How much talk is too much?

LegacyUser

Going unregistered, the usual blah blah. I know this 'problem' may seem trivial but it's a problem that won't go away and I fear that the best relationship I've ever had will combust if we can't fix it.

I've been with my boyfriend for just under a year, I adore him so much and love him dearly, and he feels the same about me (he used to anyway). But things are just beginning to fall to pieces and neither of us is entirely sure why. He says I'm becoming increasingly insecure - when we met first I carried more weight than I do now, but because I didn't care about what other people thought he found that sexy and independent. Now though he says I'm getting more and more hang-ups by the day. He hates that I don't 'get' his sense of humour and he feels like I'm constantly blaming him for everything.

I think his sense of humour is great but it can sometimes be a little bit inappropriate and insensitive to my needs.

We used to talk a lot about our future and made plans about the life we would build. We moved in together a little over a month ago (partly by choice but partly because our situation meant we had to, he's not from Ireland and moved here to be with me) and since then the bickering has intensified.

Yesterday I found out that he was intending to apply for a visa to go to Canada. I confronted him about it and he said he was getting increasingly worried about our relationship and needed a back-up plan. It broke my heart.

We talk and talk but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. I need him to understand that I'm fine on my own, but fragile in a relationship and I need reassurance. Or is it my responsibility to buck up and get over it?

How much talking is too much? And how much compromise do people need to make to make a relationship work? How do I know if I'm asking my boyfriend to do too much and am I expecting too much of him? How much should I be willing to compromise myself to make him happy?

I'm sorry, I guess this doesn't really have any point, I'm just feeling very lost and sad and so afraid that my boyfriend is going to leave. Ugh.

RedXIV

Every real relationship is give and take.
You say that before your bf you were independant and didn't care what people think yet when you get into a relationship with someone who feels strongly for you, you feel fragile?

Why?

Requiring reassurance in a relationship is a sign of insecurity and it is something i would advise you to work on.

His plan for canada however was not appropriate. Having a backup plan that organised sounds like he's already decided what he's doing.

OP you two need to decide if this relationship is for you. He's blaming you for not getting humour and you're constantly seeking validation in a relationship. These are not good signs. Talk to your Bf and be blunt. If you have been talking for ages and ages and still haven't really said anything, then you're avoiding the issue you need to talk about

Aurora Borealis

It sounds like you need to address your insecurity issues. Why do they become heightened in a relationship?

LegacyUser

Thank you both for your reply.

Aurora Borealis wrote: »

It sounds like you need to address your insecurity issues. Why do they become heightened in a relationship?

My Dad was an alcoholic and left when I was 11. He sobered up when I was 14 but I've grown up a typical Adult Child of an Alcoholic. There's a part of me that knows that every man in my life will walk away from me eventually and it'll be my fault.

Someone jokingly accused me of always playing the victim recently, and it sickens me to think that maybe that really is how others see me and that that's how I portray myself.

I went through a fairly heavy bout of depression in my early 20's and stayed single for 4 years after that. Now that I'm in a relationship though I can feel a lot of the old issues resurfacing and I'm starting to swim in circles.