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An Ode To Fair City

  • 26-05-2008 5:43pm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6

    This lame duck soap wins TV Now Best Soap Award? Didn't make sense to me either. So, after years of ignoring it, I sat down to watch one episode of the damn thing, quick flicking remote control in one hand and a bucket of ridicule in the other, then something odd happened; the usual sickening boredom did not set in and before I could exclaim, What the **** is happening to me?' the end credits were rolling. I have to say folks, against my better judgment, the bastard thing drew me in, and now I'm hooked, so perhaps it's time for a little hats off ode to the insidiously seductive power of Fair City:


    There once was an ugly
    With stories all stubby and
    But the other soaps said in
    much better words
    Get out of town,
    Get ****, get ****, get out of
    So it went with a smack
    and more twaddle from the crack
    In a hurry to Cidertown
    That poor little ugly
    Tried **** sad fat
    But on every channel they spat
    in its face
    Now get ****, get ****, get
    out of here
    And it took another whack
    so advanced to the crack
    With the thousand yard stare
    All through the new primetime
    it shat itself away
    Ashamed to show disgrace
    afraid of what critics might say
    All through the spinsters, with its
    lonely stump of meat
    Till a flock of ‘wans eyed
    it there and very soon
    You’re a fine soap indeed
    A soap? Me a soap? Ah, go on!
    And they said, yes you’re a
    Take a gander at yourself on
    the box and you’ll see
    And it looked, and it saw,
    And it said
    I am a soap! Wheeeeeeee!
    I’m not such an ugly
    No stories all stubby and brown
    For in fact those birds in so
    many words said
    The best in town, the best,
    the best,
    The best in town
    Not a smack from the crack,
    Not twaddle from the crack
    But as sharp as a thistle
    With a showy pride back
    Giving head so noble and
    Say who’s an ugly
    Not I!
    Not I!