Cheating... 9months on

Azureus

Warning;long thread

My bf of 10months cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship, with his ex gf of 3years. It was about a month in, but we were quite close considering. I had my reservations about him staying friends with this girl considering she was constantly bad mouthing me and trying to get back with him but i was also friends with an ex similar, so couldnt be hypocritical and ask him not to. But eventually my fears were realised. In short, and not to be blunt, he thought with his dick and ended up sleeping with her one night when she called over. I had known she was going to be there, but trusted him completely, yet he let me down. He told me the next day (i suspect because friends had found out about it, and would have told me if he didnt) and i broke up with him straight away.

After a couple of weeks of texts and calls begging me to take him back, i gave in. I really cared about him, even though we hadnt been together terribly long, and he promised to cut all ties with this girl, which he did.

The problem is she is in social circles close to my own and i see her out a fair bit. Althought they no longer speak, she still has a lot of animosity towards us both and i feel like her being around contantly reminds me of what happened, and the hurt it caused me. I have never been cheated on before this and i saw it as th ultimate betrayal, especially as he told had told me how much he cared for me before doing it. I feel like i cant let the issue go, and get my heart broken again every time i see her. During sex with my bf the other night, i had to stop midway through because all i could picture was him and her... it was horrible. He was very understanding, but i feel like i need to just let it go and cant. What do i do!

Wurly

Okay, do you trust your boyfriend now?

Nevyn

Get a different socail circle.

Azureus

Tri ;
He has given me absolutely no reason not to, other than this incident and a womanising reputation before me (which i feel i cant judge him on because he has been genuinely great to me)

Thaedydal;
I try to avoid her as much as possible but dublin is a small place. Also, a close friend of mine is related to her and she often comes out with him, without him letting me know (needless to say, we are not near as close anymore!) She has a slight obsession with my bf, she tends to come out where she thinks we will be (going to bars she would never usually go to etc) and while we have tried to change our scene as much as possible, it is impossible to do this completley. When we do end up in the same places, i avoid her as much as possible/go elsewhere, yet this has led to countless ruined nights. i dont think its fair that i suffer because i have done nothing wrong so i would rather try to get over the issue and let it lie.

Wurly

This is a really hard one OP.

Personally, I just don't think I could trust him again. I would get the pictures in my head too and that would be too upsetting for me. But I have been cheated on before so I dont trust easy. Once its broken for me, its broken for good.

You have decided to give it another go and by the sounds of things, you still trust him.

My advice therefore would be to voice your concerns when they crop up, either to him or a trusted friend. Try not to let things simmer and turn into resentments. You seem like a fair and emotionally mature girl so I dont see you using this against him as a weapon etc. Therefore, he should be okay with putting your mind at rest when need be and willing to work through this together.

It may be an idea to meet your good friends outside the 'circle' as such for a while. As your relationship gets stronger and you move on from this, it will be so much easier when you see her again. But you need a break from the circle to let all this pass away.

Basically speaking, make this as easy as you can on yourself. You are the one who was wronged here. He is lucky to have you and lucky that you are giving him a second chance.

I wish you luck OP, its not easy. And betrayal is horrible. Remember, you deserve to be happy. Do whatever needs doing to make that happen.xx

aidan24326

Azureus wrote: »

Tri ; i dont think its fair that i suffer because i have done nothing wrong so i would rather try to get over the issue and let it lie.

So get over it. Seriously. You can't spend your life dwelling on the past. If you're happy with your boyfriend now and he's being good to you then it's not fair to keep bringing this up. Sooner or later you just have to drop it. As for the ex, fcuk her. Just ignore her. If she's in the same pub and you don't feel comfortable, well there's loads of places to go in Dublin, it's not like you're in a small town where bumping into her would be unavoidable. Go somewhere else.

If you can't forget then dump your boyfriend because your constantly dragging up the past will drive him away eventually anyway.

Otherwise just drop it and move one. Look forward not back.

Azureus

Tri wrote: »

My advice therefore would be to voice your concerns when they crop up, either to him or a trusted friend.

Thanks Tri - looks like you understand the situation

That is what i have been doing up until now, but just feel like 9months on i should have gotten over it and i get frustrated at myself for making it an issue yet again.

Im also somebody who doesnt like to open up about these kind of things unless absolutely neccesary, i would rather just live my life and get on with it, without wrecking my friends heads about something that to them, was my own decision for taking him back and also a long time ago. It still just seems fresh in my mind and not as easy to just let go as i had hoped. Im aware itll eventually drive him away if i dont, i just dont know how to let it go.

Wurly

Azureus wrote: »

Im also somebody who doesnt like to open up about these kind of things unless absolutely neccesary, i would rather just live my life and get on with it, without wrecking my friends heads about something that to them, was my own decision for taking him back and also a long time ago. It still just seems fresh in my mind and not as easy to just let go as i had hoped. Im aware itll eventually drive him away if i dont, i just dont know how to let it go.

Hmm, that doesn't seem to be working though OP. Suppressing what's going on in your head has led you to not being able to get over it.

If you are worried about wrecking your friend's heads, then talk to your boyfriend and explain how hard you are finding this.

There is a difference between talking and nagging. I don't see you nagging tbh.

If he loves you and cares for you, he will want you to be happy. And that means you being able to get past this.

Perhaps if you both talked about it in depth, you could come up with a technique together for coming through this. Something that you may not have thought up by yourself. Sometimes its hard to think rationally when you're hurt and your head is muddled.

Talk to him - x.

Azureus

I do talk to him , and although there is never a solution, it always seems trivial afterwards, which is how i want to always feel . Its just that if i get stressed by things / see her / have it brought up by people in front of me i suddenly feel overwhelmed by doubt about him and our relatioship which really isnt fair because he has given me no other reason to feel like this. I dont ever take it out on him , but i do let him know what im thinking - luckily for me he understands why.
i just want to get to a point where it doesnt bother me anymore - cheating is something i couldnt physically do to someone i cared about, and the fact that he could go through with it sickens me, so sometimes i find it hard to deal with-even this far on. maybe i just need more time and more talking the ear off him!

Wurly

Azureus wrote: »

i just want to get to a point where it doesnt bother me anymore - cheating is something i couldnt physically do to someone i cared about, and the fact that he could go through with it sickens me

Okay, this has struck a chord with me. Do you feel that you have basically settled for second class treatment then? Cos you've just said that you wouldn't do it on him. So is it okay that he's done it on you?

Like I said, I could never get past something like this. Are you forcing yourself to get past it cos you love him etc?

Is it possible that you feel you deserve more? Maybe this is why you can't get past it. Maybe you know in your heart you deserve better.

It appears that you mind is in conflict. He treats you well in terms of doing things for you and listening to you etc. But he has betrayed you badly which is not treating you well. No wonder you're confused.

You gave it a shot and gave him another chance. It doesnt seem to be going away even though you have spoken to him about it.

Possibly time to move on? Having something done on you that you would never do to someone else is hard to get past. For me, I dont think it would be possible.

You're with the guy 10 months - right? This should be a happy, breezy time. Not filled with drama and hurt etc.

If you cant move on from what's happened, maybe you need to move on from him.

This will drive you mad otherwise.

Silverfish

Azureus wrote: »

cheating is something i couldnt physically do to someone i cared about, and the fact that he could go through with it sickens me,

I'm just going to comment on this bit here, as I think I have an idea...

Could it be that you are applying your relationship now onto when he cheated on you back then, one month in.... like, assuming the feelings you have for each other now are the same as they were back then, so this makes it harder?

Your feelings for each other (presumably!) are a lot, lot stronger now than they were back then, so it wasn't essentially as big a deal as it would be now.

Wurly

Silverfish wrote: »

I'm just going to comment on this bit here, as I think I have an idea...

Could it be that you are applying your relationship now onto when he cheated on you back then, one month in.... like, assuming the feelings you have for each other now are the same as they were back then, so this makes it harder?

Your feelings for each other (presumably!) are a lot, lot stronger now than they were back then, so it wasn't essentially as big a deal as it would be now.

That's a good point. Still, its getting the pictures out of the head etc thats hard. If she's anything like me, I don't see her getting past this really (sorry OP). Especially as she's spoken to the guy a lot about it and its still really raw.

Some people can forgive cheating and go on to have happy and trust filled relationships. Others just cant.

MagicMarker

Sorry to go against the grain here, but quite simply you shouldn't have taken him back at the time. You've wasted 9 months of your life for someone who didn't give a **** about you. If this hasn't gotten any easier for you in 9 months, then it never will, forget about him.

Azureus

Tri;
No its not that id settle for second class treatment at all-and ive made sure he knows that. I just decided seeing as it was his ex and not someone new, i know that there can be unresolved feelings there and he slipped up. everybody makes mistakes and it was early in the relationship-i should be able to forgive it because i can understand (to an extent) how it happpened. I just couldnt do it to anybody myself.

Silverfish;
Yep to be honest i think you probably hit the nail on the head with that one-its just hard to get my head around the fact that it happened, its over and things are different now. its fine most of the time and then just really hits me.

Magicmarker;
predictably i completely disagree with this one. first of all no relationship is a waste-live and learn i guess and regardless of the irritating drama, we have had / have great times together!
why do you say he doesnt give a **** when ive already clearly stated thats hes been nothing but loyal and understanding since i decided to take him back? surely a guy wuld have got bored and walked away from this by now, just as i would have if i didnt care so much. Its gotten a lot easier, i just want it not to be an issue anymore.

Silverfish

Azureus wrote: »

Silverfish;
Yep to be honest i think you probably hit the nail on the head with that one-its just hard to get my head around the fact that it happened, its over and things are different now. its fine most of the time and then just really hits me.
.

Of course. It'd wreck my head, the exact same as it's doing to you.

It sounds to me like you both just had different ideas at the start of your relationship - maybe he thought you didn't like him as much as he liked you, or the other way around, but it took that to show him that you really liked him as you were hurt by it, and he really liked you, because he didn't want you to be hurt by it, and regretted it.
And at one month in, you barely know the other person, in a relationship sense.


I'd think of it as, you broke up and got back together since it happened. So, technically, it happened before he was going out with you. You have to believe you're getting over it, as otherwise, it'll overwhelm you. Each time you get set back, you'll be annoyed that you got set back, and it will spiral.

Wurly

The second class treatment im referring to is the cheating.

You couldnt do it on him but yet he could do it on you.

I can see why you're not over it.

I'm not sure what else to say OP, sorry.

Good luck and I hope whatever you decide works out for you.

RedXIV

Gonna throw in my two cents here,

I've never been cheated on or cheated on someone so the idea of what your going through is a bit difficult to grasp, but if 9 months on, you still have to do something like stop in mid-sex, chances are this isn't going to get any better.

I know you said he's done nothing since to make you feel bad but it could simply be the way you think that once you've been cheated on, you simply won't be able to get over it. How long did you expect your healing time to be before everything went back to the way it was? few weeks? months? years?

Now this may be wrong, you might actually eventually get over this but i'm going with my gut here that unless you learn to forgive and forget this, you're just going to end up miserable.

MagicMarker

Azureus wrote: »

Magicmarker;
predictably i completely disagree with this one. first of all no relationship is a waste-live and learn i guess

How profound...

Azureus wrote: »

why do you say he doesnt give a **** when ive already clearly stated thats hes been nothing but loyal and understanding since i decided to take him back? surely a guy wuld have got bored and walked away from this by now, just as i would have if i didnt care so much. Its gotten a lot easier, i just want it not to be an issue anymore.

So he's been loyal to you........ since he cheated? I see.

First off, how can you be sure he hasn't done it again? How could you possibly trust him? I sure as hell wouldn't trust anyone who did that to me.

Put it this way, you can either choose to just over this, or you can continue to bring it up during sex for as long as you want, until he gets sick and tired of you contstantly bringing it up and dumps you first, and don't think he won't because a man can only put up with soo much crap until he breaks. But i guess that's ok, because you'll ''live and learn''.