Don't know where to start

LegacyUser

Last year I was diagnosed with depression. I'm a 20 year old female with so much going for myself. I'm doing well in college and have finally overcome my shyness so am starting to make good friends. I'm getting to be well known around college (in a good way) and it's great. I have a great boyfriend, I get along brilliantly with my family, bar one person. I just changed my job and now love what I'm doing and the staff are lovely too. I came off my anti-depressants in January after being on them since this time last year.

Except now I feel like crap again. I want to sleep all the time. I never want to socialise. I can't motivate myself to study for my college exams. I argue with my boyfriend all the time. I feel like everyone is out to get me and I just can't take it. I've slowly been getting worse and worse over the past few weeks and I think I'm at rock bottom now. I'm so lonely but yet don't want to socialise with anyone as it's too difficult to hide that I'm depressed again. When I do meet my friends everything is fine and I'm happy but as soon as they leave I'm in tears again, it's like I'm so happy I'm depressed. I'm even hiding my depression from my boyfriend despite the fact that he was the one who supported me in getting diagnosed initially. I've also told him that I don't want to see him for the next two weeks because I just can't manage it. He thinks it's because of my exams, but I can't bring myself to say 'I'm depressed'. When I do I feel like I'm just doing it for attention and that I'm not actually depressed at all. My family don't know either. I don't want to talk to them about it. Everything is going so well for me that I feel selfish for going to them and moaning again. Other people have it so much worse. I don't want to go back on the anti-depressants either and don't have time to see a counsellor or anything like that. At the same time I tried that before and I didn't like it. Again, I felt selfish for moaning.

I just don't know what to do. Why can't I just accept that things are good and be happy for myself? Why do I always get like this? Is it possible to get depressed from being so happy? I just need someone to talk to, someone new but I don't want to be that girl with the issues either so I hide it. I know tomorrow, or the day after, or whenever I'll be fine again but right now I just want to cry to someone. I want someone to hug me and tell me it'll be ok but everyone is at home and I'm in college. I want it to be that time when I'm happy again.

I know this is just a confusing rant and I'm sorry.

Kevster

Hey,

I'm a 25 year old male and have been having problems with depression in a major way since I was about 17. Some people need huge changes in their lives every now and then. Why? - because they become so comfortable doing one thing that they 'overdo' it and eventually get bored. What I'm saying here is that - perhaps - you have become bored with life.

For the moment, I think your primary objective should be to get through the exams. Ignore the boyfriend if he is just going to upset you. Love issues can really mess up our lives - Be the strong one here and say to yourself that you are not going to let it (i.e. - the relationship) ruin things for you at this present time.

Take care,
Kevin.

Overheal

exhaust wrote: »

I'm a 20 year old female

I have a great boyfriend,

Now I feel like crap again. I want to sleep all the time. I never want to socialise. I can't motivate myself to study for my college exams. I argue with my boyfriend all the time. I feel like everyone is out to get me and I just can't take it. I've slowly been getting worse and worse over the past few weeks and I think I'm at rock bottom now. I'm so lonely but yet don't want to socialise with anyone as it's too difficult to hide that I'm depressed again. When I do meet my friends everything is fine and I'm happy but as soon as they leave I'm in tears again, it's like I'm so happy I'm depressed. I'm even hiding my depression from my boyfriend despite the fact that he was the one who supported me in getting diagnosed initially. I've also told him that I don't want to see him for the next two weeks because I just can't manage it. He thinks it's because of my exams, but I can't bring myself to say 'I'm depressed'. When I do I feel like I'm just doing it for attention and that I'm not actually depressed at all. My family don't know either. I don't want to talk to them about it. Everything is going so well for me that I feel selfish for going to them and moaning again. Other people have it so much worse. I don't want to go back on the anti-depressants either and don't have time to see a counsellor or anything like that. At the same time I tried that before and I didn't like it. Again, I felt selfish for moaning.

I just don't know what to do. Why can't I just accept that things are good and be happy for myself? Why do I always get like this? Is it possible to get depressed from being so happy? I just need someone to talk to, someone new but I don't want to be that girl with the issues either so I hide it. I know tomorrow, or the day after, or whenever I'll be fine again but right now I just want to cry to someone. I want someone to hug me and tell me it'll be ok but everyone is at home and I'm in college. I want it to be that time when I'm happy again.

I know this is just a confusing rant and I'm sorry.

I find that depression is mostly about being ashamed of yourself so yes its very difficult to get over those things and be able to talk to someone while you do it.

The other major problem you have to identify is that depression really attacks your sense of self-worth: You stop thinking you are worth other people's energy or that they dont care. It makes it even harder to approach them. It also really screws with your motivations for studying.

Why not just bite the bullet and let your Other Half know you're depressed again?

Caoimhín

Hi,
I'm going to be a bit strict here. You came off your medication and now you feel like ****e again, what were you expecting? I have climbed this mountain before and believe me, stopping your medication without talking with your Doctor is never a good idea.
You say you don't want to go back on the anti-depressants, well what would you say to a diabetic who was gravely ill because they stopped taking their medication because they didn't want to?

LegacyUser

Kevster - your post made something click with me. I think I'm the opposite to you. My depression kicks in when things are changing. Like now, I'm finishing college for the summer, starting my job full time and moving from one place to another. The last time I got depressed was just before Christmas and I was living in another country. In the last couple of weeks I got very very depressed as again, I was finishing college there, leaving my job and leaving the country. A bit of self-analysis - my parents divorced when I was 4 and I had to move from one end of the country to the other. We moved a couple of times, my parents weren't together and I started a new school. Maybe that's the start of it and maybe when a lot of things change it makes me feel like I did when I was 4.

Overheal - Thanks, your post honestly made me smile. I think that's what I need. I don't want to tell someone I'm depressed and have them tiptoe around me. I think I'm afraid that that will happen if I tell to many people. I also don't want to use it as an excuse for being moody or too lazy to do anything.

LegacyUser

caoibhin - I consulted my doctor first and he agreed that I come off them. I was only supposed to be on them for 6 months but ended up taking them for 9. He lowered my dosage initially and them had me take them every 2nd day and so on until I was weaned. I didn't just stop taking them for no reason.

Redpunto

Yep, sounds like you need to be back on the meds.

lucernarian

Where does it say that she went off the medication of her own accord?! Let's not jump down the girl's throat.

Perhaps it's a good idea to see what's happened with your life, and where it's going. I know with depression it can be hard to see the wood from the trees. If you can see the joy in your life, it might make things easier. If you are fed up with your current scenario, never forget that you can always up your life a gear. Where there's a will, there's a way.

Your friends will try their best to pull you through it and help your willpower when it falters. Don't be afraid to seek their help, because you'll have chances in the future to help them when they need it.

LegacyUser

caoibhin wrote: »

Hi,
I'm going to be a bit strict here. You came off your medication and now you feel like ****e again, what were you expecting? I have climbed this mountain before and believe me, stopping your medication without talking with your Doctor is never a good idea.
You say you don't want to go back on the anti-depressants, well what would you say to a diabetic who was gravely ill because they stopped taking their medication because they didn't want to?

there is good advice there, except she never said she went off the anti depressants against doctors wishes.

exhaust, I get ya, Ive just come off anti depressants after being on em for 3 years. And I too feel like Im sinking again. Its tough because you dont really notice what the tablets are doing until you have to fend for yourself.

but lets get one thing clear, you are not moaning, your are not being selfish. Ok? going to see a counsellor is not moaning. Im training to be a counsellor right now, and they dont see it as moaning. ever. I think the people that go to counselling are the brave clever ones, the ones that arent sticking their head in the sand but willing to talk stuff out. Its never moaning

If being on the tablets kept you upbeat and happy then maybe consider staying on them. Or else talk to someone and work out the issues in your head. You have to do something, you know you want to or you wouldnt have posted here asking. But you have to be proactive in beating this thing.

I dont want to go back on tablets either but if I have to I will. I wont forsake my happiness for the sake of a tablet in the morning.

And dont apologise for needing a rant. Your allowed these things in life, life gets tough on everyone, we all get confused and we dont need to apologise when we need to vent. If we didnt vent we'd explode.

dont feel bad for feeling like this, its not like your choosing to, its just happening to you same as it happened to me and millions like us.

good luck in your exams and I hope you start to feel better again, whatever decision you make

JuliusCaesar

I keep saying this:
you think with your brain.
When you're depressed, the organ affected is your brain. (in the same way as when you're high you can't trust your thinking)
Your brain is thinking depressed thoughts, not normal rational thoughts.
When you're depressed you CANNOT trust your own judgement.
Therefore, listen to the experts: your doctor for a start. Did yuu get any therapy? If you stop anti-deps you're back where you started unless you bring about change yourself.......that\s where cbt comes in.

Overheal

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

I keep saying this:
you think with your brain.
When you're depressed, the organ affected is your brain. (in the same way as when you're high you can't trust your thinking)
Your brain is thinking depressed thoughts, not normal rational thoughts.
When you're depressed you CANNOT trust your own judgement.
Therefore, listen to the experts: your doctor for a start. Did yuu get any therapy? If you stop anti-deps you're back where you started unless you bring about change yourself.......that\s where cbt comes in.

Something between this and Caobhain's post about Diabetes has intrigued me, to see the brain just as another organ.
It just seems very strange from a metaphysical point of view that you should not be able to control what goes on in your brain. After all thats where you do all your thinking. You thing something or learn something and the change is happening there at the chemical level.

It's just hard having to accept being on a medication for something you should otherwise be in direct control of, which is why I've never been on them of my own accord. But there might be a point here.

If you stop anti-deps you're back where you started unless you bring about change yourself.......that\s where cbt comes in.

Personal development in depressed people still happens it just happens much more sporadically than for most people and it relates to the highs and lows. Effectively, during the lows you are identifying your flaws and thinking about ways to change and the highs are where you are free-willed enough to implement it. It's true though to an extent: pick the pills or pick self-help, but you have to have at least one.

OP the simplest self-help method I have is to find something that has potential reward, that you don't particularly feel like doing and do it. For me, thats cleaning. I get the vacuum out and just go nuts, reorganize everything in the room and tidy up. The other is updating my Visa. I dread visiting the immigration office everytime I go because normally its an unpleasant experience where I'm usually given out to about something or they take more money off me that I don't have. But once I finish with anything like that it does give you a minor dose of accomplishment/relief and in most cases is just right for what ails you - just a little kick to get the tracks moving again. Organizing the room for instance really reorganizes my head sometimes.

edit

Exhaust wrote:

Overheal - Thanks, your post honestly made me smile. I think that's what I need. I don't want to tell someone I'm depressed and have them tiptoe around me. I think I'm afraid that that will happen if I tell to many people. I also don't want to use it as an excuse for being moody or too lazy to do anything.

I dunno. I've told people before. I think. People don't talk to me about it anyway. Nor are they afraid of treating me like any other person. Usually though you don't end up using it as an excuse: wise people are quick on the uptake when something is wrong with someone. Even lecturers will be quick to notice the sharp drop in your attendance levels. The flat mates notice when they dont see you for 3 days. Friends notice when you don't return their calls.

You don't have to say look I'm depressed guys cut me some slack just tell them its been a shitty couple of days and work from there. Its not an excuse its the truth.

Monkey61

OP you have to go back to the doctor. Did you have any therapy whilst on your ADs? You should have and you definitely need some now.

If your depression is not circumstance related then it isn't just going to go away. Anti depressants probably aren't going to make it go away either but can certainly make it easier to live with.

I have been depressed for 17 years (24 now) and only started taking medication 6 months ago and am still trying to find one that works well. Your pretty lucky if you found one straight away that did.

There is nothing wrong or shameful about being depressed or being on medication - if you need it and it makes your life better then so be it. I held out on AD's forso long becuase I didn't want to be stuck on them forever. Then I thought - why? I will probably have to be on some kind of medication for the rest of my life and that's actually okay. I have a mental disorder and it needs to be treated.

So yes - go to your doctor.