Parental Child abuse

LegacyUser

long story but here is the short version

younger sibling(youngest in family, now 25) recently told myself and other siblings that she was abused at an early age right through teenage years by our father.
I belive her but one of my silbings isn't sure.
She said she is getting counseling which is good for her but she doesn't want to confront my father or tell me mother (thinks she knew but did nothing)

thing is my parents will be staying in my house at the end of july for two weeks and I don't really want my father there as I have young children who are now of the age when the abuse of sibling started.

what to do? My sibling doesn't want me to say anything and just let them visit ?

ideas?

rohe

god op you are in a horrible situation

if it was me personally and if i wasnt comfortable with my parents staying i would make an excuse so they couldnt come and stay

after all your kids come first and if you have any doubts about whether he did abuse your sister i wouldnt allow him in my house

i know its not great advice but i if i had the slightest inkling that your dad do this, i wouldnt have him near your kids

Best of luck

MagicMarker

Just cancel whatever is happening in July, seriously even the stupidest excuse is worth it compared to your childrens safety...

Have you discussed with your sibling regarding where to go from here? Because you probably can't just make up excuses for the rest of your life.

Pigletlover

You have to cancel their visit, you might feel like you're letting your mother down but you have to put your children first.

Call Me Jimmy

SickToMyCore wrote: »

long story but here is the short version

younger sibling(youngest in family, now 25) recently told myself and other siblings that she was abused at an early age right through teenage years by our father.
I belive her but one of my silbings isn't sure.
She said she is getting counseling which is good for her but she doesn't want to confront my father or tell me mother (thinks she knew but did nothing)

thing is my parents will be staying in my house at the end of july for two weeks and I don't really want my father there as I have young children who are now of the age when the abuse of sibling started.

what to do? My sibling doesn't want me to say anything and just let them visit ?

ideas?

You say you believe your sibling so what choice is there? There is none at all as far as I can see. Make some excuse so they can't stay if you don't want to confront them.

Quality

Oh god that is horrible,

I think you need to put your childrens safety first.

That means keeping them away from your father.

You know what you have to do OP, And you dont need to feel guilty.

I presume if your OH knows about this he will back you up the whole way..

suzy5978

i have serious questions about my own father,can remember very shady things happening from years ago.i wouldnt leave my daughter alone with him.i dont know if anything did happen,i have questiond my mam and brother to see if they had any inkling and my mam said she had a feeling something wasnt right.i dont know for sure or just dont want to believe it but i definatley wouldnt leave her with my dad.i dont think you should until you find out the full story.90% of children abused are abused by people they loved and trusted-close family members or family friends.

matrim

could you consider letting your parents come, but having the kids stay in a friends for the time?

nacho libre

would she be ill-advised to confront her father and warn him if he dares to try anything with her children she will cut him off for good and inform her mother about why she is doing it. the reason i advocate this position is this is going to arise again so it has to be dealt with at some point and this way he surely won't try anything else. it also hopefully saves her mother from having her world turned upside down.

RedXIV

Not a nice situation OP but i think you've got your answer, cancel this visit.

Until you can be definite either way, i wouldn't advise contact with your father which may sound harsh but that way you know for sure you're kids are safe.

They are your paramount concern and they should be put ahead of everything else.

You will however probably need to confront your father about this at some stage, if you ever want to justify the "no-visit" rule

Miss Fluff

I think it's an absolute given that your father can't come to stay. He is <snip>NOT FOR US TO SAY</snip> so protecting your children at all costs should be of absolute importance to you. <snip></snip> Under no circumstances should he have any opportunity to be alone with them for a moment. Have you discussed this with your wife? I think you should also have this conversation with your siblings if they have any children. How would you feel in a few years time if you hear he has done this again to some poor innocent child and you could have done something to prevent it? Like I say OP, I do apologise for the harsh tone, it must be absolutely devestating for you and your family, but hesimply cannot be allowed to be on his own with any kids. Ever.

adam.number3

Unlikely that your sibling would make it up... unless she is a loooper. Would have been pretty hard for her to tell you, I would have thought. Excuse coming up with time methinks.

TheWitch06

I know how you feel, I recently found out my Dad did the same thing to my oldest sister. You really cannot risk anything and let your Father be near your kids. Sort something out, I know your sister said not to say anything to anyone about what happened but just make an excuse, anything! Just do it for your kids. Good luck with it.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Question to throw to the group: how will OP deal with furture family gettogethers...? "Any" excuse will work for this event, but at some point, the long term future's going to have to be addressed.

Especially if.when the kids turn around in a year or two and ask innocently where's grandad?

jimmycrackcorm

I remember reading an article where it stated that in cases of parental abuse, there was a > 80% chance that more than one child was being abused. Op, why is one of your other siblings unsure?

davyjose

OP, why, after hearing that your father abused your sibling AND your mother stood idly by, would you even consider their feelings? Just cancel and look after your own family.

LegacyUser

I would explore why you immediately believed your sister. How many siblings are there and does anyone else have any 'encounters' ? The reason I ask is that my eldest sister declared about 10 years (27 at the time), that our father abused her. There is 7 in our family, 3 girls and none of the rest had any such experiences. She would not discuss any details with anyone apart from the accusations (and the accusation that my mother knew) i.e. when ,where , what age etc She said it was part of her counselling to put it behind her and not discuss it which we thought was odd. She made the accusation and then said she was leaving it at that. She popped home for the weekend and left immediately after dropping this bombshell.
The rest of us found this to be a horrendous thought and were not prepared to accept that if our father had abused her that he should be left off the hook but if he hadn't, he shouldn't have such an accusation hanging over him.
We discreetly investigated the counselling/therapy she was undergoing and found that she had visited all sorts of 'practioneers' and pinpointed one in particular that indulged in "Recovered Memories" that tied in with when the accusation started.
This is a technique where the physchatrist (or life guru etc!) starts with the premise that whatever problems you have in your adult life emanate from being sexually abused as a child. The therapy then explores your childhood,possibly even back to when you were a baby to find out when and who abused you. She was encouraged to write down the memories that were drawn out and she was writing day and night. One of my brothers managed to steal a number of the books of memories and they were quite fantastic in what was written. Suffice to say if you believed them, she was also abused by at least 10 people through various stages of her life including 2 brothers, the family doctor, a teacher, a female colleague at work ...it goes on and that was only a fraction of her written memories.
It may have been underhand but it extinguished any doubts we had about my father - also she never returns home now and keeps her distance from the family so if we had not done our own investigations we would have been none the wiser. We have never been able to confront her properly as she will say "you are in denial" and leave and has never discussed the matter with any of us.
So the caution I offer is don't jump in with both feet without checking out her story thoroughly. I have kids of my own and am able to leave them with my father 100% worry free because we didn't just take her word.

LegacyUser

Don't let this man near your kids. I was abused by my dads dad when a child, and when there's a will, there is a way. Don't let even the possibility of it happen. Think of how you would feel if it came out in the future that this happened to your children, or if they find out in the future that you knew he was an abuser, and yet you still let him into your home.
It is, I know a very, very difficult situation. It would be devastating for your mother to find out, and it must be unimaginably difficult for your sister on so many levels.
My advice is to you, never, ever, if you can prevent it, do not let it happen, just don't. One of the most painful things about abuse, is the sense of betrayal, towards the person that was supposed to protect you, whether they were the ones that abused you or not. Do not let your children down.

chuci

op make an excuse this time for them not to visit as you cant be 100% sure of what going on. be safe rather than sorry. your sibling doesnt want this to come out why? and why didnt your other sibling believe her? you have to either ask you sibling to tell them or you will have to do it yourself as you cant go avoiding family get together's etc. forever.

DublinWriter

SickToMyCore wrote: »

what to do? My sibling doesn't want me to say anything and just let them visit ?

OP - I really would ignore some of the ranting and gibbering 'hang the paedo' type-responses to your post on here and try and remain as objective as you can about the situation, no matter how hard it seems.

For starters, I'd say your sibling placed you in a near impossible and very unfair situation. She's leveled some pretty severe accusations against your father but doesn't want to follow through or appear to be held accountable for her claims.

You say your sister stated she went for counseling sessions over this issue. I, for one, would ask that I could arrange a session with her and her counselor so you can at least validate for yourself her accusations through a neutral third-party.

That aside, I would also check the bona-fides of her counselor. Unlike other medical professions such as medicine or dentistry, anyone could hang shingles outside their house in the morning and set up shop as a counselor in this country. Horror stories abound about unqualified counselors utilising a technique known as 'false memory syndrome' for their own benefits.

I hope it all works out for you.

Dudess

Yeah I agree with DublinWriter. At the same time, don't leave the kids out of your sight when your folks visit. He may not do anything but that's too much of a gamble.

oil painting

if she has only come out with the abuse and is not ready to confront your parents she may feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment....

but by telling you she has now brought you into the situation,even if she cant confront your parents you still need to do something about this...there are two times in therapy when a therapist can break confidence-one is if a persons is at risk from sucide and the other is if someone is being abused-like if a children are in harms way....

dealing with sexual abuse in a family needs alot of help and support... therapy is the best way to work through some of the issues.... your fathers actions and your mothers blind eye to it has had massive consequences on your families balance,they have to be responsible for their actions here and there is the fact that what your father has done is against the law...

i think you need to confront them both and you can say that they cannot come and stay until this situation is investigated,anyone who has issued a complaint of sexual abuse should be taken seriously and investigated... your sister will be needing some support at this time as she will be feeling really hurt at being abused and having to carry this secret for so long would have had a massive impact on her life...

it is a very difficult time for your family but abuse only survives in silence... break the silence and get the truth out in the open.......

also just wondering if your father is the one who wanted to come and stay with you-would there be a chance he might have already done anything to your children... this is also another reason it needs to be dealt with because he may do it again and needs help???

LegacyUser

Make sure you know the facts first OP. My sister came out with the exact same story a few years back and we believed her (assuming, why the hell would anybody say that unless it were true?) Well, turned out she was telling sick attention-seeking lies, and our having believed her and stuck by her tore our family apart. She admitted the lies in the end, but too late.

One thing I think should have tipped us off was that she was the youngest of three girls. Surely if our father was a perv the elder two girls, that is myself and our other sister, would have also been abused? We never asked ourselves that, and we'll never stop regretting it. I would advise your family to be asking yourselves those sort of questions.

dudara

I want to warn posters on this thread about hastiness and quickly labelling the OP's father. We do not know the circumstances, and we are not judge and jury. Accusing someone of such offenses is incredibly serious, and can truly damage the life of someone wrongly accused. Therefore, I ask you to refrain and stick to offering the OP some helpful advice.

dudara

LegacyUser

sorry for the delay in not replying no pc access this week.

Thanks for all the comments but I still haven't though of an excuse!

Someone posted about the dream therapy thing well my sibling won't tell tell us the name of the counsiler and I suppose that is why my other sibling is doesn't really believe her in case it is all made up.

I suppose what no one understands is what my sibling won't confront my parents or at least report the abuse.
Basically my sibling has opened the door on a big mess then ran away and left me to deal with it. My sibling has no children and no longer meets my parents and I am currently the only sibling with children.

help!

MagicMarker

SickToMyCore wrote: »

sorry for the delay in not replying no pc access this week.

Thanks for all the comments but I still haven't though of an excuse!

Someone posted about the dream therapy thing well my sibling won't tell tell us the name of the counsiler and I suppose that is why my other sibling is doesn't really believe her in case it is all made up.

I suppose what no one understands is what my sibling won't confront my parents or at least report the abuse.
Basically my sibling has opened the door on a big mess then ran away and left me to deal with it. My sibling has no children and no longer meets my parents and I am currently the only sibling with children.

help!

Quite frankly, if a sibling of mine told me this, then i would help them in any way i can. But they would HAVE to be co-operative with me also.

The fact that your sibling won't even tell you the name of their therapist, someone who by law is prevented from passing on information, then that would ring alarm bells straight away. I would also have doubts if i were you.

I would tell your sibling that if she wants help, then she'll have to help you, you can't possibly take her word for it on this one.

MJOR

MagicMarker wrote: »

Quite frankly, if a sibling of mine told me this, then i would help them in any way i can. But they would HAVE to be co-operative with me also.

The fact that your sibling won't even tell you the name of their therapist, someone who by law is prevented from passing on information, then that would ring alarm bells straight away. I would also have doubts if i were you.

I would tell your sibling that if she wants help, then she'll have to help you, you can't possibly take her word for it on this one.

totally agree might be worth cancelling the visit to buy you some time....

LegacyUser

sorry to say this because i know it is a sensitive overwhelming time-but its not your sisters fault she was abused,maybe she told you to protect your kids from it happening again,and although it is extremly difficult to hear i think it is best that you know,just because she ousted the abuse doesnt mean it is her responsibility to fix it,after all your dad caused the issue, i think it now raises questions for each sibling because even though all were not abused they stil have relationships with their parents to work through... im saying this because my sister was abused also by my father and i confronted my parents on it while my sister couldnt because she was so emotionally wreaked... can you imagine having to cope with being abused and then having a family who dont fully believe you, to be honest when my sister told me i knew straight away it was true... and i remembered moments myself where my dad had crossed the line,and my other sisters said the same,maybe you dont need to go to her therapist to find the truth-why dont you ask your father and your mother?she has been through enough,is she the kind of person to make something like this up? why would she?

Maybe you could ask your mum-if your sister said she knew then she will be able to respond to that.... when this happened to my sister i felt that she was the victim and my dad the abuser,and it should be treated justly....