Too Nice - Unsexy

LegacyUser

Hey Guys,

I've been seeing a really great guy for the past 6 months. He's kind, considerate, funny and very loving.
He does everything for me and always puts me first. My happiness is his priority and I feel so guilty for
what I'm about to say. I find his niceness really unattractive. I was with my ex for 4 years and he was a
real Jack the lad. He was also a musician and didn't treat me very well. It ended in violence, arguments over
drugs etc. He was so selfish and broke my heart but I have never been so attracted to somebody. I realise
how immature going for bad boys is and how it always ends in tears but that spark is so sexy and can be
irresistible.

Anyway, my current boyfriend is handsome but he's not really my type. When I look at him I don't wanna tear his clothes
off but he's so funny and such amazing guy and everybody said to me that he's a 'grower' and I'd be a fool to throw away
such a great guy. Sometimes I'm attracted to him and sometimes I don't want him near me.

Last night I decided to tell him how I feel. He took it really badly and was very upset. I felt really guilty and ended up staying
over and sleeping with him but this morning it hit me that I can't continue on pretending to feel something I don't. 6 months
is long enough to figure out if you're into somebody.

I told him this morning that it's over and that I'm sorry. Last week I felt close to him and attracted to him but this weekend I felt
nothing towards him. I'd love to be friends but I know that can't happen. Anyway, he has called, texted and emailed non-stop
all morning making him even more unattractive to me. He called me almost in tears and keeps emailing me asking me to think
of the good times.

How can I be attracted to him one minute and practically repulsed the next? He got angry in one email and called me a weirdo for
being like this. How can I make him see it's over? He keeps saying he can feel the love between us but he's wrong.

Can you 'grow' attracted to somebody or is the spark essential. I'm scared I'm making a big mistake here but surely you should
fancy your bf. Also, I can't give him a good reason for this and I feel like telling him the truth. Is that okay, can you tell someone
your not attracted to them?

RedXIV

Sounds like your just not at the right stage for this guy. fast forward 20 years and he might be the ideal man, who is always there to look after you and treat you like a princess. But at the moment you want the badass. as many girls do. Never really understood why people said "treat em mean, keep em keen" until i actually realised it worked. I don't like it but i can testify now it does.

You made the right decision in breaking off with him if he's not what you were looking for, the spark you seek at the moment obviously is not in him so there's no point leading him on. move on and tell him to do the same

syklops

6 months is long enough to figure out if you're into somebody.

Erm, about 6 minutes is long enough to decide your not into someone.

You must have known there was no spark when you started going out with him so why did you go out with him? After a week, did you not say, "he is not for me".

Break up with him, and cut contact. Tell him, its not him, it is you. You don't deserve him.

Sorry for being blunt, but that is the way it is.

jellie

as someone currently on the other end of this (minus the begging), i know id rather be on my own & given a chance to find someone who will love me properly than have someone be with me & pretend. he will see this eventually.

maybe you do need to tell him youre not attracted to him. not that hes ugly.. phrase it nicely but sometimes you need a reason for it to end to make it easier to accept.

try not to give in & reply & talk to him loads. it makes things worse & would probably give him hope. dont be cruel & just ignore him but explain to him that you dont think its a good idea to be in contact & you wont be replying or answering the phone.

tbh

OP, you absolutely did the right thing, even tho it was the hardest option. You put your exes best interests first and I've no doubt that that will stand to you, well done. All you have to do is tell him you don't feel a spark, you wish you did but you don't. These things happen. Fair play to you.

mehfesto2

Yeah, if he's not right for you now, move on.
Explain to him he's a great guy and tell him some girls would love him, but he's just not what you need right now. You're young and you want to see different people. You've had your time, but it'd be unfair to both of you to carry on if you're heart's not in it. Be firm and tell him to stop texting because he's only making it worse for himself. Dont offer friendship unless it's really going to happen. Its patronising otherwise

But don't be surprised if you ever want him back to find he's gone. Girls want bad guys for a while, but who wants to marry/stay with a bastard for too long, eh? There's enough misery in the world, and when you want love and hugs you don't want to be met with a fight.
But a guy who can take care of you properly and affectionately won't be on the market long.

And sure there's plenty of fish in the sea! For you and him!

echosound

Agree with syklops.

You need to break contact with him for his own sake, so he can move on and find someone else who appreciates him for who he is. He also needs to know that it's you, not him. There's no point in making the chap doubt himself and trying to change his personality in the future (ie don't tell him he's too nice and that's what repulses you about him) as he sounds like a gem.

You might also want to examine yourself a little too, you say you were attracted to an ex who was violent and had arguments regarding drugs etc and who generally treated you like dirt. Physical attraction is one thing, but when it gets to the stage that you overlook glaring faults and violence for the sake of looks or chemistry, and spend 4 years putting up with rubbish like that, it's time to have a little introspective look at why you want the "bad guy" and the "good guy" repulses you. At the end of the day, the bad guy's looks will fade and he'll just be an old, ugly asshole, with zero going for him, whereas the good guy's looks might fade but he will still be a great guy.

Examine why you feel the need for people to treat you with zero respect and violence, as that's a road that will only lead to more heartbreak and misery.

Kold

Sounds like one of my friends from college, I can't even listen to her talk about this **** anymore because I think she's bang out of order for stringing her current boyfriend along like she is.

RealEstateKing

probably cut contact with him, but also take a long look at yourself.

Women like you who deliberately seek out abusive guys usually end up ****ed. Can you think of anything that growing up might have caused you to feel this way?

herya

Looks like you don't love him at all so there's no point in staying with him. Let him find somebody who really cares about him and good luck to you in finding a suitable person for you.

BUT

you seem to concentrate a lot on his character vs your ex-s style. I don't think it works like this. If you don't love him it's not "because he's nice", just that don't love him. If he changed to a badass overnight you wouldn't probably start loving him all of a sudden either.

Be fair, it's not his personality, it's lack of emotion on your side.

Wibbs

RealEstateKing wrote: »

probably cut contact with him, but also take a long look at yourself.

Women like you who deliberately seek out abusive guys usually end up ****ed. Can you think of anything that growing up might have caused you to feel this way?

Maybe maybe not. It could be just a phase. I feel the bad boy phase is when women haven't figured out what a good guy is(I don't mean "nice" either*).

Bad boys are exiting. Good men are exiting. Nice guys rarely are.
Bad boys are attractive to other women and may cheat. Good men are attractive to other women, but won't. Nice guys aren't as attractive(not physically btw, emotionally).
Bad boys have social power but will abuse it. Good men have social power but don't. Nice guys rarely do.
Bad boys have boundaries(usually daft ones). Good men have boundaries. Nice guys rarely do when it comes to women.
Bad boys are usually sexually open and not afriad to show it. Good men are sexually open and not afraid to show it. Nice guys usually are not.
Bad boys know what they want and go for it. Good men know what they want and go for it. Nice guys may know what they want, but are too insecure to go for it.
Bad boys are often emotionally remote. Good men are emotional but in good control of same. Nice guys are over emotional.

That list could go on(as can I ) but you get the gist. Now you can see why many women go through this phase. Some never leave it. Now good men do not play the head games of bad boys for a start and they are far more stable than bad boys or "nice" guys. Indeed bad boys and nice guys are two sides of the same coin, namely insecurity. It's just bad boys cover it better.

This does not mean that good men are bastards. Not at all. The difference between a bad boy and a good man is respect for themselves and imprtantly for a woman as an equal until proven otherwise. All women and especially the woman he loves.

Bad boys trigger strong attraction points in women, especially young women who havent figured out the difference yet. This goes double if the woman is insecure or has had bad male influences in her life(usually daddy).

I think the OP needs to leave this guy. She may regret it down the line, but memory is fickle so maybe not.

He needs to find someone who respects him for who he is. If you have any affection for him at all then let him go so he can find her and she can find him. It may well prove to be an important lesson for both of you.

*By nice I mean the guys who never get women, because they're too shy, not confident and think by hanging around being her "friend" hoping for more works.

LegacyUser

Kold wrote: »

Sounds like one of my friends from college, I can't even listen to her talk about this **** anymore because I think she's bang out of order for stringing her current boyfriend along like she is.

Give me a break, I'm trying to do the right thing here even though it's hard. This isn't a walk in the park for me either especailly knowing how upset he is.

I feel terrible about ending it with him and he's really cut up over it.
He asked me for a reason and I can't say there's no spark because he'll then ask why i stayed for 6 months.
The reason i stayed that long is because I think he's such an amazing guy and I hoped that I'd develop sexual feelings
towards him. A few people I know went out with people who they weren't hugely attracted to but in time in grew.
I don't think that's gonna happen to me but I gave it a 6 month shot.

Any girl would be lucky to have him but I really feel that he is too nice. He'd bend over backwards for anyone and is a bit
of a doormat. i just don't find that sexy in any way. We'd argue over something small and he'd always be the one apologising
frantically even if I was blantantly in the wrong. I don't want a complete pr*ck but I want a guy with a set of balls!!

Wibbs

Sparkless wrote: »

I don't want a complete pr*ck but I want a guy with a set of balls!!

Quoted for truth. Hey maybe after your last eejit, you went too far the other way as it was so different. All part of your growth in wat you want. Part of his growth maybe to lose you and figure out why.

TBH I would tell him the real reason. Don't say "it's not you its me". Tell him you think he's such a nice guy and any woman would be glad to get him, but that he needs to have boundaries and stand up for himself as any women will rightfully figure that if he doesn't stand up to her he may not stand up for her.

RealEstateKing

I don't want a complete pr*ck but I want a guy with a set of balls!!

And an understandable sentiment. I've known (and dated) a few like you in my time!

The danger however, is from what we've heard of your last relationship being violent, and drug-related: It doesnt sound to us, like you're just looking out for a guy who isnt afraid to tell you what he thinks, you're looking for someone a bit more edgy than that. This is not healthy behaviour IMO. You should go to a therapist and try and find out why this is.

Wibbs

A therapist? Sheesh we're not yanks. You could be accused of projection anyway.:D

Seriously though maybe she's simply gone from one extreme to the other and now realises there is a middle path.

She still needs to let him go mind.

wylo

OP, dont worry most girls react the way you did, its common. Dont string him along any more and dont feel the need to stay with him just because hes nice.

I used be that nice guy and it never ever helped me with women. Little things like whenever a girl I was seeing got upset Id get upset, whenever id get into any potential arguement with a girl id back off and let her "win", I was always afraid to take the piss gently out of a girl at the fear she wouldnt take it well, I let her make the decisions too often when it should have been me coming up with the ideas(like what movies to see etc), does any of this seem familar??

anyway Ive stopped all that, this isnt to say im the bad guy but just instead of being over nice Im much much more confident and stick to my guns alot more.
Hopefully your ex will see the light

so yes sorry girls, but its so so true, treat em mean, keep em keen

echosound

wylo wrote: »

... treat em mean, keep em keen

OK I know that's just a flippant cliche, but in many women's case (my own included) treat em mean = getting dumped by said woman pronto.

RAIN

Sparkless wrote: »

Any girl would be lucky to have him but I really feel that he is too nice. He'd bend over backwards for anyone and is a bit
of a doormat. i just don't find that sexy in any way. We'd argue over something small and he'd always be the one apologising
frantically even if I was blantantly in the wrong. I don't want a complete pr*ck but I want a guy with a set of balls!!

Are you serious? what if he reads this? how do you think he would feel about what your saying about him on the internet? do you think it would take much to figure out its him your talking about?

Fair enough your not attracted to him, but bending over backwards isent a bad thing for most people.

Breaking his heart its the best thing you could do for him. So he knows in future to stay away from people who don't know what they want. (easily spotted by the fact that the say they don't like you and then sleep with you aaaaand then tell them you don't want to see them the next morning)


You go find your bad guy, who likes girls who wouldn't bend over backwards to help them, and will sleep with them just cus they feel guilty. Im sure you'll be very happy.

wylo

echosound wrote: »

OK I know that's just a flippant cliche, but in many women's case (my own included) treat em mean = getting dumped by said woman pronto.

Well maybe your taking the phrase too literally:p

wylo

RAIN wrote: »

Are you serious? what if he reads this? how do you think he would feel about what your saying about him on the internet? do you think it would take much to figure out its him your talking about?

Fair enough your not attracted to him, but bending over backwards isent a bad thing for most people.

Breaking his heart its the best thing you could do for him. So he knows in future to stay away from people who don't know what they want. (easily spotted by the fact that the say they don't like you and then sleep with you aaaaand then tell them you don't want to see them the next morning)


You go find your bad guy, who likes girls who wouldn't bend over backwards to help them, and will sleep with them just cus they feel guilty. Im sure you'll be very happy.

no need to be bitter!!

RedXIV

RAIN wrote: »

Are you serious? what if he reads this? how do you think he would feel about what your saying about him on the internet? do you think it would take much to figure out its him your talking about?

Fair enough your not attracted to him, but bending over backwards isent a bad thing for most people.

Breaking his heart its the best thing you could do for him. So he knows in future to stay away from people who don't know what they want. (easily spotted by the fact that the say they don't like you and then sleep with you aaaaand then tell them you don't want to see them the next morning)


You go find your bad guy, who likes girls who wouldn't bend over backwards to help them, and will sleep with them just cus they feel guilty. Im sure you'll be very happy.

I sound like a bast**d for saying it, i know, but this may be a learning curve he needs. I needed it at one stage so i've no problem admitting it. And thanks to someone explaining why i was too nice, i was able to become alot more confident with women and i'm 10 times as happy with myself. I didn't have to cover up a part of me, it was more learning how to think.

And after my experiences, the girl who told me all this decided two years afterwards that i was finally the guy she wanted to be with, mainly coz i developed a back bone. I don't agree with picking fights and treating a girl like dirt but on the same token i KNOW from personal experience, being the nice guy does lead girls on to treating you like a doormat

RAIN

I only took from it what i read. I dont mean to sound bitter i mean the OP deserves to be happy everyone does but no need to insult the guy. Im fighting for the good guy's !!!!

He does need his heart broken itl snap him rite out of it.I know it snapped me out of it.

wylo

fair enough, well it snapped me out of it too and its a much better feeling, and I must say I have actually MORE respect for women now than I would have when i was being too nice, I treat them equal now,

RealEstateKing

Breaking his heart its the best thing you could do for him

No it isnt. All he needs to do is find someone who appreciates him for who he is. He doesnt need to hear criticism from you that will wreck his confidence for years to come.

Being a nice guy is not a moral failing: To put it simply: Suppose we reversed this post into a guy complaining about not finding his overweight girlfriend attractive? What would your advice be then?

AARRRGH

Sparkless wrote: »

I find his niceness really unattractive... he's not really my type... sometimes I don't want him near me... I can't continue on pretending to feel something I don't... this weekend I felt
nothing towards him.

He's not your type. You did the right thing breaking up with him.

To save yourself from a life of pain, try to figure out why you like bad men. A therapist will help you.

Apart from that, well done for having the courage to end it with someone you should not be with. He'll benefit from your actions in the long run.

RedXIV

RealEstateKing wrote: »

No it isnt. All he needs to do is find someone who appreciates him for who he is. He doesnt need to hear criticism from you that will wreck his confidence for years to come.

I received this criticism, and it has done nothing but boost my confidence. If the guy is willing to accept that he needs to learn from this relationship, then he too will receive this confidence boost.

RealEstateKing wrote: »

Being a nice guy is not a moral failing: To put it simply: Suppose we reversed this post into a guy complaining about not finding his overweight girlfriend attractive? What would your advice be then?

You're right, it's not a moral failing. But unfortunately, and i'm afraid this is true, it's a social failing. He's simply not providing traits that are attractive to women. Now you can slam me all you want but i can tell you that in all my years of being the nice guy, i got walked over, dumped, taken advantage of and basically screwed over. When a girl finally DID tell me that the doormat is not the way to go, i was able to pull myself together, re-examine what i was doing and as i said earlier, i'm happier now because of it

RealEstateKing

Yes, but there's different ways of being attractive to women: There's guys who are attractive to lots of women, and guys who are the most fantastic guy to one woman.

In most cases it's impossible to change a nice guy (Im one too, for my sins!) , into the opposite. It's their personality, and they shouldnt have to change it cause they had the misfortune to go out with a woman that likes bastards. There are millions of women out there that dont have self-esteem issues, and arent stuck in a 19th century paradigm of male-female relations:)

He's simply not providing traits that are attractive to women.

That's precisely the point: He's not providing traits attractive to this particular woman, granted. They should break up.

This doesnt mean he has anything to learn from her, other than not to go for women like her in future.

For his sake, she should keep it clinical: Tell him it's over, and keep shut about his failings: It'd be rather like asking me to review a My Chemical Romance gig , I'd say " No I cant, pass it on to someone who likes that sort of Emo-****e."

allabouteve

echosound wrote: »

OK I know that's just a flippant cliche, but in many women's case (my own included) treat em mean = getting dumped by said woman pronto.

Treat me mean and he's history. Only works with the young and/or insecure I think, because no emotionally mature person would tolerate being treated mean. Big generalisation I know.

pwd

It's not that he's too "nice" it's that he's too *keen*. Comes across as a bit desperate. Normal to be repulsed by that.

MIN2511

dublindude wrote: »

He's not your type. You did the right thing breaking up with him.

To save yourself from a life of pain, try to figure out why you like bad men. A therapist will help you.

Apart from that, well done for having the courage to end it with someone you should not be with. He'll benefit from your actions in the long run.

She doesn't need a therapist, we all want what is bad for us and we know it.

Time would tell, you would make mistakes(and i hope you would learn from them).



I liked bad boys once, never again i didn't need a therapist to tell me-i learnt the hard way

AARRRGH

MIN2511 wrote: »

I liked bad boys once, never again i didn't need a therapist to tell me-i learnt the hard way

Most people don't learn though! If they did, we wouldn't have all the spousal abuse we have today.

But like the OP, these people like having an abusive partner. Weird.

CathyMoran

If it were me I would have given the guy a longer chance to grow on you, though I have a feeling that you are not at the right life stage for this man. I met my husband over 10 years ago, I must admit that I found him boring as he was so nice. I knew that in the back of my head that was the kind of man I wanted, I just could not bring myself to fancy him but I was afraid that someone else would grab him as he was so nice. I stayed with him and we had our ups and downs, we mainly fought because he wanted to get married but I did not. Then I had a life changing experience and realised that he was the man for me all along - we are blissfully happy together and I realise that now I was just scared of falling in love with him as it really would be the real thing (which it is).

To all those other nice guys, stay that way, the right girl will find you and appreciate you eventually. From my experience the nice guys married far sooner than the bad boys and are happier too.

MJOR

dublindude wrote: »

Most people don't learn though! If they did, we wouldn't have all the spousal abuse we have today.

But like the OP, these people like having an abusive partner. Weird.

Every girl likes the bad guy but you grow out of it...... Trust me.... he isn't Mr Right..... for definate..... cut the contact for his sake...... it'll be like ripping the plaster off quickly rather than slowly


My mum always said... Don't marry the man you love marry the man that loves you...... (although i was lucky i found both )

six weeks should have told you he was wrong.... but you're not on the same page as him!!!

move on and be cruel to be kind
hope u never said I love you????????

MagicMarker

Sparkless wrote: »

I was with my ex for 4 years and he was a
real Jack the lad. He was also a musician and didn't treat me very well. It ended in violence, arguments over
drugs etc. He was so selfish and broke my heart but I have never been so attracted to somebody. I realise
how immature going for bad boys is and how it always ends in tears but that spark is so sexy and can be
irresistible.

:rolleyes: How old are you ffs!?

Methinks that you'll find yourself a bad boy who treats you like dirt and then in a few years when you've got 4 kids hanging from you and your oh so sexy badboy is with his mates in the pub, you'll be thinking back and wondering what could have been with that nice guy that you treated like dirt.

herya

RedXIV wrote: »

You're right, it's not a moral failing. But unfortunately, and i'm afraid this is true, it's a social failing. He's simply not providing traits that are attractive to women.

Hey hey hold on here, so far we only know that he is not attractive to ONE woman who openly admits that he's not her type and never has been. Other people seem to think he's great. Don't try to fix the guy's life if there is nothing wrong with it.

mrsdewinter

OP, you and this guy are not meant to be together. Certainly not at this moment in time. And you're smart enough to know that by stringing him along, you're messing up his chances of meeting someone who'll love him. At least you've realised all this before you got to a place where you've made emotional/financial investment and decided to see things thru to bitter end.
I'm sure you know it's not your place to tell him where he's going wrong. It'd sound like kicking him when he's down.
In my experience the 'nice' guys aren't as harmless and forlorn as we like to believe.
If he's been set free, what's the worst that could happen? He'll either meet a girl who, in her own mind, thinks he's a dangerous stud, or else he'll live a bit more of life, and develop that glint in his eye which has so far been missing.
In any case, wherever you are right now, he's not for you. You'd be doing both of you a disservice if you stayed with him.
Good luck

Talliesin

Do you think perhaps there just isn't any spark. The "too nice" thing is you trying to identify something wrong when really it's a lack of something right?

LegacyUser

Talliesin wrote: »

Do you think perhaps there just isn't any spark. The "too nice" thing is you trying to identify something wrong when really it's a lack of something right?

Yes, that's exactly what I think, hence the username 'Sparkless'. I just don't feel that passionate urge to rip his clothes off when I see him.

I don't see his niceness as a failing of his either, simply as unattractive to me. I can't stay with somebody who I'm not attracted to. We had a small argument a while back where he actually stood up to me and asked me to leave his house cause I was being a *tch to him and he'd never seemed so attractive in my eyes because he was being a man and not pandering to me. Predictably though, as I went to leave he came chasing after me apologising like crazy and getting upset that I was leaving.

I don't even like arguing, it's hard to explain I guess I just liked when he seemed more confident and stood his ground...until he caved in again..

RedXIV

herya wrote: »

Hey hey hold on here, so far we only know that he is not attractive to ONE woman who openly admits that he's not her type and never has been. Other people seem to think he's great. Don't try to fix the guy's life if there is nothing wrong with it.

Fair enough, probably an overgeneralisation. I'm gonna put it down to an age/experience thing, most girls that have had enough relationship experience to realise what they want will probably find the nice guy thing attractive.

The confidence issues i brought up would definitely be more strongly aimed at a younger crowd (although that doesn't mean it won't work on women of all ages). I was merely throwing in my two cents of experience the ended up changing my life for the better

Wibbs

RealEstateKing wrote:

Yes, but there's different ways of being attractive to women: There's guys who are attractive to lots of women, and guys who are the most fantastic guy to one woman.

Very true. I do think that redxiv has some good points though. If you take that extreme then lets say the guy never meets that woman, or when he does she leaves? Increasing your chances by being a confident man is surely a better bet. More to the point it's a better bet for him in general. Is it not better for him to increase his chances rather than limit them?

In most cases it's impossible to change a nice guy (Im one too, for my sins!) , into the opposite.

You see I think it depends on ones definition of nice. It's not black and white, one thing or the other. If by nice one means passive, unconfident and insecure, overly emotional or emtionally inconsistent, then that could do with improvement again for the guy. In my experience that's usually near enough how self defined "nice" guys act. If you mean someone kind and confident and emotionally solid then that's a different thing entirely. In any case, we all need improvement and we should all strive to bring out the best we can be for ourselves. When we stop trying we stop living.

It's their personality, and they shouldnt have to change it cause they had the misfortune to go out with a woman that likes bastards.

Again it's ones definition of bastards. The OP as an example went out with a bastard and admits that he was such. This last guy she has said repeatedly she felt was a very good guy, her problme was that he was basically spineless in his dealings with her. He could improve in that area for himself.

There are millions of women out there that dont have self-esteem issues, and arent stuck in a 19th century paradigm of male-female relations

Yes but they still want a well rounded man. Indeed the less self esteem issues that they have the more likely they will seek out similar in a man. Naturally, they'll want an equal, not someone that has no boundaries.

dublindude wrote: »

Most people don't learn though! If they did, we wouldn't have all the spousal abuse we have today.

I think there is truth in that.

But like the OP, these people like having an abusive partner. Weird.

I do think it's largely down to those things I wrote earlier. Bad boys trigger certain things that are false attractants. Also while it's pop psychology at its worst, I have noticed that women who go from one bad relationship to the next are either looking for someone to save them or moreso are trying to repair damage from the past. The really obvious one is someone whose father left in their childhood and now they seek out men who will leave, hoping that this time they can stop that. Obvious, yes, but I can think of two like that off the top of my head.

In the case of someone who keeps making unhealthy relationship choices, I would actually say to them that the more "chemistry" they feel for a guy, the more likely he will repeat the pattern.

I'm not so sure the OP falls into this category though.

OP I could be wrong, but I think after the rollercoaster of your previous guy, you may have been looking for someone the complete opposite. This put you in more control for a start as you knew early on he felt more than you did. You've swung from one extreme to the other. Both are unhealthy for you and them, but this last nice guy is more what you should be looking for, with extra confidence.

aye

Sparkless wrote: »

We had a small argument a while back where he actually stood up to me and asked me to leave his house cause I was being a *tch to him and he'd never seemed so attractive in my eyes because he was being a man and not pandering to me. Predictably though, as I went to leave he came chasing after me apologising like crazy and getting upset that I was leaving.

I don't even like arguing, it's hard to explain I guess I just liked when he seemed more confident and stood his ground...until he caved in again..

this to me sounds like you want someone who isnt that caring about the relationship. you found it attractive when he was willing to kick you out, and piss you off, and prob not call you back, but then cos he caved and showed that truely he doesnt want to be fighting with you that attractiveness went.

it's like you want what you cant have. you want the guy who is willing to just tell you to f - off at the first sign of trouble basically, instead of the guy who will stick it out. (i'm not saying he should cave in at arguements in the slightest by the way.)

it's pretty common for people to want what they cant have, just let him go and figure it out for himself. and he gets older he'll prob start standing up for himself more.

Wibbs

aye Maybe I'm reading this massively wrong, but I don't think the OP is saying that at all.

aye wrote:

it's like you want what you cant have.

Where does she say that?

you want the guy who is willing to just tell you to f - off at the first sign of trouble basically,

She doesn't say that either.

instead of the guy who will stick it out.

Again she doesn't say that either.

(i'm not saying he should cave in at arguements in the slightest by the way.)

Bingo! That's precisely what she feels he does. That's why she's lost any hope of attraction for him.There is a difference between telling someone to píss off and having boundaries and standing up for themselves when the situation requires that. Caring about someone and the relationship is not mutually exclusive to caring about yourself.

I wouldn't be shocked to hear that the OP actually tried to get him to react and stand up for himself. Not healthy, but I could understand the frustration if someone one is consistently a doormat. Male or female.

aye

just the way i was picking it up.
she wants the guy who is willing to walk out over an arguement and that will just tell her where to go without thinking about it.

i may have picked it up wrong.

yeh i was in a realtionship where the girl started arguements just to get a reaction, and it was when i gave the reactions she wanted that they stopped soon after. being a doormat isnt good, but the OP's guy will learn that in time i would say.

BobTheBeat

Wibbs wrote: »

aye Maybe I'm reading this massively wrong, but I don't think the OP is saying that at all.

Where does she say that? She doesn't say that either. Again she doesn't say that either. Bingo! That's precisely what she feels he does. That's why she's lost any hope of attraction for him.There is a difference between telling someone to píss off and having boundaries and standing up for themselves when the situation requires that. Caring about someone and the relationship is not mutually exclusive to caring about yourself.

I wouldn't be shocked to hear that the OP actually tried to get him to react and stand up for himself. Not healthy, but I could understand the frustration if someone one is consistently a doormat. Male or female.

I think Aye might mean, she wants what shouldnt have because its bad for her and she knows it. The rest, are things you *could* infer from her posts.

The bad guy is usually a self centred clown and everyone knows it. The 'too nice' guy is so far gone on the kindness train, that he loses all respect for himself... Balance is the key. As others have stated, you've tasted both, now go find someone down the middle. Voyage of self discovery ftw!

If you do one thing for yourself, you should try and avoid the 'bad' guy (is it just me or does that really sound like a cop out?). He will only give a sh*t about you when theres something in it for him, and will have no qualms with ruining your life again and again.