priest say at a wedding "never let the sun go down on an argument" and it is definitely the best advice i have ever heard in relation to marital/relationship problems!

Go home this evening and have it out with him! and you may even realise that you dont need to change any locks (even though technically that wouldnt have been your right in the first place) but you get my drift! it could all be sorted by a conversation.... (if life were so simple) ! its a starter though!

Good luck in whatever action you choose to opt for!

Nevyn

Is his name on the lease ?

toosb

Why should he leave? Why don't you?

Lollipops23

we've established that he has no legal/financial reason to let stay, so time to spell it out: "hey didn't we agree you'd leave after the other night?yeah? well why have you made no effort to go?"

if he doesn't go it's time to inform both the landlord and the gardai.

King of Kings

why should he leave? he has as much right to be there as you


I have my doubts that the OP's ex hasn't contributed to the upkeep of the house and by virtue of him living there he has rights and cannot be evicted just cos the OP decides

anyway at such short notice where you expect him to go?

Lollipops23 wrote: »

we've established that he has no legal/financial reason to let stay, so time to spell it out: "hey didn't we agree you'd leave after the other night?yeah? well why have you made no effort to go?"

if he doesn't go it's time to inform both the landlord and the gardai.

did we?
and what would the OP say to the landlord / gardai - they'd laugh at her.
you really should get out more.

Nevyn

If his name is not on the lease then he is not entitled to stay.

Lollipops23

TheLastStraw wrote: »

No, the rent and the bills are my responsibility. He pays for certain items like the stereo and the laptop which he will obviously be taking with him. And the TV.

King if Kings-she is the one paying the rent so it is up to her to decide who she lives with. Quit the backchat, it doesn't help the OPs situation.

Toots

King of Kings wrote: »

why should he leave? he has as much right to be there as you. I have my doubts that the OP's ex hasn't contributed to the upkeep of the house and by virtue of him living there he has rights and cannot be evicted just cos the OP decides

If he hasn't contributed anything and is basically just freeloading and acting the arse, then why should he stay? If his name is not on the lease then he has no entitlements.

anyway at such short notice where you expect him to go?

That's not her problem.

If what she's saying about this guy is true, then my advice is to tell him to pack a bag and hit the road. He sounds like an unbelievably selfish and manipulative person. The OP needs to put her happiness first. If it's a case that his name is on the lease and he has entitlements, then getting him to move out could be very messy. It might be better for her to cut her losses and move out to somewhere else. First thing would be though to sit him down and tell him it's over and she wants him to pack his things and leave, that there's no going back this time. See how that goes, if he leaves without much fuss it could be ok. Once he's gone about a week or fortnight, and all his stuff is out of the house, then ask the landlord for permission to change the locks. I wouldn't recommend doing anything drastic such as changing the locks until all his posessions have been removed though.

MagicMarker

I'm sorry, but i cannot believe that the OP is basically paying for everything. It really sounds like BS to me.

OP: If he won't leave and it's your name on the lease, then why don't you give a months notice and get your own place. Then he'll have no choice but to leave, or he'll just take over your lease.

If you really are paying for everything, then more fool you tbh.

LegacyUser

Is he gone yet ?

STUBBORNGIRL

Top_Drawer wrote: »

Is he gone yet ?

WELL??? What happened!

Nevyn

The personal issues forum is not a soap opera subistute.
Bumping threads asking what happened is not permissible as it is not helpful
and
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

AARRRGH

I think it would be reasonable to give him some time to find somewhere to live.

Set a date for when he has to leave, for example, in two weeks.

srdb20

To play devils advocate here for a minute, maybe she was just showing concern for the OP????

jellie

if hes getting everything paid for him why would he make any effort to ever leave?

TELL him to go. pack his things if you have to. if you need some support have a friend (or a well built big brother!) with you or in the house when youre doing this.

Nevyn

srdb20 if you have an issue with a mods action then pm them or take it to feedback
as such posts are off topic and you will be banned for them.

Plek Trum

Victor wrote: »

Actually, under the Residential Tenancies Act, you need your landlord's permission to change locks.

Err, yes... isn't that what I posted??
" ask your landlord to change the locks at your expense"..

King of Kings

Thaedydal wrote: »

If his name is not on the lease then he is not entitled to stay.

really? she's is entitled to remove him ,even he can prove they lived there as a couple - thus proving he has a right to stay? - it is his home too . I doubt that very much - without court order etc..; of course

if can be hard to remove tenant who has being living there - lease or no lease.
either way it is unreasonable to except him to move out prompto.

Lollipops23 wrote: »

King if Kings-she is the one paying the rent so it is up to her to decide who she lives with. Quit the backchat, it doesn't help the OPs situation.

eh it's not..it's his home too. He has contributed to the house too.
and grow up , stop your glib remarks .