Depression

Creachadóir

As I have posted already my ex and I broke up just over a month ago after 3 years together. At the time he told me that he thought he was depressed and it was something that I had thought myself for about 2/3 months. Now, I went to the doctor to get a couple of days off work after the break-up (it was very sudden and upsetting) and I told him about the way my boyfriend had been behaving. He felt that it could be depression and that I should suggest to one of his family members to get him to go to the doctor about it.This is not something I could do easily.

There is a lot of depression in his immediate family and his extended family also. However, he has told me that he is going to deal with it himself now and is throwing himself into his work to try to distract himself from our break-up and from his deep sense of unhappiness. I have looked up depression online and he seems to be exhibiting almost every sypmtom suggested eg.

complain about fatigue (couldn't sleep)
irritability( with me and his friends/family)
loss of interest in hobbies.
loss of interest in work...kind of...he hates his job
anger (very unlike him, but has been there lately)
aggression (arguing with everyone)
reckless behavior (driving way way too fast in dangerous manner a few times, so that I had to tell him I wouldn't drive with him anymore, he got penalty points for speeding recently, but he was very lucky not to get done for dangerous driving he was going that fast...and this is very unlike him)substance abuse (has suddenly started drinking loads)
Men may also try to cope with their depression by throwing themselves into their work (hates his job, but has said he's throwing himself into it now to distract from his feelings of sadness).
weight gain
sensitivity to rejection (seemed to feel i was constantly putting him down, i really wasn't!)
low self-esteem
cramps/headaches/pains
crying

He was also kinda hyper over the top happy when we were out and about with other people that wasn't a bit genuine.

Now he says he's fine...or trying to feel fine. I think that I'm really the only person who would notice these huge swings in mood because I was round him more than anyone, and he'd be able to hide it very easily. I really feel bad about everything, because I want to move on, and I am a bit, but I feel that he is very emotionally unstable.

Can anyone tell me if these are symptoms could have simply occured because he wanted to break up with me, or if (as I suspect) that they have a deep rooted, more sinister cause. We have mutual friends, and they have said (completely unprompted) to me that he seems depressed and that he's saying strange things. I have spoken to my own doctor about it but obviously nothing can be done unless he goes to the doctor himself. So I'm not looking for a medical opinion, more an opinion from people who have gone through this or are familiar with depression. However, if he is depressed, can it pass, do these things usually get worse, what can I do when he has cut me off?

Overheal

It could be depression. But honestly speaking, I don't think you are the bbest person to handle this. You're exes. And he has to want help anyway. For all you know you could be an issue for him entirely. Try to speak to him about this, consequently, could get nasty.

At that point its up to one of his mates to spot the problem and do something about it.

kelly1979

sounds like your caught between a rock and a hardplace.
Unfortunetly if he himself is not acknowledging that he needs help, then it is v. doubtful that you can do anything for him.
when i get depressed (have a panic disorder) have successfully hid it for the last couple of years, however when people started talking to me about my behaviour i tended to avoid them and cut contact as i knew 'they were onto me..so to speak' and i wasn't ready to deal with it at the time.
when i began to accept that i had a problem i spoke to everyone about it and explained that i needed their support.
the only thing you can do is be there for him if he asks you to be.
if he is suicidal though i would speak to his parents......don't know if this is the right thing to do but is what i would personally do

biko

Make an appointment for him to visit a GP or specialist and then tell him about it?

How Strange

OP, IMO your ex will only get help when/if he really wants it. What has happened here is that you two broke up, he told you he was depressed and instead of moving on with your life and dealing with all the heartache that entails you've transferred your energy into fixing him.

Classic women's thing to do and btw I'm a woman so that's not a sexist jibe.

But I've seen friends do it so often after a break up. I even did it after my first (very traumatic) breakup. I was afraid he'd do 'something stupid' etc etc so there I was like an eejit phoning him and making sure he was ok. I was a bloody mess but never mind as long as he was emotionally and mentally stable. Anyway, my mother told me to forget about his mental state and concentrate on my own because there was a 99% chance that he would be just fine. And it was the best advice I got at that time.

OP, I understand your heart is in the right place and you're doing this out of love but you're no longer in a position where you have to take on worry for him. He's an adult so let him seek out the help he needs.

LegacyUser

I had a lot of those symptoms, lack of interest in anything, difficulty sleeping, difficult to concentrate, tiredness, drinking way too much. Went to a GP who prescribed me ant-depressants. Within a few days I already felt better, within 3 weeks I was back to normal. Mine was triggered by the death of my mother. Mesage is go to a GP , its very treatable.

Creachadóir

He had decided that he was going to go to a psychiatrist in the hospital. But then he changed his mind.

He has all the symptoms one of his siblings had last year when they were diagnosed as having depression and they started taking medication.

Kelly - no he isn't suicidal. He's very religious, and seems to have become kinda obsessed with it. Though I never thought he'd break up with me, I definitely don't think that he'd commit suicide.

I have tried to move on, I've been out with my friends loads and doing sport and trying not to dwell on it. I'm not one of these people who think there's only one soulmate for everyone. I'm doing everything to move on. I have tried to avoid him, though he seems to turn up places I am a bit too much. However, up until this "deep pain deep inside" him arrived we were very happy together.

I am his best friend. Although I have lots of friends, he doesn't have loads of people that will notice his behaviour. He lives with people who do night-shifts (and he doesn't). Our mutual friends think he is behaving very strangely, saying his life is a "waste" to them and things like that but they're not going to say anything.

I just think that it's so obvious that he is depressed, and it is something that is genetic, very much in his family, and he had agreed to go and get help for it. Then instead of doing something about it he broke up with me, and he says that it has nothing to do with me, I'm great, he loves me and all that but he just wants to be on his own. And by on his own I mean I've bumped into him in a nightclub drinking on his own. He never used to drink much at all, but he's knocking back whiskey now, and drinking on his own at home.

Anyway, after rereading this, I guess I am obsessing. But isn't it natural when someone you love seems to have gone mad?! I suppose Im just wondering will he be stuck with this "deep pain" inside him until he gets help, or do these things sometimes pass?

How Strange

Creachadóir wrote: »

Anyway, after rereading this, I guess I am obsessing. But isn't it natural when someone you love seems to have gone mad?! I suppose Im just wondering will he be stuck with this "deep pain" inside him until he gets help, or do these things sometimes pass?

OP, IMO people who are depressed tend to be selfish. It's all about them. I've had serious depression for a few years, probably was clinically depressed for a couple of those years but was never diagnosed, my sister battles with depression and so does my mother. I can tell you that when I was depressed I was completely selfish - it was all about me and how I was feeling. I knew I was at the time and I was being unfair to people but I just didn't care. I see my mother and sister act the same way at times.

I think it's time for you to be selfish.

Who knows if his depression will pass or if he will need medical help but nothing can happen until he helps himself.

Creachadóir

Thanks How Strange. I guess that's the way it is, he knows he's being horrible but he doesn't care. I know I've to look after myself but it's easier said than done. "Out of sight, out of mind" doesn't work when you see someone regularly and they've just changed so much. Drinking to excess, turning from someone who was lovely and kind to everyone to lashing out and being angry.

I will try to take the advice on board and to forget him, but busy and all as I am it's tough. Thanks x

Creachadóir

I'm back on about this, because he's been back in contact and wants to meet up. Now while he wanted to be friends initially, he kinda said it probably wouldn't be possible. It's nearly 2 months later now, and we've met a good few times, out and about (ie not on purpose, just bumped into each other) but not for a proper chat.

I don't get him/it. I don't want to be friends if that's all it is. However, if he is depressed, I'd like to help him and don't want to be mean to him! I definitely don't want to be a doormat or to feel bad about the break-up again...And yes, obviously I still love him, and would love to get back together with the guy I loved (not this guy that has been depressed...). Should I meet up with him?