Melodrama melodrama!

LegacyUser

So sorry about the length of this, I'm just so bad at cutting things down. It's mainly a rant, but any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks.

My boyfriend and I started seeing each other 4 months ago. We're mad about each other and tell each other regularly how much we like each other. This is a whole new experience for me as I have shied away from committing to someone my whole life, but with him it's different. This time I've opened myself up to him, and him to me, or so it seemed.

We're not perfect of course, we're both moody feckers, and can bounce off each other quite badly when we're like this. But we snap out of it fairly soon and are back to full form straight away. Once we stayed like that for a weekend, but once we talked we were absolutely fine, and laughed about it.

Up until Friday 3 weeks ago, things were good. Not brilliant for him because he'd had a very bad week that week, ranging from issues with health, his ex-girlfriend, work and money worries. But we were good. He'd called in sick to work, I was getting a lift to his place where I was going to play nurse for the evening, and we'd planned to spend the weekend together just relaxing at his place. Then, his lodger, who has been one of his best friends for 3 or 4 years threw a complete hissy-fit that I was spending too much time at the house. He owns the house. She's there about 4 nights a week. In the previous 3 weeks I'd spent 3 nights there when she was there too, and I've always made a real effort to be nice to her, make her tea and stuff, and to not be over familiar in the house while she's there. But she didn't care. They had a massive argument, I couldn't go over to the house, he was miserable and angry and didn't know what to do. She threatened to move out, which he can't afford because he's under a lot of strain with his mortgage, and his house isn't situated in a location that has queues of people looking to rent a room. But he stood up to her, and for over a week and a half they had blazing rows. Over me.

Since then, although we kept telling each other we weren't going to let things come between us, they have. His head is all over the place and he's not happy. But instead of coming to me and talking to me, he's completely shut me out and acted like an out and out prick. He's an asshole on a Tuesday, then apologises and apologises on a Wednesday, and then the cycle is repeated on Thursday. I've tried giving him space, listening, getting mad, getting upset, running away, asking him to see me, but nothing has worked. Because he's in such a bad place in his head, he's treating me like ****. And this makes him feel even worse, I know.

It came to a head this week. He eventually agreed to see me, I thought we were going to spend some time together and talk things through, but he wanted to finish it. Well, he suggested it was an option. He asked me to take a few days in which we wouldn't have any contact and just think things through. Which is a very sensible thing of course. But I'm not even sure why he's suggested us breaking up. He says he doesn't feel like he knows me at all at the moment, but that's because he's pulled away completely from me and just won't even give us a chance to reconnect. I'm so confused. And less than 12 hours after he suggested us having no contact, he emailed me to ask how I was, finishing it off with kisses and stuff. I don't know what to think.

What do I do when we meet to finalise this? Tell him to feck off and sort his head out? Or keep bending over backwards to suit him. I'm not a fairweather girlfriend, I'm more than willing to be there for him when he's got stuff going on, but I'm being pushed and pulled in all directions by his problems, and it's making me miserable. Thing is, I'm still mad about him. What do I do?

And sorry about the length......

seahorse

Stumped wrote: »

He eventually agreed to see me,

Here's where you're going wrong, right here in these five words - they speak volumes about your attitude towards this relationship and your role in it and it's an attitude that's been getting you nowhere and frankly it's one you need to lose.

Dont EVER offer a man your company again if he's turned it down once. Dont EVER send a man a pleading card/text/email if he didnt respond to the last one, and dont EVER call a man back if he's ignored the call before.

Pablo Picasso once said: "There are two kinds of women in this world, doormats and godesses". The way your partner views you is entirely down to you since he will be making that judgement based on YOUR behaviour, so what do you intend that view to be?

I'm sorry, but if I ever got to the point where a man "agreed" to see me I'd just fling myself into the liffey and be done with it. A man in your situation would be damn lucky to see me if he put me through that sort of flatmate from hell BS.

LegacyUser

I am in the very same place as you are now, the only difference is I've deleted his number, we agreed to meet at the weekend, I made a suggestion and got no response.
I've deleted his number and won't be contacting him.

Redpunto

Hes being a fe*ker,,,,,making ya feel like ****, wanting to break up then emailing ya kisses,,,,he is messing with your head. You really need to give youreself space from this fella,,,,as in YOU DECIDE when to make contact, NOT HIM. Issues surronding him should really not affect your relationship, sure it can make him pissed off but not pissed off at YOU. Like you said yourself, get him to sort himself out first, being in a relationship is supposed to be a good thing:)

littlefriend

Stumped wrote: »

What do I do when we meet to finalise this?
Why let him take up more of your time so that he can let you down gently, confuse you and make you feel crap.

Tell him to feck off and sort his head out?
Just tell him to fck off full stop.

it's making me miserable.
Its the summer, the weather is gorgeous and you are in love - you should be walking on air - he's not worth getting yourself down over.


Thing is, I'm still mad about him. What do I do?
TBH the guy sounds like a total pain in the ass and the relationship seems to be totally centered around him, his money/health/ex girlfriend/work/housemate/house etc..boo hoo what a boring fcuker - apart from all the other stuff do you really need to listen to all that? What on earth will happen to him if he has a real problem that he has to deal with.

Anyway, its easy to say walk away etc etc but when you are into someone its not so simple. Maybe you could try looking at it like this : think of something from a couple of years ago that was important to you - exams, learning to drive, an approaching holiday maybe?? Whilst they seemed like a really big deal at the time now they are just a vague memory. You are probably thinking about him non stop at the moment. Thats totally normal but it will pass and like everything else will become just another thing from your past. Also, whilst now you feel like you are mad about him, you may just be obsessing about him and the situation which is very different. Get away from the guy before he has the chance to really hurt you.

The thing is that once you are standing up for yourself you will feel better. Ridiculously, that will probably make him interested in you again.

Also, wtf is going on with the house mate? Does she want him for herself - I can't see any other reason for that behavior unless he made it up as a way to break up. It just seems a bit weird that a guy who is capable of behaving like a pr*ck to you is willing to be dictated to about what is allowed go on in his own house.

Beruthiel

seahorse wrote: »

.

Dont EVER offer a man your company again if he's turned it down once. Dont EVER send a man a pleading card/text/email if he didnt respond to the last one, and dont EVER call a man back if he's ignored the call before.

Amen to that!
OP
Have some self respect. Know that you deserve to be with someone who knows how fantastic you are.
Never settle.
Personally, I wouldn't contact him again.

How Strange

+1 for Seahorse, I couldn't have put it better myself.

I've swayed between the two definitions depending on the man and the ones that come crawling back are the ones that I tell to feck off, I've had enough of your messing around.

Your bf sounds like a bit of a coward to be honest and is that the type of man you want to be in a relationship with? The dynamic of your relationship has now been established -he'll throw a wobbly and you'll beg.

Unfortunately OP, I think the writing is on the wall here and you should get out with your self respect in tact.

Marksie

If anyone reading, male or female, finds themselves in the situation the OP is, Seahorse's post is the most pertinent, direct advice.

OP maintain your self respect and understand you need NOONE to make your life complete, and in particular you do not need someone who will act like this.

Before you say "but i love him". Thats the biggest cop out and excuse we have for justifying allowing this to happen to us.

Hold your head high, you have tried all avenues as i can see, walk and dont look back. He is responsible for his own actions and his own happiness and unhappiness, so are you.

Tell yourself you are worth more than this, that you deserve the basic respect due to anyone.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys. I needed a boot up the arse! You are all right, I need to stop acting like a doormat. It IS all about his problems and his sagas lately, I feel like a little puppy sniffing about his legs waiting for any crumb of affection or time I can get, but instead I get a swift kick up the rear to get out of his way. This is not me, not my personality at all. I'm very independant and outgoing, but this has knocked me for six.

The worst of all this is how this guy who's making me miserable, made me so completely happy up until this wobbly that he's thrown. He treated me beautifully, made me feel special, put me first, was completely devoted to me. I don't know this new person! He has said the same, that the old him is in there somewhere and is trying to come back.

As for the flatmate situation - it's farcical. No, there are no romantic feelings involved, but maybe she's jealous that I'm stealing her thunder, that she's not number one anymore. She's used to getting her own way and wants her best friend back on her own terms.

Anyway, you are all right. I'm not hanging around anymore. I've contacted him and told him that we are to meet later today or not at all. And I'm going to read through all these comments before I do meet him and stop being such a spineless wimp.

Well, I say that now - I'll probably be a blubbering mess.

LegacyUser

OP I can totly empathise with your situation.

My ex bf and I broke up 2 weeks ago after 7 months and the whole 'i love you' thing for the exact same reasons. To be honest it was a little spooky reading your post! :O

I have to agree with what Seahorse and the other posters are saying, I got into the dangerous territory of spending my time waiting for a call/being glad of the intermittent texts while simultaneously being the one who listened and sympathised with all his problems.

Ultimately it just made me feel tiny and insignificant and I realised that I wasn't getting as much out of the r'ship as I was putting in. A sense I'm getting (perhaps mistakenly?) from your post.

I think a lot of people underestimate the effect/power friends and housemates can have on their OH. The thing is though, do you really want to be with someone who allows these other people to have such an influence over your relationship? If it's started already the likelihood is that it's a problem that would keep reoccurring.

Please realise that you're worth someone loving you the way you deserve and that you shouldn't settle under any circumstances.

Chinafoot

littlefriend wrote: »

Also, wtf is going on with the house mate? Does she want him for herself - I can't see any other reason for that behavior unless he made it up as a way to break up.

I have to say, that's the first thing that popped into my head when I read that part of your post. From what you've said you haven't been there that much at all and I have to ask, did you actually see or hear any of these arguments or did he just tell you this before you were due to go over.

Also, who suggests breaking up as an option?! Either you want to be with someone or you don't. It sounds like this guy is doing the cowardly, immature thing of treating you like shít in the hopes that you'll dump him and save him some hassle. So far you haven't done that so now he brings it up as an "option".

You're being taken for a mug. Walk away.