Mum's lost all self-confidence, how can i help?

LegacyUser

Hey all,

I'm a 22 year-old guy about to finish college. I'm real worried about my mum for a number of reasons. It started with the death of her mum when she was 14. He dad got very depressed and alienated himself from the rest of his 6 kids (my mum included). My mum ended up having a pretty crap childhood, always trying to please her father who was extremely unaffectionate and rarely complimentary of my mum's dedication to him.

He died shortly after I was born and I guess she became a little happier with me just born and not having to worry about her father anymore.

Anyway skip forward 20-odd years and her best friend in the whole world whom she met in college, got cancer and died (I'll call her Mary). It really devastated her. My brother, sister and I had grown up with Mary's kids and had done everything together. School runs, summers camps you name it. So our families were really close. Once Mary died, my mum was totally bummed out but she still had us and my dad so she struggled on. Now, 3 years later she's doing much better but that wasn't the end of it for my mum.

My sister, around August two years ago, came home from summer holidays really thin and my mum started worrying. I actually posted here asking for advice about my sister back then. Anyway my mum never stopped worrying about her. Both of them went to counseling for a few months and while my sister still goes two years later, my mum stopped after a few months cause she was busy as we were moving to/building a new house. Probably a bad decision in hindsight but no point in dwelling on it!

All very complicated! Anyways my mum and my sister's relationship pretty much deteriorated into nothingness; my sister was moody/narky easily angered and would get pissed off over nothing really. My mum slowly became afraid of my sister and would be very cautious around her. Although this makes my sister sound like a total you-know-what but when i talked with her she was really upset for treating our mum like this and didn't know why she couldn't just be nice. It was like she was a different person, she said.

So that's how it was for the past year or so. Now, my sister's doing much better and gets along much better with my mum, although there is still very little affection between them, and conversation is pretty limited. We've finished moving into the new house so my mum's got that stress off her back at least. I'm going away for 6/7 months to travel and my sister's going abroad to study for a year so my mum's gonna be at home pretty much by herself for the guts of half a year. My little brother will be around but he'll be doing his own thing i guess.

Anyway I was wondering if you guys have any suggestions on how to get my mum back to her old self. What she needs really is something to commit to, to look forward to every week, things like that. Now that she's not got Mary around and the house is finished, as well as the fact that my sister and I won't be around, she's got nothing to focus on.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks and apologies for long post it just came out!

mike65

Hi you haven't mentioned your dad (since three years back), is he still around?

I don't have an answer, filling a void is not done quickly if at all. How much have you talked about this with your mother about this? There is always chance you are reading more into her state of mind than is the case.

If someone is around such as your brother (how old is he?) then that relationship will change as she focuses more on him and indeed him on her. Depending on your brothers character you may not think that but things will change for him too.

Mike.

MagicMarker

You're mother is old enough to take care of herself.

You need to live your own life.

LegacyUser

mike65 wrote: »

Hi you haven't mentioned your dad (since three years back), is he still around?

I don't have an answer, filling a void is not done quickly if at all. How much have you talked about this with your mother about this? There is always chance you are reading more into her state of mind than is the case.

If someone is around such as your brother (how old is he?) then that relationship will change as she focuses more on him and indeed him on her. Depending on your brothers character you may not think that but things will change for him too.

Mike.

Hey, yeah my Dad's still around he's doing what he can. I've talked with my mother quick a bit about this. It was she who told me she's lost a lot of confidence in herself. My brother's nearly 16 i'd say he'll keep her on the right track too though.

minidazzler

MagicMarker wrote: »

You're mother is old enough to take care of herself.

You need to live your own life.

Mammy is never old enough to take care of herself. (I do agree with the do your own thing bit though)

So OP, Worry about her but try not to dwell too much on it. Take her on a Day trip some day just you and her for the laugh...It might raise her spirits a little!!!

Beruthiel

Helpin_my_mum wrote: »

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Hi OP
I'm sorry your Ma has had such a rough time.
However, if she is not ready to sort her own life out, nothing you do will make her do so.
She still has her husband, it's his job to give her the odd nudge and to help her get on with life.
You are the child, it's not your job to try and sort out your parents problems. I understand that you may want to and you are a fantastic son for even wanting to try.
Speaking as a parent myself, I wouldn't want you pushing me on anything, but I would totally appreciate spending time with you over dinner or a drink, a movie, whatever.
So, give her your time, call her for a chat, that's as much as any parent needs for their child. With that kind of support from her family, she may eventually sum up the strength to get herself sorted.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Hi OP
I'm sorry your Ma has had such a rough time.
However, if she is not ready to sort her own life out, nothing you do will make her do so.
She still has her husband, it's his job to give her the odd nudge and to help her get on with life.
You are the child, it's not your job to try and sort out your parents problems. I understand that you may want to and you are a fantastic son for even wanting to try.
Speaking as a parent myself, I wouldn't want you pushing me on anything, but I would totally appreciate spending time with you over dinner or a drink, a movie, whatever.
So, give her your time, call her for a chat, that's as much as any parent needs for their child. With that kind of support from her family, she may eventually sum up the strength to get herself sorted.

Yeah that sounds reasonable! Thanks a lot.

chuci

just spend quality time with her before you head away, let her know you still love her and will miss her when your away. dont force her into anything she doesnt wan to do. its been a hard time does she visit her friends grave etc has she recovered from the loss of her friend, if not then maybe mention it to your dad that he could try to get her to talk to him more about it.