Tricky Situation-Advice Please and thanks!

LegacyUser

hey all , sorry about the unreg part!

ok here we go:

basically met this lovely girl about 3 months ago who has a serious illness....everything

was going good for about 2 weeks, seeing each other really often, cooking each other dinner,

going out, cinema etc etc, then she got news form the doctor sayin that she had to have an

operation, Everything then just changed, very few replys, wouldnt answer my calls! nothing,

i just couldnt figure out what was goin on until one night i basically told her i want 5

mins to have a chat,(i didnt know about the operation until this 5 min chat) she basically

broke it off stating that she wanted to concentrate on getting better(fair enough) and that

she wasnt sure whether she still had feelings for her ex boyfriend!

Since then we still text, meet up and have a laugh occasionally(whenever it kinda suits

her), i really like her and she says she really likes me but im kinda sitting in limbo!(as

in waiting for her to make a decision)! i want to support her in any way i can but i really

want to go back to the way it was too.

She has recently had the operation and it all went well and hopefully now thats it.
im just wondering what ye lot think...do i

A. completely forget her, dont contact her again
B. just be there to support her when she's down etc
C. give her time, support her, and maybe in the future something will happen but thats a big

maybe and might never happen.

my heart tells me "C" but my head tells me "A"
tricky one, just lookin for opinions on it...

thanks in advance!

barbiegirl

go with C but live your life if it's to be it'll be. She needs to concentrate on herself right now, so support her and maybe later, but don't put your life on hold, as at the end she may want something totally different.

How Strange

Advice Please wrote: »

A. completely forget her, dont contact her again
B. just be there to support her when she's down etc
C. give her time, support her, and maybe in the future something will happen but thats a big
maybe and might never happen.
my heart tells me "C" but my head tells me "A"
tricky one, just lookin for opinions on it...
thanks in advance!

OP, go for C but be realistic about where you stand. You'll be her friend. She's told you as much by saying she may still have feelings for her ex.

Whatever you do don't hang around and be supportive towards her with a view to becoming a bf at a later date. That's just going to wreck your head and upset her too.

niavie

try and support her but if you feel you can't do that forget her. it's tough trying to get over an op, good days and bad, so if you do decide to be there for her it will be hard. ultimately it's your decision though.

Overheal

I took Friend_Zone out of that to be honest. Can be crappy but, cant be helped either.

Obviously she's going through a lot recently with whatever this operation is for and an ex-boyfriend she's not over either: and thats the key bit. You cant start a new relationship before you are over the last.

Just play the tune, really, is all I can say. Given your options I would probably choose B or A. I've been in the C situation: it hurts. A lot. You do yourself no favors by letting her keep the front-door-key to You. Distance is beneficial here, really.

Try going with A. If she comes to you to talk; sure, humour her if it feels right. Just don't string yourself along.

Nerin

id go with a d option. count out going out with her, but be there as a friend if she needs you.
serious illness/ thoughts of dying make people unstable. what you need it would seem is someone with less baggage, and her as just a friend.
only my opinion.

good luck though.

Wallflower1980

Give her time to heal physically and when it feels right have a proper conversation about what you want out of the relationship. Stay friends if you can but this may not always be possible.

MagicMarker

I'd go with A myself..

Carrigart Exile

Advice Please wrote: »

hey all , sorry about the unreg part!

ok here we go:

basically met this lovely girl about 3 months ago who has a serious illness....everything

was going good for about 2 weeks, seeing each other really often, cooking each other dinner,

going out, cinema etc etc, then she got news form the doctor sayin that she had to have an

operation, Everything then just changed, very few replys, wouldnt answer my calls! nothing,

i just couldnt figure out what was goin on until one night i basically told her i want 5

mins to have a chat,(i didnt know about the operation until this 5 min chat) she basically

broke it off stating that she wanted to concentrate on getting better(fair enough) and that

she wasnt sure whether she still had feelings for her ex boyfriend!

Since then we still text, meet up and have a laugh occasionally(whenever it kinda suits

her), i really like her and she says she really likes me but im kinda sitting in limbo!(as

in waiting for her to make a decision)! i want to support her in any way i can but i really

want to go back to the way it was too.

She has recently had the operation and it all went well and hopefully now thats it.
im just wondering what ye lot think...do i

A. completely forget her, dont contact her again
B. just be there to support her when she's down etc
C. give her time, support her, and maybe in the future something will happen but thats a big

maybe and might never happen.

my heart tells me "C" but my head tells me "A"
tricky one, just lookin for opinions on it...

thanks in advance!

A - right now she has her cake and she's eating it. Let her ex do the supporting role, you get on with your life.

CathyMoran

I would go for C, when you have a major illness your head is all over the place. She needs all the friends that she can get at the moment and at some stage in the future who knows. I also agree though that you should get on with your own life.

Reku

It'll be hard for you but if you really care about the girl I'd go with "C". You say she has been seriously ill and has now been told that she needs an operation, from that I would assume that her condition is life threatening. Having the realisation of one's mortality thrown at you like that can have funny effects on people, they can start to act differently all of a sudden. It could even be that she's trying to protect you and doesn't want you worrying about her or suffering should were she to die. Wait it out and maybe she'll go back to her old self, but at the same time, just as if she were anyone else, don't feel you have to do more than you're comfortable with to support her, you have your needs too, if you find your heart letting go you don't have to cling to the feelings you had, you can be just as supportive as a friend.

Judes

Another "C" - it sounds like at the beginning she was making excuses re. her feelings - possibly as a way to protect you i.e. take the pressure off you, feeling you had to be there with her throughout everything. She may have been afraid you'd only be with her out of sympathy and if it was a very serious operation she really has to sort herself out first both physically and mentally. So I think she was very strong saying what she did to you, it would have been the easiest thing in the world for her to have you running around and fussing over her.

Stay her friend - support her - if it's meant to be, then in time it will. But you also have to take care of yourself - because there is an awful lot of pressure on the partner of somebody who is recovering from an illness and at times that person is forgotten. Trying to smile all the time and be positive for a person in recovery is not always easy. Best of luck and I really hope it works out well for you both - but be a friend first. J X

tbh

C is not an option because you cannot separate C from B. In other words, she's told you she's not romantically interested, you are going to have to take her at her word. It's going to be very difficult for you not to put pressure on her (well meaning tho it may be) and honestly, she doesn't need that in her life at the moment. This is a case where if you really like her, you'll put her needs over yours. If you want to stay in contact, then be really friendly whenever she calls you, but don't call her. For your sake and hers.

RedXIV

tbh wrote: »

C is not an option because you cannot separate C from B. In other words, she's told you she's not romantically interested, you are going to have to take her at her word. It's going to be very difficult for you not to put pressure on her (well meaning tho it may be) and honestly, she doesn't need that in her life at the moment. This is a case where if you really like her, you'll put her needs over yours. If you want to stay in contact, then be really friendly whenever she calls you, but don't call her. For your sake and hers.

+1

If the girl has mentioned the fact she's thinking about someone else, she's not going to commit to you. It sucks but it's a fact. If you really like this girl then the best i can recommend is be there for her as a friend but go on with your own social life. If you can come accross as the friend in her life having the most fun, that in itself will be attractive to her and you may yet salvage this. Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

Hey,
thanks guys and gals your replys, great to get your thaughts on it.
i will continue to support her if she needs it, maybe something will happen, maybe not, i aint putting pressure on her, she needs to concentrate on getting back to 100% health first and yep i got to look after myself too!!!

thanks again

Red Hand

Be there as a friend. I'd agree with tba.