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breaking up with bf of 17 years

  • 13-05-2008 9:23am
    #1
    marti101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 954 ✭✭✭


    Im with my bf 17 years and im wondering whether to call it a day.I dont know if i love him anymore ,we have 3 kids together.We dont seem to be going anywhere but heres the thing i dont know whether he would leave.He doesnt help out really financially hell pay for bits and pieces even though he has a good job.Im out on maternity leave,so my money is down a good bit.Ive tried talking to him all he says is that i wouldnt survive without him .I think its the other way round,i left him before but he said he would change,so i thouight the relationship deserved another chace so i said yes.The other thing is that its my house,so im stuck here ,i think if it was his house i would have left years ago.I just feel stuck in a rut


Comments

  • #2
    RedXIV
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,493 ✭✭✭RedXIV


    If you don't think it's working, it's probably not. 17 years of a habit will be hard to break but not impossible and you'll def want to make sure you're kids are looked after before everything else.

    My advice. sit him down, tell him exactly what you told us. if he blows up, yup, time to move on, if he swears he's gonna change, try a probation period.


  • #3
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    marti101 wrote: »
    .He doesnt help out really financially hell pay for bits and pieces even though he has a good job.

    Are you telling me that ye have 3 kids together and he's not paying at least half of everything?!

    Either sit him down and tell him this is his last chance.
    Or, if you've decided this is the last straw, tell him to leave.


  • #4
    ChocolateSauce
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,892 ✭✭✭ChocolateSauce


    I'd say tell him the relationship has run its course. That doesn't mean you have stop living together. After all, you have kids. Make him pull his weight though. My mother had a boyfriend for 15 years from 1980-1995, and her boyfriend has been married to another woman from 1969-present. The married couple didn't love each other any more, but were friends and had kids, so they decieded to keep living together for the sake of security and convience. Maybe you should consider something like that?


  • #5
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    theozster wrote: »
    I'd say tell him the relationship has run its course. That doesn't mean you have stop living together. After all, you have kids. Make him pull his weight though. My mother had a boyfriend for 15 years from 1980-1995, and her boyfriend has been married to another woman from 1969-present. The married couple didn't love each other any more, but were friends and had kids, so they decieded to keep living together for the sake of security and convience. Maybe you should consider something like that?
    Worst. advice. ever.

    Seriously, just crazy!


  • #6
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    theozster wrote: »
    I'd say tell him the relationship has run its course. That doesn't mean you have stop living together. After all, you have kids. Make him pull his weight though. My mother had a boyfriend for 15 years from 1980-1995, and her boyfriend has been married to another woman from 1969-present. The married couple didn't love each other any more, but were friends and had kids, so they decieded to keep living together for the sake of security and convience. Maybe you should consider something like that?

    That only works if they are pulling their weights equally as co parents and in the running of the house which is not happening here.


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  • #7
    judas101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,581 ✭✭✭judas101


    MagicMarker wrote: »
    Worst. advice. ever.

    Seriously, just crazy!

    +1


  • #8
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    How old are the kids involved?

    I have to agree that if he isn't paying his share, despite him having a good job, and he promised to change, then it's time to have a heart-to-heart. The probationary idea is a good one.


  • #9
    Susannahmia
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,229 ✭✭✭Susannahmia


    theozster wrote: »
    I'd say tell him the relationship has run its course. That doesn't mean you have stop living together. After all, you have kids. Make him pull his weight though. My mother had a boyfriend for 15 years from 1980-1995, and her boyfriend has been married to another woman from 1969-present. The married couple didn't love each other any more, but were friends and had kids, so they decieded to keep living together for the sake of security and convience. Maybe you should consider something like that?

    :eek: Thats horrible, just about the worst situation any couple could get into! Very bad advice!

    Op kick him out if you do not love him anymore. If you want to stay with him I would suggest couples counseling. Whatever you decide don't trap your self in an awful limbo existence like the above example.


  • #10
    marti101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 954 ✭✭✭marti101


    my kids are 12 and 13 and 2 months old


  • #11
    allabouteve
    Closed Accounts Posts: 844 ✭✭✭allabouteve


    theozster wrote: »
    I'd say tell him the relationship has run its course. That doesn't mean you have stop living together. After all, you have kids. Make him pull his weight though. My mother had a boyfriend for 15 years from 1980-1995, and her boyfriend has been married to another woman from 1969-present. The married couple didn't love each other any more, but were friends and had kids, so they decieded to keep living together for the sake of security and convience. Maybe you should consider something like that?

    It would be very very rare that this kind of arrangement works out.


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  • #12
    ChocolateSauce
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,892 ✭✭✭ChocolateSauce


    MagicMarker wrote: »
    Worst. advice. ever.

    Seriously, just crazy!


    It's actually not. Now, it may not be for them, but the worst thing that'll happen regarding this advice is it won't be followed. Not everyone fits into a narrow band of "traditional" relationships. The fact is it worked for my mother's boyfriend, so it is obviously possible.

    Did I mention the three of them were all friends and mature adults? Which after 17 years, I assume the couple in question to be...

    Anyway, just thought I'd share some different advice from a fresh perspective. Take it or leave it, it's up to you, though I must admit I'm a bit annoyed at the bad reception from other people. It is not bad advice, just unorthodox advice that would probably only work with people of certain temperment. It's something I'd certainly consider in your situation. Anyway, good luck!


  • #13
    Esel
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,090 ✭✭✭✭Esel
    Not Your Ornery Onager


    Beruthiel wrote: »
    Are you telling me that ye have 3 kids together and he's not paying at least half of everything?!
    If he starts paying half the mortgage though, he then has some claim on the house.

    Op, you should tell him exactly how you are feeling. Have you considered relationship counselling?

    Not your ornery onager



  • #14
    marti101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 954 ✭✭✭marti101


    theozster wrote: »
    I'd say tell him the relationship has run its course. That doesn't mean you have stop living together. After all, you have kids. Make him pull his weight though. My mother had a boyfriend for 15 years from 1980-1995, and her boyfriend has been married to another woman from 1969-present. The married couple didn't love each other any more, but were friends and had kids, so they decieded to keep living together for the sake of security and convience. Maybe you should consider something like that?
    i dont think that would work in my situation because i wuld want a clean break and also i dont have a mortgage the housre is paid for so its not that id need him for that


  • #15
    How Strange
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,339 ✭✭✭How Strange


    OP, I think it speaks volumes that you call this man who've you've spent 17 years with and had three children with your bf. Surely after this length of time you would consider him your partner. To me it suggests that you've known for a long time that the committment just wasn't there.

    Having said that, it's just my observation and I could be way off the mark.

    Unless this guy is going to change his attitude then realistically you are better off separated and raising the children on your own. You seem to be carrying the greater burden anyway as it is.


  • #16
    missmatty
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,126 ✭✭✭missmatty


    At least the house is yours and paid for, so you don't have to worry about that anyway. Did he not contribute anything towards the house? If not then you could ask him to leave justifiably, and don't feel bad about it.

    It seems he takes you very much for granted, he should be
    pulling his weight with the kids and financially.


  • #17
    marti101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 954 ✭✭✭marti101


    He does help in other ways he does most of the housework but i think at this stage i need a break .Ive been with him since i was 18 plus my kids are at an age they know we fight and that so what to do for the best


  • #18
    Dave!
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27,857 ✭✭✭✭Dave!


    Be thankful that you're in a position where you have this option. Most women in this situation (an unhappy relationship) are still paying mortgages and/or don't own the house, so are up sh*t's creek and stuck with the other half for better or for worse.

    It's up to you really marti101. Just make sure whatever you do it's in the best interest of the kids.


  • #19
    marti101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 954 ✭✭✭marti101


    He has put money into the house so have i but i think what im trying to say that i think its run its course,but i have to tell him that and he has selective hearing .He only hears what he wants


  • #20
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    marti101 wrote: »
    He has put money into the house so have i but i think what im trying to say that i think its run its course,but i have to tell him that and he has selective hearing .He only hears what he wants
    Well if he refuses to go when you tell him, pack up his stuff, change the locks and make him understand.


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