Totally confused and unsure.

LegacyUser

I'm in a bit of a quandry, and decided to go unreged for it. I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months now. At the start, everything seemed to be going well. We hung out a lot, had a great laugh, and I really felt I was onto a winner. However, in the last week and a half, things have started to go sour.

The girl I'm seeing (we're both 26) has never been in a relationship before. Not one that's lasted longer than a few weeks anyway. Last week, she started telling me she wanted to take a step back and reassess because this is a brand new thing for her. She's totally unsure of herself and is freaked out, so she says. We had a long talk about it last week and she said it was down to her hormones playing havok with her since it was that time. Her words. So I was fine with it and we moved on. She went home for the weekend (not from where I live) so we didn't see each other all weekend. However she did ring and text and told me she couldn't wait to see me and she'd rush home on Sunday so she could spend some time with me before work on Monday.
She couldn't make it back on time on Sunday, so I didn't get to see her. Which is fine by me. Bad timing and all that. No biggie. So she asked if I could meet her yesterday for lunch. So I went into town and met her and while it was a little strained since our chat last week, it was fine otherwise. But then, as we were finishing up, she tells me again she needs her space and doesn't want to see or hear from me til the end of the week. But she tells me not to worry about it and we're fine.

And then I get text messages and emails from her. To be honest, I'm totally confused and completely unsure of what to do. I've been in relationships before. Admitedly, this is the first relationship I've had in a few years. But in those relationships I did have, I've never encountered a situation like this. In some ways, this girl is exactly what I'm looking for in a partner. She can be fun, she's very smart, beautiful. But in other ways, I'm just not happy with the way things are going. She's not very affectionate, and sometimes when I go to kiss her, her response makes me feel like it disgusts her. Believe me, it's not like I'm forcing my tongue down her throat in public or anything like that. But a kiss hello/goodbye or sometimes when I go to hold her hand, she's totally cold to it and pulls away. This, added to the whole 'wanna be with you... need my space' thing is just making me wonder what's going on with the whole thing.

I dunno what to do. I lost a lot of sleep over this in the last two nights, and I'm feeling pretty low about it. She says, for her, this time will pass. She's just getting used to having someone in her life. But for me, it makes me feel like there's a bit of a problem. It's early days I'll admit, so I guess I'm asking, can I get passed this and can we settle into a happy relationship? Isthis early days jitters which should pass? Has anyone experienced something like this before? I really dont want to lose this girl. But I really just want to be happy in a relationship. Thanks for taking the time to read. I know this is a bit long-winded.

RedXIV

Hey OP,

This is not an easy thing to decipher, there are so many things that I've been thinking "could it be..?"
But the bottom line here is that you're not happy. That defeats the purpose of a relationship. Now while i agree that everyone is entitled to their space and feelings, I wouldn't be happy with someone constantly telling me that they don't want to see me for a full week. Thats not how you get used to a relationship.

If i were in your shoes, i'd tell her that if she wants the week to think to herself, grand but after that could we please get back to normal? Explain that the point of being in relationship is to be comfortable in each others company and if she's not, then you have problems.

I wish i could give better advice on this one but i'm genuinely stumped at her behaviour. I wish you the best of luck though OP

Red

melon_collie

I can understand your situation totally because I was in a similar situation myself. The fact of the matter is, you have only been with this girl for 2 months. How well do you actually know her??? What I mean is, do you know much about her past? From the sound of it, it is quite possible that things that have happened in her past are stopping her from getting too close to you. That has been my experience. If I was to offer you advice then I would say: Give her time. If you like her as much as you say you do well them you need to have some patience. Ask her if she's ok, build up a bond of trust, let her know that you're there for her. Things may not be that easy for her as regards getting serious with a guy. Let her know that she can talk to you at any time. But she needs to open up to you.

I hope this helps

whiskeyman

OriginalPoster wrote: »

I'm just not happy with the way things are going. She's not very affectionate, and sometimes when I go to kiss her, her response makes me feel like it disgusts her. .... she's totally cold to it and pulls away. This, added to the whole 'wanna be with you... need my space' thing is just making me wonder what's going on with the whole thing.

I dunno what to do. I lost a lot of sleep over this in the last two nights, and I'm feeling pretty low about it.

Like what RedXIV said, the fact you've said you're not happy in the relationship means a lot.

One of my exs sounds just like your girl now. Like you, I thought she was perfect for me in so many ways, but she wasn't at all affectionate and it was so hard to 'read' her if things were going ok. After 6 months, we both realised we were just both great friends that tried to go further, but there was no real love there. It was so hard to see at the time, but it all makes sense now looking back. She didn't feel 'close to me' and it hurt me bad. I should mention, she broke up with me - I couldn't do it and wanted it 'to work' or something to happen. This is the affect it can have.

I'm currently in a relationship for just over a year now. It's been the best of my life. My g/f is very affectionate and always makes me feel loved. It's the best feeling ever and makes me realise how weird and unsuitable the other relationship was. This is what you should be experiencing (you want, I presume?). I'd be seriously wary of letting things continue the way their going if you're not happy with it.
If you're prepared to give the girl time as suggested by the previous poster, be sure you know where you stand.

Best of luck

Deadalus

I've been in a similar relationship years ago. Basically it started with her saying she is not used to being in relationships and needs time to adjust and all. She was still saying this 6 months into the relationship!!! Anyway she used it as a way for taking breaks and having me waiting to hear from her and being worried if we are breaking up all the time. Basically she used it as a way of controlling the relationship. One day she did it and I had enough and broke up with her right there and then. She didn't know how to handle it was still asking me to get back with her 2 months later. So my opinion is that she is using this as a method of control and maintain a sort of dominance in the relationship. Put a stop to it right now and tell her this can't continue and you are either with me 100% committed or we are not together at all.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies, guys. I'm not ready to bail on the relationship just yet. I understand that it's new for her, and if this week off or whatever helps her to settle into the whole thing, then that's fine by me. But I do think that if this continues, or happens again, I don't think I'll be able to continue feeling so confused and unsure, as I feel now.

As for the affection thing. Yeah, it is important to me. I don't need to be stroked or held all the time. Far from it. But pulling away, or being a bit cold when I show her affection isn't good at all. I'll talk to her about it, and hopefully she'll warm to it. Every relationship needs work, and believe me, compared to one of my previous relationships, this is child's play! But it's also damn confusing at times.

Aurora Borealis

Deadalus wrote: »

I've been in a similar relationship years ago. Basically it started with her saying she is not used to being in relationships and needs time to adjust and all. She was still saying this 6 months into the relationship!!! Anyway she used it as a way for taking breaks and having me waiting to hear from her and being worried if we are breaking up all the time. Basically she used it as a way of controlling the relationship. One day she did it and I had enough and broke up with her right there and then. She didn't know how to handle it was still asking me to get back with her 2 months later. So my opinion is that she is using this as a method of control and maintain a sort of dominance in the relationship. Put a stop to it right now and tell her this can't continue and you are either with me 100% committed or we are not together at all.

+1
And that's having seen it from both sides. If she doesn't want the same as you or isn't willing to meet you halfway then you're not meant to be together. Simple as unfortunately.

Sugar Drunk

what they just said. She cant have it both ways - texting and emailing when she feels like it and telling you to leave her be when she doesnt!
Tell her you like her but that she needs to be straight with you and stop messing around. You might get a nice surprise she might respect you more for it! and the prospect of losing you might wake her up a bit as at the moment she always has control so take it back.
You could always play her at her own game but to be honest I wouldnt im not really into playing mind games id rather be honest

my mate had a bf who did this control game for years it was a joke when he wanted a break he would tell her not to ring him for a week and she would. what he needed was for her to tell him to get stuffed but it never happened

tinkletoes

To be honest the first six months of a relationship are supposed to be the blissful months where you feel like she is the one- after that you have the odd quarrels and have to work abit harder but if you're already unsure,its not going to get any easier!! She probably is used to running away from fellas after a few weeks and is doing the same with you. I think she has commitment issues she needs to deal with and its up to you to decide if she is worth the effort. I personally would hate to be with someone who isn't affectionate, that would turn me off her immediately but again you have to continue this relationship with your eyes open!! Be careful a heart is not something to throw into anything.