Where do I go from here...

LegacyUser

Okay there is me and my best friend. He knows everything about me. EVERYTHING. We are just friends though everyone thinks we're going out we're not and I'm going off on a tangent now coz this isn't what I meant to post about...

When I was a kid i was molested by one of my brothers. I blocked it out and generally forgot all about it until about 6 years ago and suffered a nervous breakdown because of it. But I got over it (well in as much as you can) moved away for a few years but this year ended up moving back home with the folks for a couple of months and it was like going through the whole thing again. In the same room, seeing him every day...sheesh! TV movie of the week kind of situation!

Anyway Its been a hard couple of months and my friend was worried so I told him all about it. He's the only one I've ever told (outside of the family) and he was amazing. Very supportive and everything I could have wanted from him. I've come through this again and I'm leaning towards the forgiveness, lets build bridges with my brother side of things as I cant avoid him and my family forever. But my friend is completely anti forgiveness. He supports me in what I want to do and will stand by me but he's very angry about the whole thing and basically wants to hurt my brother.

I have big family and they play a large part of my life. Its only a matter of time before they meet my friend and I'm terrified of what might happen. He plays such a huge part of my life that I want him included in all things that make me happy but this is insane because he wants to physically hurt my brother and doesn't understand how I can imagine forgiving him. I don't want him to be anything other than what he is and I never want him to have to pretend to be happy so thus far we've been avoiding my family stuff while going to his family stuff. (**** it really sounds like we're going out! We're not!) Both our families are large and play important roles for each of us. So its natural to want to share that with each other. But I'm not getting to do any of the sharing.
What do I do? He said he would grin and bear it but it would kill me to see him shaking hands with my brother when I know how much its hurting him. I guess its a time thing too. I've had a long time to deal with this and come to terms with it while it is all fresh and new for him.

Well I guess this was more of a rant than a questioning in the end. I'm just so frustrated by the limitations that have been placed over us and I dunno if I can ask him to do what he needs to do to meet my family. We've been best friends for such a long time but I haven't lived near my family until recently so this wasn't an issue before.
Sigh.

Wagon

It's your mate's problem. Besides you should just tell him "don't hurt my brother" and he should obey, like any friend would. It's your family not your mate's. If he can't promise that then don't introduce him to your family or at least not when your brother is around.

spinandscribble

i can't believe you can stand to spend time with your brother. its amazing you've forgiven him but i hope for the sake of any children he may come in contact with he's gotten professional help for his problem.
I think your friend will hold it together just don't be surprised if he refuses to act matey matey with your brother.

hairymolly

You have a wonderful friend and as you said you have had years to deal with it whereas it is all new to him. I would value his friendship and respect his opinion as he cares very deeply for you.
I would not condone his need to physically hurt your brother, he feels the need to hurt him because of the hurt he has bestowed on you. You could point out to your friend that no amount of beating could undo the hurt and pain you have suffered by your brother's abuse of you. Out of respect for your friend I would not put him in the situation where he is in the same company as your brother. why not meet up with other family members when your brother is not around. Better still tell your brother that you are bringing a friend around to meet the family and that you would prefer if he was not there. Surely the brother will understand, that is if he is truely sorry for the pain and suffering he has put you through.

Plek Trum

hairymolly wrote: »

You have a wonderful friend and as you said you have had years to deal with it whereas it is all new to him. I would value his friendship and respect his opinion as he cares very deeply for you.
I would not condone his need to physically hurt your brother, he feels the need to hurt him because of the hurt he has bestowed on you. You could point out to your friend that no amount of beating could undo the hurt and pain you have suffered by your brother's abuse of you. Out of respect for your friend I would not put him in the situation where he is in the same company as your brother. why not meet up with other family members when your brother is not around. Better still tell your brother that you are bringing a friend around to meet the family and that you would prefer if he was not there. Surely the brother will understand, that is if he is truely sorry for the pain and suffering he has put you through.

+1
Ask your friend to try and understand your wishes and even if he doesnt agree with them, you would really appreciate it if he could be civil, even if only for the few hours. HE doesnt have to talk to him, just a nod of acknowledgement would do.
Do you mind me asking if your parents are aware of all this?

LegacyUser

My whole family know about what happened. I have told my friend that no amount of beating will make it better and he knows I'm totally anti violence for any reason. He said he would be civil if needs be but I wont ask him to play act like that. that would kill me to see it. Hence the avoiding family situations thus far.
However this month is my birthday and my family have planned a surprise function (they suck at keeping secrets) and he got an invite...and I really don't want him to go. Hell I certainly don't want a party. I'm so stressed about it that I wont enjoy it. I feel its more for them anyway to make sure everyone gets along than for me and that pisses me off.
The reason I want to forgive my brother is a little insane and probably beyond anyones comprehension but my own. See before all this came to light he was my best friend brother. You know the sibling you always turn to, the one you have the best relationship with. He was mine I was his and I miss it.

RedXIV

hairymolly wrote: »

You have a wonderful friend and as you said you have had years to deal with it whereas it is all new to him. I would value his friendship and respect his opinion as he cares very deeply for you.
I would not condone his need to physically hurt your brother, he feels the need to hurt him because of the hurt he has bestowed on you. You could point out to your friend that no amount of beating could undo the hurt and pain you have suffered by your brother's abuse of you. Out of respect for your friend I would not put him in the situation where he is in the same company as your brother. why not meet up with other family members when your brother is not around. Better still tell your brother that you are bringing a friend around to meet the family and that you would prefer if he was not there. Surely the brother will understand, that is if he is truely sorry for the pain and suffering he has put you through.

+1

Simple option here is keep the two away from each other. I'm afraid i'd be like your friend here, if i knew someone in the same situation as you and they were that good friends with me, i'd be looking for justice too. So i can tell you from my point of view, your better off keeping them seperate

LadyGodiva

OP- A best friend does not abuse a sibling and I think you are in denial of anger here. TBH there is dysfunction there if your brother abused you, do you think he could have been abused? Sorry to sound harsh but I think your family are probably very good at keeping up appearances and I think you have absorbed that.
Your friend should respect your choices, however I think you need therapy.

Ainekav

+1

i agree with lady godiva it sounds like your in some sort of denial and you havent dealt with the problem fully at all.

LegacyUser

I've done the therapy route and that helped me get onto the forgiveness side. I truely don't hate my brother. We were both kids when it happened and I feel he is truely remorseful for what he did. And I love him. And no not in that "Stockholm syndrome" way. We are exactly alike in every way. Our humour, our mannerisms we look alike, talk and laugh alike we even share the same birthday albeit 8 years apart.
He moved to the UK shortly after he finished college while I was still in school and only moved back about 9 years ago and that was when we became so close. then about 6 years ago all this came flooding back. Obviously we fell out over this and we haven't become close since but I am ready to rekindle that friendship. However not at he cost of my best friend. I know he wont physically harm my brother and he will smile and nod and shake hands with him when they meet but I just don't want to have to watch my best friend go through that when I know it will kill him. I will be keeping them apart for as long as I can.
Thanks for your thoughts guys they are much appreciated.

Nevyn

Move out from the family home asap.

LegacyUser

I moved out of that house when I finished school and went to uni in 95. But this year I had to move back before the house I was buying was ready and I lived there for about 3 or 4 months. I'm out again now for the past 3 weeks. the close proximity and claustrophobia form that house is always hard to deal with and makes everything "in your face" but now that I have the geographical distance I'm ready to move on with him.

nacho libre

whyohwhy wrote: »

Okay there is me and my best friend. He knows everything about me. EVERYTHING. We are just friends though everyone thinks we're going out we're not and I'm going off on a tangent now coz this isn't what I meant to post about...

When I was a kid i was molested by one of my brothers. I blocked it out and generally forgot all about it until about 6 years ago and suffered a nervous breakdown because of it. But I got over it (well in as much as you can) moved away for a few years but this year ended up moving back home with the folks for a couple of months and it was like going through the whole thing again. In the same room, seeing him every day...sheesh! TV movie of the week kind of situation!

Anyway Its been a hard couple of months and my friend was worried so I told him all about it. He's the only one I've ever told (outside of the family) and he was amazing. Very supportive and everything I could have wanted from him. I've come through this again and I'm leaning towards the forgiveness, lets build bridges with my brother side of things as I cant avoid him and my family forever. But my friend is completely anti forgiveness. He supports me in what I want to do and will stand by me but he's very angry about the whole thing and basically wants to hurt my brother.

I have big family and they play a large part of my life. Its only a matter of time before they meet my friend and I'm terrified of what might happen. He plays such a huge part of my life that I want him included in all things that make me happy but this is insane because he wants to physically hurt my brother and doesn't understand how I can imagine forgiving him. I don't want him to be anything other than what he is and I never want him to have to pretend to be happy so thus far we've been avoiding my family stuff while going to his family stuff. (**** it really sounds like we're going out! We're not!) Both our families are large and play important roles for each of us. So its natural to want to share that with each other. But I'm not getting to do any of the sharing.
What do I do? He said he would grin and bear it but it would kill me to see him shaking hands with my brother when I know how much its hurting him. I guess its a time thing too. I've had a long time to deal with this and come to terms with it while it is all fresh and new for him.

Well I guess this was more of a rant than a questioning in the end. I'm just so frustrated by the limitations that have been placed over us and I dunno if I can ask him to do what he needs to do to meet my family. We've been best friends for such a long time but I haven't lived near my family until recently so this wasn't an issue before.
Sigh.

if he is truly your friend he'll abide by your wishes and not his own - however difficult that maybe for him.