Pregnancy

ag1975

Need advise.. Just found out I am pg. Not planned. HOwever am with my BF for 4-5 years and living together 2.5. We're not into the marriage thing at all. naturally when i found out i nearly had a fit but since then have gotten used to the idea. However he is not happy at all and trying to talk me out of it. I am so confused. he started with saying he'd stand by me and has progressed on to saying he just doesn't want it. Initially I thought it was shock but now i'm really doubting it. He is saying time is not right, we can't afford it,economy etc. I have an ok job and his job involves long hours and stress. I really want to go through with it and be happy etc but i'm thinking that it will destroy us. I love him 120% and he says same about me but has asked me out straight not to have it. I am devastated. Please no "leave him, he's a pr**k" advise, I'd love to hear a blokes point of view on this. We are both in our 30's by the way.

John Mason

no one here can tell you whether to have an abortion or not.

Go to some of the crisis pregancy services and talk it out with them

Irishcrx

Have you talked about children before? , Everybodys situation is differant and it depends on alot of differant factors and where you stand on abortion. In your 30's and in a strong relationship I don't really see the economy as an option not to have a child, you both seem in a fairly strong position, tell your boyfriend you want to have the baby it's your choice as well , maybe he's afraid, doesn't want the responsibility but you's are there now and it can't be changed.

From a guy's point of view I see where he's coming from, but there are couples out there who's had to deal with worst situations and come through it. In my opinion as a man it is our repsonsibilty to help and support you not discourage you but each to their own.

bookiebasher

hi ...my little girl came along when i was 30 and while planned her arrival led to a big change in lifestyle and also led to bags under the eyes and grey hair ha ha...but i would not swap her for the world...She has enhanced my life and while a little monkey and often bold she just has to give me the look and she has me wrapped around her little finger...I guess what im trying to say is that while tough going at the start it will be worth it in the long run..trust me...with or without your boyfriends support...Best of luck

Nevyn

www.positiveoptions.ie/

Make an appointment for the both of you to go and talk to someone about it.

Yes it's a big change if you choose to have the child, but it's not like you have cancer.

You may have to face that fact that you will loose him and have to parent the child alone.

Be careful and be sure cos either way you may end up regretting it for a long time to come.

No contraception is 100% he should know that and if he really really really didn't want children he should have had the snip done.

Big_Mac

Irishcrx wrote: »

From a guy's point of view I see where he's coming from, but there are couples out there who's had to deal with worst situations and come through it. In my opinion as a man it is our repsonsibilty to help and support you not discourage you but each to their own.

+1

I know exactly what Irishcrx means. I am about to be a dad in the next week or so. We did talk about kids but we wanted to decide when we would do it. I freaked out when I heard and was so confused about it. At this stage I can't think of what it would be like if we didnt have a baby on the way, and I'm only 26. I think its a blessing, and your bf may just need time to come to terms with it. If he can't accept it then I think you should seriously consider things. It may be the case that you may be forced to choose, and you should avoid that at all costs

How Strange

OP, talk to the pregnancy crisis agency and decide for yourself. Yes, your bf is involved and has a say but if you're not fully sure that abortion is the right thing to do then you shouldn't be coerced into it.

There is no right or wrong thing to do but whatever decision you make you have to be absolutely sure it's the right one.

You need to discuss it with a qualified impartial person.

MissHoneyBun

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes it's a big change if you choose to have the child, but it's not like you have cancer.
You may have to face that fact that you will loose him and have to parent the child alone.
No contraception is 100% he should know that and if he really really really didn't want children he should have had the snip done.

With all due respect I was really surprised to see how outlandish some of your comments are there. Do you really think it's necessary to patronise the OP regarding contraception now? I'm sure they are perfectly aware of what they "should have" done but that is not the issue now..
Also you direct your final remark exclusively towards her partner and criticise his attitude towards contraceptives -I'm sure you'll agree that both parties are equally responsible for creating this pregnancy Thaedydal, not just the OP's partner. If you read her post, there is no mention of the guy "really really really" not wanting children either so berating him for not becoming sterilised is quite bizarre.
I'm sure the OP is feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment and is clearly conflicted enough to warrant posting here so perhaps she could have done without your assumption that she will also be abandoned by her partner. Indeed it may become a reality however it seems like something the woman is already aware of (hence her post) and could probably have done without having it pointed out so bluntly here. I'm guessing a little sensitivity might be appreciated in order for the couple to cope with the already difficult decision they face.

Best wishes to you and your partner OP

lolli

Op,

Your baby wasnt planned??? I have just read you previous posts... you have been using ovulation tests and came off the pill in october according to your previous posts so how does that not make the baby planned. You state on the parenting forum in march that you had been trying for a baby for 2 months at that stage. So did you get pregnant behind your partners back and now he doesnt want it?? Not a very nice thing to do to someone I think!! You were previously disappointed that you werent pregnant, you've made your bed so lie in it, if your partner doesnt want to be a dad thats his choice but you shouldnt have been planning to get pregnant behind his back.

Nevyn

Surely you should have discussed this with your partner before coming off the pill ?

ag1975 wrote: »

Hi

Just looking for general feedback and advice really. I've been off the pill for 4 months and finally think that i have the timing right. (like other posters whenever its the right time of the month i start getting nervous and thinking that maybe the time isn't right for me but anyway I was using a digital ovulation kit and got a smilry face yesterday so decided to go for it!! then I checked an ovulation calender an lo and behold it said yesterday (thursday)was my most fertile day! we also had an "early night" the night before (wednesday) so of course I know that its no guarantee but i'm hoping....

so if anyone else wants to share.....:)
Also I'm on health manager starter, (i'm in ireland) its €45 a month and I def don't want to be paying anymore than that. Is this a good plan for me to be on for maternity benefits, About how much in total does it cost to go private in a public hospital? That is how much would we be paying after the health insurance company pay their bit? thanks everybody.

ag1975 wrote: »

Anyone else feeling frustrated by the monthly disappointment??
Also, is it just me or when you're ttc does every woman you meet seem to become pregnant?



You can sing that.. I've had at least 4 good friends who are pregnant in the last few months. I've been off the pill since oct/nov. I bought the Ovulation kit off ebay the dip stick one and a load of early pregnancy tests (patience is not one of my virtues). I try not to get disspointed when I get the negatives but its hard. I have only really been trying hard the last 2 months but I just don't get that if you have intercourse everyday around the time you are ovulating why it doesn't happen. Silly me thought it was that cut and dry! I know if I was trying to avoid it i'd get caught!! This is a great thread by the way...

ag1975 wrote: »

over the last few months I usually get a positive on the ovulation dip sticks i bought online.. this usually happens on a tuesday. on most occaisons we have done the dance on monday night but just because of the way things have worked out recently one or the other of us have been away on the tues and wed night. loking forward it might be like that for the next month or 2, so my question is, how likely is it that i will have any luck, if i get the positive on a tuesday, does that mean i am ovulating at that time or that i will be in the next 36 hours. i've been trying for the last 6 months but realistically prob have ever managed to be at home together once on the day after I got the positive!! I know some of you say we should be trying harder but so much has happened unexpectedly recently.. thanks in advance. i'm getting disheartened.

LegacyUser

I was in kind of the same predicament as yourself. Myself and the missus aren't married and have been living together for the last 3 years. I'm 29, she's 31. We had planned to get married this year/ early next year but had some renovations to do on the house which brought the mortgage up to 350K. Combined, we can both afford our mortgage but have a minimal disposable income. We had always thought about having kids as soon as it was financially viable. Then we found out she was preggers last January and due our 1st baby in October. I'm a bit flipant about finances but she is very coy! She bawled her eyes out for a couple of hours after we found out while I was shocked for an hour or so. We called it 'shock factor'. We couldn't speak to each other either for a bit but eventually began talking. Over a short time, we realised that we have been given a gift. We asked the question to ourselves, 'when is the best time to have a child?', and laughed at the answer...she said 'probably when the mortgage is paid off, I'll 56 first-time auld one giving birth, you'll be a youthful 54 year old father!', realising her biological clock wouldn't allow that though!

Over time we embraced the news excitedly. We know ourselves that it's gonna be tough and our lives will change dramatically but only for the better. As long as we have each other and the new addition we'll be ok. I can't wait to be the best Dad I can be, while the missus can't wait to be the best mother she can be.

At the weekend, we went shopping for a pram/buggy and car seat (didn't see myself doing that this time last year!!!) and got even more excited at the day went on.

I'd say over time, he'll catch onto the idea and it's probably just shock. If not, www.positiveoptions.ie would be a good first port of call.

Good luck OP

akamossy

Ok so basically it was planned on your part and not on your partners part. It is clear that you weren't being truthful from the get go with us or your partner. He has every right to be upset or not ready for a baby if this wasn't a joint decision and no i do not think that he is a prick. You should have discussed it with him from the start and there would have been no unwelcome surprises. A baby is a blessing but being dishonest in getting there was the worst possible thing you could have done, and you have put yourself in an awful position.

You need to sit down and be honest with your partner. He'll come around to the idea eventually and if not looks like you'll be flying solo but there isn't anything wrong with being a single parent. No-one can force you to have an abortion but i do feel the way you went about conceiving was deceitful.

craichoe

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

With all due respect I was really surprised to see how outlandish some of your comments are there. Do you really think it's necessary to patronise the OP regarding contraception now? I'm sure they are perfectly aware of what they "should have" done but that is not the issue now..
Also you direct your final remark exclusively towards her partner and criticise his attitude towards contraceptives -I'm sure you'll agree that both parties are equally responsible for creating this pregnancy Thaedydal, not just the OP's partner. If you read her post, there is no mention of the guy "really really really" not wanting children either so berating him for not becoming sterilised is quite bizarre.
I'm sure the OP is feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment and is clearly conflicted enough to warrant posting here so perhaps she could have done without your assumption that she will also be abandoned by her partner. Indeed it may become a reality however it seems like something the woman is already aware of (hence her post) and could probably have done without having it pointed out so bluntly here. I'm guessing a little sensitivity might be appreciated in order for the couple to cope with the already difficult decision they face.

Best wishes to you and your partner OP

+1 on this, really bad advice by the mod

Even 'the snip' is not 100% effective. Abstinence would by the only 100% method.

trevorku

I think your boyfriend is in a way being selfish, but for your love. He is prob thinking, oh no, I'm not going to be number one any more, no more saturday nights out with the lads, no freedom, responsibility, commitment, she wont have time for me or for sex anymore....

I am a 24 year old man, and yes the above went on in my head when I found out my gf was pregnant, now 23 weeks pregnant. This is a phase your bf is going through, he is in the freakout stage and needs time to adjust to the situation, you dont need to breakup and you defo dont need to have an abortion. He just needs to get used to the idea that a foetus is not an expired veg that can be just dumped, you need to go on youtube with him and 'MAKE' him watch how abortions are performed so that he sees what he is 'advising' you to go through with and he should have a change of heart.

I dont think your boyf is a bad guy, dont even truly think he wants you to get rid of the baby. I think he is just nervous and scared, its his first time to be a daddy and naturally he is nervous. Let me tell you something, you need to have this baby, no matter how much he pleads with you to get rid, and I know you wouldnt abort your beautiful baby.

However darling, if as a result of this he threatens to leave you, then let him walk. Do that for you, and your baby. Get this all done and dusted with ASAP because it can do your baby harm to have high levels of stress during your pregnancy. Looking after yourself is number one at the moment, and your boyfriend needs to get up off his backside and be a MAN and take responsibility. If he is mature enough to lay down with someone, he is mature enough to father a child. Makes sense. Now goodluck with everything and I hope you take some of my advice on board, thanks hon.

Amazotheamazing

According the other posts you posted that Thaedyadl re-posted, you pretty much did plan to get pregnant. Hardly fair to spring it on your boyfriend, did you tell him you were coming off the pill and wanted to have kids? If you didn't, there seems to be a communication problem between the two of you.

Nevyn

Please remember to report posts rather then replying to them.

Off topic and unhelpful posts will get you banned from this forum.

MissHoneyBun

OP, in light of recent developments illustrating your deceptive nature, I'd like you to know that any empathy I expressed towards your situation has since been made redundant. There is no way I condone what you did and I think perhaps you would benefit from now providing your partner with the honesty he deserves and secondly from obtaining the counselling you need.

Gemini Sister

Ah give the girl a break...


OP, you certainly wouldn't be first to pull a sneaky one. I have at least one friend who's done it and I'm suspicious of a few others I know. (Funny how all these smart ladies 'accidently' get pregnant at a certain age...)
I reckon there is no need to ever come clean about how its happened, it will just get thrown in your face and you don't need that. Or particularly deserve it.
Now back to my friend's story... same situ as you... she had the baby, even though the bf wanted her to get rid... and now he's nuts about the kid. Their relationship is rocky however... but then it always was.


Easy for me to say (no kids) but if you really want a kid stick to your guns, cause if he doesn't want a kid now he's unlikely to plan another pregnancy in a year or two. Men can be replaced (ok, controversial I know!) but you can love the kid forever....? Just an opinion.

MissHoneyBun

Gemini Sister wrote: »

Ah give the girl a break...


OP, you certainly wouldn't be first to pull a sneaky one. I have at least one friend who's done it and I'm suspicious of a few others I know. (Funny how all these smart ladies 'accidently' get pregnant at a certain age...)
I reckon there is no need to ever come clean about how its happened, it will just get thrown in your face and you don't need that. Or particularly deserve it.
Now back to my friend's story... same situ as you... she had the baby, even though the bf wanted her to get rid... and now he's nuts about the kid. Their relationship is rocky however... but then it always was.


Easy for me to say (no kids) but if you really want a kid stick to your guns, cause if he doesn't want a kid now he's unlikely to plan another pregnancy in a year or two. Men can be replaced (ok, controversial I know!) but you can love the kid forever....? Just an opinion.

Gemini Sister just because she's not the first to "pull a sneaky one" as you put it does NOT make it ok :rolleyes: Jack the Ripper wasn't the first to knife someone either... She purposely conned her partner into getting her pregnant and then tried to lie about it online until she was swiftly caught out. I have no time for people who lie and deceive others for their own selfish fulfillment and as for your suggestion that the OP continues telling barefaced lies to her partner just beggars belief. How would you like somebody you've been in a long-term relationship with lying to you? And as regards to your comment relating to men being "replaceable" then I suppose it shouldnt surprise me that you view children as a similar commodity.
Your reckless attitude will only make the OP's bad situation worse.

MagicMarker

This is truely sickening....

Fair enough, abstinence is the only method of contraception that is 100% effective. But we ALL take that risk!

I am assuming that you kept this 'family planning' from your partner because he never wanted a child in the first place? So he was unaware that you were no longer on the pill?

To be frank, if this is true, then that is pure evil to do that to someone. As a man, i cannot even begin to comprehend the hurt i would feel in his position. It's frustrating for me to even write this, i can't even put it in words how deceitful this is!

Part of me wants to say that this man has every right to walk away, but in reality if he does then only the child will pay and it's not the childs fault. You've forced your partner into a corner, if you cared at all about him then you wouldn't have done this.

Evil.

dudara

OK, I'm going to ask posters on this thread to refrain from posting comments on the OP's motives until we hear more from her.

dudara

Gemini Sister

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

Gemini Sister just because she's not the first to "pull a sneaky one" as you put it does NOT make it ok :rolleyes: Jack the Ripper wasn't the first to knife someone either... She purposely conned her partner into getting her pregnant and then tried to lie about it online until she was swiftly caught out. I have no time for people who lie and deceive others for their own selfish fulfillment and as for your suggestion that the OP continues telling barefaced lies to her partner just beggars belief. How would you like somebody you've been in a long-term relationship with lying to you? And as regards to your comment relating to men being "replaceable" then I suppose it shouldnt surprise me that you view children as a similar commodity.
Your reckless attitude will only make the OP's bad situation worse.

A woman in her thirties getting pregnant without her partner's consent is hardly Jack the Ripper stuff. Clearly the OP is not on solid moral ground but she has come here with a problem as legitimate as anyone else's. I'm giving the OP the same advice I would give to a friend and have given to a friend in the past. Right now, I suspect that admitting the deceit is not necessarily the best course of action for a woman who is already being pressured into having an abortion - enough on her plate already, no?
Of course men aren't replaceable but the world isn't black and white either. Why is a man who doesn't want kids with a woman in her thirties who does anyway? ...And it seems like this pregnancy is very much wanted...

I sincerely hope that any thing I've said won't make the OP's situation worse. But I doubt that your harsh condemnation will make the OPs situation better.

Best of luck OP x

MissHoneyBun

Gemini Sister wrote: »

Ah give the girl a break... Men can be replaced

So this isn't you saying men are replaceable? :rolleyes:

Nevyn

That debate can be had in humanities ladies.

dilallio

ag1975 wrote: »

Please no "leave him, he's a pr**k" advise, I'd love to hear a blokes point of view on this. We are both in our 30's by the way.

I find what you have done here to be extremely disturbing. You have been together for 4 - 5 yrs but you planned the most important decision a couple can make without his knowledge and against his wishes.
No OP, he's definately not a pr**k, but he certainly will feel like a foolish pr**k if he ever finds out about your deception.
I sincerely hope it works out well for you both. A good relationship should be based on love, mutual respect, and honesty. U have a way to go, but good luck, and if u do love him, do the right thing for you both.

John Mason

Your boyfriend is not a prick, as you previously called him. you obviosuly both had a discussion about whether to have babies or not and him said no, he didnt want children.

You have made your bed, and now you must lie in it alone