Sisters Boyfriend

LegacyUser

Long post - so sorry!!

My sister has been going out with her boyfriend on and off so many times for the past 10 years that at this stage I have lost count… in all reality they have probably being going out for 2 and a half years in this period but for some reason she keeps going back to him….why nobody can work out!
She is intelligent (worked hard to get to the top of her career), pretty and friendly!
He on the other hand is lazy (only got a full-time job last year and he is 30…he left school at 15 with no qualifications and no ambition), has one topic of conversation (cars) and absolutely no manners!
Over the years he has cheated on my sister, called her rude names (like sl*t) and taken her for every penny. He talked her to get back with him last year (after a 4-year break and a relieved family for those years) with telling her that he had “matured”. [Now if a lad said that to me I would run a mile, but she being trusting caved in].

Here in lies the problem. My sister is due back from a year’s travel at the end of the year and my Mother wants me to bend over backwards for her boyfriend again…and I really could not be bothered because I have made too much effort with him over the years for him to go and throw it back at me and my family again and again when he has cheated on her or they have had another row. I cannot be there to comfort her once again as I see how much it takes out of her and my family every time they break up.
So the only choice I feel I have is to break all contact with my mother and sister until they cop themselves on. My mother because she always takes his side over me or my opinions, and my sister because she always gets back with him when he knows things are going well between her and the family (mainly when he is not in the picture).

On the other hand my family treat my other half like sh*t…he is not from the same part of the country as them and my mother refuses to call him my “boyfriend”, instead referring to him as my “friend”. He has been nothing but courteous to my family, he works hard, is extremely intelligent and can hold a conversation about anything, and my world has changed for the better since he came into it!

I have taken so much abuse from my mother since my sister has been away travelling and I don’t want to have anymore contact with the sister’s boyfriend. So should I just cut all contact with them, which I don’t want to as I used to feel we were a close family but since he has come back into my sister’s life the family is split?

Beruthiel

Are you covering the whole story here?
I'm asking due to confusion:

You're b/f is great and your mother has on time for him.

You're sisters bloke is a waste of space and your mother can't do enough for him.

It's not adding up for me.

RedXIV

I'm with Beruthiel
Something isn't right here.

OP, the course of action you've decided isn't a great one, why make your sister and mother suffer your absence because you don't like someone else. Tell the bf if you have to but i don't see why you'd disown the rest of your family

jubi lee

hmmm you are contemplating cutting contact with your family over your sisters loser of a boyfriend??? not exactly a mature way to deal with things. sory if that it harsh.. but from your post it sounds like there's a little bit of jealousy there at the fact that your mother has not accepted your bf as much as your sister's boyfriend.

first of all who your sis goes out with and how many times they break up etc is really none of your business.

you can extricate yourself from the situation without cutting off all ties with your family. merely tell your sister you love her to bits, hate to see her continually hurt and would rather she keeps you out of it as it upsets you. say the same to your mother. obviously 10 years history there with the other guy.. can he really be that bad if your mother seems to like him??

the situation between you and your mum regarding your fella is a different story and is nothing to do with your sister.

star-pants

Sounds tough alright - At the end of the day you don't have to be overly nice to your sisters bf - just be civil and that's enough. It's her choice to go back to him, and he may have changed over time (some people do, some people don't). Maybe wait and see how the land lies when they get back?
As regards your family - they sound like they just want to support your sister, even if her choice is a bad one, so that she knows she has them there if she needs them. And would rather keep things smooth by being nice to him than being mean to him and thus pushing your sister away from them, which is the last thing they'd want.
In the case of you and your bf - I'm not sure what the story is there, as others have said it sounds a little odd that they'd be horrible to your nice bf and welcoming to your sisters 'not-so-nice' bf. Is this all the story in regards to your bf? or is there more?

LegacyUser

jubi lee wrote: »

hmmm you are contemplating cutting contact with your family over your sisters loser of a boyfriend??? not exactly a mature way to deal with things. sory if that it harsh.. but from your post it sounds like there's a little bit of jealousy there at the fact that your mother has not accepted your bf as much as your sister's boyfriend.

first of all who your sis goes out with and how many times they break up etc is really none of your business.

you can extricate yourself from the situation without cutting off all ties with your family. merely tell your sister you love her to bits, hate to see her continually hurt and would rather she keeps you out of it as it upsets you. say the same to your mother. obviously 10 years history there with the other guy.. can he really be that bad if your mother seems to like him??

the situation between you and your mum regarding your fella is a different story and is nothing to do with your sister.

I am not in fact jealous of my sister. She lives at home with my mother and is molly codeled (sorry about spelling) by my mother as my mother sees her as a "sensitive-soul". My mother sees no good in my other half only because he is not from her part of the country and the jibes about his accent, county football team, "watch your purse", I let go because she has not made the effort to get to know him at all. She always makes the excuse that he comes to visit when she is working even though I check with her to make sure she is not working when I intend to bring him down and then she rings work to see if there is any overtime going for when he is down!

Is it not my business when my sister comes running to me when she is hurt after another breakup, time and time again, and I listen to her say that she will never go back to him and is depressed for months on end and we all have to tread carefully around her incase she does anything to harm herself!

I totally agree with this. I do love her to bits but don't want to see her get hurt again.

John Mason

i think you are just jealous that your mother likes your sister boyfriend and doesnt like you boyfriend.


so what if your sister wants to go out with a loser, its her life, not yours.

humanji

OP, why not sit your mother down and tell her everything you've said here. Tell her how she treats your boyfriend upsets you. Tell her that you believe your sisters boyfriend is no good for her and point out how your mother is always defending him. If she doesn't see a problem with any of this, or doesn't want to do anything about it, then leave her be. There's no need to cut contact, but there's little reason to make an effort for them if they won't for you. And when your sister comes running back to you just tell her to go somewhere else. She may or may not cop herself on, but there's no point you worrying about her life if she isn't going to.

LegacyUser

humanji wrote: »

OP, why not sit your mother down and tell her everything you've said here. Tell her how she treats your boyfriend upsets you. Tell her that you believe your sisters boyfriend is no good for her and point out how your mother is always defending him. If she doesn't see a problem with any of this, or doesn't want to do anything about it, then leave her be. There's no need to cut contact, but there's little reason to make an effort for them if they won't for you. And when your sister comes running back to you just tell her to go somewhere else. She may or may not cop herself on, but there's no point you worrying about her life if she isn't going to.

She knows it annoys me but she has been this way with all my boyfriends or "friends" as she prefers to call them! And she knows only too well how i feel about the sisters boyfriend, and in some points she agrees with me, but because she feels she needs to keep the peace she lets my sister go back to him time and time again, and like me picks up the pieces when it inevitably goes wrong!
My sister is so intelligent but so stupid when it comes to relationships even with her friends and lets people walk all over her and then blames her family for not pointing out that she was being used! I do not want to walk away from. We are all hoping that she will be more savvy and street wise when she returns from her travels!

Wagon

irishbird wrote: »

so what if your sister wants to go out with a loser, its her life, not yours.

humanji wrote: »

...when your sister comes running back to you just tell her to go somewhere else. She may or may not cop herself on, but there's no point you worrying about her life if she isn't going to.

I think that these two posts summarize the situation very accurately. Clearly, your sister is an idiot judging from these posts. I also can't blame you for being bitter and jealous about your mother defending them both while constantly putting down your own OH. But cutting contact isn't a great option. Just leave your boyfriend out of the equation. I've got a feeling that he might hate going down to see your mother a lot more than you do.

seahorse

jubi lee wrote: »

first of all who your sis goes out with and how many times they break up etc is really none of your business.

I have to say I agree with this. Considering disowning your family because you don’t approve of your sisters choice in a partner is just ridiculous; it's also a very strange OTT attempt at control. I think you need to understand that this situation isn’t something you have any right to control.

My sister went out with the biggest eejit in Ireland for four long and arduous years. I never liked him, but I was always civil. She knew my mind on the matter because I'm too much of a big-mouth to keep my opinions to myself, but it never have crossed my mind to try to manipulate her into sharing my perspective. That is what you're considering here by the way; it's manipulation by withholding.

For the record, my sister dumped the eejit in her own time. I'd say if left to her own devices yours probably would too. But you need to butt out imo; romantic relationships are something people have a right to work out for themselves.

dudara

sister wrote: »

So the only choice I feel I have is to break all contact with my mother and sister until they cop themselves on.

Very dramatic and condescending of you to assume that you know better.

Reading your posts, it's clear that you have issues with your mother, your sister and your mother's treatment of your sister. The boyfriends really don't come into it. Have you always felt like this towards your family?

LegacyUser

I spoke with my brother last night regarding this situation. He had been at home with my mum over the weekend and she revealed to him that she had gone pick up some post last week, at the house my sister bought and done up prior to going travelling. My sister had put all new stuff into the house and my brother offered to rent it from her for some of the period that she was away as he was waiting on his own house to be completed. Instead she let it out to her boyfriend rent free. My mum was upset because she said she didnt recognise the place as being the same house that it was 6 months ago. Cigarettes had been stubbed out on the wood flooring, greasy tool boxes and tyres had destroyed the spare room, the rubbish was building up in the garden, presses had been torn from cupboards in the kitchen and there were beer cans all around. Also, there was ladies underwear and hair straighteners (that are both not my sisters) in her bedroom [there are only 2 bedrooms - main and spare]. Mum is upset as she knows he has cheated on her again! This is all from the 30-year lad who told her he had "matured" and would not cheat on her again.
Changing the locks and kicking him out will not work as he will run crying to my sister and tell her that we have a vendetted against him.

I have no issues with my mother or sister, we are a close family who have been through many ups and downs. Me and my sister used to be best of friends - we were like glue - you'd always see us together, now we are just sisters. I like some of her friends cannot stand back and watch her heart break again and her inevitably harm herself!

I must say that I laughed at a number of posts that stated that I was Jealous. I have nothing to be jealous of regarding my sister or her relationship with my mother. I would say that I am closer to my mother than her, and mum knows that if she wants anything she can just ring me day or night. She cannot rely on my sister in the same ways at all!
I am not perfect, I moved out of home at 18 to make my own way in the world and have struggled along the way but have put myself through education, have a great job, my own house and am the happiest that I have ever been in my life! Yeah I have made mistakes - plenty of them - but I have learned from them. My sister on the other hand is perfect in every way - intelligent, good job and a good (if naive at times) friend - but she has made one mistake and has never learned from it - HIM!

In one of the posts it stated that "if she was left to her own she will probably dump him in her own time"....we hope and pray for this on a daily basis.
Thanks for replies - some helped..others made me laugh..but me & the brother decided the best thing we can do is pass our hand with him and hope the sister cops on after 10 years.