Untitled Poem

Memnoch

First poem I've written in a long time... can't think of a decent title for it though. Feedback welcome.

And all the rocks came tumbling down
Wrenching inwards that crumbling sound,
Man and stone and metal implode
Who shares the burden? Who bears the load?

And while the rising dust disperse
piercing night with melancholy verse,
Ache and fear and foreboding dawn
What waxing chaos the desperate spawn?

And all the world did shake it's head
Revelling grim rituals of counting dead,
A child's and mother's and father's plight
What human sin could summon such blight?

And while the falling dust descend
Tomorrow's catastrophe: a new god send,
Struggle and fate and orphans alive,
Delusions of hope to let man survive.

Insect Overlord

Very powerful, I like it. There's a few grammatical errors (eg "rising dust disperse") but you've obviously used poetic license there, so it works quite well.

As for a title, may I suggest the phrase from the final verse, "Tomorrow's Catastrophe"?

Memnoch

An Fhile wrote: »

Very powerful, I like it. There's a few grammatical errors (eg "rising dust disperse") but you've obviously used poetic license there, so it works quite well.

As for a title, may I suggest the phrase from the final verse, "Tomorrow's Catastrophe"?

Thanks, glad you liked it.

Good suggestion about the title, will definately keep it in mind.

I have taken (a lot of) liberties with the language, but it is intentional and with specific intent, though I can see how some people might feel put off by it.

davyjose

I liked it too. I'm not too au fait with poetry, but i enjoyed that.

Memnoch wrote: »

I can see how some people might feel put off by it.

Do not let this attitude affect you and how you write though. If you have your own style, it's more important to nurture that first, then you can deal with the easy stuff, like grammar.

rebeldiamond

Hey there!
I really liked it, well done! I read a lot of poetry & write a bit myself (just posted 1st one here tonight!), and I can totally understand how hard it can be to "title" them!
I was thinking that maybe "Delusions Of Hope" would be a good title for it?
But thats only if you want it to be titled after a phrase in the poem? Sometimes, I do that but other times I dont want to do that? I guess it depends on how you see the poem?
But I really do like it & hope you post some more!

i-digress

I really liked it, especially the third verse. Really excellent, well done