a short story, (c.800 words) would be interested in feedback

McGinty

Hi All

I have had a creative surge of late, and have finished this short story, I would be interested in anyone's viewpoints, thanks for reading -

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For Sale: baby shoes, never worn

Johnny stood back to look at his technicolour poster whilst a young girl placed it up on the shop window. The shop assistant smiled at him and mouthed “is that ok?”
Johnny nodded approvingly and walked away. Later that day, Marcia Gomez and her husband Eric spotted the advertisement. “Isn’t that the O’Reilly household honey?” Marcia enquired. Eric shrugged his shoulders in his usual non-committal way.
Marcia sighed “I’m sure they’re on vacation right now and didn’t Fanny have the baby just a few months ago?” Again Eric shrugged. Dropping all former plans, Marcia stipulated that they should go to the O’Reilly yard sale.

The sun rose majestically the following day. Johnny was pleased because he worried all night that it might rain. At one o’clock Johnny set up three tables. On the first table he methodically laid out his old kindergarten and baby books, paying careful attention to the alignment of them. Good presentation meant better sales. Johnny read that on the internet. On the second table he placed four containers each full of action men toys, Yu-Gi-Yoh cards (he was bound to get a lot of money for those), a collection of Simpson characters (it pained him to sell these but he was on a mission) and finally all his soft cuddly toys. On the final table were a collection of baby clothes and four sets of baby shoes. All the dresses and shoes were new and unworn. Johnny laid the pink, white and pale lemon dresses on the right hand side and the four sets of baby designer shoes on the left hand side. Using a thick black marker whilst he drank his Grandma’s homemade lemonade, Johnny carefully wrote out the prices for each of the items. He had researched this information on e-bay and was confident he would make a lot of money. Two o’clock arrived and Johnny saw that his colourful posters had generated a lot of interest. Lots of boys and girls dragged their reluctant parents to his yard sale. Business was brisk, so Johnny did not notice Marcia and Eric Gomez browsing amongst the baby goods. Johnny was so busy he had to employ another little girl to help him. Using his negotiation skills, he convinced her that $1 was an excellent wage and there were a hundred other kids who would work for less. The girl conceded under his majestic logic. Johnny was pleased that she managed to sell all the baby goods for $10 without any screw ups. At the end of the sale, Johnny made a profit of $48.50. Johnny was satisfied; he was ready for the second part of his plan.

John, Fanny and Lisa returned home the following day. The aroma of cinnamon bread welcomed them. Upstairs, Johnny heard his parents talking with Grandma O’Reilly. Johnny picked up his knapsack and wallet full of money. He walked determinedly down the stairs towards his parents. He eyed Lisa with disapproval as she mewled in her mother’s arms. Convinced he had made the right decision, he was about to speak to his parents when the doorbell rang. Marcia and Eric Gomez stood at the doorstep with three full bags. Marcia smiled when she saw Lisa and she asked to speak with Fanny privately, so both women went into the kitchen. Eric and John talked politely about the weather and the Boston Red Sox’s. Johnny began to fidget. When his Grandma offered him a cinnamon bun, he shook his head dolefully. He could hear his mom and Mrs. Gomez laughing loudly in the kitchen. When Eric and Marcia left, Fanny called Johnny into the living room and asked “why did you sell Lisa’s stuff Johnny?”

Johnny shrugged his shoulders; he learned that from Eric.
“Marcia told me about the yard sale Johnny. I only allowed you to sell your own toys, not Lisa’s things. Have you become jealous of your new baby sister? You were so pumped up when she was first born. What’s changed little man?”
Johnny stared at the floor. He did not want to discuss his icky sister. Why didn’t mom call her Maggie, at least Maggie is cool. Lisa is such a nerd. Johnny regretted selling his Simpson characters, although he kept Maggie secreted in his pocket. Some dufus had paid him $2 for the Lisa character.
“What’s with the knapsack Johnny?” his mom interjected.
Johnny was ready for this question.
“I’m leaving home mom. I’m a big boy now. You and Dad say this all the time and I have $48.50 so I can afford to take care of myself,” Johnny announced.
Fanny began laughing. It all made sense to her now but there was one question she needed to ask. “Did you sell all your Simpson stuff?”
Johnny replied proudly, “Uh huh,”
“Wow, you are grown up to do that. You even sold Maggie?”
Johnny fidgeted and twisted his chubby little fingers around the strap of his knapsack.
“Maybe I should’ve called Lisa Maggie, huh?” Fanny enquired.
“You always did like Lisa Simpson better than Maggie,” Johnny protested.
Fanny ruffled his hair and said “you owe me the money for Lisa’s clothes and shoes.”
Johnny scowled as he slowly extracted $10 from his wallet.

Wantobe

Liked the idea and I thought the use of dialogue was good. I think perhaps there were too many characters for such a short story which made it a little confusing on the first read. Do you read aloud your stories after you have written them? It can be really useful to do this.

Monkey61

Hi,

I'll try not to be overly critical about this but it is very difficult.

First of all - what was the point of this story? I think I might have missed something really big because all I got from this was American boy loves The Simpsons (especially Maggie), dislikes his baby sister so sells her clothes along with his own possessions to get money to run away.

- Why was it set in America?

I agree with the previous poster advising you to read your work out loud because this was very clunky and did not read well.

The main problem being the lack of depth or story. This didn't work on any other layer of meaning other than the superficial. There really was no point to it.

I really don't know what to say. It was just astonishing pointless. How did you come up with this idea and think it was good?

On a more positive note though, you could try and use this story and write it entirely differently and perhaps go for either humour or darkness.

el_tiddlero

Monkey61 wrote: »

How did you come up with this idea and think it was good?

The title of this piece: "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn" is a short story by Hemmingway written to show that you can write a story in just 6 words. I think it was a bet he had with someone else.
I'd imagine the OP knows this and decided to write a story with this title. Not the worst idea in the world, but certainly not the greatest either.

Black Swan

Now that you have a creative idea in rough draft form, you might want to consider paragraph reconstruction (of course, with due consideration for your style and voice)?

Insect Overlord

This sort of story would be considered inspired if a 6th Class child wrote it, perhaps might even get a Junior Cert writer an A grade, but for an adult audience I think it falls short.

el_tiddlero wrote: »

The title of this piece: "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn" is a short story by Hemmingway written to show that you can write a story in just 6 words. I think it was a bet he had with someone else.
I'd imagine the OP knows this and decided to write a story with this title. Not the worst idea in the world, but certainly not the greatest either.

+1
The use of that line in the title really hooked my attention. I expected a far more poignant story to follow it. As it happens, I was left disappointed.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate how you took a famous quote and brought it in a very different direction. That takes a bit of vision. However, the silliness of the story itself takes away from this positive.

Monkey61 wrote: »

- Why was it set in America?

...The main problem being the lack of depth or story. This didn't work on any other layer of meaning other than the superficial. There really was no point to it.

I really don't know what to say. It was just astonishing pointless. How did you come up with this idea and think it was good?

On a more positive note though, you could try and use this story and write it entirely differently and perhaps go for either humour or darkness.

When I first read this comment I thought it was a little harsh, but ultimately I have to agree with it. Unless you actually wrote the story to entertain a child, it does seem a bit pointless. There's no grand revelation, no real hidden meaning or even a bit of social commentary.

Blue_Lagoon wrote: »

Now that you have a creative idea in rough draft form, you might want to consider paragraph reconstruction (of course, with due consideration for your style and voice)?

To end on a positive note, I think Blue's suggestion is a good one. You do have a good base upon which to write a much stronger story. Your opening post just isn't the finished article. With some revision, a bit of reconstruction and a little added depth you could definitely make something special out of the story.