Regret over what I've lost

LegacyUser

Going unreg'd for this one. About 3 years ago i left my husband after three years of marraige. Things were starting to go sour, various things happened and i decided that we were both too young to be tied down to a life of misery, which is what it had turned into.

One of the reasons i chose to leave was because he wasn't the same sweet, kind person i'd married. The stresses of every day life had made him cynical and bitter and not the best person to be around. Anyway it was a shock to him when i left but i knew there was no point in staying when i didn't love him any more and since then we've both gotten on with our lives. I've had a boyfriend for the last 2 years. He's had a girlfriend who lives with him and her 5 year old daughter.

Now, here's the problem. Over the last 3 years, my ex has gone for all the counselling and anger management courses etc etc that i'd been on to him to do while we were married. Its really changed him and although i'm not in love with him again, i find myself missing what we had now. This is because he's reverted back to the person he was when we first met and his witty, funny, charming ways are back and it makes me sorely miss what we had. I've kept this to myself completely as i feel i'm betraying my boyfriend thinking like this.

Anyway, me and ex talk on phone every couple of months or so, and his calls to me have become more frequent lately. He just called me this morning down in the dumps saying he didn't know why we didn't work out the first time round, and if circumstances were only different etc. He loves his girlfriend, i'm with my boyfriend, but there's just this mutual feeling of regret between us over what could have been.

Obv getting back together is not an option. Too many people who could get hurt, and both our families obviously don't like each other since the break up.

Don't know why i'm writing this here, but i've tears streaming down my face thinking of what i've lost.

Wagon

I'm going to be honest. You didn't lose anything and after all the problems are solved your asking yourself "What If...". While you were married you probably bought out the worst in each other (his anger and refusal to get help, you just not loving him anymore and whatever else there was) and so you both separated. So when he met someone new, he was prepared to go to the counsellings and get himself back on track and he is. You also have someone new now as well.

Unfortunately when you get past things like this in life you look back and see what you could have done differently and feel guilty for not doing it sooner. I had that recently myself when me and an ex girlfriend got back in touch and I had treated her pretty badly and like your ex husband I wasn't exactly myself either. I have big regrets and guilt about that too but I'd never try and get back with her regardless of how sound things are. Learn from this. Remember that you two seperated for good reason. And counseling can't fix those reasons. Maybe you two should stay out of touch for a while. Get on with your lives and see where they take you.

tbh

I had a big long post thought out and then I read wagons post, and honestly, I can't add to it or improve it at all.

smellybiker

i don't think he's at all the same person that you fell in love with - he may seem like it after the help he got but he's not coz all of that impacted on him and has changed him beyond what you can see at the mo. you have also changed - you may not think so but you have. do you honestly think that in both your current states, if you meet in a bar or whatever, that there would be a spark???

your initial answer would be yes but i guarantee if you look at it more in depth, you'll see that you two would not be as good a match now than you were when first getting married! i went thru this with my ex - thought he had changed - tried to get us back together until we had an amazingly eye opener of a chat which made me realise he was not the same guy i fell in love with nor was i the same gal --- have a chat with him maybe just to see yourself how both of you have changed!!

neuro-praxis

Wagon wrote: »

I'm going to be honest. You didn't lose anything

No, she did. She lost her husband! And now she is grieving.

OP, take time to process your regrets, think, reflect and grieve. Your feelings are normal. Things aren't supposed to go all wrong like this and it feels really bad when they do!

It is awkward that you are going through this in the context of a new relationship but that's the messiness of life. Think very very hard about what it is you want. And then pursue that.

Dudess

Regrets are useless unless you've access to a time machine. You did what you felt was right at the time - at the time. No point in upsetting yourself over something you couldn't have known.

aidan24326

I'd agree with Wagon that it would be best for everyone concerned if you cut contact with your ex. Staying in touch is only making things worse, making it harder to move on with your new lives.

It's always easy to look back and glorify something you had in the past, in dreamy-eyed reminiscence. Most people do it at one time or another. But think of the reasons that things went sour, the reasons you broke up in the first place, and you'll realise that as much as you may miss some of the little things the overall package obviously wasn't right. You were lucky to get out of it before there was any kids involved.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to move on with your life and cut out the nostalgia. If you and your ex did make a go of it again it would probably be sweet and rosy for a while but there's a strong possibility that the same problems would resurface sooner or later. And yes you are emotionally betraying your boyfriend thinking like this, I'm sure he'd be thrilled to know that you're still (perhaps foolishly) pining for your ex.

Gemini Sister

And here comes something controversial....
OP, stranger things have happened than someone getting back with the ex after a few years when you've both matured.

?

Fatloss08

too many people get married these days , they dont give a toss about vows , u know Better for Worse / Sickness and Health . you should have stood by him if u loved him so much , he's better off without you to be honest , u only want him when he's got help

smellybiker

Fatloss08 wrote: »

too many people get married these days , they dont give a toss about vows , u know Better for Worse / Sickness and Health . you should have stood by him if u loved him so much , he's better off without you to be honest , u only want him when he's got help

oh how bloody self righteous - never made a mistake before so???

it most be so great judging from your ivory pedestal

Dudess

Yeah, the OP didn't start a thread here to get judged like that.

Beruthiel

Lets get back on topic.
b

smellybiker

for me personally, losing my ex was like he died. i think when a relationship ends - its more than just the physical attributes of that relationship - it's the mental elements too - the habits, the familiarity, the entire life with one person who knows you as much as you know yourself.

i think you go thru the exact same grieving when a relationship ends as you do when someone dies - it's that big and it's that heart wrenching!

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your advice.

Wagon: "Maybe you two should stay out of touch for a while. Get on with your lives and see where they take you."
Thank you for your post. It really did help and i think the advice here that you've give me is very valuable.

Dudess: "You did what you felt was right at the time - at the time. No point in upsetting yourself over something you couldn't have known"
You're right Dudess. To me it was the only option at the time and i went with it. After reflecting over the weekend, it was probably the right choice.

Aidan: "And yes you are emotionally betraying your boyfriend thinking like this, I'm sure he'd be thrilled to know that you're still (perhaps foolishly) pining for your ex."
Thanks for being so honest. I'd like to say though that i'm not pining for my ex. I no longer love him, but i just regret that things didn't turn out differently.

Gemini Sister: "OP, stranger things have happened than someone getting back with the ex after a few years when you've both matured"
Not an option. I simply don't love him any more. Like i've mentioned before, we broke up, fell out of love and i was just wondering if things would have gotten better had i given it more of a chance.

Fatloss08: "you should have stood by him if u loved him so much , he's better off without you to be honest, u only want him when he's got help"
Everyone is entitled to their opinion but without the facts you cant make statements such as those. Without going into too much detail (because i've put it behind me and forgiven him so he can get on with his life), there was a LOT of physical abuse in the marraige. His family and i all tried to make him go to anger management and counselling for approx 18 months before i left. I was scared stiff coming home from work every day praying that he'd had a good day. In the end, i valued my own life and sanity too much and so i left.

But like i mentioned, he has got all the help he needed and is back to the "old him" that i remember, but over that last 18 months i fell out of love with him and left for my own safety. I have no intention of getting back with him, but i just wondered if he never got depression/anger fits, how our relationship would have turned out.

I'm more optimistic today. Things happen for a reason. I left for a good reason and my life is going really well for the first time in a long time. I wouldn't even be thinking like this had he not phoned the other day spurting out all his thoughts. Its just hard sometimes to come to terms with the fact that my marraige failed and there was nothing i could do about it, but thats what happened, thats life and i need to keep moving forward.

Beruthiel

regret99887766 wrote: »

there was a LOT of physical abuse in the marraige. His family and i all tried to make him go to anger management and counselling for approx 18 months before i left. I was scared stiff coming home from work every day praying that he'd had a good day. In the end, i valued my own life and sanity too much and so i left

Regret is a dead emotion.
Besides, you have nothing to regret, you gave him changes, he broke your trust in him in the worst way possible.
If anyone should be regreting, it's him, not you.
Let it go and move on with your life.

Wagon

regret99887766 wrote: »

Thank you for your post. It really did help and i think the advice here that you've give me is very valuable.

No problem! Glad you're feeling a little better