Sexually inexperienced dude

LegacyUser

Hi everybody. Am a frequent poster but going unreg for this.

I am a guy in my late 20s and have just begun a relationship with this girl. This is only my 2nd serious relationship.

I have just started dating this girl and we haven't slept together yet....but I am pretty worried when that time comes.

Despited being in my late 20s I am sexually inexperienced. Like I said, my last serious relationship was 5 years ago. It was a short (4 months) relationship, and is also long distance, so the amount of times I've slept with her I can count with both hands! Since then ( 5 years ) I had about 2 one night stands ,last being a year ago. So, you see, I never really had much sex.

Her last relationship, on the other hand, lasted 4 years, with 3 more serious relationships before that. I can only assumed that she is WAY more experienced than I am.

So, I'm quiet anxious when we finally ' do it '. Not only I am inexperienced, I am also a bit smaller than average..u know...'down there' (not sure how important is that though).

So is there anything I can do, to somehow bring down her expectations a bit. Should I just come clean, and say that 'I'm not very good/inexperienced at this'? She is a great girl. Incredibly beautiful, I cannot believe how lucky I am to be dating her, but I really dont want to disappoint her in bed.

Any advice guys/gals? Thanks.

LurkingLady

First off, I'm sure you will not disappoint her as long as you're gentle and caring and genuinely interested in pleasing her as much as yourself. Women are generally not as obsessed with sex as men are (sorry for generalising). I'm not saying sex doesn't matter to us women, I'm just saying it's not the be all end all for us. Personally - and I know a lot of girls feel the same way - I'd swap 20 minutes of mind-blowing sex for an evening of cuddles and caresses in a heartbeat

Second of all, talk to her - she'll be happy you trust her enough not to pretend to be a macho and admit to not being perfect. Imperfections are attractive, OP

And finally, there's a great book out there - Eureka Street it is called - one of the main characters' method of seduction is to tell women he's crap in bed. Works like a charm ! Read it - it might boost your confidence! :D

Good luck OP, and congrats on finding someone you want to share your intimate life with

trishw78

talk to her does she know that you've only had one serious relationship before. If she's the woman for you it won't matter, besides the only way you can get better is with practice and when you have that conversation with her. you can both get practicing

RealistSpy

Talk 2 her and tell her you not a pro. One step at a time you will get there its all about being relaxed and if things dont work well don't beat yourself up.

Affable

Just relax a bit, it's only sex and it sounds to me like you've had as much as many people.

Big Chief

LurkingLady wrote: »

First off, I'm sure you will not disappoint her as long as you're gentle and caring and genuinely interested in pleasing her as much as yourself. Women are generally not as obsessed with sex as men are (sorry for generalising). I'm not saying sex doesn't matter to us women, I'm just saying it's not the be all end all for us. Personally - and I know a lot of girls feel the same way - I'd swap 20 minutes of mind-blowing sex for an evening of cuddles and caresses in a heartbeat

Second of all, talk to her - she'll be happy you trust her enough not to pretend to be a macho and admit to not being perfect. Imperfections are attractive, OP

And finally, there's a great book out there - Eureka Street it is called - one of the main characters' method of seduction is to tell women he's crap in bed. Works like a charm ! Read it - it might boost your confidence! :D

Good luck OP, and congrats on finding someone you want to share your intimate life with

maybe its just the majority of the female friends i am very very close with but i find pretty much all of them wouldn't share this opinion. Sure they love the cuddles and all im not saying that isnt true. But inability to make them orgasm would give them doubts.

Fear not, im not saying everything is doomed to failure, far from it actually.

Communication is the key and being open with her, tell her that she does mean alot and that you would like to satisfy her in every way you can and ask her questions about what works best for her, im generally against taking the 'insecure' route of "im not that good" which would turn the best of people off but instead be more confident in your actions.

The majority of women are different and even for people who are experienced if someone means alot to you, communication is what makes everything 'perfect' in the bedroom and being open with each other about what will work to bring each other to orgasm and give the pleasure that both ultimately are looking for. Like i say every woman is different, presumption is the mother of all fu** ups, ask any chic and she will tell you the same. Ask her what you can do for her and what works for her is my opinion like stated above

""Imperfections are attractive, OP ""

Maybe so, but insecure and lack of confidence generally is not from my experience

any personally i'd rather have an evening of cuddles then the mind blowing sex afterwards

best of luck to OP, im sure you wont need it though if you know whats right in your own heart and head

RedXIV

Communication. It's often the most neglected thing in any realtionship problem. And i can promise you if you know anyone in a good relationship they will have good communication.

Big Chief's paragraph on communication in the bedroom is pretty much what i was going to post here, they worst thing you can do is presume you know what you're doing and barge in there ready to drill holes and spasm. ASK her what she likes, it's daunting, agreed, terrifying for some but it always leads to far more satisfaction in the long run.

MikeHoncho

Sex and The City and the media have alot to answer for. There is way too much pressure / emphasis being placed on male performance and this is leading to a lack of confidence in men sexually. Sex is a two way thing and is something you will both need to work on together. Just because you are inexperienced doesnt mean you cant learn quickly if she is willing to communicate with you.

Rev Hellfire

Totally agree with Mike above, people seem to forget that there're two people involved and get wrapped up worrying about the other person too much.

As for building up the nerve, well there's nothing wrong with a bit of Dutch courage, a couple of drinks between you should loosen the inhabitations and trousers hopefully.

RedXIV

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

As for building up the nerve, well there's nothing wrong with a bit of Dutch courage, a couple of drinks between you should loosen the inhabitations and trousers hopefully.

lol, make sure you get the balance in this right. couple of drinks for dutch courage, grand. Enough drink to stun an elephant, not a good plan

McGinty

Hi Op

I can appreciate how nervous you feel but I have been with 'inexperienced' men and I use inverted commas because they were all fantastic lovers because they were open about that fact and I believe women should tell a man what she likes. Encourage your girlfriend to tell you what she likes, when you are doing something ask her does she like it like that and listen to her. Hopefully she will be open to talking sexually, by saying what turns her on. I've learned that clear communication is crucial to a loving sex life not performance, and as for your size, you might think your smaller than average and I know for me size does not matter. Finally as far as I know every woman likes a lot of touching and fussing.

LegacyUser

McGinty wrote: »

they were all fantastic lovers because they were open

In any sexual relationship, you are starting off anew with each partner (especially long term relastionships) because just as you need to get to know a person socially, you get to know them personally, then you get to know thm sexually. Each couple finds how it works for them. So what works for me-and-Jim, may not work for me-and-Tom. Learn each others bodies. Explore. Be open. Talk. Laugh. Enjoy!

eddie.fandango

Janeymac1 wrote: »

Learn each others bodies. Explore. Be open. Talk. Laugh. Enjoy!

Excellent advice. But try to keep the communication positive! Don't keep asking "Am I doing this right" etc, that's gonna spoil the mood a little, and conveys lack of confidence.

Bottle_of_Smoke

In my experience technique doesn't really matter that much, its all about how attracted/how much you like your partner.

Google something like "teen porn", and watch as many previews as you can, *not* for technique, just so you have a good idea of what her downstairs is gonna look like. They vary. That can be a major stumbling block if you've had a small amount of partners.

If you can get her to shave it will probably help you too.

Talliesin

Inexperienced wrote: »

I can only assumed that she is WAY more experienced than I am.

Maybe. On the other hand experience is more a quality than quantity thing, so it's hard to say.

Inexperienced wrote: »

I am also a bit smaller than average..u know...'down there' (not sure how important is that though).

Not much. Also quite a few men tend to have a poor idea of what average is judging from this forum.

The two main advantages of being "well endowed" are; aesthetics (of little value since people have generally formed an opinion as to your aesthetic appeal before they see it), and the effect upon confidence of what you think about it's size. Unfortunately you don't have the second advantage which is a shame, though over-confidence is just as bad. The good news is that this can be overcome soon enough.

Inexperienced wrote: »

So is there anything I can do, to somehow bring down her expectations a bit.

Down from what? Have you been telling her that you paid your way through college by being a gigolo sought after for prowess that made you famous amongst the more adventurous of the ladies who lunch?

Otherwise there's no need.

Giving her a realistic idea of your level of experience is a good idea. Not to "manage expectations" but because openness about where you are coming from is part of the openness that will in itself be the biggest part of building a great sex life together.

Inexperienced wrote: »

Any advice guys/gals? Thanks.

Remember that she has exactly the same amount of experience at having sex with her that you have at having sex with her.

There is a certain amount you can learn about sexual technique that is likely to apply generally (like the sort of thing I wrote [post=52297817]here[/post] and [post=54192509]here[/post], no point repeating myself) and like any creative skill you will develop your talents and fluency and find your own style as you practice. For all of that though, when it's good it involves a degree of communication and even when the attachment is casual it is something about the two of you.

Take things slow. For a start that's a good matter of technique in itself, but for another it gives you space to let your confidence build. Start somewhere public so you can't go too far, but can caress, kiss, or even just gently stroke her inner arm just above the wrist across a restaurant table. Don't rush to be naked or for her to be naked; enjoy how sexy she looks in her clothes because you'll have plenty of time to enjoy how sexy she looks out of them later.

At each stage of déshabillé enjoy the visual, the tactile and the olfactory delights on offer. Don't worry too much about doing this because some guy on the Internet said it'll be better for her, but just for itself (you're meant to enjoy it too after all). Enjoy the taste of her skin near her neck and her sex responding to this. Enjoy the sounds with which she reacts.

Concentrate on savouring it rather than on "doing" things and you'll automatically be giving her a lot of attention, as well as getting more from it yourself.

Enjoy.

castie

The fact that she has had long term relationships also means that she has only had sexual relations with a small pool of people.

Since every person is different she may also be worried about satisfying you.

Just talk it out. The best fun is learning what works for each other and trying out new things, dont be too nervous just enjoy your time together.

Were not on this planet for long so why worry about something that you could otherwise get great enjoyment out of.

panda100

Inexperienced wrote: »

Should I just come clean, and say that 'I'm not very good/inexperienced at this'?
.

Honestly,I dont think anyone is ever 'not very good' in bed. When It comes to sex I really dont think more experience=better.

I would definatly tell her about your worries though.Its best to be open about these things and you'll probably enjoy yourself much more without all this anxiety and pressure.

Talliesin

panda100 wrote: »

Honestly,I dont think anyone is ever 'not very good' in bed.

Sadly, some people are not very good. Some people are worse than not very good.

panda100 wrote: »

When It comes to sex I really dont think more experience=better.

Agreed. It helps, but not as much as other things.

panda100 wrote: »

I would definatly tell her about your worries though.Its best to be open about these things and you'll probably enjoy yourself much more without all this anxiety and pressure.

Yep.