I'm single, not for lack of tryin and I dont wanna be!

LegacyUser

Hey all,

Regular enough poster here, goin unreg for this one, ya know how it goes.

Ok, so I'm a single guy. 18 years old and just finished my first year in college. It went reasonably ok and I met loads of really cool people (male and female) who I get along with really well. I suppose you could say I'm a pretty popular guy, always was one to get along with all circles and groups of people all thourgh secondary school and now in college because I see people for who they are, and not for what they might do as a hobby or for who they share their company with. I've been told I'm not a bad looking guy, certainly no Mens Health cover model but not acid on the eyes either!

Over the past few say two years I've been with about 12 girls, one or two I've had realtionships with, but nothing has ever lasted more than a month or so. I seem to be rubbish at them. I seem to have a tendancy whenever I'm with a girl longer than a one night stand to see all the things I dislike about her more than the things I do and I hate myself for this. Many of the girls have been lovely and I am still friends with the majority of them, but now more than ever I'm finding it increasingly hard to talk to them whenever I'm out. I'm single and have been for about 9 months now and I'm having trouble out and about now trying to attract the opposite sex. I know this sounds sad but it's doing my head in. As I said, I get along with everybody and I guess I would be regarded as a pretty popular easygoing fella. I seem to never know how to initiate flirty signals with any girl I meet anymore if I like them. I've put my relationships of the past down to being about 16 and just down to a bit of fun, it was moreso regular sex than a relationship to be honest, immaturity at it's finest eh? Now though, I feel I've matured a lot more over the past year or 18 months or so and I feel like I'm almost alienated from seeing any women I like.

I was just out tonight and had a great time at a local nightclub, lots of beautiful girls. many of whom I know but I just never seem to be able to act myself or say the right thing around them, even if I have it in my head. I never seem to be able to have a casual attitude when I'm talking to a gorgeous girl, even though I'm normally as laid back as they come! I seem to always come across too strong or as a weirdo or as god knows what! But never as a true portrayal of myself! 'Jesus man you have me confused...' was a line a girl used tonight before making her excuses and walking off! (I'm sure some of ye will get a good laugh from this, and I dont blame ye! I laughed myself!) But it's just a headwrecking thing. I mean I seem to be the one always giving my mates relationship advice whenever something comes up and I'm usually the one my close mates come to for advice, but I just cant seem to get the whole thing down myself.

Am I nutjob or is there something I'm missing! I'm having trouble working out the problem, but all I know is it's been 9 months and I'm so bored of being single. I want someone to be close to and to share things with.

Any words at all?

Cheers

Irishcrx

Hi mate,

First off don't beat yourself up about it, there are many differant women who like many differant thing's. I know a couple of my friends change they act when they are around women and it doesn't come off well for them. When talking to girls just don't try to over do it, be calm , relaxed they can tell when your trying to hard. Don't worry about coming accross a little weird, if you are a little weird in general that's fine, maybe that's who you are. I have met endless amounts of girls who think i'm insane and wouldn't talk to me for more than 5 mins because of my sence of humour etc, but i've also met alot you like me for who I am and who I can be totally relaxed around. Never change who you are and it will come trust me.

If you want to meet someone to be with try putting yourself out there, online dating , speed dating are all the norm now, the days of meeting women for relationships in bars seems to be quickly dieing out other than one night stands. As said...

"You can't hurry love"

Vegeta

Irishcrx wrote: »

I know a couple of my friends change they act when they are around women and it doesn't come off well for them.

One of my friends is actually painful to be around when there are women about. He literally turns into another person. I have seen this happen to myself the odd time in the past and I mentally shake myself and say cop on.

Wibbs

What Irishcrx wrote(though his quoting of a Phil Collins lyric is sailing close to a banning...;))

The thing about this is practice, practice, practice. You will fall flat on your face at first, but every screwup is part of the learning curve. Women are people too. There I've said it. Mad I know, but there you go. They do have different approaches to things at times, but then so will everyone you meet male or female.

If you're talking with a woman listen to her. Sounds obvious but a lot of guys don't. Don't be trying to get your persona across too strongly or you will come across as weird and pushy.

Be clear about what you want too. If you're interested in a woman in a romantic way, strike early and find out where you stand. Do not try the friend route and hope that changes down the line. It might, but thats the minority of times so best to avoid.

Observe guys who are good with women. Not the flash harry types, though their confidence is a good thing to emulate in smaller amounts. Look at blokes who are more relaxed around women.

Now you will be told, "just be yourself", often by women themselves. Good intentioned but ultimately dubious advice. If it worked that easily you wouldn't be in this position. I would say be yourself but the best version of yourself you can muster. That's good for you, never mind them.

IMHO while women are as individually different as snowflakes, there are general traits they're attracted to. Confidence, emotional stability and strength, some ambition, ability to have fun and consistency. That's what they consider a "nice" guy, not what "nice" guys who get no female attention think "nice" means.

At 18 you've a fair few years ahead to grow into yourself and as I say you will screw up, but that's all part and parcel of the fun and you will meet someone, indeed several someones so chill and enjoy the ride(no pun intended )

RedXIV

I was really looking forward to replying to this until i saw Wibbs covered pretty much everything

His most important word in that post were practice, practice, practice. This is very important. Some people seem to attract women like moths to a flame but for the rest of us mere mortals, it takes a bit more work. Do not be ashamed about practice, in fact, you should enjoy the experience because it can be alot of fun.

I've said this before, get used to chatting online, instant messaging and forums because it will boost your conversation skills.

Be confident. BELIEVE you are the best thing that this girl is going to meet tonight. It may rub off on her.

Have fun. No seriously, if you go out and enjoy yourself, you'll come across better than the oddball standing in the corner staring the hell out of every girl in the place.

Don't be afraid of rejection. laugh it off. who cares if she says no? she's only a practice run for the real thing.

Hope some of this helps

Red

MIN2511

You are quite young, sometimes the nerves do take in... Most replies have been to practice my opinion is you are trying so hard to be the person they want you to be and not the person you really are.
And fair play to you for approaching girls most guys don't(we'll leave that for another days discussion)

Stop thinking hard about being in a relationship, it would/should come naturally....

Personally i noticed when i try hard i end up being disappointed and when i don't try at all it all comes to me

All the best dude

LegacyUser

Hey guys, well it's been a great weekend! Ever since I've posted this and read the replies I've felt a new bit of confidence about myself! I think I've discovered the main thing to be around any member of the opposite sex is to just be 100% myself! No point in giving somebody the wrong impression of ya I suppose is there? Theres this girl in work that I've fancied for ages and who I got along with really well too. So I got her number on Friday night and said the hell with it, I have been txting her since, turns out she actually liked me a fair bit too! So I've asked her out and she said yes so it's working out thankfully! Just gotta keep reminding myself not to get carried away or act the prat whenever I'm talking to her over the next few weeks, I dont wanna throw this one away since it's been awhile!

Thanks ever so much for the replies everybody, I'll keep ye updated as to how it's going.

Thanks again!

RedXIV

Congrats OP! Glad to see ya happy!

kev_s88

hope everything works out for ya OP.i know exactly how ya feel.im 19 and everything that you described in the original post is pretty much describing me.about 8 months ago i decided to stop worrying about relationships and just go and have fun.and since then ive had the time of my life.

but even if it doesnt work out then dont worry about it.you're only 18.you're supposed to be having fun with your life.and as you said relationships dont seem to go well for you.so maybe you need to have unattached fun...everything will fall into place in time.dont try and force the issue cause its only a matter of time.

muboop1

GoinNutsHere! wrote: »

Hey all,

Regular enough poster here, goin unreg for this one, ya know how it goes.

Ok, so I'm a single guy. 18 years old and just finished my first year in college. It went reasonably ok and I met loads of really cool people (male and female) who I get along with really well. I suppose you could say I'm a pretty popular guy, always was one to get along with all circles and groups of people all thourgh secondary school and now in college because I see people for who they are, and not for what they might do as a hobby or for who they share their company with. I've been told I'm not a bad looking guy, certainly no Mens Health cover model but not acid on the eyes either!

Over the past few say two years I've been with about 12 girls, one or two I've had realtionships with, but nothing has ever lasted more than a month or so. I seem to be rubbish at them. I seem to have a tendancy whenever I'm with a girl longer than a one night stand to see all the things I dislike about her more than the things I do and I hate myself for this. Many of the girls have been lovely and I am still friends with the majority of them, but now more than ever I'm finding it increasingly hard to talk to them whenever I'm out. I'm single and have been for about 9 months now and I'm having trouble out and about now trying to attract the opposite sex. I know this sounds sad but it's doing my head in. As I said, I get along with everybody and I guess I would be regarded as a pretty popular easygoing fella. I seem to never know how to initiate flirty signals with any girl I meet anymore if I like them. I've put my relationships of the past down to being about 16 and just down to a bit of fun, it was moreso regular sex than a relationship to be honest, immaturity at it's finest eh? Now though, I feel I've matured a lot more over the past year or 18 months or so and I feel like I'm almost alienated from seeing any women I like.

I was just out tonight and had a great time at a local nightclub, lots of beautiful girls. many of whom I know but I just never seem to be able to act myself or say the right thing around them, even if I have it in my head. I never seem to be able to have a casual attitude when I'm talking to a gorgeous girl, even though I'm normally as laid back as they come! I seem to always come across too strong or as a weirdo or as god knows what! But never as a true portrayal of myself! 'Jesus man you have me confused...' was a line a girl used tonight before making her excuses and walking off! (I'm sure some of ye will get a good laugh from this, and I dont blame ye! I laughed myself!) But it's just a headwrecking thing. I mean I seem to be the one always giving my mates relationship advice whenever something comes up and I'm usually the one my close mates come to for advice, but I just cant seem to get the whole thing down myself.

Am I nutjob or is there something I'm missing! I'm having trouble working out the problem, but all I know is it's been 9 months and I'm so bored of being single. I want someone to be close to and to share things with.

Any words at all?

Cheers

dude,
heres a bit of advice iv figured out along the way;
girls are always going to be a pain in the ass, minute you want one they are nowhere to be found minute you are happy without they appear!

iv gone through exactly what u have it seems,
i wanted attention form girls desperatly, and so i sought it or rather tried to, and i failed, or attempts and even success' were lacking somethign tbh..

then now im going on a j1 in a week for 3 months so about 3 months ago i decided i couldnt have anything with a girl, and i accepted being single and god i was happy with it! que a week later to the day, amazing girl out of my league-approached me! iv never had this before! now she is amazing and hell shes great! still seeing here etc...
and since then even girls fall at your feet!

i think they can detect it or soemthing, girls always even subconciously love confidence!
if ur in a club and have attitude, **** it, could care less if i get u or not, i dont need you... well dunno why but seems to nab them!
whereas if you are there seeking them basicaly saying i realy want you... they dont go near you... cant figure it out at all!

the can sense our wants or something...

my advice is, you wnat a girl, first be happy being single! only then can a relationship be whole imo, when you are yourself, happy otherwise it seems to me that the relationship is a crutch for something else, despite possible real feelings for the girl you will be in deeper or more needy possibly damaging any future in the relationship due to whatever the reason you feel you need a girl is...
possibly insecurities? or something similar is my guess...
hope any of this helps...

BenGunn

Hey, don't really have any "advice", just thought I'd relate- I used to be pretty identical to you. Had a gf first year of college but slept with about 12 other girls that year. Could never find anyone I really liked. Few weeks before the start of second year I met a girl I had scored a few times but didn't really know on a bus, we sat together for the whole journey and chatted, turned out she was really cool as well as being hot. We texted a bit and on the last day before freshers' week of 2nd year we were both at the same party and I just went for it, told her I really liked her and that I really wanted her to be my girlfriend. She knew I had a rep as a player but I convinced her to see past it and we're been together ever since (I'm just finishing 3rd year now).
So my "advice" I guess is don't stress, there's nothing wrong with you, you just need to find the right girl, they come when you least expect it. I hope everything works out with the one you mentioned, good luck dude.

BraziliaNZ

f*cking hell, sleeping with 16, 12, women etc. and you're all so young. You'd swear you had it bad. Wait till you get older and your neurosis and cynicism grows in power and strength until you become one big ball of weird awkwardness who's years of "being himself" never worked and basically I haven't got laid in 5 months!