Torn Between 2

LegacyUser

ok,

heres my dilemma.

was with my ex for almost 6 years (no kids!!), we bought a house together 2 years ago, we broke up last sept. I was heartbroken, she started seeing someone about 8 wks after we broke up. strange thing is we stayed mates. no physical side, just friends, i dunno how i did this initially as i knew she was seeing this guy some weekends, it wasnt serious, but it wasnt me she was seeing so it still hurt, she is still involved with him but it has never proceeded beyond her meeting him once or twice a month as they live in two different places. Shes always been honest with me and told me as soon as she started seeing him.

She plays on a team and I happened to be out one night and got talking with one of her team mates and started texting etc. this went on for 6 months. Nothing happened between me and the friend, but we met for drinks a few times and clubbed a few times.

Ex got wind and got upset cos it was her mate... i didnt do it out of spite, it just happened to be her mate, not a best mate, just a girl on her sports team, but she feels she cant go back to the team now as most ppl there know me and the new mate had become friendly and flirty.

We struggled on me and the ex and still had the house and still met up and watched the odd dvd or had a drink and still nothing physical happened. she kept asking me about me and the mate and the last few weeks with the new sports season starting she's been getting her claws into me cos she cant face her sports team, she is genuinely devastated over the team connection as she is captain and good at it.

I feel really remorseful but last weekend me and0 the new girl kissed. I feel like ive done the dirt as stupid as that may sound, but cant get new girl out of my head either.ive spent last 4 nights til 1 and 2am talking with ex trying to sort things out, havent told her i kissed the girl as theres no point, she would flip completely. But now ex wants us to try and sort things out, im stunned, its all I wanted for months but now ive managed to complicate my head something serious.

Me and ex have a house and a massive history of really good times, the last year was when it went sour, some small issues we had and a few problems with location of our house, but im not seeing her the way i used to at the minute, all I can think of is new girl, but i dont want to close this chapter in my life either, im absolutely torn between trying again or moving on.

Would like your advice please?

Beruthiel

TornBetween2 wrote: »

i didnt do it out of spite, it just happened to be her mate, not a best mate, just a girl on her sports team, but she feels she cant go back to the team now as most ppl there know me and the new mate had become friendly and flirty.

Sorry, but does your ex think she can have her cake and eat it or what?
You broke up for many reasons I assume. They are still there and I wouldn't be holding any candles out on the fact that anything will come of it.
All bets are off, you're single, she has someone else and has absolutely no right whatsoever to tell you who you can and cannot see.
Tell her to fuk off and mind her own business.
This happens to be a girl on a team she plays with, not her sister.
You have every right to be happy and to see who you please, if this knocks your ex's nose out of joint, too bad, tell her get over herself.
Why you are even hesitating is beyond me. Ask the girl out at once!
That's an order.
B

RedXIV

This isn't a toughie OP,
Your ex wife is seeing you happy again and now she wants what she can't have. And while you may have been waiting for this for ages, lets be honest, you broke up once, after a VERY serious relationship. You have the chance to start anew with a new girl who you seem genuinely infatuated with. Go for it. Don't let your ex wife dictate your life, she lost claim to that the day you two broke up.

Hope this helps

Red

LegacyUser

She isnt my wife!!!
we were going out together.

We really had good times and the huge history is daunting, im always like this, cant make decisions that might hurt someone else even though it kills me to continue, she is going on hols on her own tomorrow and has never been abroad on her own, she's a wuss when it comes to looking after herself and is gutted that im not going, she did ask me but I said it wasnt the right thing to do. her friend is going to a hotel near her, but she has to stay in a room on her own every night for the week. Hols were always the best time for us, im worried about her going alone and on top of all of this im distraught over the whole situation. I must sound like a basket case but nothing is ever black and white to me, when we were in love I loved her so so much and miss that. I dont know if ill ever find love like it again.

muppetkiller

Beruthiel wrote: »

Sorry, but does your ex think she can have her cake and eat it or what?
You broke up for many reasons I assume. They are still there and I wouldn't be holding any candles out on the fact that anything will come of it.
All bets are off, you're single, she has someone else and has absolutely no right whatsoever to tell you who you can and cannot see.
Tell her to fuk off and mind her own business.
This happens to be a girl on a team she plays with, not her sister.
You have every right to be happy and to see who you please, if this knocks your ex's nose out of joint, too bad, tell her get over herself.
Why you are even hesitating is beyond me. Ask the girl out at once!
That's an order.
B

Completely agree here.

Wibbs

TornBetween2 wrote: »

We really had good times and the huge history is daunting,

History is the operative word here.

im always like this, cant make decisions that might hurt someone else even though it kills me to continue,

Well you better change that and quick as you'll end up hurting people more. You'll also hurt yourself more.

she is going on hols on her own tomorrow and has never been abroad on her own, she's a wuss when it comes to looking after herself and is gutted that im not going, she did ask me but I said it wasnt the right thing to do. her friend is going to a hotel near her, but she has to stay in a room on her own every night for the week. Hols were always the best time for us, im worried about her going alone and on top of all of this im distraught over the whole situation.

She's an adult woman so she has to do stuff like this. After all it's only holidays for gods sake. It's not as if it's something actually serious. If she acts like a child and others treat her like one then she'll never grow up. Why would you want someone that dependent anyway.

I must sound like a basket case but nothing is ever black and white to me, when we were in love I loved her so so much and miss that. I dont know if ill ever find love like it again.

YOu wont if you keep this history going. I take it she left you? OK If she did then let her leave. Put it this way if she needs you that much she shouldn't have left. As said before she wants her cake etc. Trust me, if you stick around as her friend and shoulder to cry on, sooner or later she'll jump someone else and where will you be? Nowhere, with a side order of missed options thrown in. Simple as. The past is to be learned from not to be lived in.

The G Child

Have to agree with the other posters, don't listen to the ex. She was seeing another geezer a few weeks after you broke up, I'm sure she didnt care what you thought about that. If you were to, for some unknown reason, consder taking her back, a few weeks down the line she'll probably realise she doesnt want to be with you and ditch you, ruining your chances with the new girl. Just go for it with the new girl.

Beruthiel

TornBetween2 wrote: »

We really had good times and the huge history is daunting, im always like this, cant make decisions that might hurt someone else even though it kills me to continue, she is going on hols on her own tomorrow and has never been abroad on her own, she's a wuss when it comes to looking after herself and is gutted that im not going, she did ask me but I said it wasnt the right thing to do. her friend is going to a hotel near her, but she has to stay in a room on her own every night for the week. Hols were always the best time for us, im worried about her going alone and on top of all of this im distraught over the whole situation. I must sound like a basket case but nothing is ever black and white to me, when we were in love I loved her so so much and miss that.

You miss that 'being in love thing' more than you miss her.

One thing is very, very clear to me for the above comment.
You haven't gotten over her.
The reason you haven't gotten over her is because you have stayed friends with her.
I'm telling you that you will continue to feel miserable for a much longer time if you continue to keep contact with her.

Now this may sound impossible to you, but you must cut ALL contact with her for at least 6 months.
That includes, texting, calls, e-mails etc.
Forget she exists.
When you find yourself in a place where you know you've moved on, you will then be able to call her up as a friend.
If you wish to be happy again, you must do the above.

I dont know if ill ever find love like it again.

Yes. You. Will.

Dragan

This might be harsh but i would say that YOU want to have your cake and eat it to.

If you "think you like both people and can't decide" then you don't like either of them enough to make that decision worth making.

Man up.

Aurora Borealis

If she really loved you she wouldn't let jealousy issues get in the way and that's all it seems that has her interested again. You deserve, as does everyone, someone who loves you just because they do and not because someone else might.

It's harsh but true.

daisy123

Exactly, I agree with Dragan, if you really can't make a decision, after sitting down and REALLY think about what you want, then it doesn't really matter WHAT or WHO you choose.

Vegeta

Beruthiel wrote: »

Sorry, but does your ex think she can have her cake and eat it or what?
You broke up for many reasons I assume. They are still there and I wouldn't be holding any candles out on the fact that anything will come of it.
All bets are off, you're single, she has someone else and has absolutely no right whatsoever to tell you who you can and cannot see.
Tell her to fuk off and mind her own business.
This happens to be a girl on a team she plays with, not her sister.
You have every right to be happy and to see who you please, if this knocks your ex's nose out of joint, too bad, tell her get over herself.
Why you are even hesitating is beyond me. Ask the girl out at once!
That's an order.
B

Fully agree with this post.

You are clearly a nice guy to be worrying about your ex's feelings but she has no right to be upset.

Sure her team mates know you are friendly with another player. They also know she was banging a dude 8 weeks after you broke up.

It is very very unfair of her to put your new relationship at risk because of her social insecurities.

Ask that new girl out.

cowzerp

Dragan +2

Pub07

Dragan wrote: »

This might be harsh but i would say that YOU want to have your cake and eat it to.

If you "think you like both people and can't decide" then you don't like either of them enough to make that decision worth making.

Man up.

How does he want to have his cake and eat it? He's not trying to see both girls at once, he's trying to decide which one he should try and make a go of it with.

Did you expect him to make an instantaneous decision on the spot about what to do? He obviously likes them both alot and a situation arose for him that requires alot of thought, which is what he's doing, he's hardly having his cake and eating it.

Anyway op, I would forgot about the ex, she goes off with a new guy a few weeks after she broke up with you. She'd obviously given it plenty of thought before doing breaking up, seeing as you were going out for so long. She seems have 3 issues from what I can see

1) She's very put out about this sports team thing
2) Jealous of you for finding someone new and jealous of her team mate for seeing you
3) Wants what she can't have

Getting back with you will solve all of these problems for her that's why it seems like a good idea to her at this particular time. I think its purely cos of the current situation that she wants to rekindle the relationship, do you think if you hadn't starting seeing this other girl, she'd be looking to give it another try at this time?

Dragan

Pub07 wrote: »

How does he want to have his cake and eat it? He's not trying to see both girls at once, he's trying to decide which one he should try and make a go of it with.

Did you expect him to make an instantaneous decision on the spot about what to do? He obviously likes them both alot and a situation arose for him that requires alot of thought, which is what he's doing, he's hardly having his cake and eating it.

Becuase he "kinda still likes" the ex but then the "new girl is so nice" boo hoo hoo. That tells me he is more in the mood for a relationship rather than either of the specific girls.

Having a girlfriend seems like a good idea to him, thats about it.

If either of the girls was genuinely attractive enough to him to risk it with there would be no questions, no decisions.

Jesus, am i the only person who goes with strong feelings around here? When i like a lass no one else comes close....it how i know i like them ffs.

How Strange

Dragan wrote: »

This might be harsh but i would say that YOU want to have your cake and eat it to.
If you "think you like both people and can't decide" then you don't like either of them enough to make that decision worth making.
Man up.

While I agree with what Beruthial and Wibbs are saying, I think Dragan is probably close to the mark here.

OP, why are you making your life any more complicated than it needs to be? The choices open to you are as follows-
a) get back with your ex or
b) give it a shot with the new girl

if going for b) then you have to do c) cut all contact with the ex and move on as well.

At the moment you're creating dramatics unnecessarily. You're not the first person to go through a breakup, not make a clean break of it and then can't move on. It's a classic situation.

Assuming your ex dumped you, she moved on very quickly, it didn't work out so she hedged her bets by keeping in with you (probably because she knew you were still hanging on hopefully). Nothing better has come along for her, you've met someone else whom she knows so she's thrown her toys out of the pram and now she wants to get back. All the while you're stuck in the middle like a dog who can't decide between chasing its tail or going for the bone.

So as Dragan said, make a decision and accept that whatever you decide it may be the wrong one in the longterm but at least you did something.

castie

Im in Maynooth for College and few months ago the UCC rugby team came to play a game. My Ex plays for them b ut didnt come up. The coach is also a very good friend of mine.

So i offered to show them where to go out in Maynooth. On the Thursday Night, some of the girls invited me back to where they were staying for a few drinks. Nothing at all happened yet the next day i get a phonecall screaming at me for "trying it on" with her team mates.

Ive since distanced myself even further from her.

You may still think you are friends but if she cannot see past you being happy with someone she plays a sport with (and probably doesnt even know that well) then she is only really a fair weather friend in my opinion.

CrazyNoob

Personally I'd steer clear of the ex,
She was happy to use you as an emotional crutch/friend and see the other fella, but now you have potentially another girl on the scene your ex wants you back.

I'd give the new girl a chance and see where that goes, cos the only thing I see happeneing with the ex is, you give it a go, new girl is gone, then the ex decides this isnt working and you're back to square one.

OP you need to look at for yourself and no one else if you want happiness

Sugar Drunk

How Strange wrote: »

OP, why are you making your life any more complicated than it needs to be? The choices open to you are as follows-
a) get back with your ex or
b) give it a shot with the new girl

exactly. See OP this is what tends to happen when people try to stay friends. You are watching your every move to avoid hurting your ex but what about you - Don't you deserve to be happy? If you are always in contact with your ex and making sure she is okay you may as well be going out.

I may be wrong but to me a lot of this comes across that your ex still has feelings for you and is not coping the best with the break up. I know you say she is seeing someone but it seems its never gotten beyond the start of a relationship with that guy if shes still just seeing him every so often.

I think you do need to make a decision. Obviously there are reasons you are your ex broke up and as a girl myself I think you must be a sweet guy to care about her so much still. The reasons that you broke up - are they still an issue? Is getting back together an option or is it a no go? Do you want to be with her anymore? If you want to give it another shot, you know what to do.

If you dont, then start going out with other girls. Look for your own happieness. Stay friends with you ex by all means but don't allow her to guilt you or to lean on you for support all the time, especially as a new giflfriend will most likely not be keen on you having an ex in the background all the time. Shes a big girl she will get through it herself.

I do have to say its a pity its your exs friend. Its a normal girl rule that your friends exes are out of bounds so I can understand your ex being annoyed with her. But if you really like this girl don't let it stop you asking her out. Being annoyed, while understandale is your exs emotion and your exs problem not yours

The G Child

In fairness to the OP, when your with someone for so long, its hard to turn off your feelings towards that person, especially when it probably wasn't his idea to end it. I think this could make any decision between choosing more difficult because your remembering good times with the ex (and choosing to forget the bad times) as apposed to going into the unknown with the new girl.

I still think you should bin your ex and go for it with the team mate.

corribdude

Dragan wrote: »

Becuase he "kinda still likes" the ex but then the "new girl is so nice" boo hoo hoo. That tells me he is more in the mood for a relationship rather than either of the specific girls.

Having a girlfriend seems like a good idea to him, thats about it.

If either of the girls was genuinely attractive enough to him to risk it with there would be no questions, no decisions.

Jesus, am i the only person who goes with strong feelings around here? When i like a lass no one else comes close....it how i know i like them ffs.

Well the op always liked his ex, he said he was heartbroken when they split up. But he realises that he has to get on with life so he starts seeing another girl and things are going well, as he says - "cant get new girl out of my head". Now suddenly his ex wants to get back with him. They're both "attractive enough for him", he's trying to decide which one is the best option. I dont see whats so hard to understand about the op being conflicted about this situation. Life isn't always so clear cut that there are "no questions, no decisions".

Imo, in this case, the decision is easy, tell the ex she missed her chance and to cop on to herself and stop getting making a big deal over nothing - op dating one of her team mates.

Oh and if you're going to put words in quotes, make sure it's what someone actually said, and not something you just made up - I dont know where you got "kinda still likes" "new girl is so nice" and "think you like both people and can't decide"