Hauntings from my past!

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am going unregged for this one so bear with me!

I have recently become very emotionally distraught and have flash backs and nightmares caused by issues which occurred over 10 years ago while I attended primary School. My school years were tough and I was bullied severely and abused by teachers, both mentally and physically (not sexually though). In all my years I kept this bottled up inside of me, denied it and tried to pretend it never happened in the hope that I could somehow forget 7yrs of my life.

As a child I was continuously bullied and struck out. often violently and looking back I was often as bad as the bullies themselves, however while they got away with it I never did and was abused in school by teachers, suspended and was a black sheep in that school with no friends and no-one to back me up, (all this began after my older brother had left for secondary school - post primary) and I was even put on medication for 6 months on the advice of a Catholic Priest who controlled the state funded school, (there is a large void in my memory during this time) I later discovered that I was put on anti-depressants as 10yr old boy. I endured such punishment for fear of being "sent away" to the Christian brothers as a priest and teacher once told me.

This severely hindered my social development I reckon and I never settled into secondary education (due to the same kids again and the "weirdo" label attached to me) thankfully at 14 my family relocated to where I am now due to work reasons of my parents. However I settled and completed my education although I never did blend in well as I was and still am so fragile around people for fear of getting hurt again, it also left me severe self confidence issues.

Now I am in my twenties and recently met a girl from my old school who talked openly with me about what went on and remarked on how mean everyone was to me. It really put me thinking afterwards and unlocked alot of feelings I kept bottled up inside me. The way I was treated and the abuse and ridicule I suffered, I can remember one time getting so badly bruised my doctor privately asking me were my parents abusing me. I was sent to therapy on two occasions about 3yrs apart, not knowing ever what it was I can't even say how it went, one session ended after several visits and the other ended after one visit.

However I now feel so betrayed and upset that this was allowed happen to me and the way the perpetrators got away with it. The state education failed me and the church also interfered where it had no right doing so.

I am so upset and disheartened to think that my innocent childhood was stolen from me and the way I grew up in a climate of fear and I knew no different thinking this was a rite of passage to adulthood. I remember crying myself to sleep one time begging to be 40 with grey hair and to get respect.

In my late teens and very early twenties I ignored this and tried to keep it locked in the past and look forward at what I had become but yet it keeps eating me away. I now feel fragile and like I need therapy to deal this for once and for all, I would also love to see the people apologise to me and sue the state for its failings to me, one cent would mean more than a million euro as it would be acknowledgement that I was the victim and nobody did nothing about it.

I'm sorry for boring everybody with this, and I know people suffered far more than me elsewhere at different points of time but what I endured through the 1990's was terrible.

if anybody had similar experiences write them up and let me know how you dealt with your repressed past.

towel401

wow i was in a similar situation myself at one point. though probably not as severe as yourself. i know someone else it happend to also. you see back in those days it was still quite backward, these were the days when the only educational videos we were shown were telling us to put a cover over the PTO shaft of the tractor. and i was the only sort of foreign kid in the school though I wasnt actually foreign - people just thought I was because my family is.

all these years i was being told that it 'wasnt so bad' and other excuses but the same teacher eventually did get into a load of trouble for slapping some other child.

i'm still stuck with the lack of confidence you mentioned, i have the social skills of your average glass of orange juice. but sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, or wanting revenge isnt going to solve anything. at least you got to relocate which is a good thing. as much as people say that running away from problems doesnt help. i find it actually does

RedXIV

Hopefully i can reassure you than this can be beaten. When i was 9, my family moved house. I used to live in a small village called Laytown up in meath and i loved it. i was pretty academic, a trait prized in the school. i was the son of the only local guard so everyone knew my family, i thought it was great. then i moved. oh how things changed

I moved at christmas for the second half of 4th class and until i finished primary school, i was bullied to bits. The students used to have a procedure called "pole axing", where you would be picked up by multiple students, had your legs stretched apart and they would run at a concrete pillar with a leg at either side. Every game seemed to be centred around "beat up the new kid". And as bad as i got it, my bro got it alot worse.

It took until i was in 5th year of secondary school to actually start feeling comfortable in myself. I took what happened to me in primary school and used it as mental fuel to start pursuing sports and trying to hit a physical peak. I'm now about to head into my 4th year in college (exams pending ) and i'm in the happiest state of my life. i can look back on all of that with nothing but "geez.....well that sucked, glad its over". Alot of the guys who bullied me are stuck at home, working miserable jobs, and i'm having a blast in life.

My bro, who got it worse, couldn't be happier, is in his second year of college, nice gf, really happy guy, tons of friends. Proof that you can pull back from this. just realise that you survived it, and because of that fact, you're stronger than you realise

Hope this helps,

Red

marti101

I wa s bullied but you have to think the problems were the bullies and not you .You go about your life and leave them behind you have the chance now to go to a councillar if you want and get it sorted or look forward and feel sorry for the bullies cause they are weak sad people

McGinty

Hi Op

I was bullied at school but not as severely as yourself but have suffered other forms of trauma/abuse. I am currently in group therapy and I have to say it has transformed me, like you I blocked things for a long time, then when I began uncovering them through therapy I felt angry, and grieved at my lost childhood and how that trauma affected so many other aspects of life. I can wholeheartedly say that whilst therapy is difficult and painful it is tremendously healing, no amount of money can buy contentment and peace of mind. I have peace of mind and I have inner strength, I feel I have regained myself and moved away from the past, but I could only do that by facing up to the hurt I experienced as a child and acknowledging what happened. Childre are often denied their voice, also as a child you cannot articulate your suffering, only know that 'bad stuff is happening, I personally feel it is important to go back and put a voice on to that trauma and pain. I personally would advocate therapy but there are several types of therapies out there that suit all types. I have done one on one counselling and group therapy, for me group has been the most effective.

af_thefragile

Hey Op,

My story isn't quite as bas as yours and not exactly the same but i was usually picked on by the bigger guys quite often while i was in school. Porbably cuz i always was the small guy and there were loads of bullies in my school. But like i never let them get the most of me, so i survived highschool staying away from them and ignoring most people. Ended up a loner at many points of my life.

Now i can say i was happy when i was a child but it wasn't really the ideal situation to grow up in. Sorta grew up in a cage, had minimal contact with friends and the outside world. Parents were seperated even before i could remember, never saw my dad. Being the only kid, i spent most of my childhood by myself, playing in my room with all the little toys n stuff i had, reading books, trying out scientific experiments, i was happy in my little world! Ended up being all by myself from since i could remember.

Then what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!!

So this is how i sorta ended up now. Being by myself almost all my life with little outside contact, i've now become a very independent person. I prefer to do things own my own and don't do well with a group. Find it hard to get along with most people and have only got a few close friends (though loads of acquaintances). I still am quite a loner in a way. Though it doesn't usually bother me anymore. Just it has all resulted in the sorta person i've become.

And i don't quite mind the sorta person i've become. A little dark, a little crazy. Yeah, i probably could do better with more stable relationships and me not driving women away from me within 6months after getting them crazy about me, leaving me with the words "you were the best person i've been with and i doubt i'll ever meet anyone like you again". Though now even that doesn't seem to be happening. Well, as always i find something to amuse me and i don't think i'm not too bad. Not too ecstatic but not too bad.


Aah, i went off on a little spill there... Didn't quite intend to...!!