Alcoholic Mum - Any suggestions and help very welcome!!

summer-rain

HI everyone, if you're reading this, thanks!!

so i wont start from the beginning, that would take way too long!

getting straight to the point, my mum is an alcoholic, shes 49 (im 21) and she has been drinking very heavily for the last 2 years (between 1 and 3 bottles of gin a day), i moved out just over a year ago and took my 11 year old brother with me, she has an abusive boyfriend who also drinks heavily.

for the last 2 years i have tried everything to get her to want help and to realize she has a problem, its not working, organizations wont help unless she will admit she has a problem and asks them directly for help, her house is falling apart and is absolutley filthy, only a junkie or alcoholic could live in it.

i finally got someone from her side of the family to help me do something, so eventually after a hard 2 months going to the doctor every few days and begging him to do something he finally admitted her to the john of gods because she was a danger to herself, i was so happy and relieved that something good was happening, however after only one day she refused to stay there and signed herself out, and is back home, i dont know if she has been drinking but she has told me she is not, (she is also a compulsive liar so its hard to know when to believe her) i have to work 2 jobs to keep things ticking over food, clothing, rent etc so i cant be there all the time to make sure she is not drinking or even if she is okay, its worrying at times as she passes out and then i cant get through to her over phone so im freaking out until i can get to the house to make sure she is okay.

she now has tablets from the doctor and has been registered in a programme where she must meet with someone everyday to take tablets and have a chat, this starts tomorrow and i just hope she will go, iam taking her tomorrow, but i cant be there everyday to do this.

does anybody have any suggestions what i should do? and how i should help her and support her even though i cant be there alot of the time, and how to try motivate her so she wants to help herself??

her family dont want to help because they are "sick of her" but i cant just give up that easily, she was the best mum in the world to me and i want her back!

thanks for your time!

+

dresden8

Walk away.

When she was drinking, don't piss me off, or you'll make me get drunk.

Now I'm sober, don't piss me off, you'll make me get drunk.

I'm not drunk today, amn't I freakin great, you owe me.

AA is my life, without those people I'm nothing.

GTFO out of there now. Do not look back. Your brother does not need to be sucked into this crap.

It may sound harsh, but get out now.

I've changed my mind, do not walk away, run.

SarahMc

I'm concerned about you. You did an honourable, noble but huge thing by removing your brother from that situation. Do you have support, both practical and emotional?

You cannot fix your mother. Your mother cannot be a parent to you or your brother, that is up to you now. You cannot be a parent to an alcoholic middle aged woman and an 11 year old at the same time.

Is Social Services involved? Have you been in contact with your Community Welfare Officer?

ronbyrne2005

You can't make her change unfortunately. Just try encouraging her and if she wants to change eventually she will have to go into treatment but forcing her will only end in resentment.
Does she have any other mental health problems? I know a lot about St John of Gods and my aunt died of cirhossis of liver at age 55 and my experience is people have to come to a low point and decide they have had enough of the boozing and feeling sh1t all the time.
At this stage she will have to detox using medication as she is likely physically dependent on alcohol. Maybe you could pick her up in morning to attend the day clinic I presume she is attending to get detoxed. Encourage her and try to find out why she is drinking so much. Theres usually some underlying reason causing a person to seek refuge in drink like she is. Maybe try organise a counsellor for her to attend. She may agree to stay in hospital for a few weeks in near future as she is nearing rock bottom if she is drinking 1-3 bottles gin a day.

Miss Fluff

If you are holding down two jobs does this mean your little brother of 11 is home alone with her a lot of the time OP? You are shouldering a massive burden, an insurmountable burden if you and you alone are trying to deal with this by yourself. Is your Dad in the picture? Do you have any aunties/uncles/grandparents who are in any way supportive? You can't deal with this on your own, you're not long out of your teens you poor thing.

Vengeance

dresden8 wrote: »

Walk away.

When she was drinking, don't piss me off, or you'll make me get drunk.

Now I'm sober, don't piss me off, you'll make me get drunk.

I'm not drunk today, amn't I freakin great, you owe me.

AA is my life, without those people I'm nothing.

GTFO out of there now. Do not look back. Your brother does not need to be sucked into this crap.

It may sound harsh, but get out now.

I've changed my mind, do not walk away, run.

Thats a really unfair way to put it, but i see your point. He should get away, it does damage people and his brother shouldn't have to deal with it.

That said, a lot of alcoholics are not like you describe. I consider what you've said to be blatant stereotyping.

suzy5978

hi op i feel for ye i really do.my dad is an alchoholic and its taken 29 years of blood,sweat and tears(mine and the rest of the family-not my dads) to just let him be.your mam wont be helped until shes good and ready.its a very powerful addiction and nothing but herself wii make her stop.my dad has 4 kids from the ages of 3-18 living with him and when hes bingeing all i can do is ring them every night to make sure they're ok.ive struggled with the guilt of not been able to do more for years but just came to the conclusion that i have my own family and problems.theres absolutley as you probably know no point in talking to your mam while shes drinking-youll just end up hurtin yourself.i suppose what im tryin to say is take a step back,do what you can for your brother and your mam but ultimatley its your mam who needs to get her sh*t together.

Carrigart Exile

summer-rain wrote: »

HI everyone, if you're reading this, thanks!!

so i wont start from the beginning, that would take way too long!

getting straight to the point, my mum is an alcoholic, shes 49 (im 21) and she has been drinking very heavily for the last 2 years (between 1 and 3 bottles of gin a day), i moved out just over a year ago and took my 11 year old brother with me, she has an abusive boyfriend who also drinks heavily.

for the last 2 years i have tried everything to get her to want help and to realize she has a problem, its not working, organizations wont help unless she will admit she has a problem and asks them directly for help, her house is falling apart and is absolutley filthy, only a junkie or alcoholic could live in it.

i finally got someone from her side of the family to help me do something, so eventually after a hard 2 months going to the doctor every few days and begging him to do something he finally admitted her to the john of gods because she was a danger to herself, i was so happy and relieved that something good was happening, however after only one day she refused to stay there and signed herself out, and is back home, i dont know if she has been drinking but she has told me she is not, (she is also a compulsive liar so its hard to know when to believe her) i have to work 2 jobs to keep things ticking over food, clothing, rent etc so i cant be there all the time to make sure she is not drinking or even if she is okay, its worrying at times as she passes out and then i cant get through to her over phone so im freaking out until i can get to the house to make sure she is okay.

she now has tablets from the doctor and has been registered in a programme where she must meet with someone everyday to take tablets and have a chat, this starts tomorrow and i just hope she will go, iam taking her tomorrow, but i cant be there everyday to do this.

does anybody have any suggestions what i should do? and how i should help her and support her even though i cant be there alot of the time, and how to try motivate her so she wants to help herself??

her family dont want to help because they are "sick of her" but i cant just give up that easily, she was the best mum in the world to me and i want her back!

thanks for your time!

+

Help her break the routine. Get her out for a coffee, visits to museums, visits to cinema, anything to get her out of teh house and in a place where she can relapse.

chuci

op you are too young to take all this on without any support. is your dad around at all to help or grandparents?you can not be expected to look after your little brother alone. if your working two jobs and your little bro is at home alone or where is he?you need to contact social services and get help with everything. as for your mam just walk away i know its hard but it might be the kick up the bum she needs when she realises that you are no longer there. i feel for you op feel free to pm me if you need to talk or any thing.

Queen-Mise

Hi OP, I really feel for you. And I agree with some of the previous posters, you need to step back from the situation and concentrate on rearing your brother.

The alcoholic are selfish, by the nature of their addiction, and are not going to get help until they are good and ready. Alanon use the line - 'Detach with love'. If you say so close, she will destroy you and herself.

My tuppence worth is too strongly suggest you go to Alanon or ACOL, and seriously encourage your brother to go to Alateen.

They are thousands of people in this country in the same situation as you (unfortunately), you are not alone. Go get the help and talk to people.

Your mother is not your responsibility.

LegacyUser

SarahMc wrote: »

I'm concerned about you. You did an honourable, noble but huge thing by removing your brother from that situation.

I fully agree with this, at 21 you have done what others probably never have the courage to do. I don't know much about your situation so i dont want to comment to much, but after fighting for two hard years which i am sure has affected you emotional to get your mother the help she needs, i really do think its time to tell her you have done what you can and walk away and make you and your brother No.1 priority in your life. This may make your mother seek the help she needs.

Best of luck OP.

kelly1979

agree with most of above posts.
the best thing you can do is look after yourself at the moment, make sure you keep healthy, agreed that taking on your 11year old brother is a very honourable thing to do, however accept help wherever it comes.
it's very hard to see a parent go through this, however i think for your own mental health you'll need to take a step back.
i hope your mum takes the help offered to her, let us know if she attends?

LegacyUser

my mom is an alcoholic too but was a highly functioning one. she has been since i was 5 and im 21 now. we've tried to get her admited and it was impossible so fair play finding someone willing to admit her.
it took my mother years before she'd admit and until last november she was still drinking. both her children had become depressed, one nearly admited for her own safety and the other self harming but it wasn't until dad left that she pulled her ass off the floor and said she'd do something about it.
it will be scary for the next few months op. you'll question her actions all the time, not trust her a dot which will piss her off and then you'll worry you're turning her to drink because of the stress. the resentment i felt was unbearable. all the harm my mother did but the one thing i made sure was that it wouldn't affect my education. op you're working two jobs and you're only 21. i don't know how you cope. did you ever want to go to third level? could you and your brother get more support from family? do you see anyone to get help yourself?

theres a bit of hope though. my mother still hasn't drank since november it's still not easy but knowing she isn't slowly killing herself is one less worry to think about.
i wanted to go unreged for this op but if you'd like someone to pm about this then please reg up and i'l pm you when you leave another post.

Nevyn

Have you gotten yourself some help and support ?
And some for your bother too.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

Al anon and alteen are for family memeber that have to deal with a family memeber who is an alcholic.

There you might both get help, suport and suggetions from people who are or who have been where you are.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/alanon.htm

Dizzyblonde

OP my advice is to look after yourself and your brother. Your mother can't be helped until she accepts that she has a problem.
Definitely contact Al Anon and take as much support as your extended family are willing to give you.
You're not responsible for your mother, but you're giving your younger brother a real chance at a happy life and you should be very proud.

Vengeance

A lot of the advice here is really good. Take some of it. But remember people, this is the guy's mother we're talking about. I assume because he hasn't broken all contact he still loves her and wants her in his life to some degree.

As an alcoholic myself, i had to wake up and smell the bacon. Despite what previous posters have said, Alcoholism is not inherently selfish itself. For me, it was a secret problem. Nobody knew until i made the effort to stop. Its not about being selfish at all, as a matter of fact, for a lot of people, its the opposite.

I deliberately drank on my own so other people didn't have to deal with it, and to protect them.

You don't care about yourself. You lose all sense of being able to cope with things without alcohol and it becomes a crutch. Its more to do with hating yourself than it is with hating others.

That however, is MY experience. Obviously there is many alcoholics who are selfish, and do it to get attention. For me, it was simple: get twisted out of my face so i don't have to deal with things when i'm on my own.

I love booze. Yes, i still do. I won't ever stop loving the taste of a Henessy with ice or a cold guiness, but the fact is that i need that self belief and self confidence i have when i don't drink alcohol.

OP, your mother sounds like a particularly bad alcoholic. But at the end of the day, whatever you do for her, the decision to give up will have to come from her, and her alone. You don't have to stick around and deal with it. It'll have to be that decision, alcohol or her family.

I understand a lot more than you think, i had an alcoholic parent (which was probably why i saw the danger signs in my own drinking faster than that parent did), but eventually they stopped. It took a long time, but they did. But it was their decision.

Since your Mum is 'off the bottle', now would be a good time to let her know that if she drinks again, you won't stick around. It might be an incentive.

I hope something here helps.

paperclip2

Well done you OP, talk about stepping up to the plate!

I know it might not seem like it but by taking care of your brother and being there and caring about what is happening to your mam you are doing a lot for her. As has been said already its only your mam who can make the real change in this situation. There is very little you can do to influence this decision, it has to be hers.

The only advice I can give is to really take care of yourself in all of the chaos. I know its a hackneyed term "take care" but in this sort of situation don't loose sight of your own life in taking care of your family. Remember your mother is not alone in this, she has you. You need to have people in your corner who's job it is to look out for you.

I'm not great at expressing just how much I admire you for what you are doing. I've seen what drink and alcoholism does to a family in all its gory detail. To take that on at 21.. Fair Play.

Hoping it all works out for you OP!

summer-rain

thank you so much to everyone who has replied and given advice to me.to answer some of your questions i dont get along eith my dad i never have, he is a very angry person and never really had much to say good about me or anything i have ever done. my brother is living with him at the moment, but he works alot so i try to be around for my brother when i can, and he comes for dinner with me most nights. i dont tell him much about whats going on as i really dont want it to affect him in anyway, i've told him that we cant see my mum because she is getting better and she will be soon so then we'll go home and everything will get back to normal. all my friends have been really helpful but i feel as if im pushing them away with all the bother and favours i have to ask.i did attend college for 2 years, one of which was fantastic and i enjoyed it so muchm 2nd year was difficult as my mum was very bad and i needed to be there for my brother to take him to school, collect him, feed him, i just never had the time to go to classes, most nights were spent awake listening to screaming shouting fights.this week has been very good for my mum though, sunday i wasnt working so i took my mum to the john of gods again as she agreed to take some medication to help her some down off the alcohol, she took them on monday too although yesterday when i went to visit her at home she was there with her "boyfriend" who was drinking!!! i was furious!! my mum said she hadnt been drinking but who knows, only her!i only hope when i go see her after work today she isnt locked passed out on the couch.i've trie to explain to her that this guy isnt good to be around etc but its useless, as anybody will tell you when you're in a relationship with someone then nobodies opinion matters.thanks again everyone

Queen-Mise

Summer-Rain, from very bitter experience I am saying this.
The more you get involved in your mother life & relationship - inversely the longer she will stay in it. I am not sure how much you can separate yourself and your brother out, but do it as much as you can.
Secondly, tell the truth. when your brother asks, where is his mom, tell him. you lying to you brother is adding to the situation, tell him the truth. You can look after him, but you can't really protect him from everything that is going on.
look after yourself, get some help for the two of you. talk to sw, and see can you get rent paid on a place for the two of you, (a suggestion & they can only say no).

chuci

well its at least a step in the right direction for your mam summer rain it was probably huge for her. the boyfriend is obviously not a good influence but as you said yourself no one can tell you different when your in a relationship. just mind yourself and your brother. im glad that at least there is an adult (no offence) in the picture i assume your dad knows whats happening with your mam?