Councelling for couples.

fluffyMC · 26-05-2008 10:38AM #1

I'm having a few trust issues between my girlfriend and I.
I feel extremely hurt every time she is in touch with the last guy she was meeting. I'm with her a year, she knew him for about 5 months before she met me. She wants to maintain that friendship. I want her to keep her friends too however, something bad happened in our relationship which involved him and her flirting via email. It was very suggestive and I've felt extremely uncomfortable with her contact with him ever since.

She apologized and promised it would not ever happen again. I've tried let it go, and she has made a huge effort to make me feel better with it, however she is still in touch with him, and actually met him for dinner while visiting relatives in London. I gave her this permission, and I wanted to do the right thing I know nothing bad happened and I do trust here there, but I just felt so terrible and I did actually want to just get out of the relationship because of it.

I was wondering if anyone can suggest a good couples therapist or something. I care about my girlfriend very much and I know if my jealousy continues I will eventually drive her away.

CathyMoran · 26-05-2008 10:45AM

We went to Accord in Harcourt Street in Dublin, they are non directional and not preachy, they let you discuss in an open manner - highly reccomend. Good luck.

fluffyMC · 26-05-2008 10:47AM

CathyMoran wrote: »

We went to Accord in Harcourt Street in Dublin, they are non directional and not preachy, they let you discuss in an open manner - highly reccomend. Good luck.

Anyone in the midlands?

CathyMoran · 26-05-2008 10:49AM

They should have branches in the Midlands also! Check www.accord.ie

fluffyMC · 26-05-2008 10:54AM

CathyMoran wrote: »

They should have branches in the Midlands also! Check www.accord.ie

Thank you, however maybe this is a bit more marriage orientated. We are only together one year. Maybe something more personal for me, just so I can maybe deal with my trust issues.. Anyone in Athlone I could see?

CathyMoran · 26-05-2008 11:00AM

They do offer councelling for couples only, sorry for butting in again. I know that they seem like a place for people who are married/getting married but that is not the case. I actually saw the councellor by myself when our relationship broke up as I was pretty shaken up by it.

LegacyUser · 26-05-2008 11:08AM

OP this similarily happened to me. I couldnt understand why my ex boyfriend kept a trail of women behind him and met for coffees. I got very jealous, no matter how upset I was, he always went and met them anyway. It turned out that on one occasion, when he visited the girl in New York when he was there working, they spent the night together. This ultimately destroyed us. I was heartbroken. We finished as a result of it all, after 3-4 years.

Now, last summer, I met someone who isnt like my ex at all. Very trusting and supportive, and im annoyed I actually put up with that other guy.

The thing I figured out is, if your friends with an ex, then you should incorporate them to your relationship, the ex should meet the new person, and then undertsand that its a two person relationship, etc. Thats the mistake he made, he always went off alone to meet these women, never brought me, or introduced me. I was asked by him in february last to meet for a coffee, and I said no. I heard a funny saying lately, the only reason you stay friends with an ex is to get back together, albeit drunken nights, lonely nights. Its true in some ways.

Mighty_Mouse · 26-05-2008 11:17AM

Your gf is in good contact with her immediate ex before you whom you've caught her flirting with (sex talk?). Then you give her you're blessing to meet up with him for dinner in London!!!!
Wtf!
Personally she'd have got the heave-ho or at the v least the ultimatum a long time ago.
Relationship councelling wont help ya buddy.

Just got to decide what you can & cant tolerate, draw a line, put the boot down...................................etc

fluffyMC · 26-05-2008 11:27AM

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Your gf is in good contact with her immediate ex before you whom you've caught her flirting with (sex talk?). Then you give her you're blessing to meet up with him for dinner in London!!!!
Wtf!
Personally she'd have got the heave-ho or at the v least the ultimatum a long time ago.
Relationship councelling wont help ya buddy.

Just got to decide what you can & cant tolerate, draw a line, put the boot down...................................etc

Thanks for the comments, however I do believe I can trust her now. I believe that I'm the problem in the relationship. I need to learn to let it go.
I will possibly see the counselor with accord.

Also could you please refrain from making comments on the actual relationship. There is more to it than kicking her to the curb over this. I'm merely looking for someone professional to talk to so that I can get over my paranoia.

CathyMoran · 26-05-2008 11:32AM

Good luck to you.

jamescole · 26-05-2008 12:01PM

Hi OP,

Just an opinion but here goes......

I personally don't think councelling is the solution. I would have believed councelling was undertaken when the couple didnt know what the problems with the relationship were. But in your case it seems your partner is doing something which makes you uncomfortable but continues to do it!!!!! I have been in a long term relationship with my G/f for almost 10 years & if she acted like you say your partner did regarding her exes i would be none too happy!!:mad: I would also expect her to feel the same way if i was flirty with an Ex and then went to meet them! Not trying to ruffle feathers here but i think you are being far more reasonable than 90% of people would be in the same position.

fluffyMC · 26-05-2008 01:44PM

CathyMoran wrote: »

They do offer councelling for couples only, sorry for butting in again. I know that they seem like a place for people who are married/getting married but that is not the case. I actually saw the councellor by myself when our relationship broke up as I was pretty shaken up by it.

What qualifications do these people have? I have plenty of friends to talk to about this, but I really want a neutral point of view. I feel my friends are obviously going to be on my side about this, I'd just like to get a neutral educated opinion on this, and maybe some kind of advice which will help me move forward.

MysticalSoul · 26-05-2008 01:53PM

If you contact either IACP (www.irish-counselling.ie) or IAHIP, they would be able to give you names of accredited counsellors in your area. Best of luck with it.

LegacyUser · 26-05-2008 01:58PM

Yeah, OP have to say - its not your paranoia that needs sorting out, its your girlfriend who needs the help.

I would never disrespect my partner with online flirt chat. End of story!

Its almost like shes telling YOU, your paranoid. Shes contributing to this sense, so I would lay down the law with her, and be prepared for some talking.

fluffyMC · 26-05-2008 03:32PM

irishamethyst wrote: »

If you contact either IACP (www.irish-counselling.ie) or IAHIP, they would be able to give you names of accredited counsellors in your area. Best of luck with it.

Thank you everyone for the concern and advice.
I think this should be able to help.

sam34 · 26-05-2008 06:32PM

fluffyMC wrote: »

however she is still in touch with him, and actually met him for dinner while visiting relatives in London. I gave her this permission

you GAVE her your permission to meet someone??? why do you think she needs your permission? i certainly wouldnt stay with someone who felt they could control who i met up with.

Councelling for couples.

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