Not sure what to do

LegacyUser

To cut a long story short, I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years - moved to England from Ireland to be with him.
We have had our bad times but I love him deeply and could not imagine my life without him. Our sex life is practically non-existant the last year or so, he has a lot of issues but he has just agreed to see a counsellor as he doesn't want to be like this any longer and knows there are things he has to deal with. This is a big break-through.

Anyway tonight we were at a couple's house who are same age as us (early 30's) and they have a one year old. I really want to have this too - house, marriage and family although not necessarily immediately as I would like some time to concentrate on my career and build up my savings but in the next 2 or so years. What I would like now though is to know that it is going to happen in the future I guess. However my boyfriend won't commit to this and says he can't say it will ever happen, at times in his crueller moments he says it probably won't. I am so torn between really loving this man and being so close to him (he is my best friend, funny, kind, generous..) and other times feeling the fear of wasting my time with him. I am 30, have a good job and get attention from other men so it's not like I don't/won't have a life outside of him but I am so utterly confused - should I give this time and him maybe (?) changing his mind or cutting my losses now and actually having a boyfriend with a sex life and some sort of committment and future with.

Literally at times I veer between absolutely knowing he is the one for me and being determined to stick by him while he works out these issues and other times nearly hating him for being the one to call the shots and holding all the power. I am not an ugly, stupid, unfriendly girl and I am sure there are plenty of men out there who are in the same boat as me and are looking for committment.

Has anyone else been in this situation and can you please give me some advice?

Thanks for reading

Syke

Relationships that work are about give and take. You can't get into a relationship with someone, expect them to make big moves and sacrifices and then ignore their hopes and wants.

This is effectively what your boyfriend has done.

Now the thing with PI is that we only get one side of the story and it usually has some bias (not to accuse, this is just human nature) are you too clingy and do you make him feel smothered? I'm going to guess not, but this is something that I know a few guys have issues with when it comes to committing.

Still, to turn around and say "it probably won't happen" to your hopes after you moving to England to be with him, just makes him sound selfish and despite the traits you listed, maybe he's someone who is better as a friend for you than a partner. The sex life thing especially makes me wonder.

I learned the hard way recently, you really need to be on the same page with your partner for things to work. You sound reasonable and fair from your post but you're still considering your options yourself so maybe you don't think he's right for you.

To sum it up, I'd sit down and think about your relationship. Is it one sided in the give/take department? Is it too smothering? Is the spark still there?

When you work out, if you truely get back what you put in, then sit down with your boyfriend, outline your ambitions and dreams and see if he's on board. If he's not, or not willing to offer you hope and support, especially if you do so for him, then get out.

Maggie Simpson

The fact that he seems to change his stance/position on being married, having kids, house etc. oculd suggest that he's maybe not in a position to give that commitment right now.

OP you really need to talk to him, though given the fact that he has lots of other issues, maybe attending counselling with him after a few months is an option? If he has some problems, maybe you should give him a chance to work through them before you start looking for a commitment re. marriage & kids? I'm just trying to see things from his point of view.

It might be the case that the future of the relationship does not feature the things you want but maybe give it a few months? You need to talk to him honestly to find out where he sees things headed - but give him some breathing room.

And please please don't give him an ultimatum. It's very unfair and a relationship isn't all about what one person wants.

Rev Hellfire

Personally I'd say dump him if he's not prepared to commit to children and you want them.
Lets face it there's a time limit on these things and the risks increase the longer you leave it. Its time to put yourself first, looking out for others is an admirable trait but not when its done at your own expense.

RedXIV

Syke wrote: »

Relationships that work are about give and take. You can't get into a relationship with someone, expect them to make big moves and sacrifices and then ignore their hopes and wants.

This is effectively what your boyfriend has done.

Now the thing with PI is that we only get one side of the story and it usually has some bias (not to accuse, this is just human nature) are you too clingy and do you make him feel smothered? I'm going to guess not, but this is something that I know a few guys have issues with when it comes to committing.

Still, to turn around and say "it probably won't happen" to your hopes after you moving to England to be with him, just makes him sound selfish and despite the traits you listed, maybe he's someone who is better as a friend for you than a partner. The sex life thing especially makes me wonder.

I learned the hard way recently, you really need to be on the same page with your partner for things to work. You sound reasonable and fair from your post but you're still considering your options yourself so maybe you don't think he's right for you.

To sum it up, I'd sit down and think about your relationship. Is it one sided in the give/take department? Is it too smothering? Is the spark still there?

When you work out, if you truely get back what you put in, then sit down with your boyfriend, outline your ambitions and dreams and see if he's on board. If he's not, or not willing to offer you hope and support, especially if you do so for him, then get out.

+1

Fantastic advice above and definitly something to get you thinking. It is true that he's not coming across as ideal partner material but as stated above, we usually get a biased version in PI. But you cannot ignore the fact that if you two both desire different things, then this relationship is not given the best of chances. Discuss you plans for the future, Find out if he's willing to commit. If he's not, i'd suggest leaving

lolli

Op,

I have recently came out of a 3 year relationship, my self and himself wanted different things in life, we had different goals and dreams so it wasnt going o work.

You and your partner really need to have the same wants, you are in your 30s you are at the stage where you want committment, children etc, if he says hes not ready for that now I would believe it and move on. His feelings arent going to change over night. There is obviously some problems in your relarionship if you arent sleeping together. You seem like such a nice woman so my advice to you is walk away from this relationship and find someone who deserves your love.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies.

One part of me wants to wait and see what happens with the counsellor. He is a nice decent person, says he hates the whole idea of being on the single scene so I know that is not his motivation for not wanting to commit. He has the belief that he will 'never be happy' and I think this has a lot to with his fear of going forward into the future and making plans. I think he is depressed even though he has everything going for him.

The sex thing does get to me I will admit. I saw a psychotherapist myself last summer as I thought I was going mad with the lack of sex and thought it was all my fault. I know now that it isn't. I totally hear you about you only hearing my side of it, I am sure he has his side to it too. I don't think I smother him but then again maybe I do! He was on a 2 week trip with his family at the beginning of the year and is going on another one in October with his best friend. Being honest, I would like for us to be taking these trips but I am not totally against them either, I think the one in October would be good for him. However because I am not jumping over the moon with joy about them perhaps this is smothering??

Anyway, thanks again for the replies. I think I am going to wait and see how this therapy pans out and then make some decisions. I am starting to get bitter though and feel things personally which I hate - a couple we know are getting married end of June and I am very reluctant to go to the wedding - they only met 10 months ago and I feel like it's a kick in the stomach?? I know that probably makes no sense whatsoever but I feel so jealous. They are not my close friends so I don't think I will be missed.

Thanks x

LegacyUser

To be honest with you, I'd say dump him. You have made all of the moves for him, you actually moved countries to be with him, and he responds by not giving you any significant commitment at all. So basically you're just waiting to see now if he will change his mind. He is totally in control.
The exact same thing happened to my sister, she moved for him and all. He didn't want to commit. We all could see it, but sure she there was no point in saying it to her, she'd have to see it herself.