what to do with friend

sharkie2008

this may be long but here goes

a while back a friend (A) from home had been broken up with by her boyfriend and was very upset about it. we are in england at uni (me in the north her in the south) so she was feeling lonely and a bit homesick. so another friend (B) and i decided to book train tickets for her to come up to see us for the weekend. we thought it would be good for her to get away for a few days, clear her head and spend some time with us. after paying for her tickets our friend ended up not coming and we didn't feel like she had appreciated what we had done for her and ended up having a falling out about it


about a week later when things had calmed down we apologised to her for the argument and she told us that she didn't care anymore about the situation or about us and that if we were trying to be that nice we would have gone down to see her. this really annoyed me as we thought we were doing well paying for her to get away for a few days

so shes said she doesnt care about us anymore and that i was never a good friend to her. i am very hurt by this. we have been friends since we were kids. i have been there for her when her parents split, when her relationships have broken up, one of which resulted in an abortion. to say that i have never been a good friend hurts so much, i have always been a shoulder for her to lean on and have held her hand through many difficult times in her life but she has never done the same for me

anyways this was all a few weeks ago and i have made attempts to get in touch but she has not answered her phone and i have not heard back from her. my family, friends and boyfriend have all said i should just leave it as she has always been selfish in this friendship but i cant help but think its a sad way to end a friendship that I've had for 16years.

i just want to know what people's views are? i know that she wont contact me unless i contact her first but i feel i have already tried. does anyone have any advice? should i just leave it?

thanks for reading, i know its long

allabouteve

sharkie2008 wrote: »

this may be long but here goes

a while back a friend (A) from home had been broken up with by her boyfriend and was very upset about it. we are in england at uni (me in the north her in the south) so she was feeling lonely and a bit homesick. so another friend (B) and i decided to book train tickets for her to come up to see us for the weekend. we thought it would be good for her to get away for a few days, clear her head and spend some time with us. after paying for her tickets our friend ended up not coming and we didn't feel like she had appreciated what we had done for her and ended up having a falling out about it


about a week later when things had calmed down we apologised to her for the argument and she told us that she didn't care anymore about the situation or about us and that if we were trying to be that nice we would have gone down to see her. this really annoyed me as we thought we were doing well paying for her to get away for a few days

so shes said she doesnt care about us anymore and that i was never a good friend to her. i am very hurt by this. we have been friends since we were kids. i have been there for her when her parents split, when her relationships have broken up, one of which resulted in an abortion. to say that i have never been a good friend hurts so much, i have always been a shoulder for her to lean on and have held her hand through many difficult times in her life but she has never done the same for me

anyways this was all a few weeks ago and i have made attempts to get in touch but she has not answered her phone and i have not heard back from her. my family, friends and boyfriend have all said i should just leave it as she has always been selfish in this friendship but i cant help but think its a sad way to end a friendship that I've had for 16years.

i just want to know what people's views are? i know that she wont contact me unless i contact her first but i feel i have already tried. does anyone have any advice? should i just leave it?

thanks for reading, i know its long

She sounds depressed. Sometimes when people feel really down its hard for them to even get out of bed, so maybe she felt pressured by your - very kind - gesture. Give her a little time and then get back in touch, don't give up, she needs her friends, she just doesn't know how much at the moment. Don't take the rebuffs personally, you're a good friend.

Carrigart Exile

she's lashing out, she feels guilty for letting you down and probably very sorry for herself, so as her friends you're getting it. Give her space..........and if you can, send her a wee 'thinking of you' card.

Overheal

allabouteve wrote: »

She sounds depressed. Sometimes when people feel really down its hard for them to even get out of bed, so maybe she felt pressured by your - very kind - gesture. Give her a little time and then get back in touch, don't give up, she needs her friends, she just doesn't know how much at the moment. Don't take the rebuffs personally, you're a good friend.

I agree. Give it some time and go down to hers.

Singer73

Move on. You have tried. If she gets back in touch, then take it from there. But stop beating your head against a brick wall. It will only result in a big headache.

RedXIV

Overheal wrote: »

I agree. Give it some time and go down to hers.

I'm with Overheal here, in this situation, if i had a friend for that long and something like this popped up, i'd go down and sort it out. If they could say to me, face to face, they still didn't want to know me, i'd say grand, but i'd expect the sight of me to change the situation than if i was on the phone talking to them. 16 years means ALOT of history, it might be worth reminding your friend about that

Havermeyer

Singer73 wrote: »

Move on. You have tried. If she gets back in touch, then take it from there. But stop beating your head against a brick wall. It will only result in a big headache.

Let's just hope that you never feel like the OP's friend and one day need help, only for your friends to view you as a headache.

Drummerboy2

Write her a letter or email her explaining how you feel about things. Tell her you care about their friendship but you have issues about the way she has disgarded your efforts. Express your frustrations with the one-sidedness of the friendship but leave the door open for her to reconcile.

sharkie2008

nummnutts wrote: »

Let's just hope that you never feel like the OP's friend and one day need help, only for your friends to view you as a headache.

i don't view her as a headache, i'm just very hurt that she seems so willing to just throw away our friendship and tell me i haven't been a good friend when i have always been there for her in the past.

thanks for the replies everyone. i think i will leave it for a few weeks then try again with her one last time when we are both home and can talk face to face. i don't feel i can keep trying if she doesnt think our friendship is worth anything. its just very frustrating as i know that she has lost other friends because of similar behaviour i just never thought she would be this way with me after so many years

bada_bing

while your friend may be depressed about her breakup , i think it does not justify her actions and callousness towards you. You have been there for her through a lot so you'd think she'd take that into account but sadly it seems like she is a self-centered person that you'd be better off forgetting about. She doesn't deserve a loyal friend like you. Just my two cents and i know others will disagree.

molloyjh

Strange that noone has brought up the point that others have told you she has always been selfish with regards your friendship. Its always possible that they were right. I don't mean to be cold or cruel, but if she really was selfish then maybe your other friends and your boyfriend have a point. Its a sad fact that some people, no matter how much you try, are too caught up in themselves to recognise what kind of a person you are.

You seem like a decent girl who wanted to help her friend out. I would say that maybe you should have said it to her about coming up before buying the ticket, but thats really nit-picking. She should never have reacted the way she did anyway, and the reaction strikes me as a selfish one.

Then again I don't know the girl at all and she a break-up can be a very emotional thing so maybe that wasn't a fair reflection on her as a person? You need then to ask yourself what kind of a person she really is. Is she the sort that your friends and boyfriend tell you she is? Does she talk about herself a lot and view her problems above others? Was her reaction to you buying the ticket a big shock or does it fit with her personality? If she is a selfish person then its not fair on you being in a one-sided friendship and maybe you're better off.

However if she's generally more like you, i.e. considerate and understanding, the kind of person who wants to help out, and her recent behaviour is totally out of sorts then chalk it up to the break-up and give her some space. Send her an e-mail saying that you're there for her if she wants you to be, and say nothing else. If she's worthwhile she'll realise you're a good mate and she was out of line. It may not be immediate but you'll hear back from her.

If you realise though that she is more like the former description then don't e-mail her at all. I've met plenty of leeches in my time and if she is a leech, only in the friendship for herself, then an e-mail will give her a way back in to start using you again. Cutting contact altogether would be better.

At the end of the day you are in the best position to judge what kind of a person she is or isn't given your 16 years as friends. You need to decide, as objectively as possible, what kind of friend she is and has been in the past. From that you can decide whether the friendship is worth your time or not. Losing a friend is always hard, but you don't need to get used. Similarly losing a boyfriend is tough and you can say and do things when you're messed up that you wouldn't normally. Everything depends on how out of character these reactions really are.

sharkie2008

thanks so much for your post molloyjh

we had said to her about coming up to us before buying the tickets. we suggested it to her because her and her ex live in the same halls and she was finding it hard being around him everyday. she said she thought it was a good idea coming up and it was a few days then before we bought the tickets so it was just sprung on her

to be honest she's never really been there for me in the past in the way that i have for her. i've always thought it was just that she had stuff of her own going on but perhaps it is just selfishness on her part. i know shes upset about her ex but i don't think i deserve this. shes lost friends before and its got to the point where she doesn't have many left and yet shes still behaving like this towards me and my other friend whos she known for years

its says a lot to me though that even my mum thinks its time to just give up on the friendship and i'm thinking maybe i should just leave it and see if she gets in touch with me when we're all home

smellybiker

get on a bus, train whatever as soon as you can and get down there - she needs you badly - she just might not be able to tell you how bad she is and how much she needs you! she's acting out - we've all done it. see thru her avoidance of your friendship and go down to her pronto!!

passive

I'd be kinda of the opinion that she's a **** person and you're better off just leaving it... You can't be responsible for other people, and while one should make every effort to help out their friends and look after them, it has to be a situation of give & take, not just a selfish person taking what they want whenever they need it...

Other people are probably being more cautious with the depression ideas and stuff, but there's only so much you can give people to protect yourself from the possibility of someone killing themselves... That's something that's always and tragically going to happen in our society, but doesn't entitle some people to be c*nts and expect others to tread carefully and put up with it forever...

On... the other hand, I did always think that if I wanted to kill myself I'd preceed it with months of being an asshole and alienating my friends so they wouldn't lose someone near and dear, but if this is how she's always been, she hasn't shown gratitude for your help and she hasn't helped out when you're in need, chances are this isn't the case and my original assertion stands...

solace

Firstly, you've gone out of your way to support her so whatever you do, don't start doubting your own effort. However, I really don't think she means what she says; she's obviously just going through a really rough patch and although I myself never lash out at friends in such situations, everyone handles things differently.

molloyjh

This may sound a bit mental, and I know some people don't get it, but I'll throw it out there.

There are different kinds of friends and different ways to treat them. I've a few very good friends who I would drop everything for and who would do the same for me. I have a good few decent friends who I know would be there for me but wouldn't be my first port of call and I've got some friends who I enjoy spending time with but don't have a friendship of any real depth with. They are people who are great to be around in social situations but that you wouldn't nessecarily trust with intimate details of your private life.

It is very possible that you could remain friends with this girl on that basis. When you're both home you could meet up with her and a gang of others and have a great laugh, but not remain too close to. You don't have to share anything with her if you don't want. And if she has issues and wants to come to you about it then so be it but don't offer yourself up in any way. When you're nowhere near each other just don't contact her at all. You don't need to and there's no reason you should be obliged to. That way you can both remain friends but she doesn't have the same access to you she once had. It may or may not work, but if so many people from family and friends are telling you to stay away from her then you can be sure things can't keep going as they are. These people are watching you're back and looking out for you so you should value their opinion.

Pub07

Well if it was me, wouldn't take that crap from her, the cheek of her tbh. I wouldn't bother contacting her, I'd wait for her to get back to me with an apology and if she didn't she's not worth bothering with anyway. She doesn't sound like much of a friend anyway from your description of her.

lolli

Hi op,

I think that the breakup of your friends relationship and then the fight you had has taken its toll on her. Did you ask her did she want to come up before you booked the ticket for her? I'm sure it wasnt anything personal towards you. I would say this girl is just feeling very messed up at the moment and wants to be on her own. I am the type of person who would rather lock myself in my room at times like that rather than go visiting friends. I'd say she just didnt feel able to get on the train and go up there.

You sound like a great friend and she shouldnt have treated you like that. I am sure she just needs time and when she feels a bit better in herself she will realise that you have been a good friend and contact you. I wouldnt take it too personally i'd say shes just messed up.

King of Kings

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

she's lashing out, she feels guilty for letting you down and probably very sorry for herself, so as her friends you're getting it. Give her space..........and if you can, send her a wee 'thinking of you' card.

Overheal wrote: »

I agree. Give it some time and go down to hers.

i'd do nothing of the sort - leave her - you made 2 attempts to aid her
1. the train tickets and 2. to resolve the argument
I'd ditch her - life is too short to waste on people like that

smellybiker

lolli wrote: »

Hi op,

I think that the breakup of your friends relationship and then the fight you had has taken its toll on her. Did you ask her did she want to come up before you booked the ticket for her? I'm sure it wasnt anything personal towards you. I would say this girl is just feeling very messed up at the moment and wants to be on her own. I am the type of person who would rather lock myself in my room at times like that rather than go visiting friends. I'd say she just didnt feel able to get on the train and go up there.

You sound like a great friend and she shouldnt have treated you like that. I am sure she just needs time and when she feels a bit better in herself she will realise that you have been a good friend and contact you. I wouldnt take it too personally i'd say shes just messed up.

i totally think the same as this person, if im going thru tough times, i deal with it on my own. i keep to myself until i'm in a better mental state to be around people. i then catch up with friends and tell them what's after happening and how i'm feeling!! this girl could be exactly the same and so, it think you should give her another go!!

at least you can say you tried your best should she not be responsive to your last effort!

sharkie2008

smellybiker wrote: »

i totally think the same as this person, if im going thru tough times, i deal with it on my own. i keep to myself until i'm in a better mental state to be around people. i then catch up with friends and tell them what's after happening and how i'm feeling!! this girl could be exactly the same and so, it think you should give her another go!!

at least you can say you tried your best should she not be responsive to your last effort!

i get what your saying but its not like her to keep to herself, its not what shes been like in the past anyway. i found out last night she's been slagging my other friend and i for weeks, saying she doesnt want to see or speak to us again and we've treated her like s**t. to be honest i'm just so hurt and angry with her now i don't think i will try to make another effort. she knows where i'm at if she needs me but i wont make any more efforts. i understand that shes hurting over her ex but i don't think it gives her any right to treat us like this after all we've done for her in the past

anyways thanks everyone for your advice, i really appreciate it

marti101

Plus look at it this way your boyfriend sees your friend in a way youll never do and thats a good thing because hes not emotionally involved he can see all sides.Im sure you can say thre same bout 1 of his friends.I think if she has a habit of doing this then the friendship may have run its course,if you see her say hello but dont make yourself available again as you tried your best and in her eyes it wasnt good enough.Pmove on and enjoy your life and stop worrying over something youve no control over

smellybiker

if she's been slagging you and your other friend off behind your back, then leave her in the **** she's caused. i was taking the side of maybe she was just going through a really bad patch and that may still be the case - but that doesn't justify that bitchiness!!

at a time like this, she should do all she can to keep her friends near her and not be pushing them away!! friendship has definitely ran its course, if it is to begin again - she needs to do the leg work and not you!!

marti101

I agree if she is slagging you off your better off without her you have plenty of other friends and shes not worth the hassle.Let her stew in her own juice for a few months and then she might realise what a good friend she had.

Overheal

sharkie2008 wrote: »

i get what your saying but its not like her to keep to herself, its not what shes been like in the past anyway. i found out last night she's been slagging my other friend and i for weeks, saying she doesnt want to see or speak to us again and we've treated her like s**t. to be honest i'm just so hurt and angry with her now i don't think i will try to make another effort. she knows where i'm at if she needs me but i wont make any more efforts. i understand that shes hurting over her ex but i don't think it gives her any right to treat us like this after all we've done for her in the past

anyways thanks everyone for your advice, i really appreciate it

Well given the distance between you all over the last while and before this it sounds like she may be resentful of the fact that in her perspective you werent there for her when she really needed you to be.

sharkie2008

Overheal wrote: »

Well given the distance between you all over the last while and before this it sounds like she may be resentful of the fact that in her perspective you werent there for her when she really needed you to be.

do you think i should have gone to see her? or made more of an effort?

Overheal

sharkie2008 wrote: »

do you think i should have gone to see her? or made more of an effort?

Sharkie, I have friends I have seen only once since moving to Carlow and I've barely heard from them otherwise. They are like memories nearly. The last time I had contact with them was about a year ago save for last week, when I found out one of them appears to be dropping out of college a second time and by all accounts seems to be suffering a severe bout of depression as I speak.

As much as I would love to be able to drop all of my things and get up to Galway to meet up with them I have exams, I have a flight out of Shannon in 10 days, My belongings to pack up and bring back to ennis without a personal mode of transport and 40 euros with which to do that. And keep myself fed too. Simply put my hands are tied and I cannot go see my friend.

In my opinion, I think we do what we can.

Call Me Jimmy

sharkie2008 wrote: »

this may be long but here goes

a while back a friend (A) from home had been broken up with by her boyfriend and was very upset about it. we are in england at uni (me in the north her in the south) so she was feeling lonely and a bit homesick. so another friend (B) and i decided to book train tickets for her to come up to see us for the weekend. we thought it would be good for her to get away for a few days, clear her head and spend some time with us. after paying for her tickets our friend ended up not coming and we didn't feel like she had appreciated what we had done for her and ended up having a falling out about it


about a week later when things had calmed down we apologised to her for the argument and she told us that she didn't care anymore about the situation or about us and that if we were trying to be that nice we would have gone down to see her. this really annoyed me as we thought we were doing well paying for her to get away for a few days

so shes said she doesnt care about us anymore and that i was never a good friend to her. i am very hurt by this. we have been friends since we were kids. i have been there for her when her parents split, when her relationships have broken up, one of which resulted in an abortion. to say that i have never been a good friend hurts so much, i have always been a shoulder for her to lean on and have held her hand through many difficult times in her life but she has never done the same for me

anyways this was all a few weeks ago and i have made attempts to get in touch but she has not answered her phone and i have not heard back from her. my family, friends and boyfriend have all said i should just leave it as she has always been selfish in this friendship but i cant help but think its a sad way to end a friendship that I've had for 16years.

i just want to know what people's views are? i know that she wont contact me unless i contact her first but i feel i have already tried. does anyone have any advice? should i just leave it?

thanks for reading, i know its long

I think the important part of this is that she said she didn't care anymore about the situation. That to me screams depression, it may be fleeting but it's a sign of how low she is, she didn't say she hated you she didn't call you a bitch, she just couldn't give a **** anymore .

You have to understand that she has been sitting (probably alone) in her place thinking over and over to herself, "why the hell don't they want to come down to see me?" to which she answers "because they don't care" and thus she doesn't really see or believe you're reason that you thought the break would do her good.

I think she is just more hurt than you and thus has stated she doesn't care (and acted like she doesn't care since) so that it is her rejecting you now and she doesn't have to be hurt.

sharkie2008

Overheal wrote: »

Sharkie, I have friends I have seen only once since moving to Carlow and I've barely heard from them otherwise. They are like memories nearly. The last time I had contact with them was about a year ago save for last week, when I found out one of them appears to be dropping out of college a second time and by all accounts seems to be suffering a severe bout of depression as I speak.

As much as I would love to be able to drop all of my things and get up to Galway to meet up with them I have exams, I have a flight out of Shannon in 10 days, My belongings to pack up and bring back to ennis without a personal mode of transport and 40 euros with which to do that. And keep myself fed too. Simply put my hands are tied and I cannot go see my friend.

In my opinion, I think we do what we can.

yeah i get what your saying, just someone else had said i should get my ass down to see her. i just dont feel i can do any more, i have my own things going on here too.

smellybiker

i think this situation is a classic example of when people finish school and begin college. as hard as you try, you cannot stay in touch or as close friends as you were in school. sometimes you just have to accept that a friendship cannot last the distance and difference in two peoples lives.

also, people can change so much when in college - someone who felt lost and alone in school can very easily be the total opposite in college as they feel they have found their feet (this was me). i regret to say that i've lost touch with many school and college friends but you know what?? that's life...

i don't think this girl will appreciate any more of your efforts to help her. it may the case that she is depressed and so to ease your worry of this, maybe you could talk to someone in her family or another close friend that is still in touch - they can check on her and make sure all is okay.

your efforts then will be as much as is expected and it will still remain as her having to decide whether she would like to keep as friends (albeit with a sincere apology)

molloyjh

Sorry to hear that she has been mouthing off about you and your other friend. My opinion now would be to drop her like a hot snot. f she needs your help in future tell her that you were not impressed by what happened when you tried to help last time and that you know she was slagging you off. It really sounds to me like she gets what she can from people and doesn't really give a toss about them. You don't need the hassle or aggravation. You have other friends and family etc that actually give a damn about you. Focus your energy on them, they're worth it.

sharkie2008

molloyjh wrote: »

Sorry to hear that she has been mouthing off about you and your other friend. My opinion now would be to drop her like a hot snot. f she needs your help in future tell her that you were not impressed by what happened when you tried to help last time and that you know she was slagging you off. It really sounds to me like she gets what she can from people and doesn't really give a toss about them. You don't need the hassle or aggravation. You have other friends and family etc that actually give a damn about you. Focus your energy on them, they're worth it.

thanks molloyjh, ive been thinking the same thing, she doesn't seem to care about me so i think im just going to give up making an effort with her. she doesn't have many friends that she can rely on but i guess shes made it clear that its not my problem to worry about her anymore. my gran isnt well and ive got my final year exams at the minute so to be honest this isnt something i need on my mind right now.

i sent her an email, just said shes made it clear where i stand so although im hurt by how things have turned out i wont bother her again and that i hope she has a nice summer and her exams go well.

molloyjh

Still a crappy situation though...sorry. Hope your gran gets well.....