Marriage counselling

LegacyUser

Hi.

Going unregged for this one.

In the last couple of days my wife dropped a bit of a bombshell. We are coming up to our third year married and basically she says she is not happy with how things are. Got to admit this took me by surprise. She says we don't have a lot in common, like similar interests. We don't fight or anything and I always thought we were close. She says we should goto counselling. That scares the crap out of me, I only really associated counselling with people who were on the verge of break up! Looking for some advice on how to handle this, I love her to bits and would do *anything* for her.

thanks
noname

geminilady

I dont have any personal experience with counselling but perhaps you should talk to your wife about your concerns. keep open the doors of communication. I think counselling is possibly a good idea, your wife isn't just going to give up on you as a couple so i think you should give it a go, sure whats the harm?
Good luck hope it works out.

deisemum

OP my husband and I attended marriage counselling and it was very good for us. We had sessions of individual and couple counselling. We had separated for 6 months and were well down the legal route. We're now very happily married, over 18 years now.

At least your wife isn't just throwing in the towel which is probably a good sign. It looks like she's not happy with your marriage and is trying to save it so all is not lost.

I agree about keeping the doors of communicatios open. Even worst case senario that your marriage ends at least counselling will help you get your head round it.

After each counselling session I used to be wrecked. It was emotionally draining but usually in a good way if that makes sense. We had a very good counsellor and she was much better than the one (run by a religious organisation but religon didn't come into it) we'd seen before we separated.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses. Yes it is positive that she is wanting to seek help but I can't help but feel its a little premature. We have open communication with one another, we go out together etc. She talks about not liking routine and I get the feeling she thinks I am boring. I'll admit it I'm not a party animal but I'm open new ideas. Should I say to her that can we give it some time to try and work things out on our own, like set goals?

I've already talked about a couple of activities to do together, i.e. biking and swimming just to change the routine. When we were dating we went swimming together and it was nice.

I know that she has already looked into counselling services or is at least "looking". I too have made inquiries. It just feels like counselling is kind of the last step people use on the verge of breakup...

I'm a very flexible person and not stubborn. I'll admit if she feels like this there is a serious reason I just dont want to get to last resorts so early on.

Noname

Dizzyblonde

I'd go along with counselling if I were you, as others have said it won't do any harm. It could be that your wife is overreacting and it's not a serious problem, but the counselling would also help her to see that. In my opinion counselling isn't a last resort, it's actually smart to seek it when the problem hasn't reached crisis point.
Good luck.

BobTheBeat

You shouldnt associate counselling as being a bad thing, more a means to an end. That end being your marriage getting back on track through both your partner and you becoming more aware of each others' opinions and feelings.

You say that you have open communication, but how is it then that you were surprised by all of this?Were there any warning signs?More importantly,do both of you speak openly on an emotional level. By that, I mean do you talk things out after arguments, do you make plans together (long term/short term things such as holidays-activities-socializing etc)?

You could look at the counselling as a way to improve the two-way communication between you. To me, it looks like both of you want to, but just dont quite know how. Its fundamental to any relationship, but unchecked, can lead to serious problems.

LegacyUser

bobmeaney wrote: »

You say that you have open communication, but how is it then that you were surprised by all of this?Were there any warning signs?More importantly,do both of you speak openly on an emotional level. By that, I mean do you talk things out after arguments, do you make plans together (long term/short term things such as holidays-activities-socializing etc)?

Yes, after I thought about what I stated I had to admit to myself that perhaps I had been ignoring the signs even though they were subtle at times. Putting it down to the time of month.

She misses her family (she moved from quite a distance away) and really the culture where she came from is more close knit. It's probably been the longest period of time between her seeing family, not saying that's the problem but perhaps its made her rely more on me and I'm not compensating well enough for it.

I need to work on increasing our communication to a deeper level... I think that's core.

Beruthiel

noname4this wrote: »

Yes it is positive that she is wanting to seek help but I can't help but feel its a little premature.

Perhaps she wishes to nip this in the bud before it gets to the stage that it can't be recovered from.

She talks about not liking routine

I'm presuming she has mentioned this to you in the past?
If so, that was your warning sign that something was up.

LegacyUser

I talked to my wife and she said some things to me about my personality that she would like to me to change. I accepted this and she said about marriage counselling again. She said maybe going to individual sessions. I accepted this. We had a good evening and a great night... It was very tender... I suppose now we just work on each day at a time, trying to learn what was good and what needs to be better.