Doesn't seem fair!

LegacyUser

Sorry to post so late and seem so whiney and stupid but I really need outside views here. I can't stop crying lately, everything is going wrong. I broke up with my boyfriend last year and since then everything's gone bad. I'm supposed to be going to a really special party this bank holiday and I bought my clothes for it today. I was looking forward to going until I heard that all the gang I hang around with invited their other halves. I decided it was best for me not to go as it would just turn into a really lonely night for me and I can't stick feeling so bad anymore so try avoid situations that I know will make me feel isolated and horrible. So I thanked the host and told them that I wouldn't be going. Anyway then I was told that all those couples wouldn't be going and that it was strictly invite only (and the other halves weren't invited as the venue is very small). So I decided to go and as I said bought my clothes and also a gift for the host. Then tonight I find out that the host is allowing all the gang to bring their other halves so I asked if it's okay that I bring a friend so I'm not going to look pathetic and the host told me that I wasn't allowed to bring a friend as it is only the boyfriends and girlfriends of the people invited who can come. I just think this is really unfair. I already feel lonely as it is, the thought of spending the whole weekend someplace miles away from my house and with loads of couples is making me feel sick. At least if I brought my friend I wouldn't feel like such a sap at night time when everyones going to bed and I'm left on my own. The venue is in the middle of nowhere and the rooms that are booked are really old and cold looking, it'd be fun with a group of us but now that it's all couples I know everyone will be paired up and I'll be a problem for them. It's very embarrassing. How can I explain at the last minute that I don't want to go anymore? I'd love to go for the weekend away but I know I'll feel miserable if I do go. Please help, I can't stop crying tonight and I don't know what's wrong with me

Victor

You are upset and thats the immediate cause of the crying. However there just might be something more substantial. Would you like to talk to someone about things?

So what are the chances of having a boyfriend inside 48 hours?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

The only party I ever went to where you HAD to bring a partner was.... no, let's not go there.

Why would you feel a "sap" for being single? Where's all this pressure coming from? My God, girl, it's party! You're supposed to chilling out! Not worrying about what you friends (and if they ARE friends, it won;t bother them a bit that you're on your own) think of you!

That said, I will say the host is being a bit serious. She'll be expecting tuxedos next. Give her a call, explain your insecurties (sorry, but that's what they are) and point out that you are only bringing ONE friend and ask her to bend the rules a bit. If she's unwilling to be flexible in preparing an event which is supposed to be relaxed anyway, then chances are it's going to be **** party anyway.

ShoulderChip

you could go in fancy dress and make a joke yourself, no one will notice then.

bronte

I'm sorry you're feeling this way hun.
If other couples are going, I'd ask the host again if it was okay to bring a pal.
If not then maybe they're being a bit funny.
It seems like it's couples only which is really strange!
God, everyone is single at various points in their life.
I wouldn't go to a party if there was a rule that I had to have a boyfriend!

aidan24326

feelsosad wrote: »

so I asked if it's okay that I bring a friend so I'm not going to look pathetic and the host told me that I wasn't allowed to bring a friend as it is only the boyfriends and girlfriends of the people invited who can come. I just think this is really unfair(

It's worse than unfair, it's stupid and unnecessary. Why in the hell would it be bfs and gfs only? It's ok for you to go alone but not if you bring a friend?

It all sounds a bit stuffy, like some kind of smug couples get together. In view of that perhaps you're better off not going. If the host won't even allow you bring a friend then I'd say she can stick her party, that would be how I'd see it. You shouldn't be made to feel awkward for being single and a real friend would not do that.

seahorse

I'm sorry, but ffs, is this the biggest problem you have???

If so, get it together; ffs!!!!!

LegacyUser

Victor, I know that it's not just the party that's the problem. I know I need to deal with stuff and I'm trying but events where I dont really belong to anybody there like all the others do makes me feels very bad. I'm going to look stupid. And Ikky, you're right, it is insecurity, I realise that's the problem and that I regret what happened in the past. But knowing this doesn't make me feel any better. I know I have as much right to go as everyone else but I don't feel it. I really think I'll be miserable there. The night time will be horrible and the people there who I don't know will think I'm weird coz even the other single people all know eachother so they wont be alone. Everyone I know is part of a couple.
ShoulderChip that's a clever idea but I think it'll only make more people notice me.
Thank you Bronte, I know it's stupid so do I go? Or stay away?

I know that the party will be fun, the venue is deadly and the special guests are brilliant but I know I'm just gona feel lonely at night and I won't be able to hide it and pretend I'm having fun. It's HORRIBLE being the third wheel. HORRIBLE!!!!!!!! And I'm gona stick out and be the outsider there. I think there's only about 5 single people altogether and they all know eachother. I'm the only one from my group. And I know I won't be asked to share a room with the random singletons which means I'll most likely be on my own.

RedXIV

feelsosad wrote: »

I think there's only about 5 single people altogether and they all know eachother. I'm the only one from my group. And I know I won't be asked to share a room with the random singletons which means I'll most likely be on my own.

Ok lass, you may not follow this advice and i don't blame you if you don't want to but if i was in your situation, i'd be looking at the prospects of the above 5 single people. you have an opportunity to make friends here (maybe more?) and you shouldn't let fear of looking alone scare you. If you go out feeling awkward, this is probably how you will appear. go out feeling happy and confident, and yup, this is how you'll appear. I hope you don't let this minor issue ruin your weekend, it is easily fixed

Dudess

Then don't go. Simple. You've already made up your mind you're gonna have a bad time so you will have a bad time. As for feeling so inadequate about being single: most people don't give a sh1t about others being single, some saddos do but if you're quite happy to cave in to such notions against single people by deciding you'll look "stupid" and "weird" and a "sap" and "a problem" (for not being in a couple - whatever) then that's your prerogative.
Why not just stop going out all together? You might meet couples - you don't want that.
I agree the host has been rather fickle, but the real problem is your astounding negativity and lack of confidence. The way you're imagining all these scenarios when the party hasn't even taken place yet - how the hell are you coming to such conclusions? You don't know the five single people so that's it, you're doomed. What about getting to know them? That's what everyone else does. What about making some bit of an effort? Your post is just "me me me, I I I" - you're extraordinarily self obsessed. The world doesn't revolve around you, people won't be that hung up on just your circumstances - in fact you probably won't even enter their heads.

You need to face the reality that happiness doesn't just come to you, you have to make some bit of an effort. And you have to stop wallowing in your singledom - avoiding nights out because you're single? That's absolutely ridiculous. I can't emphasise how bad your way of dealing with things is. Everyone faces loneliness from a break-up at least once in their lives and the way to deal with it is to get out there and DO things.
You also need to get this idea out of your head that having an other half somehow validates you as a person, try having faith in yourself as a person for a change.

McGinty

You need to face the reality that happiness doesn't just come to you, you have to make some bit of an effort. And you have to stop wallowing in your singledom - avoiding nights out because you're single? That's absolutely ridiculous. I can't emphasise how bad your way of dealing with things is. Everyone faces loneliness from a break-up at least once in their lives and the way to deal with it is to get out there and DO things.

Hi Op

I was in a similar situation to yourself in a sense, I was invited to a wedding and my friend couldn't make it, so I had to go alone, yes I felt self conscious at first, like a spare wheel, but here is the mad thing. It was one of the best days/night out I ever had, I had an absolute ball, I spoke to people, I was free to mix and mingle, I met loads of interesting people, was able to flirt away (had two guys vying for my attention that night) it was all so unexpected and fun. The thing is Dudess makes a really valid point, you do have to make an effort. I decided that day to talk to people and ask can I join you, yes the sweat poured down my arms, yes my friend's (who was getting married) sister looked at me like I was an oddball, but I forced myself to brush aside the negativity and have a good time and I did. I suggest you change your mindframe and visualise yourself having a good time and feeling confident. When I went to the wedding, I knew two people, the bride and bridegroom and they were busy getting married so I had to get on with it. I hope you enjoy the party and have fun with it. Singledom can be a great learning time as well. I was single for over four years and yes I was lonely, etc, but I can see it was a huge learning time and I did a huge amount of self development that no relationship can ever take away from me now. I learned that I can complete myself (excuse the cheesiness of that expression) and ironically love comes your way when that happens.

Dudess

McGinty wrote: »

my friend's (who was getting married) sister looked at me like I was an oddball

:rolleyes: - there's always one moron like that. But such morons are in the minority - the overwhelming minority - so OP, instead of feeling like you have to meet with their approval, why not act as if to say "f*ck you" to them instead? I certainly wouldn't want to be caving in to people who are as narrowminded as that... Most people won't give a hoot that you're single, in fact I don't know if they'd even notice to be honest. I was at a wedding recently and I honestly couldn't have told whether all the new people I was introduced to were single are paired up. And I forgot a lot of them 30 seconds later anyway...

Alicat

+1 Dudess

Strong words, but absolutely right.

The OP is stuck in some sort of rut where she believes she is regarded as less of a person just because she doesnt have a man on her arm. I'd rather be single than go out with some sh*t of a guy just for someone to go with to parties!

OP, I think you really need to lose that negativity. You need to go out and have fun. Yes, you'll be going to bed by yourself, but if you put some effort in and have a good time at the party then you'll probably be wrecked and conk out anyway, leaving no time to fret about being lonely

Ali

econ08

OP, you broke up with your boyfriend last year. You've had quite a bit of time to recover from that. You are obviously still very upset. If you are crying everyday for two weeks and and you feel your distress is interfering with your daily living then you should see a doctor.

LegacyUser

OP I know it is really tough being the single person in a group of couples (only single female at a wedding once!) but you said some of your friends are going. Even if they are in couples, they are not going to be glued to one another all night.

Your observation

" it'd be fun with a group of us but now that it's all couples I know everyone will be paired up and I'll be a problem for them"

is bizarre. When people are your friends, they don't find your single status a problem, they ensure you are included.

Yes, there will be the awkward moment at the end of the night when the couples head off to bed. But who's to say that one or more of the single people you don't know turns out to be great craic/a potential new friend/the man or woman of your dreams. Plus the other halves of couples you don't know might have a single friend that they could introduce you to in the future.

Take a chance, look at this party as a chance to meet some people. You seem to want to find another person to spend time with, and that won't happen sitting at home - take it from me that is just going to accentuate your misery. Most importantly, you have to be happy with yourself first rather than expecting someone else to make you happy. Being in a relationship has as many ups and downs as being single

Dudess

It's not intended to hurt you OP, but sometimes the harsher approach is the more beneficial one. I too have wallowed following a break-up and it was the good kick up the arse that paid far more dividends than the softly softly approach.

econ08

Alicat wrote: »

+1 Dudess

Strong words, but absolutely right.

The OP is stuck in some sort of rut where she believes she is regarded as less of a person just because she doesnt have a man on her arm. I'd rather be single than go out with some sh*t of a guy just for someone to go with to parties!

OP, I think you really need to lose that negativity. You need to go out and have fun. Yes, you'll be going to bed by yourself, but if you put some effort in and have a good time at the party then you'll probably be wrecked and conk out anyway, leaving no time to fret about being lonely

Ali

Ali the whole point about being stuck in a rut is that someone can't bring themselves out of it. Therefore I don't see how you can get all judgemental about it. Its possible the OP is experiencing a mild depressive episode. A visit to the GP would be a good idea.

Dudess

Nobody's being judgemental - sometimes we can choose to be in a rut. I was diagnosed with depression at 18 and was on and off antidepressants for years so I know the difference.

Hrududu

Am I missing something here? Do you mean when your friends bring their partners that they don't talk to you? Surely you will still hang out with all your friends like before or will every single one of them suddenly just speak to their partner all evening? There will be a big group of people there that you know.

MuPpItJoCkEy

Must say, this sounds like a strange party if you ask me and I don't really get the host not allowing you to bring a friend considering they're allowing everybody else to bring their partners and I don't really see the problem in one more person coming if it's going to make you happier.

As somebody mentioned, a party where only couples are allowed can be ment for some other kind of entertainment considering it's also in the middle of nowhere and if your not enjoying the party or feel uncomfortable that you just can't leave when you want to, why not do something else with your weekend and save your new clothes for another time.

There is also nothing wrong with being single. Millions of people around the country are single and I doubt you'll be single forever. It's better to wait and stumble across somebody worth going out with rather than throwing yourself at someone to make yourself fit into other peoples plans who in IMO are not worth it.

Alicat

econ08 wrote: »

Ali the whole point about being stuck in a rut is that someone can't bring themselves out of it. Therefore I don't see how you can get all judgemental about it. Its possible the OP is experiencing a mild depressive episode. A visit to the GP would be a good idea.

Yes, POSSIBLE, and that's your own opinion from the OP's posts, as was mine, both of which are guesses and assumptions.

You already gave your advice, that you think she should visit a G.P. I acknowledge your opinion but don't think its very appropriate for you to step all over mine.

And it is possible to bring oneself out of rut. It might not be in the OP's case but I dont either of us have the right, the knowledge or the qualifications to decide that for her. She asked for advice and opinions, and that's all we should be doing.


Edit: Thank you Dudess

chuci

op call the host if your that freaked out about being the only singleton at a party, tell them how your feeling and that you dont think its fair that you cant bring a friend but everyone else is allowed bring their other half, it a bit mad really. if you cant bring the friend then you can either decide not to go and wallow at home wondering what your missing. or you can go have a few glasses of wine to take the edge off and have a good night who knows one of the 5 singletons might be your cup of tea or at least you will make new friends. what about your friends that are going, will they not talk to you because their other half is with them? i dont think so and if they do they are not worth having. just go and you will have fun if you convince yourself you will.

IrishMike

chuci wrote: »

op call the host if your that freaked out about being the only singleton at a party, tell them how your feeling and that you dont think its fair that you cant bring a friend but everyone else is allowed bring their other half, it a bit mad really.

That is a ridiculous idea.
How about instead grow a backbone and get some self confidence and just socialise.
Sorry if im sounding harsh here but for crying out loud just because you
dont have a bf you cant go despite knowing loads of people at this party?
You will continue to be miserable as long as you have this attitude.

Dudess

Well in fairness, chuci did offer that as the second option.

OP, you say it's horrible being a third wheel. A third wheel describes someone who is out with one couple - where did you get the idea that that would apply to you at this particular party? Ok, maybe you're just using the term in a more general sense.
Look, you can be a third wheel if you choose to be one, or you can stop focusing on the fact that you're single and just believe in yourself.