should i stay or should i go?

LegacyUser

Been with my current gf for about 3 years now. love her to bits. Im a weak souled person though, and cheated on her in the past. she found out about it about a year ago and broke up with me. I begged her to come back to me, and after lots of work and effort, she did. Since then the relationship has been good, but with this cloud constantly hanging over us. Its brought up all the time by her, and i understand its my cross to bear, but its getting very upsetting for me, as i was truly sorry, and wish i could make things the way they were.
She has issues with self esteem, which affects our sex life significantly, again, i feel like i cant complain, because if i even raise they point she shuts down and accuses me of wanting to cheat on her.
This girl is my best friend, and the most beautiful girl in my opinion, and i see myself married to her, but im scared that this will always get in the way, and our relationship will become totally unworkable. we have huge arguments over stupid things, she freaks out over tiny details (like how pots are arranged in a press) and always throws the trump card of "I'm lucky to have her at all" on the table. I've spoken to her about it and tried to explain that while what i did was not fair, she had agreed to give us another shot, so constantly saying that is not giving me a fair chance. instead of seeing itfrom my point of view, she says its not her fault.

I told her i'd never hurt her again, so i don't feel like i can break up with her, and tbh, im not sure i want to. but something needs to change, and soon, cos this is really getting to me lately.

Sesame

Hi,

Its not going to improve until your girlfriend learns to forgive and forget.
To go forward both of you need to want to make it work.
She needs to decide does she want to get something out of the relationship. If so, then she needs to put something into it and make an effort. Its a two way thing.
I've just finished a pre-marriage course which really pushed the issue of learning to forgive and forget. If you keep raising old arguments and using it as ammunition in the future, the relationship will go stale.

anonymous_joe

Look, I've had problems for a possibly similar reason before - low self-esteem is a serious problem, and not something you can deal with easily. Cheating on her proves to her that she should have low self-esteem, i.e, she probably took it as confirmation she's ugly/terrible in bed/whatever.

You need to give her time, and be very gentle with her emotions. Let her begin to see how beautiful you think she is, and let her build up her self-esteem. Also, don't try and point out how right you are, I've done that before, and I even won the argument, but it didn't help.

You should go slowly, and as kindly as you can. And for the love of God, don't cheat on her again! At least not that you get caught, that would shatter what trust she has in you.

RedXIV

anonymous_joe wrote: »

You need to give her time, and be very gentle with her emotions. Let her begin to see how beautiful you think she is, and let her build up her self-esteem. Also, don't try and point out how right you are, I've done that before, and I even won the argument, but it didn't help.

Ummmm i'm not sure i can agree with that. Not trying to raise you or anything but from what the OP has described, he's become a doormat in this relationship.

OP, what you did was wrong, and yes you were lucky to get another chance but if you don't eventually stand up for yourself, i'd put money on this relationship ending anyway. She may have been justified in the first while of your rekindled relationship but a year on is taking the piss.

You obviously have alot of feelings for this girl but in order to salvage this relationship, you need to sit her down and explain she can't hang you for this mistake forever. Restarting a relationship should mean a clean slate for both, at the moment, you don't have this.

token56

Trust is obviously the main issue, either she trusts you or she doesn't. I am sure you have said to her that she can trust you but you could see her point of not. However as already said if she really wants the relationship to work she needs to let go of the problems in the past, trust you now and not bring up these problems. Obviously you have to be able to fulfill this trust.

I suppose its a question of will she ever truely trust you again and if so how long will this take and how long are you willing to wait for this trust to build up. If you really want to take the relationship to the next level hard decisions have to be made, by both of you.

LegacyUser

well i've done that and i guess she agreed after a while, but she repeatedly lapses. its not even just that, its constant arguments and the whole thing with her self esteem. i get angry cos shes like this, and think i should just break up with her, but then when i think about it i realise its all my fault. her self esteem is shot cos i was with someone else, the arguements are cos I damaged us. I dont want to face life without her. but i feel ike im stuck between a rock and a hard place now, ive messed everything up.

Sesame

You've told her that you won't do it again. And I assume you told her how much you want it to work. Therefore, now its up to her. I think you need to say to her that she has a choice. Either put the past behind and start the relationship afresh without any reference to the past or make the decision to move on without eachother.
If she can't put it in the past and not bring it up again then thats the decision made really.
Its up to her at the end of the day. It will be impossible to sustain it as it is currently. Obviously, use a gentler tone than that! But the way it is now is not healthy for either person.

Money Shot

If she's bad now - she'll be twice as bad once you're married . Are you sure you aren't just trying to make things right out of guilt as opposed to actually loving her.

I don't want to belittle 'self esteem' issues, but adults need to keep their own house in order, and not constantly need reassurance from others that they aren't ugly, crap in bed, whatever. You can't pander to her every mood just because you done something a year ago.

May some sort of arbitrator, councelling and such would help you both get it all out and get over it.

P.S you say she found out about a year ago - how long before that did you do the actual cheating. And was it a one off or a full blown affair ?

Wibbs

RedXIV wrote: »

OP, what you did was wrong, and yes you were lucky to get another chance but if you don't eventually stand up for yourself, i'd put money on this relationship ending anyway. She may have been justified in the first while of your rekindled relationship but a year on is taking the piss.

I have to agree with the Redzer on this one. Yes you screwed up royally, but she may be using this as a shorthand for everything that's bad in her life and the relationship. It's a learned response and crutch for her and may be hard for her to give up on it even if she knows you're sorry and it won't happen again. That can't go on for both your sakes.

You obviously have alot of feelings for this girl but in order to salvage this relationship, you need to sit her down and explain she can't hang you for this mistake forever. Restarting a relationship should mean a clean slate for both, at the moment, you don't have this.

QFT.

You can never prove to her how you feel or prove to her it'll never happen again, she just has to trust it won't and you're truly repentant and have moved on from it. In a funny way I've found the more you apologise for something like this(or any other drop in trust) the less of a healthy response you will get or result you will achieve.

I think you do have to sit down with her and tell her with feeling how sorry you were and are and how sorry you are that your mistake is still hurting her and you as a couple. Tell her you love her now. Tell her you respect her, the relationship and yourself more now. That respect and love runs deep. You wish she could see that and understand how much of a shock it was for her, but the past is the past. It happened and you learned what you needed to from it. What you learned was, you want and love her and only her. She needs to feel that and accept that while you were a gobshíte before that's not the man in front of her now. Tell her that this has to be the last time this comes up, as the constant repetition of this is doing nearly as much damage to the relationship as the act itself.

Say something like that once and only once. If she pulls it again, you may have to reexamine your relationship.

kelly1979

speaking from experience as my partner cheated on me, my self esteem suffered as a result. however as another post mentioned my feelings are my responsibility not my partners.

it was a long road and at times i did throw his mistake in his face eventually he told me that doing this really hurt him and why it did hurt him so much.
once i heard this and knew that he was genuine about what he was saying i got over it.

2years down the line we're now stronger than ever. you must be brutally honest with her.

wish you luck, you obviously do love her because if you didnt you would have jumped ship months ago and not stay and face the consequences.