messed up

littleknown

hi, im looking for some advice. ive been going out with my gfriend whom i love for several years now. a girl who i used to work with came on to me one night several months back but nothing happened. i hadnt seen her since really until last weekend when a group of my friends went out drinking and she was with them. everyone got pretty drunk including the two of us. basically at the end of the night we kissed. she came on to me and i couldnt resist it. the next day and now i feel terrible. i have never cheated before and feel like i should say something to my girlfriend although im sure she will go mental. any advice? should i keep it to myself? to be honest i cant believe i could be so stupid. i also think others may have seen us which just makes the whole thing worse. really appreciate some feedback.

Gemini Sister

littleknown wrote: »

hi, im looking for some advice. ive been going out with my gfriend whom i love for several years now. a girl who i used to work with came on to me one night several months back but nothing happened. i hadnt seen her since really until last weekend when a group of my friends went out drinking and she was with them. everyone got pretty drunk including the two of us. basically at the end of the night we kissed. she came on to me and i couldnt resist it. the next day and now i feel terrible. i have never cheated before and feel like i should say something to my girlfriend although im sure she will go mental. any advice? should i keep it to myself? to be honest i cant believe i could be so stupid. i also think others may have seen us which just makes the whole thing worse. really appreciate some feedback.

Have not read all the thread but here goes:

Say nothing. Do't do it again. Thats an easy problem you have. Be glad

Gemini Sister

BTW the others you work will never say anything. Just don't act guilty.

Night x


P.S. Unless you are getting all complicated and confused aboout how you can be with someone and yet attracted to someone else... in which case get over it. All is good in the hood right now with you and your missus right? A snog is a snog is a snog and doesn't necessary mean so much to a single person...

The solution.... IT NEVER HAPPNED ('wasn't me...':D)

ballybay_eh

If questioned about it reply:

"Kiss? What kiss? What's a kiss?"

No one will suspect a thing.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

How sure are you that she'll go mental? If you've been together seven years, there must be something stable holding the relationship together and a snog shouldn't be strong enough to destroy it.

The other question is: did any mutal friends see you? If so, then I'd say fess up because it'll be better coming from you than from someone else. Not only that, if she does hear it from someone else, it'll hurt more and she'll wonder what else you got up to that you got away with (and assume the worst).

My reaction? Talk. You sould like a conscientius person, and this will eat at you until you do. And like I said, your relaitionship should be strong enough to withstand it.

RedXIV

While it goes against moral fibre, if you were drunk, then don't say a word. BUT ONLY if you really want to stay with your current gf and it isn't gonna happen again. You have the drunk excuse if anyone mentions it. I still don't like it but if you want a relatively easy life, forget and move on

Colonel_McCoy

Say nothing..............forget about it. .....If you can remember it then it didnt happen

Placebo

criminal : tells
criminals guilty conscience is gone
victim : horrified
criminals feels worse, victims emotions are now real and not just part of his conscience
victim : cant trust
criminal : but 7 years?
victim: ok
criminal works at rebuilding trust

time to rebuild trust : 1 year? 2 year? 7 years?
victim = will never forget.


dont tell, and dont do it again, silly person !

Bluebells

Im not sure what you should do, but if she finds out from someone else it would hurt and humiliate her more than if it came from you. People in work saw you so its a high risk. Every time you go out together you'll dread bumping into someone from work thats maybe had a few too many.

littleknown

thanks for the advice, it kind of gets more complicated. this week we are all meant to go for dinner together. which means we will all be around the same table. this could get pretty tricky. should i avoid the dinner. ive already said i might not go to my girlfriend but she seems pretty disappointed as she wanted to go. it all just seems a bit too much too soon for me. what do you think?

NoQuarter

just go and suffer through it, if nobody says anything this time then they never will and your in the clear

Seonad

I'd want to know if it were me

jellie

id want to know too.

but just to say, its not something thats easy for someone to forget. while sometimes you can understand drunkenness etc., it doesnt cancel out the image of someone else kissing your bf.

all the stars

littleknown wrote: »

hi, im looking for some advice. ive been going out with my gfriend whom i love for several years now. a girl who i used to work with came on to me one night several months back but nothing happened. i hadnt seen her since really until last weekend when a group of my friends went out drinking and she was with them. everyone got pretty drunk including the two of us. basically at the end of the night we kissed. she came on to me and i couldnt resist it. the next day and now i feel terrible. i have never cheated before and feel like i should say something to my girlfriend although im sure she will go mental. any advice? should i keep it to myself? to be honest i cant believe i could be so stupid. i also think others may have seen us which just makes the whole thing worse. really appreciate some feedback.

i would tell her, being that you were in a public place - someone seen you and will be only too happy to tell her on your behalf... and i think that would upset her more.

Im in a relationship sevral years - and if i heard this from someone other than my man i would wonder what else he hasn't told me. Be honest - its not like you slept with her, i imagine after years toghether this will hurt her but she should apreciate the honesty.

all the stars

Gemini Sister wrote: »

A snog is a snog is a snog

The solution.... IT NEVER HAPPNED ('wasn't me...':D)

if its just a snog, then it wont be a big deal if he says about it. Dishonesty leads to more dishonesty - and yes eventually someone would tell the missus.. people love to tell you things you dont know about yer other half....

all the stars

Colonel_McCoy wrote: »

Say nothing..............forget about it. .....If you can remember it then it didnt happen

well, blaming drink isn't exactly a way out - hate that in the Irish Mentality..
If i murder someone while drunk, and i dont remember it - i still did it.

valz_walsh

Id say nothing, unless you think your going to get caught out.

And NEVER do it again. I hope you've learnt your lesson.

As long as you dont do it again, you'd only be hurting her if you told her. However if you do, do it again, you'll have to fess up, and that'll be the end of the relationship.

I dont think you should forget about it though. Remember how you feel right now about hurting your girlfriend and remember this feeling if you even think about doing it again.

Silly boy.:mad:

LegacyUser

I thought I'd want to know, until it happened to me.

I will never forget, and neither will she.

Say nothing! Make it up to her by never doing it again.

Notorious

I really don't think you should be looking for somebody else's opinion on what you should do. You should know what the right thing to do it yourself.

Put yourself in her shoes, would you want to know? And whatever you do, don't just tell her to clear your conscience and get it off your chest, that would be even more selfish of you.

If it was me, I'd want to know (I think), even though it would put me in a whole world of s***. I'd never do that, but if it was me I'd face the consequences. I think if she loves you, she'll forgive you. If she doesn't, you only have yourself to blame.

Kooli

Could I forgive my boyfriend a drunken snog seven years into a relationship? not really sure, would have to see how I felt if it happened to me.

Could I forgive my boyfriend for not telling me about a drunken snog seven years into a relationship? Not a chance, and I know that now! My trust in my boyfriend is based on the implicit belief that if something happened he'd tell me. If I think he won't tell me things "for my own good" (what a load of b*ll*x), then I can't trust him. Simple as that.

And as for 'she'll never find out' - I just wouldn't count on that. She could hear from someone, or you could tell her further down the line when the guilt hasn't gone away.

littleknown

of course its not something i would usually do - i think its easy to say you would never do it - i used to until this mess, i would never want to hurt someone like that. i dont think i will tell her though as i believe it will hurt her more and will result in her losing all trust in me. i feel very guilty though and just hope that i can forget it myself. its even more complicated as the other girl is someone i will see again and we both know what happened. i now feel i have to avoid all social situations where she is around which means losing out on a lot of contact with my friends. what a schmuck of a thing to do.

chuci

if all your mates were drunk too then they probably wont remember, if none of them have mentioned to you now they probably wont ever. as for the woman tell her it was a big mistake and you cant be her friend etc etc. dont hang around with her in drinking situations. but you will probably avoid and hate every social situation with your girlfriend mixing with your mates in case it ever slips out and it will be way worse coming from them than you. but if you can live with that pressure then dont tell her.

Silverfish

littleknown wrote: »

of course its not something i would usually do - i think its easy to say you would never do it - i used to until this mess, i would never want to hurt someone like that. i dont think i will tell her though as i believe it will hurt her more and will result in her losing all trust in me.

Why would she lose all trust in you? Would it be because you can't be trusted? ....and then you lie about it?

littleknown

no its not that. ive never done anything like this,im just wondering if i would trust someone who did that to me - probably not. im really in two minds about what to do and i know i will regret whichever course i opt for.most people seem to think saying nothing is the option. i just wonder will i be able to leave it. i dont believe in keeping secrets and this doesnt exactly fit in with who i am.

chuci

then tell her if its not you.if the situation was reversed would you expect her to tell you?

Aurora Borealis

It always amazes me the amount of people who advise not to tell your partner on threads like this. In my opinion if something of this nature happens you have to tell your partner if you wish to stay in a honest committed relationship. What's the point otherwise. People do make mistakes but it's not up to you to decide if you should be forgiven for it and your partner will hopefully be able to build up trust with you again. It was only a kiss so hopefully your relationship together will mean more to her than this transgression. I'd be very hurt but that said if the person was very important to me I'd try my best to work through it.

Best of luck,


AB.

seanironmaiden

I think the most important thing you can do if you tell your partner, which most people seem to forget.. is let them know (and only if you mean it) that it will never, EVER happen again. If you were to just tell her what happened, she'd not only be upset, but also paranoid in the future. let her know you've learnt your lesson and it won't happen again, and that you never want it to.

heavyheart

Shoe on the other foot and your girlfriend cheated on you with one of her work mates , would you want to no ??
I think its a disgrace what you did and im shocked so many people said not to tell , how can you be in a serious relationship and continue on as if nothing happened ? I would rather no as i wouldnt want to spend another second with someone who uses drink as an excuse to snog someone else and disrespect all the years we've been together .
Your considering not telling her for your benefit not hers .

Maggie Simpson

heavyheart wrote: »

I would rather no as i wouldnt want to spend another second with someone who uses drink as an excuse to snog someone else and disrespect all the years we've been together .
quote]

That's your feeling on the matter. Everyone is different. For instance, if my bf drunkenly kissed someone I'd want to know. I'd think he was a stupid idiot for doing it but it wouldn't mean (to me) that he was disrespecting me or the time we'd been together and I don't think it would damage our relationship.

On the other hand, my bf once said to me that if I cheated on him & the person meant nothing to me, he wouldn't want to know. I found it strange but that's his view and I respect it. But have no intention of ever testing the theory!

My point is, the OP should know his gf well enough at this stage to know which camp she is in!

sharkie2008

OP its a tough decision to make but personally if it was me i would want to know as i can't stand being lied to. it would be tough but i would want to try to move on from it. also how do you know she won't find out from someone else? if you are in the same social circle as the girl you kissed she may tell your girlfriend or someone else might. you've a stupid thing but if she finds out that you've also lied about it then there will be no trust at all

heavyheart

littleknown wrote: »

i dont believe in keeping secrets and this doesnt exactly fit in with who i am.

Stick to your gut feeling on this , i think it would be a million times worse if she found out from someone else and these things have a habit of coming back to haunt you.

meditraitor

Placebo wrote: »

criminal : tells
criminals guilty conscience is gone
victim : horrified
criminals feels worse, victims emotions are now real and not just part of his conscience
victim : cant trust
criminal : but 7 years?
victim: ok
criminal works at rebuilding trust

time to rebuild trust : 1 year? 2 year? 7 years?
victim = will never forget.


dont tell, and dont do it again, silly person !

+1 excellent post, and about right

Sugar Drunk

Jebus dont tell her are you mad. Put it this way if I was her and you told me you would be dumped quick smart.
If you tell her and she has self respect shes going to be angry and its going to have repurcussions (unless shes a doormat but I get from your posts that shes not). As for those that asked about 7 years and said 'its only a snog' - well after 7 years id expect someone to be more faithful than after 1! cheating is cheating. After being with someone seven years, its awful to think they would go and snog some hoochy on a night out theres no trust there!

If you want to stay with her, dont tell. hope to hell no one else does and don't do it again.