Advice needed

Delganys Finest

Hello,
first of all my name is a joke so please don't think I'm really up myself because I'm not.
I'm looking for advice,basically I was going out with this girl for nearly 2 years,we've recently broken up.
Last September she moved away,to the north,we'd been living together for nearly a year at this stage.
She moved to do a masters,I'm studying down here in Dublin.I told her I didnt think I could handle a long distance relationship but we tried.(I was scared basically).
We got til November and I was unhappy,I felt that it too difficult,she was really busy with her course,I mean really busy,sometimes we didnt speak for a couple
of days(which I know isnt long but we were used to living together yknow?)I think we both felt a huge amount of pressure to try and cram all of our relationship into a a couple of days a week.
Anyway we broke up at my instigation,I thought I was grand,she was very upset.I think I lasted around 3 weeks or so but I missed her unbelievably.
I called her and asked(begged more like) her to get back together,that I would try harder.We got back together but it was a bit strained.I had this massive project from January until the beginning of March and it sapped all the energy out of me,she was giving it her all but I was giving very little back.At the time I started getting cocky after the project ended,I told her I didnt think it was working(and why and a load of **** basically that I felt at the time)she was unhappy too,she could see I wasnt trying or giving.We both agreed it wasnt working.And decided to break up.
All the while we were still meeting up and being with eachother,I felt we were starting to get along better than we had in a long time.It was like when we said we'd break up that some pressure was off and I felt more relaxed.
Then around the beginning of April she says that she has no energy left for us,and that we don't work and that she wants to end it all completely.
I was absolutely devasted.It wasn't so bad at first because I was up to my eyes between work and college but now it's absolutely horrible,I feel physically sick when I think about it.
It's been 5or6 weeks now since I saw her,I realise now how much of a dick I was,taking her for granted so and generally sucking all the energy out of it.
We speak every couple of weeks or so,I try not to call her because I know she wants to forget about it while she finishes off her stuff in college but I'm loosing my mind.I know she still has very strong feelings for me,I can hear it in her voice when we talk,I also know she's started seeing someone else though she says it's not serious.
We broke up over the phone by the way,my gut instinct is to just go to her and try and talk but I'm scared I'll arrive and she'll be on a date or something and besides I don't want to just arrive,like what i she's not there,or she cant see me or something.I wish I'd gone weeks ago,I know that it may not be meant to be but I need her in my life,she's my best friend and I'm absolutely crazy about her
Any advice is welcome
thanks

LadyE

Ok, so you have realised that you **** up. Fair enough. Do you think a grand gesture like turning up will actually work? Has she given any signals what so ever that she might still love you.

I understand where the girl is coming form, and pressure with both of your colleges and work clouds the fact that your not seieng each..you're not seeing her because you dont want to, but you cant - but its very frustrating.

Can you do your course in the same college she is in? If you sit down and have a decent adult conversation (no mind games, or playing) speak form the heart, tell her exactly what you wrote and say you are willing to do anything for her?

I doubt she will be on a date..call her the morning you head up if you want to and ask her if she is free this afternoon, that you need to talk to her.

Delganys Finest

I'm under no illusions that suddenly it's going to be rosy and everything will be grand.I'm not sure whether she still loves me or not to be honest,I'm just hoping,(my gut tells me she does)I know we haven't worked for ages(which is what she recently told me) but I really feel it's mostly my fault and that..........well tbh I don't know what (if anything) could happen next but I have to try.I don't play games or mindjobs,I'll just lay it all out there and see what she thinks I suppose.I've another year in my course here and hers lasts until jan 09.
Thanks for the reply

jellie

distance is a killer. i think if its all youve ever known with the person it becomes just nearly normal, but i cant imagine how it would be to go from living together to long distance.

If you go to her to try & sort this out, is anything going to change? Will you still be living apart? & if so how is this time going to be any different from the last? You need to think about this. youve already tried it twice.

Long distance IS energy & it IS effort. particularly when one or both or you are in college & need all your spare time for work/study. even if youre both committed & want it to work, when you dont get to see each other for long periods of time, you can get confused & feel lost & wonder what the point is.

I say this as someone in a long distance relationship that is struggling recently. mostly because of lack of time for each other due to work/college. we work great together when we have time with each other but lately because were both busy the distance is tearing us apart. We're going to make one last effort now to spend some time together, but if it doesnt work we both know its time to let go. i do love him but if its not going to work its not going to work & ill have to accept that (im really not as brave & strong as im making out to be, im pretty much an emotional wreck. im not usually so honest about these things but maybe it will help you)

sometimes you do just have to let go

Delganys Finest

Thanks sar84,you're bang on,and my heart goes out to you in your situation,it's emotional torture.thanks for your honesty,I wouldnt usually dream of posting any of this stuff but I'm coming to the end of my tether.
I'll be the first to admit that be I don't even know what will come of any meeting.I'm not expecting much in truth.
The final break up conversation came over the phone,the last time we met in person even though it wasnt great,I had no idea that the phone call was next,I just kissed her goodbye fully expecting to see her in a little while again.Now it's been 5 weeks,I'm gutted,I was so busy at first it was ok but now I've finished up college last week and it's pretty grim.I just want to see her again and tell her.......
the state of me:(
Basically we would have been together throughout the summer if I hadn't sabotaged everything.Come September it would have been distance again til January,and then who knew/

Loopy

Op I think this is a PI and may be moved.

I really feel for you. Ok you messed up (as we all do). Long Distance Relationships are extremely difficult and only very strong relationships can deal with them imo. My OH had to move up north for work last year for a couple of months and it was horrible and it tore me apart. It almost finished us but we really persevered and it worked out ok, he's back now.

I think if your gut is telling you she feels the same, go to her. You have to prepare yourself for the rejection though if your wrong. She's with someone else now, it may just to fill the void or she may be very happy. You need to find out though to enable you to move on. Talk to her and be totally honest and worst case scenario is you have tried and know where you stand.

Best of luck..

Delganys Finest

Hi loop' thanks for the response,you're right I shoulda posted this in the other forum but I didn't realise.
Anyway the issue is now pretty much done and dusted.I was in touch last night, and basically that's it finished.I wont go into detail here but if you peeps who responded want to know PM me and I'll spill the beans.
I feel so much better now
Obviously it's not ideal but things came to light that made the subsequent behaviour make sense so I don't feel as **** + I got to apologise for being a selfish prick so happy days
Thanks again folks

CathyMoran

Ahh, I am really sorry that it ended, had been watching your thread. Glad that you are feeling a bit better.

chuci

glad you rfeeling better op and that you both got close sure on the relationship

Delganys Finest

THanks folks,
yeah closure is the word,like a weight has been lifted from me,it's quite bizarre.It's still sad of course but way better than the insanity.
You live and learn as they say.

Loopy

Sorry to hear that, at least you know now though and can move on. Shed a tear and talk to mates and you will be back on track in no time..