please, someone, help me.

LegacyUser

In advance this will probably get quiet long. I have posted this before on a different forum, and i didnt get any help or advice i just got slated, but i decided to give it one last shot before i loose my mind. i will try to shorten it as much as i can.

I am 27 years old.

I have never got on with my mother, when i was growing up she took a lot of drugs, and my step father was addicted to heroin. the drugs messed her up and she would take me with her to buy them, she was paranoid, she would drill holes in my bedroom wall so she could spy on my s.dad at night, cut out the telephone line so "people couldnt hear us" the list is endless.

i wasnt allowed friends, period. no sleepovers. no school trips. she would even go on holiday and leave me behind with my grandparents. she wanted to know where, what, when, how much, how long, why, about everything. she was/is very manipulative and to the outsider looking in she was a sweet person, behind closed doors it was a different story.

i ran away 3 times, then finally left @ 15.

when i was 17 i got pregnant,( as a side note, mum gave up drugs when i was 17, as i told her i wouldnt have my son around it.) stayed with my sons dad for 5 years. mum was even worse when i got my own place, she would call me up to 7 times per day to ask me what i was doing, how much did i spend when i went out blah blah, and if i didnt answer the door she would come round and bang on the door loudly until i answered. i split up with my sons dad as he couldnt handle her anymore. a year later i met my current bf, we have been together for almost 5 years, and without him i would now be dead. my bf is irish, i am english, and we started a long distance relationship.

mum despised him. the first time she met him (and i really DO NOT want to offend anyone here) she called him a terroist to his face, and my own grandad refused to shake his hand as he "might have semtex"..i DO NOT SHARE THEIR RACIST VIEWS.

a year after we met, my bf asked me and my son to move in with him, we moved over to ireland.

very long story short, yes, she tried to split us up, called bf parents to threaten them, called bf at work daily until his boss told her he would get the cops involved if she did it again etc etc. mum told me finally, if i didnt stop seeing him she would make my life hell. and she did.

my son went over for a two week visit to see his father, and when he was there she wouldnt let him come back with me, she called me the night before i was to pick my son up and told me if i wanted him back she would see me in court.

as soon as i put the phone down i called the cops, they told me there was nothing they could do as son was in england and i was here, i asked if i couldnt just go get him, they told me i would be done with child abduction (this was premeditated, mum got an emergancy residence order against me, and also enrolled him back at his old school in the 2 week visit) a week later after getting a solicitor i got the letter to go to court.

she told lie after lie, we didnt have anyone come to our house to see the conditions my son was living in, at the end of the many court cases, she won. that was 2 years ago. i have not seen my baby for 18 months. i am now dead inside to everything.

for 2 years i have tried to get him back, i have had countless solicitors, called his school over here for information as mum told the court i didnt take him to school half the time, but they told me they couldnt help me as they had already signed a document from my mums solicitor, i would go over once per month for a week to see my son, and i even moved back over there, i got a small flat, and then it all started again, she told me when i could have him, how long i could see him for, that i was a bad mother because the flat was near a main road and that i would kill my son, etc etc, i had a breakdown and moved away, i couldnt take anymore.

i FINALLY had a couple of breakthroughs, one of mums biggest lies in court was that social srvices were involved in sons life, i called them, they told me they had never heard of my son, and sent a letter confirming this, also, i got hold of my sons school records which confirmed he had in fact been taken to school. i was so excited, i thought i was going to get him back because it prooved i was telling the truth. i again saw three different solicitors, and beileve it or not, the 1st told me to cease all contact with my child until he was 18, the 2nd told me there was no chance i would get him back as it has been too long and the courts will not move a settled happy child, and the 3rd was the only one to offer me real help, he mad it possible that i could have my son at the weekends/holidays if i got a flat/house, a job, and showed the court i was settled.

so thats it, i didnt do anything wrong, and the best anyone can do for me is give me my own child at the weekends. my son will be 10 this year, and his childhood is slipping away, i just feel like dying because he should be with me and there seems to be nothing i can do to get him back, i have tried everything in my power apart from abducting him, which i know will make it ten times worse.

this is a long shot, but is there at least one person out there reading this that could tell me what i could do to get him back?

i have been to C.A.B. i have pretty much done everything, and it just seems like everything is against me.

colly10

Im sorry to hear that OP, thats honestly one of the worst stories i've ever heard. My blood would be boiling to be honest, your mother is unbelievable. How could she tell lies with no evidence to back it up and win the case, I find that very difficult to understand.
I can't really give you much advice because I can't understand why noone will take the case in the first place (especially with your mothers history, how could that not go against her?). You need a job, whatever makes you look as safe and reliable as possible, go from solicitor to solicitor until someone is willing to take on the case and be willing to fork out big for a good one.

All I can say is that I hope things improve for you, just remember to keep the head and don't rant to solicitors when you talk to them (if thats what your doing wrong?)

tbh

difficult question, but how's your son?

mrsdewinter

Isn't this situation known as an abduction? If your son's father had held on to him after his allotted holidays, wouldn't you be able to go through the EU Parliament? Or some Europe-wide body with a few powers? Just had a quick look online and the EU Parliament has a Child Abductor Mediator. Would it be worth arming yourself with some info on that office before going to the CAB the next time? It sounds like you've done great work getting social services to produce that letter. If all your mother has against her grandson living here is some racist prejudice, it will never stand up in court. Put your head down, get the paperwork that undermines whatever crazy arguments she's been mouthing, and keep trying. Have you tried the local MP in the town where you used to live? Or your TD here?

Good luck

kowloon

You might get some practical advice in the legal forum if you haven't checked there yet.

carolmon

Hi OP
first off so sorry to hear of your predicament.

I'm finding it a little difficult to follow, please correct me if I'm wrong but from what you say your child was most probably born in the UK.

Under the Hague convention children cannot be removed from the jurisdiction in which they were born without the permission of both parents, otherwise it's seen as abduction.

Did you have permission from your son's father to move him to Ireland?

If not is it possible that your son's father and your mother were acting together in getting your son back to the UK?

I fail to see how a grandparent can legally overrule a parent's wish to live in Ireland if there are no objections from the other parent.

I think you may need to return to the UK and challenge this situation through the legal route if you can reach no satisfactory outcome with your mother.

Waiting around til your son is 18 is a non runner, you won't get those years back.

LegacyUser

thankyou all for your answers.

colly10: i have no idea how she got away with it, we have thought of everything, and we still cannot understand. i didnt have the proof when i went to court that i have now, and at the time it first happened i was at my worst low, i didnt know what was going on.

tbh: suprisingly ok, ish. I am so so proud of him for being so brave through all of this, i miss him so much, he misses me, and he doesnt understand why this is going on. it kills me to think this will effect him when he is older.

mrsdewinter: i have not tried my MP, that is one thing i didnt think of, thankyou for the sugestion. i will def look into it.

carolmon: yes, my son was born in england, as was i, we both moved to ireland. before we moved over here i took his father out for lunch and asked him if it would be ok for m to take our son, he said yes, he had no problems with that.
as i said, my mother is very manipulative, and she managed to twist him round her finger by telling him stories about how "unsafe" ireland is, and how our son would suffer with his education as he wouldnt understand the accent so would fall behind, etc etc etc. so then he changed his tune.

Overheal

I'm afraid I can only offer my sympathies OP, and as any regular poster will know I don't hand that out to just anyone.

Growing up I have 2 sides of the same story; that while living with my mom after the seperation, "He" never made the real effort to get in touch with us; and ran off to another country (Ireland) to avoid helping us with Child Support. On the other side "She" screened all the calls and (I can attest) the only times he got through to us is when she was at work and we were left to answer the phone. It starts there and then after a while you can't even be sure what story your child is being spun anymore: Everytime my dad called he wanted us to spend a summer over in Ireland but she would always refuse, telling us/believing we would be abducted (though now with first-hand experience I would have stayed just for the countryside )

Even if you don't get full custody of your son, you have to do what you can to ensure you remain a positive moral influence in his life. Otherwise he will begin to resent the abscence.

As another thought; I still don't have a full collection of everything that happened in my own situation, at 20. I wonder if it mightn't be wise to keep a detailed journal of all of these events, that your son might be able to inherit when he is old enough to read through it all. It could be a good way for him to get the other half of the story.

carolmon

Sorry to say OP regardless of the talk with your ex it is not possible to take your child outside UK jurisdiction to reside in Ireland without written permission from his father.

The Hague Convention is there to protect the rights of both parents.

You have to decide if you wish to stay in Ireland with your new boyfriend or return to the UK to be with your son because however frustrating the situation is the law is not going to change.

the GALL

I dunno about the hague convention....but when I split up from my daughter's mother we ended up in court she wanted to go back to England (she's English my daughter is Irish I'm a full guardian etc etc) and the judge told her if she wanted to go she was free to do so. So if you can prove it's in the childs best interest to be with you in Ireland that may be your best bet....but time is of the essance.

Gary ITR

Jesus Christ, that is some story op. Really feel for you and your son. As overheal says you don't know what sh1te your mother is filling your sons head with either. Suprising that given your mothers history with heroin that the courts still sided with her, or did you go down the road of drug abuse yourself to op?

MagicMarker

What kind of relationship do you have with the childs father? Does he believe you are a fit mother?

Do you still live in Ireland? If so, invite him over for the day, show him that this place is not as dangerous as he is led to believe (how gullible is this guy!?)... The way i see it if you can get the childs father on your side, your mother hasn't a leg to stand on.

carolmon

the GALL wrote: »

I dunno about the hague convention....but when I split up from my daughter's mother we ended up in court she wanted to go back to England (she's English my daughter is Irish I'm a full guardian etc etc) and the judge told her if she wanted to go she was free to do so. So if you can prove it's in the childs best interest to be with you in Ireland that may be your best bet....but time is of the essance.

Were you married to your daughter's mother?
Reason I'm asking is Ireland has very complicated laws in this area and married fathers have greater rights in law.

The UK has greater rights for unmarried fathers.

The father in this case decided to detain the child in the UK and seems to have been planning this for some time, he most likely got legal advice and knew how to go about it.

As another poster said the only way forward is dialogue.

This article might be of interest to you.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/northern_ireland/6988778.stm

Irishcrx

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry to hear about this, it is truely awful, Legally I don't know what you can do, I would have thought that this would be abduction and that if the gards cannot do anything surely the poilce in the UK should have handled it better and the courts. You must be broken up over it. Try to remain strong and keep fighting for him, as said you never know what your mother might be telling him as you said she is a manipulater.

I can sympatise with you growing up, I had a similar childhood my Mother was an alcholoic among other thing's, she constantly filled my head with crap, every weekend I'd be beaten, have vodka bottles thrown at me, ended up in hospital more than once, be put out of the house at 3 in the morning cause her boyfriend was over , When I was 17 she beat my first girlfriend up by going down to her house and pulling her out because "She was taking me away from me" she never spoke to me again, she'd get me fired from jobs by ringing them up and telling them lies. I lived with my grandad for a few years he finally had enough and wouldn't let her have me back for above reasons but she didn't care only when it suited her to, he passed on when I was 12, it was just me and him living in the house so I found him the next morning try'd to resusatade him but had no luck. After that I didn't speak for 6 month's I was dead inside, went to live with my aunt accross the country she was very good to me when I was 17 like you I moved out and started getting on with myself. I speak to my Mam now but I still hold alot of bad feelings for the way my childhood went, My little brother is 10 i'm 21 now and he is care with my aunt though social services, his poor little head is as confused as mine was so I try to be strong and there for him as much as I can.

My point here is that you are a strong person, alot of my friends ask me how I dealt with everything and came out on top, families I knew were sure I was doomed to be a drug dealer or die on heroin "Couldn't blame the poor chap" they'd say, but I'm not i'm better than that and so are you. You can bend me and bend me but i'll straighten up. I will not break. Keep fighting chicken.

Gone West

ring Jooooooooeeeee Duuuuuufffffffeyyyyy!
Or Gerry Ryan's researchers might latch onto the story.
If you got a little press going it could help your case. Seems like the legal route isn't working

My sympathies OP

Overheal

FuzzyLogic wrote: »

ring Jooooooooeeeee Duuuuuufffffffeyyyyy!
Or Gerry Ryan's researchers might latch onto the story.
If you got a little press going it could help your case. Seems like the legal route isn't working

My sympathies OP

actually..

the GALL

carolmon wrote: »

Were you married to your daughter's mother?
Reason I'm asking is Ireland has very complicated laws in this area and married fathers have greater rights in law.

The UK has greater rights for unmarried fathers.

The father in this case decided to detain the child in the UK and seems to have been planning this for some time, he most likely got legal advice and knew how to go about it.

As another poster said the only way forward is dialogue.

This article might be of interest to you.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/northern_ireland/6988778.stm

no we weren't married.
when we (eventually)split up there was bad blood
She was stopping me seen the little one so i went to court to get guardianship, after six months probation I was granted guardian ship and visitation rights 1 month later we were back in court she patitioned to go to England and the judge let her on, his word were "The court is not stopping you from seeing your daughter you'll can still see her at times and day's, but you'll have to go to England for it"....Talk about a kick in the balls, that was eight year ago. I see her 3 times a yearish I talk to her 1/2 times a week. After eight years I still don't/can't trust her mother. How twisted is that?.....sorry for the rant, she's coming over tomorrow for a week, can't wait, I feel like a kid on christmas eve.:)

carolmon

the gall - hopefully things have changed in the last 8 years.

I really feel for the fathers who want to be involved, so many guys run for the hills!
hope the visit goes well