Living Such A Lonely Life

LegacyUser

Hi,

Well it's 11pm on a Wednesday night, and here I am alone, as usual in my place, swapping between sitting infront of the TV and sitting at my computer or just pacing around my apartment listening to music or anything to pass the time so that a new day can begin and I can get back to being around people or just doing something.

I suppose I'm writing this because I don't really have any close friends I can talk to and I just feel pretty pathetic and like I'm wasting my life.

I'm 25 and I live alone in my one bedroom apartment. I have a handfull of "friends" that I've picked up along the way in my life, but really at this stage they are just people I know. I've always gotten on with well people and in work I have friends from 9 - 5, Monday to Friday, but that's about it.

I have a brother I spend some time with and my parents who I visit just for someone to talk to (and because I love them of course )

Other than that I suppose I've just drifted through life, always fairly popular and gotten on well with people but I never really forged any close intimate friendships at any point in my life, and whether it be school or college or jobs or anything like that, I never really hung around long enough to make long lasting friendships and as I moved on, blissfully unaware of what I was doing, forgot all about that part of my life and opended a new chapter.

The only thing I do or place I go where I can possibly meet new people on a regular basis is my job. I pretty much know everyone in there now but as far as having a social life with them, we go for the odd beer but they all have their own lives and friends they go and see things with and do things with and I suppose no body would ever know it to talk to me that i'm probably the biggest loner they know...I have no actual friends...not one.

I haven't recieved a text or phone call in four days. If i didn't work I could actually be dead for the gutts of a week and nobody would have even suspected a thing or had a clue. I don't know if you can imagine what that feels like, but it's as sole destroying as it sounds. You do not matter to anybody and you are not missed by anyone.

So what have I done to try and rectify this? Well, I suppose I've gotten in touch with a number of "acquaintances", but they lead to nothing more than brief chats or a quick drink but since we don't really have any common ground in our lives we just talk about the past and once that's covered I suppose we go our seperate ways...to them it's just catching up, to me it's crying out for a friend, but obviously I can't be as pathetic as to point this out to them but can only suggest "doing it again sometime".....

I've always done ok with girls, I mean when I've been in any of my previous "groups" of friends that I found it all to easy to walk away from and never look back, when we went out I met plenty of girls and had a few girlfriends, one or two that I hurt and one or two that hurt me, but none of which I can ever go back to.

I'm now at the point that my only access to society and meaningful interaction is the internet. I've apprehensively tried dating websites, which for anyone else out there will know, is possibly one of the most soul destroying thing for a guy to do. You reply to fake adds to get your email or message people who never respond and for the 10% of girls who are real and approachable you're competing with a million guys just to get her attention and of those girls not even half are that good looking really. The type of girl if you had a lot of friends and were in a pub you wouldn't look twice at, but in the world of internet dating you're trying to think of something whitty and special to say just to grab her attention. I'm sorry, but if it's not pathetic, it certainly feels like it (sounds very bitter I know, maybe I am).

So where do I go from here? Change job so I can meet new people? I've done that once already and it didn't really work out, I can't just keep changing job.

Go out clubbing? On the occassion I get an invite to something, I get girls numbers the odd time, but sometimes it can be difficult to get to meet up and stuff and I don't get an oppertunity or "in" to meet and be in a position to start up a conversation with the type of girl I would like to be with, and if I'm out with one buddy and we're "chatting up" girls, to be honest they're not into it and I can't blame them. So I probably wont meet a girl that I will really like and she will really like me through the natural course of my every day life and I wont meet many friends at this stage of my life who don't already have a very settled life and settled friendships and relationships that they would go out of there way to bring me in and introduce me to their whole world and groups of friends etc., it just doesn't work like that. I'm the guy on the outside that people know and go for the odd drink with and hang out with, but that's it, and as time goes on, these final links, gradually, slowly but surley, get weaker and weaker.

I don't even know if people know I'm a loner, but I always go to things on my own when I'm invited, I never bring a friend (as I have none) or introduce them to anything because there's nothing in my sad pathetic lonley existance to introduce them into.

All I want is a pretty girl who's cool and laid back that I can have a laugh with and show her love and affection and get some back (my god I must sound like an idiot! but it's true) and a few buddys to watch football with and have some banter. It's not a massive thing to ask of the world or life in general, at this point all I'm looking for is the most average mundane life, but I can't get that, now what'll probably happen to me is that I'll settle for a girl that's not right because they're so few and far between I'll end up just taking what I can get, probably in about 10 years, another 10 years of this and I'll surley be a broken man, if I find anybody at all!!!

And I'll have no friends to do some things I want to do, I want to travel, go to Oz for a year see the world while I'm still young. I want a girlfriend I adore and who adores me and share things in my life with her too...I've nobody...nobody to talk to, nobody to share anything with and nobody is sharing things with me...I'm an insignificant piece of sh*t on the heal of your shoe, you don't even know I exist.

Tomrrow will be five days since the world forgot me. What should I do with these precious moments of my life?? How do I fix this before I'm that old guy who lived at the end of your street since you were a kid and always looked the same, no matter how older you got, he was always walking his dog alone and years after you left home you hear he died and that 30 seconds of thought you give it and that very brief mild feeling of sorrow you get is all the mouring he recieves...I don't want to be that guy! Can anybody help me out there?? Please!!!!?

Thank you for taking the time to read this cry for help.

Monkey61

Okay let's look at the positives here - you get on well with people you work with, you seem confident enough to go to social occasions by yourself and you say that you have always been popular with people.

From what i can imagine - everybody you meet thinks you're really cool and sorted and I'm sure presume that you have your entire life running smoothly and busily and thus they don't invite you out to more stuff because they presume that you have your own circle of friends etc and will turn them down!

It's time to get really proactive on this one. If anybody you work with is into football or whatever you're into, why don't you ask them where they're going to watch the match and then just tell them that you might come along. Then do! this is a particularly great one because there's no pressure on anybody and the more the merrier for matches.

Ask workmates what their plans are for the weekend. If they tell you a place that they are going then say that you've heard it is good and ask what it's like. No doubt they will then invite you along. If not it might just be time to stick your oar in and invite yourself.

If you are in to any particular type of music then find people in work that share your interests and get talking about going to gigs, clubs, etc.

Don't be afraid to butt in on people's groups of friends - this is after all how you make friends! Take it for granted that most people are going to have their own groups - this is not a bad thing, it is an opportunity for you to meet loads of new people not to mention women - that you have loads in common with.

Even grab the bull by the horns yourself and organise something in the workplace. If you have always wanted to go to paintball, or some pub that serves lots of foreign beers or anything like that just start asking people if they want to do it.

Don't be embaressed about your lack of existing friends. The problem isn't that there is anything wrong with you, it's just that you have never let yourself get close to people. So be open and willing to do that, engage people in little things like this and most of all make other people feel that they are important to you and before you know it you will slowly build up an army of friends!


So don't lose heart. This is going to take a lot of hard work on your part but it is really going to be worth it!! Good luck.

How Strange

+1 to Monkey61's advice and is pretty much what I was going to say.

Drummerboy2

You say you like watching football. What about playing it. There are loads of soccer teams always looking for players. You can find your own level. Its a great way of meeting new friends. Most clubs will be starting back training in July. You could join your local GAA club also.

AngryBadger

I monkey61 has made some excellent points OP.

To which I'd like to add that if you spend all this time on your own this is becoming much, much bigger in your head than it actually is. I know from experience that it can seem like you're the loneliest guy on the planet, and that when you meet with friends/acquaintances from the past it feels like "****...what did we ever have in common, why is there none of the old spark here?". Then you both wander back to your own lives and rarely hear from each other again.

Part of the problem, which everyone has, is that as you grow, you don't have the same opportunity to meet new people. When you're a kid, or in your teens, you're constantly surrounded by people. You're in school everyday, and it's odds on you encounter at least one new person in that environment every single day. College is the same (if you go to college). But work, and the real world in general is different, you're limited to a much smaller group of people, and even when you're in their vicinity, the only real opportunity you have to engage them is over coffee/lunch/the occasional work outing, and even then it's a dicey situation since everyone is VERY aware that you're all work colleagues..

I'm in a job I love right now, and the people I work with are for the most part really cool. I actually do hang out with them every now and then outside of work, but even then I find myself thinking I'd prefer to have my own circle of friends and not have to rely on people I work with for social intereaction.

Anyway, I could go on for hours about having the same problems you're talking about, but I'd rather give you some advice.

1) You say you live alone in a one bedroom apartment. Would you consider moving to an apartment with a few other people? Or maybe a house? I suggest this because I tend to be a bit of a lone wolf, so often times all I want to do is chill out on my own without people around to harass me. But I know that could be disastrous as I'd be quite capable of not socialising for weeks at a time which would leave me completely alone with just my own thoughts for company if I lived alone. So one of the reasons I still live out in Celbridge is that i was fortunate enough to find a house with two really cool people, which means that even if I don't have time to go out, or can't find someone to go out with, I always have them to socialise with at home. Sometimes that means we might head to the local for a drink or two, sometimes we might play some Wii tennis, sometimes we might just sit in and watch TV. The point is I'm not alone in my own head 100 % of the time, and I think if you were living with some other people then neither would you be, and that would help you to get some perspective on your situation.

2) As has been suggested, join something. ****ing hell, join a bridge club if that's what it takes. Anything that vwill get you out of the house and into the company of other people. Ideally something you enjoy, like a football club as Drummerboy2 suggested. but ultimately the most improtant thing should be to get you out of the house (even if you move somewhere to live with other people), and amongst people.

3) Women. Look, a lot of people, including many women, are still looking for "the one" and spends huge amount of their life going "wtf is wrong with me, why can't I meet someone, why do the encounters I do have lead to nothing????". The short answer is, there is no answer. Some people spend their whole lives looking for someone, and then suddenly they just find them in the most random of circumstances. Some people are a little luckier, in that they find someone earlier. In relation to yourself the only thing i would say, and I don't mean to be mean at all here, is that when you're pining for a partner/friend, it tends to show. You may not realise it, but you could well be putting out a seriously "needy" vibe. There's nothing wrong with that, but from the perspective of a girl you're flirting with it can be off-putting. I'd suggest putting women on the back-burner for now until you've had a chance to implement some of the other things mentioned in the thread. It's obvious that if you can get the odd number you don't have a problem attracting women, so maybe just take a break from that for a while, and see how it goes for you in a few weeks when you've got a fresh take on it.

What I'm saying here is all in a bid to get you out of your own head. ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY has been where you are one time or another, myself included. The biggest problem is that when you've got no company but you're own thoughts, and you're feeling kind of low, we have a tendency to inflate that feeling into something much bigger, and suddenly instead of a slight wrinkle you're dealing with a frakking mountain of misery, and loneliness.

So I can't recommend strongly enough at least considering moving to another place where there are more people. If you own the apartment you're currently in then I'd consider letting it out to someone. At the end of the day your own quality of life is far more important than own four walls, and a roof.

And join some kind of group! Come to the boards beers at the end of June! Do anything that gets you out among people and I promise in a few weeks you won't even remember what the problem was.

Hope this helps OP!

RedXIV

+1 to AngryBadger, I can tell you pretty honestly my best group of friends comes from the martial arts club i joined. Getting out there and trying new things is the key! you said yourself you have no problem talking to people, this is def not something you couldn't fix within a few days.

Marz66

Hey there,

Theres some great advice already above.

People you meet from your past are used to only catching up with you and maybe work people are used to only discussing work. You could try to find some common ground with these people in the present and outside work e.g. could you suggest going to a rugby match if you follow rugby, even saying you're trying to organise a trip to England to see a soccer match but everyones so busy, would a few from work be interested, or even just watching it at the pub. Saying to someone, well actually, you can't find someone free to watch this film/play/gig, would they be interested in coming. You seem to be well liked so I'm sure people will take up the chance to get to know you better - say something like, if you want to bring anyone else too, thats grand, thats another person to get to know and ye wont run out of things to talk about. It wouldnt be so bad to come out and say, 'Lads, we get on so well at work, we should really start organising stuff outside work, like soccer matches every Saturday, sure I see ye more than I see everyone else!'

For any people you do know at the moment, try staying in touch with them if they move away or move jobs, they might be glad of a familiar face as they get used to their new situation.

On the subject of girls, you said it can be difficult to meet up once you get their numbers - make the effort - leave work early, whatever it takes, if you are interested in the girl. Clubbing probably isn't the best way to meet girls anyway. I think doing new things and going to new places is the best way to meet people e.g an evening course to learn a new language, joining a tennis club etc..I know it sounds a little sad but its not and you won't meet new people, especially girls if you stay in the same circles.

In the meantime, try not to be so down, come up with new activities to do in the evenings so you don't feel like you're wasting time, like joining a gym, taking up a new hobby etc. Moving in with more young people is also a good idea. The world hasn't forgotten you, they think you're a pretty good guy, they just don't know you very well at the moment. And don't forget its possible to go travelling on your own, there are some organisations that organise group trips for people travelling on their own, like this Irish one - http://www.thepattclub.ie/index.htm That would be another way to meet people, best of luck.

Velvet Vocals

I agree with all previous posters. You should join a football game or what about any other kind of sports thing? (I use the word thing coz I'm not big on the sports) Even consider joining a theatre group or music class or something where people interact, you'd meet new people and get out in the evenings. even a language class or anything that takes your fancy there are loads of schools that do a million different evening classes, get in there, you could learn something and meet someone. I'd focus on the making friends aspect of things first and then think about the girl friend.

Come to the next boards beers.... I'll hang out with yea.

skelliser

you say you would like the guys round to watch the footie well this sunday is the last day of the premiership, goin down to the wire etc, why not invite a few of the lads from work round yourplace to watch the drama unfold!!
a week after that is the CL Final again why not invite people around to your place, or even strike up a conversation about it and you may get asked around someone elses gaff!
Soon after that the european champaionships start! woohoo! why not get a pool goin in work were everyone picks a team, theres bound to be invites to ppls gafs to watch matches thrown around etc.
as you can see i love football!

Velvet Vocals

wow, I never realised that football isn't the only reason for watching football. Thats cool!!
Actually, you know when I read the first part of post (before you said you were 25) i thought you could have been my flat mate, he's in exactly the same situation. The only difference is he has me and we chat every now and then but I'm out a lot and I have a partner. He's completely obsessed with football and just sits in and watches it on his own. You guys should totally hangout together

ebbnflow

Hey there,

I empathise with you completely. Look at that glorious sunshine, it's not an easy time to be alone.. and they say winters the difficult time of year, come again!
I'm not sure I know where to start with regards to giving you advice, considering I'm in a very similar position, 21f, recently moved back to dublin, no real established group of friends, but if you want to have a chat about it sometime you can reach me on msn. ebbnflow@hotmail.co.uk, perhaps we could shed a little light on where we're both respectively going wrong. In the meantime, chin up! honestly I know from myself there's only so much you can actually let yourself be miserable as sin about it, how else could you possibly go on!! it's tough, at the very least, know you're not alone in your situation. take care.

muppetkiller

Why don't you move into a new place ?
One bed appartments are lovely when you've got a lot of friends or are in a relationship but a lonely place on your own.
You could also look at getting bar work in the evenings ? you'll meet loads of people that way ?

Kazobel

Not sure if it was suggested (some replies are really long ) but have you considered going to one of the BGRH meets?, the lads are sound and a fair few of the girls from LL go to them too (and at times arrange joint meets) so if it's football, beers and junk food you're into you can't go far wrong and from what I've seen over the past year or so alot of people have formed really good friendships, incase you don't know BGRH is here. Drop into the virtual bar, say hello, get to know a few people and maybe consider popping along to the next meet, you've nothing to lose but alternatively you may gain a few friends, good luck

LegacyUser

muppetkiller wrote: »

Why don't you move into a new place ?
One bed appartments are lovely when you've got a lot of friends or are in a relationship but a lonely place on your own.
You could also look at getting bar work in the evenings ? you'll meet loads of people that way ?

+1

Good number of my close mates were from living with them in entirely random circumstances (I didn't know them before).

BubbleWrap85

I don't want to go into a big long reply here, but if you would like to send me a private message op, go for it. Rest of the lads have offered great advice up there. Those BRGH meetings are great craic I'd say.

TheCaveman

Here is a nice way to meet new people, and no pressure...

Meet once in a while, something to eat/drink...

www.thelunchclub.com

Because eating alone is boring....

Kazobel

ebbnflow wrote: »

Hey there,

I empathise with you completely. Look at that glorious sunshine, it's not an easy time to be alone.. and they say winters the difficult time of year, come again!
I'm not sure I know where to start with regards to giving you advice, considering I'm in a very similar position, 21f, recently moved back to dublin, no real established group of friends, but if you want to have a chat about it sometime you can reach me on msn. ebbnflow@hotmail.co.uk, perhaps we could shed a little light on where we're both respectively going wrong. In the meantime, chin up! honestly I know from myself there's only so much you can actually let yourself be miserable as sin about it, how else could you possibly go on!! it's tough, at the very least, know you're not alone in your situation. take care.

BubbleWrap85 wrote: »

I don't want to go into a big long reply here, but if you would like to send me a private message op, go for it. Rest of the lads have offered great advice up there. Those BRGH meetings are great craic I'd say.

There you go OP, two good offers and some really good suggestions and if you meet up with Bubblewrap then you both don't have to appear at a meet on your own so it's win/win

Dudess

Do you own or rent the apartment? If you rent, why not move in with a bunch of people? You're only 25.

Hobo Sapiens

Maybe you're a narcissist and you don't actually like other people? Narcissists think that they're great, that everyone loves them, but they never have real friends.

Check this out: http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissismglance.html

Velvet Vocals

Hobo Sapiens wrote: »

Maybe you're a narcissist and you don't actually like other people? Narcissists that think they're great, that everyone loves them, but they never have real friends.

Check this out: http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissismglance.html

or maybe he's just a nice guy that got stuck in a rut and needs to get out and about a bit more.

OP, try that first before reading books like that... not dissing hobo sapiens advice or anything, but you might want to wait a few years before you test out that theory.

pepsi1234

Hello Lonely guy,

First of all I feel for you and kind of in a similar situation.

Anti-social is probably not the ideal word to describe me. I have high expectations of other people and get frustrated with people quite easily. I also enjoy spending time on my own, but sometime I do feel lonely.

So, I took a year out from my life to go teach english. I wasnt expecting anything at all, I just went.
There I met a super nice girl and we became close close friends, something I hadnt had for a long time. Why we got on so well is because she was very much like me (She described herself as anti-social etc)

I also was hit on by the girl of my dreams and had a girfriend. I was also taking language classes and became close friends with my teacher.

When I came back to Dublin, I fell into the same pattern of no friends,being lonely etc.

I think in hindsight it's because I have very little in common with the average Irish person. I am also much busier(rushing here and there) than the previous place and do not have time to talk to people in a meaningful way (I dont like small talk very much)

So basically what Im saying is, it's the environment that you are in that doesnt suit the way you make friendships/interact with people. I definately think you should have a complete change of environment . ie Go to OZ!!!

Hope this helps and good luck. Let us know your desicion!!

JuliusCaesar

you are not alone.....

http://newintown.meetup.com/662/

BubbleWrap85

Kazobel wrote: »

There you go OP, two good offers and some really good suggestions and if you meet up with Bubblewrap then you both don't have to appear at a meet on your own so it's win/win

Lol I haven't been to a meet yet so he'd still be turning up on his own :P Although maybe I could be a Meet up virgin too!

LegacyUser

hey OP I'm in the exact situation..Living alone too in a 1 bed as I had bad experinces in the past living with assholes who took over the various houses I lived in while I stayed in my room and kept to myself.

yes there are decent house mates out there but are few and far between.

I am in a worse situation as I am the quiet guy in work, I'm older than you and I have absolutely NO interest in football or sports or anything for that matter. I have no motivation to try new things out either, it's easier said than done for people like me.

I have gotten used to my own company, so yes I am a loner. I havent kept in touch with people I met throughout life so far (nor them with me), although I have made the effort with old friends. Lots have moved on unfortunately. Nobody contacts me except family.

Would love some nice friends I can just go out with. All I have is my family down the country.
I have no problem meeting girls when I'm out (mostly work nights) but I end up lying to them about having other friends and things I get up to (or dont get up to!) when I date them. I dont like doing this.

I know what you're going through mate...I will be sitting in every night this weekend, unless I go for a drink or 2 on my own. I have no life, never mind a social life. All I have are memories of rare good times of my sheltered youth. It's been like this for years, I dont know any better or any different way of life.

What have I done to deserve this...??? I'm a good guy.

Kazobel

BubbleWrap85 wrote: »

Lol I haven't been to a meet yet so he'd still be turning up on his own :P Although maybe I could be a Meet up virgin too!

Well that's what I meant hon, if you both met up before hand then you'd be virgins together showing up to a meet which is 100% better than being a virgin alone turning up

LegacyUser

Why don't you both try Ceili Amor? On tonight! (google them)

PS Marksie, can't see how to PM you but don't want to register on work computer

Marksie

JoeJoe90 wrote: »

PS Marksie, can't see how to PM you but don't want to register on work computer

Well you can't PM as your not registered .

lily lou

Hi Lonely Guy,
You said you'd love to travel, to go to Oz for a year. well a few years ago I did the Oz trip with a group of friends, the plan was to work hard and then spend the last 6 weeks travelling but for various resons 1 by 1 the others all dropped out of the travelling bit but I really wanted to go so I headed off on my own and it was the best thing I ever did. Now I'm fairly shy and don't find it that easy to make friends but I met so many people and was delighted I did it. In general people tend to do the east coast trip either from Cairns to Sydney or the other way around and as most people spend between 4 and 6 weeks doing it you tend to meet the same people everywhere you go so even though you're alone you're not alone. Also when you are on the working holiday visa people in jobs tend to be a lot more sociable as everyone is away from home and in the same situation, I know it's a very long way to travel on your own, but if it's something you really want to do it might be worth it.

Just remember you're not alone, I have lots of friend but most have partners so my social life has really changed and I often feel lonely, there'll always be people who need friends and you've got some really good advice here, good luck:):)

TheCaveman wrote: »

Here is a nice way to meet new people, and no pressure...

Meet once in a while, something to eat/drink...

www.thelunchclub.com

Because eating alone is boring....

Excellent, really like this idea:D

mrsdewinter

OP; same boat:
some good advice here. Good advice re travel. Takes you out of your comfort zone. You'll never regret it.

LegacyUser

Totaly agree with Lillou. I did the same a few years ago, after my mates all dropped out of going to Oz. I went on my own on a working hol Visa for a year. Best thing I ever did. I was never bored and nearly always with people. Working in bars, hostels and fruit picking were the most sociable as you tend to work with other travellers. Hostels are great sociable place to stay in and also Guided tours are brilliant craic and you met loads of people. When your in a new enviroment you can become more confident too.