Sex life sucks. Worried.

LegacyUser

I have been with my boyfriend for three years now and our sex life has always great and plenty full.

However the last four months or so sex has been very infrequent, and he never seems to initiate anymore. I asked him a few times but he just said he was tired or that he was stressed out.

Eventually it came to a head one night about six weeks ago we were doing some foreplay and he was really excited, however when he went to go inside me he went soft.

He broke down and told me that this keeps on happening to him and that he was so embarrased and ashamed about it that he was avoiding sex. He said that he had been too ashamed to tell me and was hoping it would just sort itself out.

I really love the guy and I am in it for him not the sex, but I must admit I feel rejected and am starting to resent him for it. He is really stressed out with college at the moment and sometimes couldnt sleep from it. Could this be a cause? Also he has been smoking because oif the stress. Could This be a cause?

He was doing his dissertaition but that has been handed in two weeks now and no real change. Exams are coming up but the stress it lifted to a good level I would think. I have tried to talk to him but he just says he is stressed and changes the subject. I am lucky if we have sex once a week at this stage and dont know what to do.

At this point I am even worried that it is me and that he doesnt fancy me anymore, I have put on over a stone and a half recently, this year has been stressful for me too, but I am not huge. He has also put on a lot of weight too, three stone, I dont care about that. I have said it to him and he says that I am being silly and that he notices no difference and that I am beautiful.

Gah I dunno! has anyone experienced anything like this? I dont know what to do.

Marksie

The first thing i saw was the lack of communication issue.
Your boyfriend eventually admitted that he was too embarrassed to tell you and you are now feeling resentful because you percieve that you are being rejected.
So start communicating... you can work on the reasons why yourselves but stress can be a major factor, so can losing fitness.

Next: You were indulging in "foreplay" so he was getting excited?/ Then why dont you step back and make massage and foreplay the whole and not the prelude to anything else.
Penetrative intercourse is only a small part of sex. Plus massage is a wonderful destressor. So go back to basics and enjoy what is working, let that be the way to relieve the stress and reconnect

Make time for each other and even begin some form of gentle exercise together, tackle the fitness issues as well.

If he is breaking down and you are thinking that he doesn't fancy you then it is a downward cycle you are getting into.

singloud

Stress is a HUGE issue as regards to erections.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote: »

The first thing i saw was the lack of communication issue.
Your boyfriend eventually admitted that he was too embarrassed to tell you and you are now feeling resentful because you percieve that you are being rejected.
So start communicating... you can work on the reasons why yourselves but stress can be a major factor, so can losing fitness.

Next: You were indulging in "foreplay" so he was getting excited?/ Then why dont you step back and make massage and foreplay the whole and not the prelude to anything else.
Penetrative intercourse is only a small part of sex. Plus massage is a wonderful destressor. So go back to basics and enjoy what is working, let that be the way to relieve the stress and reconnect

Make time for each other and even begin some form of gentle exercise together, tackle the fitness issues as well.

If he is breaking down and you are thinking that he doesn't fancy you then it is a downward cycle you are getting into.

Thanks, some good ideas there. I guess I just dont know how to approach him about this, like I have tried to talk about it but he doesnt want to discuss it at all. We are both planning to hit the gym hard after college.

Memnoch

Lots of different things can cause erection issues. Stress, as mentioned above can be a major contributor. Part of the problem here is that a viscous cycle has been created. He can't get hard, and is worried about getting hard, and the more worried he gets about it the more he thinks about it, which is not likely to make him feel aroused, he ends up putting too much pressure on himself and this results in repeat "failure," and so the next time it gets even harder.

Solution?

1) Don't be too hard (no pun intended) on him. A man's penis (even in 2008) is a large part of his ego, and the fact that he took so long to confide in you shows just how much he is affected by this. So take the pressure off him, DEFINATELY do not resent him, and don't make unhelpful comments about how he is making you feel unsexy

2) Let him know that it's okay. You understand that this is a normal thing that can happen to ANY guy and happens to MANY guys (except me), and that you don't expect anything from him that is not on his terms. Tell him you love him all the same and are willing to wait as long as it takes and he doesn't need to feel any pressure from your end.

3) Break the cycle. There are lots AND lots of activities you can enjoy as a couple without penetrative sex. Doing so will allow you both to have fun and release your sexual energies without the pressure he is currently under.
Do oral.
Do a 69.
Have him lie on top of you with his penis between your legs and hump against him. This is a very sexy position as you can kiss and send tongues exploring.
Allow yourselves to orgasm without penetration

Once the fun gets back into the sex he will automatically start to get aroused and stop obsessing. Before you know it he will be hard as a rock and rearing to go.

4) Make yourself sexy for him in all the ways that only a woman knows how. Lingerie, roleplay, whatever.

5) Discuss your favorite fantisies together. Ask him to tell you what his dirtiest, most perverted fantasy is, but be preprared to not judge, and be prepared to reciprocate his confidence with your own.

There's lots more but this should get you started.

AngryBadger

Marksie wrote: »

Next: You were indulging in "foreplay" so he was getting excited?/ Then why dont you step back and make massage and foreplay the whole and not the prelude to anything else.
Penetrative intercourse is only a small part of sex. Plus massage is a wonderful destressor. So go back to basics and enjoy what is working, let that be the way to relieve the stress and reconnect

Best advice yet, sexual intercourse doesn't HAVE to involve penetration. If your bf is having erectile difficulties at the point of penetration then jsut remove this from the equation for now. Take this as an excuse to explore other avenues of sexual gratification between the two of you.

This removes the immediate pressure, while also relieving the obvious sexual tension that's there now

Also, as has been said stress is a MAJOR part of many cases of erectile dysfunction, from the sounds of it you're both under a lot of pressure right now, and I can see how that could be preying on both of you in a lot of subconscious ways.

Normally I'd encourage ongoing communication, but from the sounds of it your bf is just under too much pressure between this, and his exams right now to be able to handle addressing this little issue. Remember that while both genders desire sex, generally it's more of an issue for men since a lot of guys feel their performance in bed is a mark of their manhood, so if they can't perform, they're not men. Granted you cold argue this may seem outdated, but the fact remains that there it is. Pushing your bf to discuss this before he's ready will only cause problems I think.

If he shows a willingness to discuss it the fantastic, go for broke. But since he's being to reticent, I'd leave it for now and go down thw route of trying other ways of satisfying each other. In the longer term i suspect you'll find he's more willing to confide in you since by removing the pressure of penetration (which seems to be the trigger right now?) you're presenting him with an alternative means of re-dress without actually forinc him to confront something that he's not ready to deal with right now.

Once the exams/results are out of the way I'd hope the prolbme rights itself, it may even do so before then if the "enhanced foreplay" works out since a HUGE part of his current pressure load will have ben removed.

Anyway, best of luck OP! oh and sorry about my lousy typing

Marksie

frustrated wrote: »

Thanks, some good ideas there. I guess I just dont know how to approach him about this, like I have tried to talk about it but he doesnt want to discuss it at all. We are both planning to hit the gym hard after college.

Well if he doesn't want to discuss it then it is his issue in communication he really has to address that. I now you would probably feel that you wouldnt want to be nagging but its affecting you too.
I think that angrybadger has hit on apoint that it may be seen as too muhc to cope with something like this as well.

So perhaps in the short term for this, you have ideas what is behind it, simply accept where its coming from, but keep the connection going. (you know another thought occurred to me, that since he has put on a lot of weight as well, he may have issues with his physique?...but that is by the by really..you will be dealing with that as you have said and the exercise will definitely help all around)

The thing i would suggest is taking a proactive approach, you said he doesnt initiate. But if you were to ask for a massage for example or would he like a massage ..without expectations that sex would occur..would he be amenable?
You go with the flow and see where it develops.
Take on board what is being said by posters, and you take the lead.

gogglebok

I want to echo something Marksie said. I think the fact that he has put on three stone could be a big part of this. If he's less comfortable with his body, he's going to be less comfortable with sex. Your exercise plan is a good one, but you don't need to wait till after college. Why not go for a stress-relieving walk every now and then?

How it started can become almost irrelevant, though. What lands on the penis stays on the penis. A man can be stressed about Portsmouth's gappy midfield. If that affects his sexual performace once, the stress will now centre on sex.

It sounds to me as if he has anxiety about penetration, so I second the advice about love's non-penetrative delights.

He could also see a doctor, who will not be shocked or embarrassed by anything, and might prescribe a little blue kickstart. Does college have a free medical service?

Good luck anyway. There is no reason why this should affect your confidence. It's a test for a relationship, but it's not a life-threatening one, and once you're through it you will be a stronger and deeper couple.

LegacyUser

AngryBadger wrote: »

Normally I'd encourage ongoing communication, but from the sounds of it your bf is just under too much pressure between this, and his exams right now to be able to handle addressing this little issue. Remember that while both genders desire sex, generally it's more of an issue for men since a lot of guys feel their performance in bed is a mark of their manhood, so if they can't perform, they're not men. Granted you cold argue this may seem outdated, but the fact remains that there it is. Pushing your bf to discuss this before he's ready will only cause problems I think.

Heh I wish I had read your post last night. I ended up trying to talk to him about it again , this time I kind of pushed for an answer. He just says that he doesn't know and pretty much what you said about the pressure thing. Its just hard for me to believe that he has no clue at all I guess. I think I have made things worse.:(

I said to him about a doctor and maybe depression/ stress, he didn't dismiss it entirely.

LegacyUser

Heh I wish I had read your post last night. I ended up trying to talk to him about it again , this time I kind of pushed for an answer. He just says that he doesn't know and pretty much what you said about the pressure thing. Its just hard for me to believe that he has no clue at all I guess. I think I have made things worse.

I said to him about a doctor and maybe depression/ stress, he didn't dismiss it entirely.

Well you'd be surprised on this one, i know sadly from experience that when something like this does happen for a guy, they most likly do not actully know or are not willing to reconise the cause..Age/maturity in dealing with this is a huge factor in reconising the problem but unfortunally it is actully due to the emotion and stress he's going through with the exams and other worries.
Getting him to talk about it will generally be hard, simply because of the insecurity he's feeling in himself not knowing, chances are he doesn't know how to express or deal with it, and so is closing up and trying to fight it alone "as most guys would do"

You'll probably find that once the exams are over and that load has been taken off his mind, things will return to normal.. and he should hopefully learn to reconise this himself as the cause and find ways in future to deal with.. You can help by being suportive in general, and in turn it will likly become more rewarding after.

CrazyNoob

OP sounds like your bf initially had it happen due to pressure/whatever other external stressor

Now that its happened once he is freaking out, that it will happen again, and thats what actually happens when it comes to the crunch (so to speak)

I'd wager its in his head entirely, step back and take more time and he'll relax more and there wont be an issue
At this stage I dont think its physical, and doc suggestion will freak him more, obviously if long term 4-6 months then doc needed

LegacyUser

I think this has been going on since Christmas or before. Cant really pinpoint when exactly, I guess I tried to ignore it for a while.

LegacyUser

Ok now I'm really worried and hurt. I know I shouldn't of but I checked his Internet history and he has been looking at porn during the last few weeks. I was just so sick of him refusing to talk about it. Not loads but still... If he is interested in that how come he never wants anything with me?

frustrated

Ok I set up a profile as I thought it would be easier. Now I'm really worried and hurt. I know I shouldn't of but I checked his Internet history and he has been looking at porn during the last few weeks. I was just so sick of him refusing to talk about it. Since the last night I brought it up he has pretended the conversation never happened. Not loads of porn but still... If he is interested in that how come he never wants anything with me? I liked the taking it slow suggestion but how can I even suggest or explain this to him if he clams up every time the subject is mentioned!


The very rare times we do ever do anything I am starting to not be interested because I'm not sure whether he is just doing it to please me or I notice I get frustrated if the sex isn't going great for me because I am kind of thinking to myself, "god this is the last time I might get it in ages". I know if he picks up on this it will make things 100% worse but its hard for me to keep this in perspective at this stage.

preilly79

may i ask, have you recently given birth to a child or is there a child in the home?

frustrated

No babies, im 21, he is 23.

aidan24326

The fact he gets hard and then loses it at the point of penetration would strongly suggest it's a psychological thing, as opposed to any medical issue. In that case badgering him about it will not help but only make the issue worse. The penis is a contary beast and nothing will kill an erection quicker than performance anxiety. It's a vicious cycle.

Other posters have made good suggestions of concentrating on other ways to pleasure each other without the 'pressure to perform' so to speak. Remove that pressure (along with the stress from his college work etc) and things should return to normal. The anatomy is working it's just his mind getting in the way. Almost certainly nothing to do with not finding you attractive btw, so don't throw that one at him.

ChocolateSauce

The same thing happened to me in the latter part of my longest ever relationship (I'm a guy btw). There were a variaty of factors, some already discussed here, like confidence and communication, but one of them is I just got bored.

This may not be for you, but I really got into this scene, and it revitalised my very view of sex. http://www.nimhneach.ie/

IamBeowulf

frustrated wrote: »

Ok I set up a profile as I thought it would be easier. Now I'm really worried and hurt. I know I shouldn't of but I checked his Internet history and he has been looking at porn during the last few weeks. I was just so sick of him refusing to talk about it. Since the last night I brought it up he has pretended the conversation never happened. Not loads of porn but still... If he is interested in that how come he never wants anything with me? I liked the taking it slow suggestion but how can I even suggest or explain this to him if he clams up every time the subject is mentioned!


The very rare times we do ever do anything I am starting to not be interested because I'm not sure whether he is just doing it to please me or I notice I get frustrated if the sex isn't going great for me because I am kind of thinking to myself, "god this is the last time I might get it in ages". I know if he picks up on this it will make things 100% worse but its hard for me to keep this in perspective at this stage.

I went through something similar a while back. I was suffering major issues maintaining an erection when I was with my gf. But when I was alone, and there was no pressure, I was totally able to stay hard. I fell into a pattern of using porn to get off. It soon became frustrating for me because my gf turned me on but psychologically I just wasn't able to go through with it.

Turns out I was overly anxious (still hits me rarely, but I work through it).

The best advice I can give is this: don't take the porn personally. Imagine it from a man's perspective. Being unable to sleep with your gf can really rin a man's ego (which, let's admit, is all we really have:))

He's probably worried that you don't see him as manly anymore, which only makes things worse. Not your fault, just that's the way we think when bedroom antics go awry.

Rest of advice: he probably thinks to himself "don't get soft, don't get soft" which of course makes him get soft. Instead, he should be comfortable, take it slowly, not overthink things. He should feel good about himself, so the gym will help there. It also boosts testosterone, which really helps. Eating healthy, and, I find, drinking lots of water, clears up any bodily discomfort (you'd be surprised how much indigestion can stifle a stiffy!)

You're obviously a brilliant girlfriend to him, so fair play for being so understanding! Feel free to PM me if I can help any more.

Homer J Simpson

Hi OP,

Just to let u know that although I had a very high sex drive, it suddenly dossappeared last year when I was made redundant. I put it down to stress \ worry of being unemployed for a while.
It did bother my girlfriend cos she thought I didnt find her attractive. Once I regained employment my sex drive returned to normal.

It'sd prob cos your boyfriend is under pressure or worried to be honest.

Regards,

frustrated

theozster wrote: »

This may not be for you, but I really got into this scene, and it revitalised my very view of sex. http://www.nimhneach.ie/

Eh no.:p I'm far from a prude but that just aint mine, or his (I'm pretty sure) scene. The porn he was looking at was fairly tame and run of the mill, nothing special, don't see the attraction myself.

IamBeowulf wrote: »

Turns out I was overly anxious (still hits me rarely, but I work through it).

The best advice I can give is this: don't take the porn personally. Imagine it from a man's perspective. Being unable to sleep with your gf can really rin a man's ego (which, let's admit, is all we really have:))

He's probably worried that you don't see him as manly anymore, which only makes things worse. Not your fault, just that's the way we think when bedroom antics go awry.

Rest of advice: he probably thinks to himself "don't get soft, don't get soft" which of course makes him get soft. Instead, he should be comfortable, take it slowly, not overthink things. He should feel good about himself, so the gym will help there. It also boosts testosterone, which really helps. Eating healthy, and, I find, drinking lots of water, clears up any bodily discomfort (you'd be surprised how much indigestion can stifle a stiffy!)

You're obviously a brilliant girlfriend to him, so fair play for being so understanding! Feel free to PM me if I can help any more.

Thanks, I was kind of taking the porn thing personally but now I kind of understand. I'm going to leave it untill after the exams etc to see if things start to come around. If not I will have to bring it up again.

Homer J Simpson wrote: »

Hi OP,

Just to let u know that although I had a very high sex drive, it suddenly dossappeared last year when I was made redundant. I put it down to stress \ worry of being unemployed for a while.
It did bother my girlfriend cos she thought I didnt find her attractive. Once I regained employment my sex drive returned to normal.

It'sd prob cos your boyfriend is under pressure or worried to be honest.

Regards,

Thanks I hope thats all it is. It is hard not to get paranoid.

Talliesin

theozster wrote: »

This may not be for you, but I really got into this scene, and it revitalised my very view of sex. http://www.nimhneach.ie/

Eh. Great. Happy that we've helped. Don't think though that we've the perfect answer to everyone that finds something is lacking sexually. Indeed, quite the opposite - if it's your thing then it's your thing and I'm certainly not going to judge (especially since it's also my thing) but trying things outside of what is your thing to "spice things up" is a bad idea IMO; they're at best going to just find it silly but at worse going to upset themself, their partner and/or those whose thing it really is.

Susannahmia

Talliesin wrote: »

Eh. Great. Happy that we've helped. Don't think though that we've the perfect answer to everyone that finds something is lacking sexually. Indeed, quite the opposite - if it's your thing then it's your thing and I'm certainly not going to judge (especially since it's also my thing) but trying things outside of what is your thing to "spice things up" is a bad idea IMO; they're at best going to just find it silly but at worse going to upset themself, their partner and/or those whose thing it really is.

He's a troll methinks, take a look at his other posts.:rolleyes:

Op leave it till the stress is lifted things will probally go back to normal, I'm doing my exams and dissertations too and I can't say that my libido is exactly raging with all the pressure.