Dwelling on the Past

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to ask your opinion on something. Am I being stupid???? My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. We are back together after a 9 month break up. We broke up because she was with somebody else behind my back. Anyway, she begged me to take her back after she realised how much she loved me. After a lot of talking over a few weeks I decided to give her one more chance and to put the past totally behind us. Anyway, we have been back together for the last 8 months and to be honest things have never been better between us. However, sometimes I cant help but feel that something has been lost between us. You see, her and I were both virgins when we met in college. And when we had sex for the first time, it was so special for both of us. And during the relationship we always commented how special it was that both of us had never been with anyone before. But now, I sometimes think how that has been lost. I suppose it just disappoints me. I was never with anyone even when we split because I was too hurt to even look at anyone else. I sometimes think about how I will always be exclusive to her but that she will never to me. I love her to bits, always have and always will and I don't want to spend my life with anyone else. Will I ever be able to forget about this??? I'd appreciate some advice.

Aes Sedai

That's a tough one, I think if I was in your situation I'd never fully forget what happened and always carry the disappointment around with me, then again, you say you love her to bits and can't imagine being without her so if you focus on that maybe given time you will forget and the thing that's lost will come back.

herya

I think you may be idealizing it a bit, I know how important it's to be virgins to each other but life is very complicated (sexually too) and people have all kinds of relationships with very hard decisions to make and experiences they endure but still they are together because what they have is more important than what was in the past. I know of situations when someone's other half was a rape victim, another friend's bf cheated on her when extr drunk, another couple had a mighty HIV scare. They are all happy couples now and just looking at them you would never tell what they went through. If you love her this is what's important and obviously she loves you enough to go back to you.

Also, I don't know what's your age but if your relationship is to last for many years there are bound to be situations where you both will disappoint or fail each other in all kinds of aspects. The thing is to bounce back from there. Next time it may be you who will disappoint her and hopefully you'll be forgiven, as she was!

RedXIV

Careful now OP, you're heading towards dangerous territory. If you can't learn to forgive and forget/accept, you will harbour these feelings, they will get stronger and they WILL eventually ruin your relationship. You say you love this girl to bits and she feels the same for you. Do you realise how many people posting in this forum would love to have that relationship?

How long do you expect this healing to take? are we talking months? years? Also, if you feel something has been taken from the relationship, it will eventually come across in your actions in the relationship and your gf will cop on to it. It's up to you OP, no one else can say whether you can forgive and forget, you yourself know that decision

JDLK

Such a tricky situation and one I can personally relate to. I took an ex gf back after she cheated with someone and to be honest it just made the whole thing worse. Whats lost is lost- you can never get back what you had, you might be able to form a new/different relationship but if you try to get back what you had you will just drive yourself nuts- trust me Ive been there.

Im not saying you cant work things out but no matter what happens your relationship will never be the same. Looking back on mine I wish we didnt get back together because the period of time that we did just ground us down and made us hate each other- we havent spoken since (3 years)

Affable

Mmm, I personally could probably forget most of the time if I was that in love with or charmed by someone, but then I'd always have the niggling feeling that I'm being taken for a ride and being too nice because of my feelings. Maybe you are best off with a girl you are more sure won't cheat and who respects you.

Aurora Borealis

Affable wrote: »

Mmm, I personally could probably forget most of the time if I was that in love with or charmed by someone, but then I'd always have the niggling feeling that I'm being taken for a ride and being too nice because of my feelings. Maybe you are best off with a girl you are more sure won't cheat and who respects you.

People make mistakes and granted this is one I'd find hard to get past myself but you're making a bigger mistake for both of you if you stay in this relationship without being able to forgive your girlfriend. I'm not saying you should but if you can't then you can't be with her as it will cause you both untold pain. You have to decide once and for all if you can move past this.