boyfriend keeps putting me down

suzy5978

first off apologies for the long post.been with my boyfriend bout 8 months.when we first met i was quite confident and he was a tad insecure.just d last while ive noticed that he puts me down alot.when i pull him on it he just laughs it off sayin dat hes only messing and thats just his way.but he wasnt like that at first-he was sensitive and really caring.i would never put him down and just dont understand how he can be like this to someone he supposedly loves.just wondering do you think im overreacting?it seems that things have done a major u-turn with his confidence going up and mine is now in the gutter..

Catari Jaguar

What a pr1ck. You poor thing. Don't put up with that. My advice is to drop him. It'll get worse. I don't wanna scare monger, but I've known girls in abusive relationships and they started by the blokes putting them down and ebbing away at their confidence. It's just not healthy.

AARRRGH

That wasn't a long post.

I don't think you're overreacting. There are a lot of insecure, controlling people out there. They use things like put downs to control their partner.

It's totally unacceptable.

I'm not sure exactly what solution would work best for you, but you could try explaining to him how it is affecting your confidence. If that doesn't work, start getting angry everytime he does it...

Best of luck.

SuperSean11

suzy5978 wrote: »

first off apologies for the long post.been with my boyfriend bout 8 months.when we first met i was quite confident and he was a tad insecure.just d last while ive noticed that he puts me down alot.when i pull him on it he just laughs it off sayin dat hes only messing and thats just his way.but he wasnt like that at first-he was sensitive and really caring.i would never put him down and just dont understand how he can be like this to someone he supposedly loves.just wondering do you think im overreacting?it seems that things have done a major u-turn with his confidence going up and mine is now in the gutter..

Just show that your not happy when he does this. If he doesnt stop leave.

suzy5978

thanks for that.ahh its bloody hard because im mad about him.its just wearing me down-like hes chipping away at me waiting to see how much ill take.ive known a few girls in abusive relationships myself and have always said"how can they stay with him",but its bloody hard when your in the same situation.because i dont know if it is just his way,like is it because hes a bit insecure himself that hes doing this to me?or IS he just messing?i can take a good slagging now but this is just constant.and its not nasty its just really frequent little digs .I was thinkin i might write a letter and explain how i feel that way.let him know im serious about it?

AARRRGH

It may not be a conscious thing, but he's doing it, and its damaging you. You need to get it to stop.

jane86

Sounds like he is a bully. You said he was insecure at first so he tries to make himself feel better by putting you down. Leave now and stop wasting your time with him!!!

Plenty more guys out there for you.

miju

it wasn't a long post. could you give an example of the kind of put downs he's using.

i ask because he may be doing it in jest (i know i do sometimes to my other half of 7 years though she gives as good as she gets ) and not realising that he's hurting you as you are only asking him to stop, which is why he might be laughing it off.

eddie.fandango

Maybe there is another side to this story. I myself was in a long term relationship which ended about 6 months ago. Similar story as yourself, but I was on the other side: she said that I put her down alot, especially around friends. From my point of view, it IS only messing, I give all my friends a hard time ( albeit all in the name of fun), but she didn't see things that way. Maybe I was harbouring some resentment and releasing it subconsiously? Who knows.

I see people referring to him as abusive and a complete ass wipe, but things are rarely as black and white as that, we don't know what's going on in his head. Maybe he is just teasing with a complete lack of tact, or he could just be a mean b-tard. Only god and Tom Cruise know

My point is simply this, if you're not enjoying your relationship with him, end it. If it's worth it to you to put the time and effort into it, by all means do, but if not, there is no point prolonging it. Go have some fun girl!

Yakult

dublindude wrote: »

That wasn't a long post.

I don't think you're overreacting. There are a lot of insecure, controlling people out there. They use things like put downs to control their partner.

It's totally unacceptable.

I'm not sure exactly what solution would work best for you, but you could try explaining to him how it is affecting your confidence. If that doesn't work, start getting angry everytime he does it...

Best of luck.

+1

MagicMarker

It's amazing what some people assume after a 5 line paragraph with very little information given, and only one side of the story explained.

OP: Can you give us some examples? Is it possible that he actually IS only messing and you're just taking it too personally?

It's no secret that women can be incredibly and annoyingly sensitive to simple innocent remarks/jokes made by a man. I had an ex who used to get so offended if i corrected her on something, anything! She'd accuse me of trying to make her feel stupid, when in reality, she was/is probably a lot more intelligent than me. But yet she still took offence to stupid little things.

Are you just letting your insecurities get the better of you by over analysing your boyfriends comments?

On the other hand, if you aren't really the sensitive ''type'' and believe your boyfriend really is trying to humiliate and demoralise you, then you should have left a long time ago.

gogglebok

Surely the only issue here is how the OP feels about it? She feels bad, and she has told him so. Therefore he should stop. Saying it's "only my way" doesn't cut it. Your way is making someone you're supposed to love feel rotten, so bloody change it.

I don't think the "only messing" excuse works either. There is often a pretty hard edge to slagging in Ireland, conscious or not. We've all seen men do this to women to bring their confidence down, and it's a vile sight. Whether that's his intention or not is absolutely irrelevant. It hurts her: learn to stop.

If he cares about the relationship, he will be willing to make compromises, and not hurting his girlfriend hardly seems like a big stretch.

Good luck with this, OP. I hope that when he understands it's a serious issue for you, he will stop. It will probably take a while, if it's an ingrained habit, but keep calling him on it.

If he wants an analogy to help him understand, how would he feel if you kept making hilarious jokes about his manhood or sexual prowess? I'm not suggesting for a moment that you do this, but he may genuinely need some help in understanding how destructive he's being to your confidence.

spurious

gogglebok wrote: »

Surely the only issue here is how the OP feels about it? She feels bad, and she has told him so. Therefore he should stop.

Exactly.
Having been in a similar situation OP, you can do much better than someone who treats you like this.

Wibbs

It's hard as others have said when you only get one side of the story. I do agree that some women can be a nightmare of self actuated sensitivity bombs and some men can be boorish fools and some couples when the first flush of romance tails off just rub each other up the wrong way. Been there. I went abit boorish myself at times. Why? Crazily enough because in a weird way it "worked". With some being insecure makes them more attracted and attentive. In one situation that I caught myself starting down that road I made a conscious effort to stop and actually watched her lose interest. Baffling at the time, but I kinda get it now.

If he sees that it's troubling you and lets face it he must unless he's an emotional idiot then that leaves you in a quandary.

suzy5978 wrote: »

ahh its bloody hard because im mad about him.

The "but I looove him" clause. A rock many a young woman has foundered on in her "bastard" phase. Your logic tells you quite correctly that this is out of order, but your emotions over ride that. Ask yourself this, you being crazy about him is one thing, but if he's crazy about you he would be more emotionally mature with your feelings. It sounds like you're one of his first, if not his first "real girlfriend". Now that he's getting confidence another side of him is coming out.

its just wearing me down-like hes chipping away at me waiting to see how much ill take.

Pretty much. So set boundaries. People respect and prefer those who have clear boundaries. This is especially true in matters of the heart.

ive known a few girls in abusive relationships myself and have always said"how can they stay with him",but its bloody hard when your in the same situation.

Again because the emotions are screwing with your good sense.

because i dont know if it is just his way,like is it because hes a bit insecure himself that hes doing this to me

So what if it is. You're now in the area of making excuses for him. Not good. The proof of the pudding and all that. Someone telling you he loves you is all very well, but showing he loves you is a far better basis for any relationship. Actions speak louder.

or IS he just messing?

Only you can answer that really.

i can take a good slagging now but this is just constant.and its not nasty its just really frequent little digs

Are they digs of a particular nature or just general?

I was thinkin i might write a letter and explain how i feel that way.let him know im serious about it?

Don't tell him you're serious, show him you are. I would avoid the letter. Too many chances of it being rubbed in your face down the line. The next time he does it, tell him quietly that the comment upset you. If he does it in public, just ignore him and talk to your mates. If he does it in private, don't give him the silent treatment, tell him again that was hurtful. If he continues or poo poos your feelings, just call it a night and leave(after telling him why you're leaving). Don't get emotional if possible as he may just brush that off as you being "emotional/can't take a joke/typical woman" stuff.

PS yours isn't a long post, this is a long post.:)

Miss Fluff

I think there's a fine line between just jesting and being a bully tbh. In what way does he put you down OP? I can't comment without knowing some examples. It is highly possible that he takes the p1ss out of his friends and expects it to be water off a ducks back with you too. It's also possible this could be the start of mental abuse and he's doing it to control you and ruin your self-confidence. Tell us more OP....

RedXIV

eddie.fandango wrote: »

Maybe there is another side to this story. I myself was in a long term relationship which ended about 6 months ago. Similar story as yourself, but I was on the other side: she said that I put her down alot, especially around friends. From my point of view, it IS only messing, I give all my friends a hard time ( albeit all in the name of fun), but she didn't see things that way. Maybe I was harbouring some resentment and releasing it subconsiously? Who knows.

I see people referring to him as abusive and a complete ass wipe, but things are rarely as black and white as that, we don't know what's going on in his head. Maybe he is just teasing with a complete lack of tact, or he could just be a mean b-tard. Only god and Tom Cruise know

My point is simply this, if you're not enjoying your relationship with him, end it. If it's worth it to you to put the time and effort into it, by all means do, but if not, there is no point prolonging it. Go have some fun girl!

+1

without a few examples or knowing the guy, i cannot condem nor defend him.
Being brutally honest lass, I'm watching my best mate and his gf going strong for years and the digs they throw at each other would shock quite a few people here i reckon. But at no stage would they say that the digs are anything other than playful. If either of them was in a relationship with someone else, i'd imagine the scenario would be different. But the point i'm making is that his few sly digs might be perfectly normal to him, especially if he has alot of guy mates that do similiar.

His inclusion might be (in fairness, a bad attempt) at including you in the in-jokes and traditions of his group of friends. For all he knows, he might think he's being genuinely funny. end of the day, we can't be sure if he's actually tryin to make her feel bad.

To get him to stop, be serious and be blunt, we guys can miss the point if not spelled out correctly . Tell him if he wants this relationship to continue he's got to lay off the jokes. Also, Wibbs' advice above is fantastic, follow that and you shouldn't go far wrong

Brenda&Audrey

Have to agree with Wibbs - don't write a letter. If he won't respect you enough to talk to you without putdowns he'll have no time at all for a letter.

This is obviously something that's upsetting you enough to post on a board about it, and that is serious. Whether he's conscious of his behaviour or not is irrelevant. You have to deal with it and talking to him is the only way. If he's not willing to listen then there's only one thing for it.

I hope things work out for you. You sound like a lovely girl and you don't deserve this at all.

m83

You'll have to give examples of what he's saying before you get my vote. I've been accused of such put downs before like the latest one... I jokingly told her not to text me for 100 years becuase I need that much beauty sleep - then she texts the next day, I say where's my hovercar this ain't the future love - and now I'm a 'cock'.

I will never understand women :rolleyes:

Rb

Yeah I agree regarding some examples being needed. I agree with what MagicMarker said, this could well just be a case of someone being a bit too sensitive/not taking a joke.

OP: Did you know him before the relationship?

Reason I ask is that maybe he likes to joke around a bit when with friends/make jokes at the expense of friends and now that you've been together a while, he feels more secure and can "be himself" a bit more now that you've a close friendship with him/ now that you know eachother really well.

suzy5978

hiyas,im not too familiar with how to do those quotes so ill just try to answer your questions.what kind of stuff does he say-comments on anything from my weight to my parenting skills.im a size10 and wouldnt say im mother of the year but am trying my best and WIBBS your dead right this is his first real realationship-hes 27 and im 29.im a woman so i can be a bit sensitive but i was a major tom boy growin up so i can take plenty of slaggin,i suppose i just feel that ive finally got someone who im mad about and he says the same-so i just find it a bit hard that he can hurt me in an instant by sayin something stupid.i would never go out of my way to hurt someone-never mind someone i love.anyway had a good chat with him last night and he apologised and said he never meant to hurt me but would just get carried away.so fingerscrossed thats the end of it.thanks for all your advice!

Rb

suzy5978 wrote: »

anyway had a good chat with him last night and he apologised and said he never meant to hurt me but would just get carried away

Ah good to see it resolved so

miju

good to hear suzy. hopefully he just didn't realise he was upsetting you and he'll be more careful in future.

best of luck

Talliesin

Call him on it at the time.

If he's just messing, it'll give him a better idea of where your limits for messing are. If he's putting you down to boost himself (whether conciously or unconciously) it won't give him that option.

But make sure you call on him immediately about individual comments, rather than afterwards about the habit generally. General complaints are much easier to brush aside than specific ones.

geminilady

i didnt read the other posts but i think you really should get out quick. No other person has the right to make you feel inferior. i bet your a really nice girl and you dont need someone like that bringing you down. When you with the person your meant to be you should feel on top of the world.
Just after reading your other info, nice to hear its all sorted out

RedXIV

geminilady wrote: »

i didnt read the other posts but i think you really should get out quick. No other person has the right to make you feel inferior. i bet your a really nice girl and you dont need someone like that bringing you down. When you with the person your meant to be you should feel on top of the world. Like miss fluff said i think it would be a good idea if you could tell us more info. Good luck

suzy5978 wrote:

anyway had a good chat with him last night and he apologised and said he never meant to hurt me but would just get carried away.so fingerscrossed thats the end of it.

Ah this is why we should always read the other posts

spinandscribble

the same thing to me. twice. first time i fell for it, second time i got rid quick. i went from confident to very unconfident but sometimes i wonder if i was ever that confident to begin with if one fellas words could turn me into such a self conscious person afterwards. Now i'm much better thank god lol.
i think he would have always messed with you like that from the start if it was "his way". i know i always call my bf fat and take the piss but thats only because he's always been slim and theres no where he's really feel bad being called fat.

i hope it works out but if he still won't quit remember you're not being unreasonable. you havn't given us any examples of what he's been saying but if its enough to upset you then its enough to mean he should stop. it also means you can make it stop whenever you want, just show him the door:keep that in mind.

gogglebok

Talliesin wrote: »

But make sure you call on him immediately about individual comments, rather than afterwards about the habit generally. General complaints are much easier to brush aside than specific ones.

Great point. General complaints can be frustrating too. "If it was so bad, why didn't you say it at the time" and so on.