What does a break mean?

LegacyUser

Hello,

I've recently beening told that my (ex)girlfriend needs a break, because she thinks we have grown apart. I know I can't change her feelings, I would never expect to. However when she say she needed a break I thought this was an excuse to make a break up easier. I'm not a massive fan of "breaks" as one would say as I feel that if you want a break you have reached a decision and no longer want to be with that person in question. But hey men think different to women. I did offer her the ultimatum that it's either a breakup or we are still going out. However she kept the choice of a "break" , I suppose in my mind I think it's over (but the heart thinks otherwise) why I didn't push the ultimatium well that was probably some part of me clinging on to something that I can have.

What does a break mean to women, is it a period of indecision or is it an excuse to attempt to make things easier on the dumpee (so to speak) ? While I have accepted the fact that I'm currently single I have no intention of getting into another reationship. Can anyone voice their opinions / ideas / thoughts?

Thanks.

Wibbs

How long are you together? Has there been any sign of this before(there nearly always is)? Has she been backing off on the amount of times she wants to see you? Do you suspect someone else?

Now others may disagree but I would say a break = breakup in the majority of cases. In a situation where you mutually agree to take it easy for a while because of exams or some other life thingy that requires you to concentrate on something else for a while, then I could see where a break wouldn't equal breakup, but even then not so good.

Something has happened to her feelings for you and her feelings as far as a long term future with you are concerned. Add in her comment about drifting apart and that pretty much nails it. She's lost the "spark" for you.

IMHO She's keeping the choice of a break because this makes it easier for her should she change her mind. She's hedging her bets basically. People will do this especially if they're not sure what's next for them. Hanging on to one branch as they look for another branch to swing to. I have to say women more than men are particularly prone to this.

My advice? If she asks for a break, give it to her. If she asks for space, give it to her. Treat it as a breakup. Don't be a safety net, it'll do you no good.

Kelly O'Malley

It may not be a break yet but it will be I'm afraid.

If she thinks that you're growing apart now then being apart isn't going to fix it!

It sounds as if she's trying to let you down gently...

Colonel_McCoy

sorry to hear this, but I agree sounds like an easy way to end things.

Wibbs

Kelly O'Malley wrote: »

It may not be a break yet but it will be I'm afraid.

If she thinks that you're growing apart now then being apart isn't going to fix it!

It sounds as if she's trying to let you down gently...

I agree. Except for the bit in bold. IMHO the only thing that may get her thinking is by you not being around.

Give her and you space, walk away and do your own thing. Move on if you can and see where that takes you. Nothing you will say will convince her otherwise. In fact saying or doing anything will likely have the complete opposite effect and push her further away. Pledging your undying love will also have little effect, she knows how you feel(I hope) about her, the truth is she wants this "break" because of how she feels.

StormWarrior

Well I can't speak for your ex girlfriend, all I can tell you is my own experience. I was very unhappy with my boyfriend and wanted to dump him but he had a temper and I felt it was just easier and safer to tell him, "let's have a break" and then let him know it was a permanent break up a few weeks down the line when he was well away from me. A break usually means they don't really want you any more, at the very least.

RedXIV

Wibbs wrote: »

She's lost the "spark" for you

This is pretty much the best line i've seen in this thread and not only that but it's leaving you instructions on what to do. A break is never a good sign, she might have forgotten the reason why you worked in the first place, if you're going to try and fix it, i'll throw out the advice i gave someone else here. Go have lots of fun. Show her whats she's missing. That may sound like complete nonsense but i promise you, if you enter this "break" and you look like a depressed lump, you're not gonna endear yourself to ANYONE. But if she's thinking about continuing this and she can see you as a popular, charasmatic and above all, happy individual, you stand a much greater chance of re-igniting that "spark"

Gareth37

Guesty_2008 wrote: »

Hello,

I've recently beening told that my (ex)girlfriend needs a break, because she thinks we have grown apart. I know I can't change her feelings, I would never expect to. However when she say she needed a break I thought this was an excuse to make a break up easier. I'm not a massive fan of "breaks" as one would say as I feel that if you want a break you have reached a decision and no longer want to be with that person in question. But hey men think different to women. I did offer her the ultimatum that it's either a breakup or we are still going out. However she kept the choice of a "break" , I suppose in my mind I think it's over (but the heart thinks otherwise) why I didn't push the ultimatium well that was probably some part of me clinging on to something that I can have.

What does a break mean to women, is it a period of indecision or is it an excuse to attempt to make things easier on the dumpee (so to speak) ? While I have accepted the fact that I'm currently single I have no intention of getting into another reationship. Can anyone voice their opinions / ideas / thoughts?

Thanks.

Shes keeping her options open

Overheal

Randy Pausch wrote:

You have to decide if you are going to be a Tigger or an Eeyore.

Go with Red's advice and be a Tigger

I think in this case you have to run on the assumption its over. That doesn't mean you have to jump into the next relationship by any means of course; use it as an opportunity to be single for a while and get some personal development done; enjoy the little extra freedoms; do something you've been meaning to; etc.

At least that way in the chance that you do get back together you can say to yourself you made the best of the time you were given.

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

Go with Red's advice and be a Tigger

I think in this case you have to run on the assumption its over. That doesn't mean you have to jump into the next relationship by any means of course; use it as an opportunity to be single for a while and get some personal development done; enjoy the little extra freedoms; do something you've been meaning to; etc.

At least that way in the chance that you do get back together you can say to yourself you made the best of the time you were given.

That's actually what i'm doing funnily enough, retail therapy works a bit too just blew one thousand yoyo on new outfits (I was in desperate need of). Plus I'm back to doing 20 km cycles a day.

Everyone here has just confirmed my thoughts on the the thread I started so that seems to have given me some reassurance which is nice. Thanks for the confirmation all of you makes a bit difference to chat about it.

GrumPy

A break to me means a temporary break-up. Basically, your breaking up, but there's a strong possibility that in x amount of time you will be in touch again and try to start over fresh.

Cazlou

Guesty_2008 wrote: »

That's actually what i'm doing funnily enough, retail therapy works a bit too just blew one thousand yoyo on new outfits (I was in desperate need of). Plus I'm back to doing 20 km cycles a day.

Everyone here has just confirmed my thoughts on the the thread I started so that seems to have given me some reassurance which is nice. Thanks for the confirmation all of you makes a bit difference to chat about it.

Great to hear you're making the most of the situation Guesty!:)

As for your q, I'd +1 the comment about keeping her options open.
In my own experience, I remember having several conversations(with my now ex) about friends who went on 'breaks' and I said to him that I don't believe in them because a relationship should be all-or-nothing, if there's a problem it should either be talked through and dealt with or if it's that bad then god-forbid, the relationship ends..

Fastforward a year or so and he TEXTS me saying he thinks we should have a break. Given that we'd had the above conversation many times, he knew what my response was going to be to that. Needless to say, I turned it back on him and told him we both knew right well what that 'request' meant and I wasn't gonna dangle around after all I'd done for him. By suggesting the break, he knew he was ending the relationship but was trying to twist it that he had tried to keep some semblance of a relationship.
To my knowledge he'd had someone else in the pipeline all along....:rolleyes:

I hope that made some kind of sense....:D

But bottom-line methinks, as do a lot of my friends, that 'breaks' are a load of codswallop!! But if a couple are talking about having one, ground rules should be set as to what that particular Break entails, otherwise you could end up with the Ross & Rachel "We were on a breeeeeeak!!!" situation and that won't be pretty!

LegacyUser

Women will say a break, but what they mean is they wanna break up, but don't want to be single.

If you assert yourself and don't take this bullsh1t, there might be hope for this relationship.

If ou can't or don't want to, get rid of her a.s.a.p.

"Break" is a load of crap - she's making an eejit of you.

encyclopedia

a break is just time away to sort your own head out.you may not have done anything wrong but sometimes you just can't handle the pressure of the relationship due to external pressure,(job college etc) just take the break as it comes don't have any doubts that you won't get back together.in the mean time just try to suggest stuff to be in her company (cinema bowling) but give her the space don't be all over her.respect her request of the break but you still being around as a friend when she may need just a friend will make her see that she can lean on you when she may need to.anyway good luck with it.:)

Tigger

Overheal wrote: »

Go with Red's advice and be a Tigger

I think in this case you have to run on the assumption its over. That doesn't mean you have to jump into the next relationship by any means of course; use it as an opportunity to be single for a while and get some personal development done; enjoy the little extra freedoms; do something you've been meaning to; etc.

At least that way in the chance that you do get back together you can say to yourself you made the best of the time you were given.

i'm a Tigger and put simpley when an ex of mine she'd like a little time apart i took that as bye-bye tigger luckly i was in college
a while later she wanted to get back and i had to point out that i was having far too much fun, girls like tiggers and miss them if they see them having fun

and btw if personal development means adding to girls that you know and perosonal freedoms means being able to chase said girls and things you've been meaning to do means her mates then this is excellent advice

"I'll show you," said Tigger bravely, "and you can sit on my back and watch me." For of all the things which he had said Tiggers could do, the only one he felt really certain about suddenly was climbing trees.

JackieO

She's trying to let you down gently I think.

Did this to an ex-BF a long time ago. Asked for a "break" even though I wanted to break-up. I just knew he'd be too devastated. He kept asking me to put a time frame on it and when I refused I think he kinda began to realise that we were actually breaking up!

pinkmonkey

A break means that she is a coward and too afraid of ending it the proper way. Did she ask for a break face to face? My guess is she didn't....I have learnt that most girls are cowards when it comes to ending a relationship. (Not all but most).

For the people who think it is a way of dumping someone in a nice / gentle way it isn't!!!
It shows you have no respect for the person you are with.

One girl I was with did it to me by text and has since been looking to get back with me (2 years later)...I swiftly told her thanks but no thanks and yes I did it face to face. We are kind of friends but never again will she touch me in anyway.

pinkmonkey

JackieO wrote: »

She's trying to let you down gently I think.

Did this to an ex-BF a long time ago. Asked for a "break" even though I wanted to break-up. I just knew he'd be too devastated. He

Don't you realise that it hurts the guy more in the long run??? It is even more devestating to learn that the girl lied by saying that she wanted a break when in fact she didn't want to be with the guy even more.

Iusedbecoooler

I was with a girl for six years...she told me we needed a break I didnt give her any space and we ended up breaking up for good....


best to just leave her space and there will probably be hope even if it gies against all natural instinct!
good luck:)

JackieO

pinkmonkey wrote: »

Don't you realise that it hurts the guy more in the long run??? It is even more devestating to learn that the girl lied by saying that she wanted a break when in fact she didn't want to be with the guy even more.

I don't agree that I hurt him more in the long run. After a few weeks of going on a break I told him that I couldn't see us being together again. And we never did get back together.

Wibbs

JackieO wrote: »

She's trying to let you down gently I think.

Did this to an ex-BF a long time ago. Asked for a "break" even though I wanted to break-up. I just knew he'd be too devastated. He kept asking me to put a time frame on it and when I refused I think he kinda began to realise that we were actually breaking up!

Maybe you're different but mostly when people use this angle they really mean is that it lets themselves off easy. They don't have to do the confrontation. Eases the guilt a little too as they don't have to see the other person as upset as they may be.

I don't agree that I hurt him more in the long run. After a few weeks of going on a break I told him that I couldn't see us being together again. And we never did get back together.

Well surely giving him a few weeks of uncertainty threw him a tad? If you had told him straight off the bat he wouldn't have had that. Look at some of the posters hereabouts who've just been dumped or told it's a "break". Cue them wondering if it's just a break, like the OP or others convinced there's still hope. That could all be solved with "I'm sorry, it's over and we both need to move on".


It's very straightforward, if you want to break up, be honest and break up. Not exactly difficult. OK you will have a bit of unpleasantness, but that's what life can bring at times. You take the rough with the smooth. People in the long run prefer a straight answer. Both men and women pull this break stuff, (but I have to agree with pinkmonkey it's more women in my experience). Again to avoid "unpleasantness" for them. The dumped and his or her feelings are largely secondary, though 9 times outa 10 that's the reasoning.

OP I would say again, walk away. Give her the "break". Move on or at least realise that it's over for now and most probably for good. Don't try to work out her feelings and or motives. You're feelings for her will colour your attitude and you'll try to twist it that it's only a break. Look at her actions. She for whatever reason has decided that she doesn't see a future with you at the moment. That's cool as that is what she wants. You dont want to be with someone that is confused about how they feel about you.

Walk away. Break all contact until such times as you've started to move on. Being "friends" at this stage when it's not a mutually agreed split is bad/ Simple as. Don't be surprised if she asks for your continued friendship as it's great for her, but crap for you. Worst case scenario she gets pangs of guilt, but she gets to keep you as emotional support helping her to move on. You will grasp at the straw of friendship, but the more you do the less likely you will get back with her and you will definitely take longer to get through this.

Wibbs

PS the reason I say the above is that I've seen it from both sides in the past. I broke up with one woman and let her down easy with the whole, break thing. Although I described it as "easing off". Same diff really. I now know I did it for purely selfish reasons. I didn't want a scene or seeing her upset. It was little to do with her. Sure I convinced myself at the time that it was to make it easier for her. It didn't and it doesn't.

She hung around for a good while and looking back she was still hanging on to hope of a rematch. I admit at times I even like the atttention, but it was very wrong of me.

Fast forward a few years and I got the chance to sort it out with her. I apologised and she accepted. She also told me that she had pulled the break line with guys before me, but I had been the first in her adult life to dump her and use the line. She never came out with that line after that as she knew what it could do to someone.

BTW She's now all loved up and happily married. Better guy for her than me too. So that's good.:)

chuci

i dunno it sounds like she is letting you down gently. but in personal experience me and my boyfriend went on a break during finals last summer in coll just so that there would be no pressure on either of us to meet up etc and that we could just concentrate on exams. we got back together after and nothing had changed or felt weird.but thats just my experience.

[Jackass]

In my opinion, if someone in a relationship looks for a break, you should make your feelings known on how you don't want it to end (if this is the case) but accept it and respect their space.

Agree for somebody to get in touch. I.E. "Take the time that you need and call me when you're ready".

Probably over simplified there, but basically worst thing you can do is fight it as they probably feel crammped and overwhelemd already as it is and is sure to force them to a more rash decision if they can't have some space to put everything in perspective.

JackieO

Well maybe you are right Wibbs. Maybe it wasn't fair on him and I should have been straight up with him on day one. But I did try to do what I thought was best in the situation. He was still my best friend at the time and I still loved him. I just knew that I wasn't in-love with him.

And to be honest, I don't think that it was in any way selfishness on my part. I thought it was easier to say that I wanted a break - wasn't ready to get married than "I'm just not attracted to you". Its took 4 days of being with him 24/7 talking the whole thing through just for him to allow me to go and agree to take the break. However, he then told me that it was either break-up for good or not at all. To which I told him I would prefer to break-up.

Anyway, that was a long time ago..............we are both happy with other people now and I hope to never have to be in the situation again.

LegacyUser

Well it's over, as I expected it to be , unfortunately she did it over an IM which I was highly disappointed with considering the amount of time we were living together as well as going out, I suppose I felt she just didn't respect me enough. I know it was difficult for her, but it was difficult for me too, she did mention it seemed "very cold" but what do you expect over an IM. I'll forgive that no point in holding a grudge over it. Well now it's time to jump into a period of healing I'm surprisingly in such good form, maybe it was because the last 8/9 weeks I was on an emotional rollercoaster, and I was expecting it. Then again it maybe hasn't hit me (hopefully that isn't the case). I just wanted to thank all you fine people for the inputs and support. It's means to much to get it out of the system. And as a friend of mine says "A problem shared is a problem doubled" hehe

Thanks again folks.