Help me please

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,
Going unregged, Bit long winded but please bear with me.
Im stuck in a bit of a rut currently. About 10 months ago I broke up with my first proper girlfriend. I shared a lot of experiences with her. (I was previously a virgin and so was she) Anyways after about a year and a half of us going strong things started annoying me like her constant need for contact, and general erraticness. To be honest I put this down to her going on the pill as that’s when it all started going downhill. However she refused to go off it or even change due to pregnancy risks / didn’t want to mess up her cycle. It was a very hard break-up, definety the hardest thing I’v ever done. Afterwards we fell into a pattern of kissing on nites out and casual sex. I look back now and see she probs did this to try and keep me and feel really bad about it. Eventually I told her that we both needed to move on / get some space. I still kept good contact with her and things were good..until I really began missing her. It was at this point she acquired a new boyfriend. Once he came on the scene it finally dawned on me how much I miss her. She was always so thoughtful and caring and put up with my ways . I hadn’t told her how I felt until I drunkenly texted her one nite. She replied saying we didn’t work out, and to move on. I backed off and just contined on with my life.
About 2 months after she got with this guy I met her in a club (she lives away from me at uni) we were both drunk kissed and then I went back to her place. She regretted it the next day but I was surprised at how easy she found it to cheat on him.
After this we stopped texting as frequently and I started a cycle of going out drinking meeting girls kissing them and never seeing them again.(no sex)
This was fun for a while, but what I really wanted is company. Someone to share things with. Anyways this culminated in me meeting a girl, going back to hers and up to the bedroom. I was all up for it but as soon as clothes started coming off, I kinda freaked out a bit. Needless to say I didn’t go through with full sex. I just couldn’t stop thinkin of previous girl.
Meanwhile on a few occasions she has texted me after arguments with her bf. He stormed off leaving her to find a way home herself one nite and she rang me so I walked her home. The last time this happened she sent texts saying stuff like “why am I such a bitch iv ruined another relationship?” “why did you break up with me” “do you still love me?”
I replied that I did and after about an hour and a half she replied saying she shouldn’t have said it and was upset.
MY problem is that I can’t get over her. My friends are sick of me talking about her and I don’t really have an interest in girls apart from her. Im pretty much just biding my time hoping she’l break up with him.
Am I wasting my time here? This whole situation has me feeling real down, I probably couldn’t get another girl with this kind of attitude.
Thanks for listening,

blah

It's over, she's with someone else, move on. Break off contact with her, let her deal with her bad relationship. The sooner you do this, the sooner you'll start feeling better about yourself.

Oryx

Sounds to me like you need a bit more distance from this girl, even if thats painful to do. At the moment your still hanging on with her, with something and yet nothing proper going on. No wonder your head is wrecked. If you get some space away from her, and without all her confused and confusing texts, maybe you will be able to get over her. At the moment your situation with her is so complicated because of your breakup and your history, that you may see her with different eyes in a few months time when youve had a break from it all.

And for now, because youre still not over her, why not just stop looking for anyone else, even casually. Live just for you for a bit and forget about women.

smellybiker

okay i went thru this in a different sort of way but in essence - it meant the same as what is happening to you. broke up with my ex - tried having each other for casual sex - i was relieved coz it meant he was still in my life. however, he saw it as it was - very very casually and so casually that i felt used. it ended and i tried my best to carry on as normal - all the while missing him. anyhow, twice we've discussed getting back together and twice he's blasted me out of the water by changing his mind just when i'm on a high from the thoughts of being with him again.

i was like you - thinking of him only positively but i've got some perspective now and have listened to friends remind me of how bad things actually were between us. you and your ex broke up for a reason. i think you're just remembering her fondly and justifying her tempermental mood as a result of the pill (which i'd like to say is not a valid reason in my book and i'm a girl). anyhow, i think you're better staying away for the meantime - try to get some perspective - remember the relationship in its true context - the goods and the bads. don't sugar coat it - be realistic about your past with her!!

if you do this, you may find that you don't think it a good idea to be with her at all.

LegacyUser

i actually have little to no contact with her currently. I havent spoken to her face to face in several months. we talk maybe every couple of weeks by text. Unfortunately her sister is a close friend of my mums(i wish id never introduced them tbh) She looks after our horses and it means she often eats with us.

avoiding her isnt going to be possible once she finishes for summer. smallish town we live in.
also im going to belfast next year and when she asked me where i was living it turns out now her house is 5 doors down. of all the chances! I was kinda looking towards belfast as a new beginning.

I wish i could live just for myself right now but i crave intimacy. I just want someone to hug or talk to. I have a big network of friends but they are mainly male. We party most weekends and women dont really come into it.

I have been trying to put her out of my head, finding a new woman doesnt seem to be working.

Creachadóir

Well it sounds to me like you still love her. Maybe you needed space a year ago when you broke up, but now you've realised what a good thing you had going. It definitely sounds like she still loves you. Things aren't going well with her current boyfriend. I'd say that you need to be straight with her and tell her you love her, not at night when you might be drunk or whatever, but properly. You're the one who broke up with her, so maybe you still have a chance.

Overheal

I dunno.

It sounds like both of you have a lot of unexplored feelings there.

Generally speaking though what you will get from trying to get back with people a lot of the time is a lot of misery, and pain, and all the rest.

However I do find there are some maddening cases where you may just be best off to stick your hand in the fire and see whats there. Don't blame anyone if you get burned but I'm sure you will learn a lot from the experience.

All I can say is don't follow the words. Words are empty. "Love" is the most mutilated and defiled syllable in the English Language. She may love you still or she may simply be as confused as you are. It might be worth meeting face to face again to see where you both are.

LegacyUser

I'v told her twice now. The second time was in response to 2 messages saying if you could would you go back and try again?

after i said id like to get back with her, she said Aw crap mark just seen ur message! Im sorry! Look mark its best we arent together. we are better as friends! no pressure that way yea? im sorry i asked i was just upset! it wouldn't work, so i replied Quit asking me that question then!.
you know my feelings now so if the situation changes you know where i am.

she said "Don't worry il never forget! "

I dont know what way to take that..she confuses me. think it means shes happy with him atm but will get back to me if things go ****, I dont know if i can wait that long.

i have been chatting to a nice girl, i just dont know if im ready.

Bubbly

Ok,
Can i jst say DO NOT GIVE UP. I am in a pretty similiar situation except we arent with anyone else and were trying to get to a good stage so that we can consider getting back together.BUT seriously do not give up, I gave up too many times and eventually he got fed up of trying to persuade me not to end it, and it was such a big mistake.
Now were getting on well after a messy few months and things are starting to look up
so please dont dont dont "move on" or any crap like that, if u like her, and she still texts u etc just be patient.
Shes not texting you or telling you that her bf left her, for no reason.It means she still completely has feelings for you but just get this other idiot out of the way and then u guys can work things out. :cool: