Not getting on anymore..

LegacyUser

I know there's a been a few similar threads this morning, bit i'm still going to start this and hopefully get some good advice.



Been with my GF lets call her Sarah for 7 years not. Were both heading towards 30. We bought a house together 4.5 years ago. For the last 6.5 years we've got on great never really fought apart from the odd moody thing. We have our own lives we do things together and as individuals. I get on great with her friends and her family and will the odd Saturday night stop by her dads local for a couple of pints with him before going out. She will go shopping with my mam. I'm on the same football team as her brother and would consider him a really good mate now.

The last 6 months though we've just been fighting a lot. And usually its over nothing like me not wanting to watch corrie or something so usually i'd just go into the kitchen and watch something else in there. She hates this but I'm sick of watching her crap but she would sit and watch mine like discovery channel etc. She likes doing things with her family a lot. I mean her aunties and their kids etc. Now sometimes I'll say yes I'll agree to do x,y,z on such a date but now when it comes around I just tell her I'm not going and it leads to more fights.

Also its starting to annoy me now that somethings have to be done her way. We were getting some building work done 2 months ago, so on the Sunday night she insisted we clean the entire house for the builders, even though they'd be walking through the house with dirty boots on etc. Again I said not a chance as that makes no sense. She gets very emotional when we fight and I've went to leave (as in go back to my parents for a few days) and she always guilts me into staying as she knows I don't like to see her cry.

I plan on proposing next year as tbh I really cant see myself with another girl or see anyone else as the mother of my kids. She is great, funny, smart, gorgeous and I know if we broke up tomorrow she would have someone else in a heartbeat if she wanted. I dont want anyone else and she knows that and I'm pretty sure she's not been cheating either.

But I'm just sick of fighting, honestly i'd like to go to my parents and take a week or 2 away

But i'm not sure of what to do.

Beruthiel

You've been with your g/f for 7 years.
I presume she has always watched her soaps, she has always gone to family outings.
But only in the last 6 months have ye been fighting.
So, the question is, what's changed? What happend 6 months ago? Because, as far as I'm concerned, it has nothing to do with the reasons you've given above.

It really sounds to me like there is a reason behind all this if ye were getting on great up to that point.
Sit down with her and talk through what's going on in both of your heads.

Dizzyblonde

I agree with Beruthiel - all these little niggles are symptomatic of a bigger problem that you need to get to the bottom of.

CathyMoran

Maybe it is just the 7 year itch - myself and the OH broke up for a while then but we are happily back together. As other posters have said though, it could be the sign of deeper problems.

dav nagle

Take a lads holiday perhaps

paperclip2

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

I agree with Beruthiel - all these little niggles are symptomatic of a bigger problem that you need to get to the bottom of.

+ 1.

It could be a seven year itch thing. You talk about proposing so you're facing a long term committment, maybe there's issues there? Are you looking at the current set-up, i.e being so enmeshed with her family etc and seeing this as not being the life you wanted but now have to live.
Remember that you always have choices OP. How is your GF feeling about things?

aye

argumentative wrote: »

The last 6 months though we've just been fighting a lot. And usually its over nothing like me not wanting to watch corrie or something so usually i'd just go into the kitchen and watch something else in there. She hates this but I'm sick of watching her crap but she would sit and watch mine like discovery channel etc. She likes doing things with her family a lot. I mean her aunties and their kids etc. Now sometimes I'll say yes I'll agree to do x,y,z on such a date but now when it comes around I just tell her I'm not going and it leads to more fights.

well i can see where she is coming from. if someone told me they'd do something with me on day x and then on the day decided they didnt want to do it, i'd be very annoyed.

if you dont want to go to the event dont agree to go in the first place.

argumentative wrote: »

Also its starting to annoy me now that somethings have to be done her way. We were getting some building work done 2 months ago, so on the Sunday night she insisted we clean the entire house for the builders, even though they'd be walking through the house with dirty boots on etc. Again I said not a chance as that makes no sense. She gets very emotional when we fight and I've went to leave (as in go back to my parents for a few days) and she always guilts me into staying as she knows I don't like to see her cry.

again i see where she is coming from. she is house-proud, and didnt want the builders walking into a dirty house and thinking "look at the state of this place".
so what if they are going to dirty it.
would it really have been that hard to clean the house. half an hour maybe?

argumentative wrote: »

But I'm just sick of fighting, honestly i'd like to go to my parents and take a week or 2 away

But i'm not sure of what to do.

stop causing fights so.
all those fights could have been avoided by you.
you dont have to do waht she says, but you could see her point and make and effort.

there has to be a deeper reason you are causing these arguements.

How Strange

OP, from reading your post there is a clear contradiction in how you speak about your gf in the everyday ordinary sense and the idealised notion of being married to her

She hates this but I'm sick of watching her crap but she would sit and watch mine like discovery channel etc. She likes doing things with her family a lot. I mean her aunties and their kids etc. Now sometimes I'll say yes I'll agree to do x,y,z on such a date but now when it comes around I just tell her I'm not going and it leads to more fights.

Also its starting to annoy me now that somethings have to be done her way. We were getting some building work done 2 months ago, so on the Sunday night she insisted we clean the entire house for the builders, even though they'd be walking through the house with dirty boots on etc. Again I said not a chance as that makes no sense. She gets very emotional when we fight and I've went to leave (as in go back to my parents for a few days) and she always guilts me into staying as she knows I don't like to see her cry.

then you say this

I plan on proposing next year as tbh I really cant see myself with another girl or see anyone else as the mother of my kids. She is great, funny, smart, gorgeous and I know if we broke up tomorrow

Honestly OP, when you look at the two halves of this post it doesn't make sense.

What has happened to YOU in the last 6 months to bring around this change? It seems from your post that the problem or the change is on your side. In fairness, b1tching at her for watching Corrie and stomping off to the kitchen is really childish. And promising to do family things with her and backing out at the last minute is just acting like a total prat. Of course you know that is going to provoke an argument. My bf knows that backing out of a family committment once he has promised is a huge no no. I don't care if he doesn't want to go in the first place but backing out at the last minute would seriously bug me.

And then you want to run away to your parents. So you know that will upset her and she'll start crying.

Going from your post, it seems that you're going through a bad patch. It could very well be the 7 year itch but you do seem to be instigating arguments for the sake of it. I'd say you've stopped making an effort with your gf. Maybe things feel like a bit of a rut at the moment, I think we all go through that at different stages, but giving in to your bad moods and treating your gf badly is completely unfair and very childish.

If you have a problem with her or her habits at least talk to her about it and tell her you're going through a bit of a rough time at the moment but don't turm things around on her so she's always arguing with you and crying begging you to stay. One day soon she mightn't cry and beg you to stay when you say you're going to your parents.

RedXIV

I'm not gonna lie OP, the problem does seem to stem deeper. Surely you've encountered little things like this in the 6 years previous to this? How were they dealt with then. as aye pointed out, alot of the stuff was very trivial and didn't need to be fought over. any relationship is give and take, you have to work to keep it working.

jamescole

Hey OP,

Ive been with the g/f for almost 10 years now + ive had the odd spell whereby she gets on my nerves for one reason or another - but its always passed after a time and i realize i was just being stupid. I have found however though that routine can be the mind killer! try and have as much variety in your life with your g/f as possible - simple things liek pick a random night midweek to go out for a nice dinner or maybe just buy her some flowers/chocolates out of the blu - you'll be surprised how happy the little things make her!

Bottom line though - if you are constantly getting annoyed and its getting worse maybe look into some councelling or something - its not uncommon!:)

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback its always good to get an objective view on these things.

Just to answer a few questions, I dont feel in a rut as we are always doing something. Though thankfully i do get a weekend now and then to sit on my a$$ and do nothing. But it is childish to be causing arguments for no good reason and she's done nothing to deserve it.

Thanks for the advice

LegacyUser

OP, I wonder does she know that you are thinking of marriage and that you are committed for the long term? I ask because although 30 is just an arbitrary age, it is the one at which a lot of women are thinking "It's been great til now but I need to know where this is going".

Have ye talked already about your general expectations of when children would be on the cards etc? Of course you've bought the house together and everything so I'm not saying she has any reason to doubt your commitment. But it's not uncommon for women to be sitting there waiting for the BF to bring it up/propose and silently fuming "doesn't he know the clock is ticking...!"

I could be way off, it could be that you both discussed that you wouldn't be going down that road until a good bit later or whatever. But especially since you say she's very family-orientated, likes spending time with her little cousins etc. You declining to go along could also be interpreted as "he doesn't want anything to do with kids!" and expressed as the kind of resentment that leads people to pick fights over things that are not really the source of their angry feelings (Corrie etc).

Would be interested to hear whether any of this has been discussed OP. I know not all women are slaves to the "Argh I'm 30" reaction but as one fighting it myself I'm interested in how other couples handle the discussion!

AngryBadger

I'm inclined to agree with posters saying this indicates a bigger problem.

It's already been pointed out that it's unusual that this is SUDDENLY a problem, and I'd wonder if it's not because you're thinking of proposing, which is a huge step, and does involve a certain amount of sacrificing your own freedom.

However in saying that, my hackles rise when I hear you saying that she starts crying to guilt you into giving in because she knows you hate to see her cry.

I'd also wonder what's her problem if you don't want to do stuff with her family, or even if you want a night off from her. It's completely natural, and in no way compromises the sincerity of your feelings for her. ALso, turning on the water works is childish BS. So you say you don't want to visit her family, and she starts bawling her eyes out? Wtf is that about? Could she not just explain why she has such an issue with this, like and adult? In which case ye could talk out whatever the problem is and hopefully find a solution.

Definitely have a look at things and figure out why all of this is suddenly an issue, (or if it's always been an issue).

Whatever you come up with, don't be suckered into thinking you're somehow completely in the wrong here. It's not reasonable for her to turn on the waterworks just to get her way, and personally I don't think it's reasonable that you're expected to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. For me, and granted we're only getting YOUR side of things, but that all sounds a bit one-sided. A marraige is meant to be a kind of emotional symbiosis, not parasitism.

But again, only you know if this is the case or not.

NextSteps

AngryBadger wrote: »

However in saying that, my hackles rise when I hear you saying that she starts crying to guilt you into giving in because she knows you hate to see her cry.

I'd also wonder what's her problem if you don't want to do stuff with her family, or even if you want a night off from her. It's completely natural, and in no way compromises the sincerity of your feelings for her. ALso, turning on the water works is childish BS. So you say you don't want to visit her family, and she starts bawling her eyes out? Wtf is that about? Could she not just explain why she has such an issue with this, like and adult? In which case ye could talk out whatever the problem is and hopefully find a solution.

From what we've heard, I don't think it's fair to accuse her of turning on the waterworks - for all we know, she has good reason to be upset, especially if he's suddenly become so irritable about little things and has started being unreliable about arrangements they've made. It's not necessarily to 'guilt him into giving in'. Bit of an assumption I think.

Jack B. Badd

AngryBadger wrote: »

I'd also wonder what's her problem if you don't want to do stuff with her family, or even if you want a night off from her. It's completely natural, and in no way compromises the sincerity of your feelings for her.

...

It's not reasonable for her to turn on the waterworks just to get her way, and personally I don't think it's reasonable that you're expected to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. For me, and granted we're only getting YOUR side of things, but that all sounds a bit one-sided. A marraige is meant to be a kind of emotional symbiosis, not parasitism.

Tbh, I think you're mis-reading part of, if not all of, the OP's post. He didn't say that his gf has a problem with him not wanting to do stuff with her family. He said (and I quote): "Now sometimes I'll say yes I'll agree to do x,y,z on such a date but now when it comes around I just tell her I'm not going". I don't know many people who wouldn't be annoyed if their OH agreed to do something at a particular time and then reneged at the last moment.
Also, the OP didn't say that he was expected to do whatever she wants whenever she wants, he said (yet another quote): "Also its starting to annoy me now that somethings have to be done her way.". Somethings being the significant word.
As for her crying during a fight, that is somewhat childish and unreasonable but surely allowing yourself to be emotionally blackmailed is equally so.

OP, from the tone of your post I get the impression that you're aware that not all the blame for this is lying on your gf and that you're instigating your fair share of the problems. As How Strange said, there does seem to be a disparity between your everyday view of your gf and the idea of her as your wife. Maybe taking a bit of time away from each other would do you some good and allow you to get your head sorted, but properly communicating with each other about how you both feel will probably do a hell of a lot more. If you are having problems communicating without arguments or emotional blackmail, maybe couple's counselling would help. Good luck.

Creachadóir

I don't think that she's crying during fights to emotionally blackmail the OP. It sounds like he has become mean and unfair and that she is so frustrated by his actions that she cries.

OP, I think you need to sit down and figure out what this girl means to you. You can't continue to upset her and change plans and be moody with her. It's not fair.

AngryBadger

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Tbh, I think you're mis-reading part of, if not all of, the OP's post. He didn't say that his gf has a problem with him not wanting to do stuff with her family.

Yeah my bad there. Apologies OP, I definitely misread/interpreted parts of your post.

Obviously it's not cool to make plans and then cancel at the last minute.

C;ear;y as everyone has said you need to figure out why you suddenly have a problem, and talk to your girlfriend about it.