Selfish

LegacyUser

Both of my parents passed away within 7 months of each other , I am 24 (guy)and now live at home alone. I have dealt with the passings with relative ease to be honest until recently.

My mother only went little under 2 months ago and I must admit the past 3 weeks have been torture....NOT because I do not have them anymore but because I have come to realise how selfish and cold hearted my "mates" are.....they were all there at the time but to cut a long story short most of them (apart from 1 ) have not been there for me whatsoever the past month and not only that but they do not seem to be talking to me now either - why? Because Im "alright now ain't I" - I have told one or two of them I have been through the mill the past few weeks but do you think they acknowledged any of it or have they been getting in touch with me to see how i am and whats up? ....unfortunatly not

Thing is this is kinda what they would have done before it all happened - and now at the hardest part they just genuinely dont seem to care - They're all considered "nice lads" down to earth etc but my god I have been feeling as though my life has fallen apart over this - - - - it would be so much easier if they returned calls/texts or took any sort of interest - ESPECIALLY as they now know I have been having it rough lately and its not becuase they dont know what to say its because they cant be bothered


Im upset about it all - I just cant get my head around how they could be like this , knowing how depressed I must be .. I'd never have dreamt they would be like this and have no idea why either

assholes!

Nevyn

It sounds like they are young and have no idea what you are going through and don't know what to do or say.

AARRRGH

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

It's probably depressing them too so they want as little as possible to do with it. I agree it's not very nice of them.

However, it would probably be healthier if you didn't rely on other people's attention so much. Most people are quite selfish so you might be better off not expecting so much from those around you.

Just my opinion. I might be wrong.

RedXIV

First off, i'm sorry for your losses.

However, i think you're being a bit harsh on your friends. OK, maybe they could be bahaving better but in your timeline, they gave you a month of attention. For any guy, thats alot of effort. If your friends were all girls, i'm sure they'd all be more in tune with the emotional side of things that is probably eating you up, but they probably all have lives and problems of their own too.

I'm not trying to take away from your problem, but i think an outside view here is important so you don't end up lashing out at these friends who you believe deserted you

Miss Fluff

Very sorry about your folks passing OP, it must be so difficult for you. Do you have any siblings you can talk to about the way you are feeling? I think that its important to remember that people are not mind readers and lets be honest, young lads can be a bit slow on the emotional uptake at times too. TELL them how you are feeling, and by that I mean contact them and tell them that you need them right now, that you need their support.

You may also might think of having some bereavement councelling. It's possible too that your anger right now could be a manifestation of grief. Not in any way underestimating the reality of your feelings right now but talking to an outsider may be of tremendous benefit to you at this difficult time.

http://www.rip.ie/menu.asp?menu=306

I wish you the very best OP, and hope that things improve for you.:)

LegacyUser

I have utmost empathy to your situation.

I agree with the first post exactly.

This is life, and at a younge age people are out there trying to make a life for themselves. The cold fact of this is, they are on the selfish side, we are all. I would even put myself into that category. But if I were in similar situation and my friends folks died i'd be there for them all the way. But the fact is when your young, they don't want to get cot up in it all. When you've fully matured and settled down people become more understanding and sympathetic.

The most important thing is for you to get on with your life and friends will come back to you. In fact people will admire you greatly since you've come by far in dealing with life crisis like this rather early in life. People will feel for that. But sitting here wondering and wishing for more support is not going to do you any favours.

well that's my take on it.

sorry to hear of your troubles. Remember death is only transition, not the end nor beginning. death of someone close to you, can even trasform your life beyond realisation. it makes life more precious and worth challenging. No matter what you believe in with death, it does pushes you to realise that you are given a time peroid, and in that time you gotta make your life good or for worse! the cycle ended and begins again with you. There is no point wasting your energy on other people's view's on your life. hope this can make sense. i would elaborate but don't have the time. so good luck.

Carrigart Exile

Unregreal wrote: »

Both of my parents passed away within 7 months of each other , I am 24 (guy)and now live at home alone. I have dealt with the passings with relative ease to be honest until recently.

My mother only went little under 2 months ago and I must admit the past 3 weeks have been torture....NOT because I do not have them anymore but because I have come to realise how selfish and cold hearted my "mates" are.....they were all there at the time but to cut a long story short most of them (apart from 1 ) have not been there for me whatsoever the past month and not only that but they do not seem to be talking to me now either - why? Because Im "alright now ain't I" - I have told one or two of them I have been through the mill the past few weeks but do you think they acknowledged any of it or have they been getting in touch with me to see how i am and whats up? ....unfortunatly not

Thing is this is kinda what they would have done before it all happened - and now at the hardest part they just genuinely dont seem to care - They're all considered "nice lads" down to earth etc but my god I have been feeling as though my life has fallen apart over this - - - - it would be so much easier if they returned calls/texts or took any sort of interest - ESPECIALLY as they now know I have been having it rough lately and its not becuase they dont know what to say its because they cant be bothered


Im upset about it all - I just cant get my head around how they could be like this , knowing how depressed I must be .. I'd never have dreamt they would be like this and have no idea why either

assholes!

You say you have dealt with it with relative ease until very recently, how do your mates know things have changed, have you told them.

WindSock

That is sad news to hear both your folks passed away very recently. It is hard enough to deal with one loss, but two must be very difficult. I had a similar problem with one of my friends when my Dad was dying/died. She suddenly stopped calling me/didn't reply to my texts and didn't invite me out, whereas before we went out almost evey weekend. This made me very angry at the time, as I didn't want to be treated any differently I just wanted my mates to be my mates. But some people are funny (peculiar) around death. They don't know how to act until they experience a close loss themselves. Perhaps some of your friends are thinking you may need some space? You may not feel like you need the space yourself, but often people don't realise that after things have calmed down with the funeral over, that's when things get their hardest. My advice would be to try and talk to other people who have experienced losses of their own.

Galmay

Hi there, firstly sorry to hear of your loss. Its a real kick in the teeth especially when still young.Im 24 lost my mother last year to terminal cancer.

Truthfully, your friends do care, but are so inexperienced and uncomfortable dealing with death they dont know how to talk to/approach you and are afraid of upsetting you by bringing up the subject of how u are coping, or by saying something stupid. Also, they do not realise that grief and loss is an ongoing experience and doesnt come to an end after the months mind. Basically they are lucky enough not to comprehend the death of a parent and what a big deal it is

I had it out with a few of my friends after a couple of months of being avoided and "handled with care". The above is what i took from what they said. I told them not to be afraid to ask how i am, that i prefer that they do. And they did, mostly i gave them the short answer, "fine", occasionally the long one, and after that my loss was no longer the elephant in the room anytime we met up.

I know it might seem like you have enough to deal with rather than making your friends feel more comfortable but Im afraid they know no better. Lucky Basta*ds!!

LegacyUser

hi op,so sorry to hear of the loss of your parents and well done for keeping so strong-at least you know you can rely on yourself...

strangely enough i lost both my grandparents in a short space of time 2 years ago...and they had rared me alot of my life,they were my parents to me as i never grew up with my dad and my mum moved away when i was young...

after my gran went i thought my friends would be there for me too exactly as you said and i was really upset no one was texting me or contacting me to see if i was ok... i really felt it high lighted who was my close friends and who wasnt...

i think it is normal to feel the way you do-and maybe because your situation is so traumatic it pushes people away because it is too much for people to comprehend-awful i know but i dont think that people love you any the less but just cant cope with the reality of your situation....

i think going through this situation will force you to grow up fast and you may find that you will attract new people into your life,and maybe it is a wake up call to assess what kind of people yopu do want in your life....

god i dont feel i am being very helpful,but i just want to share that there are difficult times in life and berevement usually takes about 2 yrs till you feel you are coming back down to earth,so get all the support you can and be really kind to yourself for the next few years...
come back here anytime you need to talk xxx love,light,peace and happiness to you xxxx

Captain Ginger

Well, in all honesty I am shocked at your friends.

It's been five years since one of my best mates father passed away, and even now I still go over and open a bottle of wine with him and listen to how much he misses his father and when he is down I try to cheer him up and I know at least one of his other friends does the same.

Having said that, at first I had no idea what to say or do. When you haven't lost someone close you can't understand how to deal with it and they might be at the stage where they don't know if they would be intruding if they ask you out to talk about it or whatever.

It's a tricky situation indeed.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss with, and best of luck with it.

LegacyUser

I totally understand where you're coming from I lost both my parents when i was under 25. Its a hard thing to deal with and I think people that have not been thru it find it hard to understand. For me the hardest thing was that people seemed to put a "time limit" on grieving. They don't seem to understand that it kinda hits you in waves (not sure if that makes sense)

Take the time to actually explain how you're feeling.... As another person said maybe they they don't realise you're struggling.