Friends, rumours, gossip, and lies.

LegacyUser

How do you deal with a ‘friend’ who spreads rumours and stories about you behind your back

A few months, this guy messed up things between me and a girl I was dating (at the time, I didn’t understand why her behaviour changed) but found out about damaging stuff he said – exactly the kinda things (which were outright lies) which kill an early stage relationship.

When I found out, I began ignoring him but it became continuously hard given our roles within a small group of five friends who I value a lot. He pleaded for forgiveness, I attributed it to his humour (not Irish, near-Asian background), so I moved on and we got on generally ok (albeit with occasional tension).

Now a few weeks down the line, I discover he has been spreading some quite personal stuff (basically true but exagerrated) to other friends of mine outside of the above; stuff that is absolutely none of his or their business.

This is also doing a good job at making things uneasy between me and a girl I am dating now (although she knows the truth, bringing back painful memories and finding out other people are spreading these does not help an already fragile situation).

Talking to him doesn’t work.
Ignoring him doesn’t work and is impossible.
So I’m not sure what to do and looking for suggestions (and I don’t think violence or revenge is an answer either).
Any ideas?

(you’d think this is about a group of teenagers, we’re all in our mid to late 20s)

biko

Confront him in front of your friends?
"Truth will out"

Lollipops23

it sounds to me like this guy is seriously jealous of you, and so that's why he's spreading stuff about you. It's horrible when someone you think you can trust does something like that.
I'd say try to tell each member of your group about this (individually) and explain that he fecked up a good thing you had going with the girl, and that he needs to stop it. Then, next time your all in the pub, poiltely confront him. The others will have each heard how upset he has made you and will more than likely side with you.
Ask him to explain his actions and exactly what was going through his mind when he divulged such private details about you.

Zulu

Absolutely. It's the easiest thing in the world to resolve. Wait until all the friends are together, and then confront him. Correct all the lies and ask him has he a problem with that.
Tell him you have already warned him about this behaviour. Ask him what he hope to achieve in continuing.
Don't let anyone side track or shut you up.
Get you're point across.

Remember he is not your friend.

joeybloggs

Who needs enemies with a friend like that?

Time to grow a pair mate.It's bad enough at what he is doing, but to let him walk all over you is just plain sad.Your in your late 20's as you say, its time to man up and stop it here and now.
The problem with the cold shoulder is that we all expect to see the effects of it clearly and ASAP, which is just not the case.
However it is the best technique if reasoning is beyond him and you don't want to make things too difficult for your other friends.His desire for attention with his vivid story-telling means that a reduced lack of recognition will strike a nerve, be it eventually.Maybe then he may see the error of his ways.If not, cut him out again, for a much longer period of time.