Fell out with my best friend

LegacyUser

Hey all,

Hope someone can give me some advice/guidance on this one. I am feeling pretty low at the moment. I fell out with my best friend the other day and I really don't know what to do. We're pretty inseperable and in similar in so many ways and we're so close that we see each other more as brothers than mates.

Basically, long story short, I've done alot for him over the last couple of months. He's in a relationship with a very controlling girl and she has little or no time for me or anything in his life. She demands his time and attention 24 hours a day and up until this week I bit my tongue and accepted that he was just the type of person who wanted to keep everyone happy and not have to deal with conflict. I know he loves her so much and doesn't want the relationship to be jepradized but in the process that means ditching me quite often, which I accept, however the final straw came this week when I really needed him. I was evicted from my house and was in-between houses so I had nowhere to stay. I am starting a new job this week and won't get paid until later in the month. He's in a pretty bad state financially too but we promised each other we'd help each other out. Neither of us have families we talk to or are close to (which is why we probably see each other as family).

Anyway, at the last minute he left me because his girlfriend came to visit and demanded he leave with her to go see her family. The house they have was free but she claimed that the landlord had demanded they leave (it was such a ridiculous lie that I lost the plot) I got very angry because I felt like not only was he buying into a lie but that he was leaving me broke and homeless just because his girlfriend told him to. I started shouting at him and to be honest I shocked myself at how angry I became. He started crying and said he didn't want to lose me as a friend. I told him never to speak to me again and to leave. Which he did, and then I got angrier because I expected him to stay regardless. I eneded up sleeping rough one night and then a mate took me in and fed me. I sent him very abusive messages and he replied with messages telling me the whole situation was killing him and that he was sorry. We chatted it out on the phone the next day and he said things were going to change. He said he's had a blazing row with his girlfriend and that he was gone to clear his head in his uncles. I bought this and felt slightly better thinking finally he saw my point of view but I've found out since that while he did go to his uncles, his girlfriend is still with him and is painting me as public enemy number 1. I rang him again and we re-enacted our first fight, just this time over the phone.

I know my problems are my own doing. I'm well aware of that but I feel like his girlfriend constantly controls him, he even admits this and says he's trying to change but he never does. I feel hurt, betrayed and angry because I've done so much for him in the past and was always there when he needed me. I still feel down now because I upset him so much. I've never had a friend like him, we get on so well and we never argue unless its about his girlfriend. I feel suicidal at the moment because I'm in between jobs/houses and am completely broke until later in the month. I'm not eating, sleeping or functioning properly because Im on a mates couch and I have no money. I just wish he'd put me first for once. I wasn't asking him to break up his relationship just to stand up to her and defend the fact that I'm part of his life too. I feel so depressed because I feel I've done and said things I can't undo. And because he won't talk honeslty about how he feels I don't know whats going through his head. All I know is he's heartbroken but I don't know what to do.

I know no-one's right and no-one's wrong but I just need some advice. Should I let the friendship go? Or try and save it? He never once got angry with me, and put up with me saying horrible things, so I feel its on me to make the first move. Should I demand that he change his behaviour a bit? Or just go back to having her controlling him all the time and saying nothing? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Wagon

I've got a mate and we're like you and your friend as well, we're more like brothers. Don't lose that kind of friendship. Patch things up. There's a few things I've noticed though...

1. You lost the plot:
given your current situation, understandable. And he should have helped you out as he was in a position to. He apologised though so forgive him and make no further comment on it.

2. He's trying to please everyone:
especially his girlfriend who is without a doubt an almighty self centered bitch. Don't tell him to dump his girlfriend though, let him make a decision as to who he needs. These kind of relationships fail man, he'll cop on to what's happening soon enough but it sounds like he really need to see it for himself. He'll come back eventually and suggest you head for a pint and he'll feel like a tosser, so welcome him back.

3. You feel like you've lost your life support:
no home, no money (you got a job though so there's a little light) and your best mate is holed up with a bitch.

4. She doesn't love him
I hate saying this but it's bloody clear she has no respect for him. If she loved him she'd make the effort with him as much as he does with her.

solutions:

1. Get a loan if you can. just a small one to get you on your feet.
2. Find a place to live
3. Hang out with your other mates

This will solve the first 3 problems. There's nothing more you can do about the last one though, he'll have to find that one for himself. You're his best mate, so welcome him back when he needs a shoulder to lean on and help him out. hope things get better for you soon!

littlebitdull

Send him a quick message saying something to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. Let him know you want to remain friends. It would problably be good for you both to have a bit of a breather/space ... Then let the friendship sit on the back burner for a wee while, you have bigger fish to fry at the moment. But keep in touch with him.

Then concentrate on getting your own life back into some sort of normality, get yourself somewhere to live and your money worries sorted out. Obivously the place to live bit is going to have to be first piroity.

Its unfair to blame the breakdown of your friendship with him on his girlfriend, at the end of the day you are not in their relationship, he is and he has made his choice. If you push it he may not take your side....

And it would be unfair for us to comment on them as they have not posted here, we have only heard your side.

If its a true and real friendship as you discribe its going to last past an arguement. But I do think your going to have to make a bit of an effort to ensure it does.

Ishindar

sorry for your situation hope it improves fast.
when u needed him most he lied and decieved u. u did really really need him and he wasnt there, thats not a friend sorry. doesnt matter if he was influenced he made his decision.

chuci

if your that inseparable than nothing should come in between you.my best friend and i have been glued together since we were 4. we have fought but nothing major and its always fixed with an apology through a quick phone call or by calling to their house. op your the one who lost the plot and told your friend never to speak to you again and got angry when he accepted it. do you want a lap dog of a beast friend. get real he obviously saw that you were in a state and talking to you then would have done nothing. Btw way since you staying in his house show some more respect. tell him that you are sick of him ditching you for his girlfriend and set up an evening a week where the two of you head out a do something that you will both enjoy. the main thing is dont loose this friendship you will regret it.

Miss Fluff

Have you got any sexual feelings for this bloke by any chance?

MissHoneyBun

Sad_Louth wrote: »

I feel suicidal at the moment because I'm in between jobs/houses and am completely broke until later in the month. I'm not eating, sleeping or functioning properly because Im on a mates couch and I have no money. I just wish he'd put me first for once. I wasn't asking him to break up his relationship just to stand up to her and defend the fact that I'm part of his life too. I feel so depressed because I feel I've done and said things I can't undo. And because he won't talk honeslty about how he feels I don't know whats going through his head. All I know is he's heartbroken but I don't know what to do.

Hey you put yourself first right now. You've got some problems of your own at the moment and if this person was a true friend they'd be there for you. I understand it's probably eating you up inside but put it aside for the moment and work on getting yourself sorted! I really feel for you but please, please understand that your situation is really likely to improve if you focus on doing so. You seem like a strong, grounded person and I'm sure you have a lot going for you. You need to remember to be a friend to yourself too...

LoanShark

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Have you got any sexual feelings for this bloke by any chance?

I wasn't gonna say sexual, But Maybe Jealously?

He's under the thumb,and she maybe see's you as a threat to her "Molding of him"...
IT IS A [EMAIL="B@ll$"]B@ll$[/EMAIL] that you are in this current siuation.. and maybe the guy who is putting you up at the moment might be due a promotion...

It's the tough time in our lives when we see who our 'Real' friends are!!

My Best friend shone for me when my Father died...He didn't do anything out of the ordinary,He was just there..