Really annoying roommate

GusherING

Hi all,
What would you do in my shoes???

I'm living in university halls with two roommates (we're all guys) and we each have our own bedroom and share a kitchen area. One of my roommates has taken to studying in the kitchen, taking up the small living area we have with all his books, smoking inside the kitchen and leaving the ventilator fan on in a half-assed attempt to clear the smoke out of the kitchen. Our kitchen has no windows due to the part of the apartment block we're in.

My problem is the smoking. Despite the fan, which really just makes loads of noise and doesn't actually suck up the smoke, the smell gets everywhere. I wake up in the morning practically inhaling smoke in my own room which is disgusting. It's like a pub before 2004!

Now all 3 of us are smokers, but myself and the other guy who dont smoke in the kitchen prefer to smoke outside. Besides we live on the ground floor so its not like any of us have to go up and down loads of stairs to go outside. Neither if us are particularly keen on having our rooms wreaking like a pub. Not only is it not very nice, but when we move out we'll all get **** off the authorities for it wreaking.

When he first said to me he was going to smoke in the kitchen he told me he'd leave the fan on and stuff and me being a sort of laissez faire guy and not really interested in getting in other peoples way, I said I didnt mind if he smoked just in the kitchen. Little did I realise the whole flat would soon stink. I kind of hoped the cleaner would complain when she smelt the place but to no avail either.

A few days ago I emailed a complaint to the management of the building and one of the managers gave out to him. My roommate enquired asking if me or the other guy had ratted on him. I didn't feel particularly obliged to say yes I had - I'm not the bad guy here after all. Yet this evening I come home and he's still smoking in the kitchen, and the way he talked to me when I entered was as if he's almost daring me to tell him off.I feel like a right wanker for complaining but I know he's the wrong one. What do I do? Give him hell and have a pain in the ass roommate for the next 2 months or, do I live in a smoky bedroom??

JuliusCaesar

GusherING wrote: »

What do I do? Give him hell and have a pain in the ass roommate for the next 2 months or, do I live in a smoky bedroom??

What's wrong with telling him just what you said here? That you thought it would be ok but now you find that your bedroom is reeking of smoke and the fan just doesn't do the job? (Does your other flatmate agree? The two of you could tell him.)

FunkyChicken

You're pretty lame for going behind his back without saying it to him first so I dont blame the guy for being the way he is!

Lollipops23

GusherING wrote: »

When he first said to me he was going to smoke in the kitchen he told me he'd leave the fan on and stuff and me being a sort of laissez faire guy and not really interested in getting in other peoples way, I said I didnt mind if he smoked just in the kitchen. Little did I realise the whole flat would soon stink.

Ok so you told him it's ok, changed your mind and then told on him without sitting him down and asking him politely to stop?
that was wrong IMO. you never gave him a chance to stop, and now he's probably humilated and annoyed cos he knows one of his roomies went behind hos back and got him into sh1t with the uni authorities.Grow up and have a chat mano to mano.

GusherING

Lollipops23 wrote: »

Ok so you told him it's ok, changed your mind and then told on him without sitting him down and asking him politely to stop?
that was wrong IMO. you never gave him a chance to stop, and now he's probably humilated and annoyed cos he knows one of his roomies went behind hos back and got him into sh1t with the uni authorities.Grow up and have a chat mano to mano.

Yeah I know. Its just a really uncomfortable position I wish I was never put in in the first place. That's him being inconsiderate though. The fact that neither of us other two smoke in the kitchen and are always seen outside smoking should have been a major hint though.

Lollipops23

GusherING wrote: »

Yeah I know. Its just a really uncomfortable position I wish I was never put in in the first place. That's him being inconsiderate though. The fact that neither of us other two smoke in the kitchen and are always seen outside smoking should have been a major hint though.

but you told him it was ok!!if you genuinely regret it just tell him for god's sake!!
example:
hey man, listen i know we said it was cool to smoke in the kitchen but it's kinda stinking the gaff out, can you just step outside in future please?

it's that simple, it really is!and this is coming from someone who lived with smokers and asked them (nicely) to take it outside.

GusherING

Lollipops23 wrote: »

but you told him it was ok!!if you genuinely regret it just tell him for god's sake!!
example:
hey man, listen i know we said it was cool to smoke in the kitchen but it's kinda stinking the gaff out, can you just step outside in future please?

it's that simple, it really is!and this is coming from someone who lived with smokers and asked them (nicely) to take it outside.

Ok so i say that and then he goes you complained about me. What do I say then??? I lose more face. My initial, fairly luke-warm approval, shouldn't have been the deciding factor to be honest. That's just presumptuous on his behalf. And to smoke after a formal complaint is just arrogance. My ok never made it right in the first place. I know what you'll say next is 'fine, do nothing and live in a smoky flat' which is true but I still dont think I should be the bad guy here. Its just how I feel although I understand your opinion entirely.

Lollipops23

well the fact that you made the complaint means you'll just have to live with the fact that he'll be mad. did you not think it through before you made the complaint?
the fact that there's just 2 people that could have done it makes it easy for him to figure it out!
While i don't like smoking(especially the stink-yeach!) you're roomie asked and you and the other guy said ok, i mean what was he meant to do, go "jeez they didn't mean it"?
I reckon he's still doing it to piss you off TBH.

DD

GusherING wrote: »

Yeah I know. Its just a really uncomfortable position I wish I was never put in in the first place.

I've been in the situation you are, it wasn't a good one, but we decided to tell the other girl to stop which she did eventually, after so many fights.
I don't know how are things between you boys but you really should do something about it, ask the other mate so you can tell him together if you can't do it alone.
He doesn't have any right to smoke inside in these circumstances.
Good luck and you will see it is not that hard . Let us know how it worked and I hope you'll enjoy your studying in a nice, no smoke atmosphere.
Best of luck,
D

GusherING

Lollipops23 wrote: »

well the fact that you made the complaint means you'll just have to live with the fact that he'll be mad. did you not think it through before you made the complaint?
the fact that there's just 2 people that could have done it makes it easy for him to figure it out!
While i don't like smoking(especially the stink-yeach!) you're roomie asked and you and the other guy said ok, i mean what was he meant to do, go "jeez they didn't mean it"?
I reckon he's still doing it to piss you off TBH.

I did think it through. I thought he would stop after I complained. Problem solved. Until he started smoking again. If I tell him now then he's got a victory over me because I've had to give out to him in person. You're dead right he's doing it to piss me off. I'm reluctant to take his bait, give him a victory (albeit a reallllllllllllllllllly petty one) and let him feel his smoking was always ok.

Chinafoot

GusherING wrote: »

Ok so i say that and then he goes you complained about me. What do I say then??? I lose more face. My initial, fairly luke-warm approval, shouldn't have been the deciding factor to be honest. That's just presumptuous on his behalf. And to smoke after a formal complaint is just arrogance. My ok never made it right in the first place. I know what you'll say next is 'fine, do nothing and live in a smoky flat' which is true but I still dont think I should be the bad guy here. Its just how I feel although I understand your opinion entirely.

How is he being presumptuous? He told you he was planning to smoke in the kitchen giving you a perfect opportunity to object if you wanted to but you didn't. You say your approval was luke warm but it was still approval. Why on earth would he think you had a problem with it?

Now that you have a problem with the smell you should have said to him "Look mate, I know I said I didn't mind you smoking in the kitchen but the smell is a lot worse than I thought it would be so is there any chance you could smoke outside like we do from now on?" Simple, polite and non-confrontational.

Going to the management was a shítty thing to do without speaking to him first. You seem very keen to put the blame on him for smoking in the kitchen in the first place but you have to remember that you did tell him you didn't mind so you need to accept some responsibility. In this silly attempt to save face you're making things a lot more difficult for yourself.

If you don't have the guts to 'fess up to ratting him out you could at least use the opportunity you now have to discuss the issue properly. Tell him that the management are probably right and the place does stink so maybe it'd be easier for all concerned if you all smoked outside.

Lollipops23

or you can just start smoking in his bedroom without telling him to stink the place up. it would be equally as petty as ratting him out without giving him a chance to defend himself.

GusherING

Look I know what I did wasn't very cool. I didnt particularly relish it but I thought it was the easiest way to solve the problem at a time when I was very annoyed and he wasn't around - honestly. Two wrongs don't make a right however and nor did my yes. And yes, he'd have the moral highground now if he wasn't smoking in the kitchen. I guess you could say we're both equally pathetic. I'm as angry with myself as I am with him to be honest. It's all a big mess!

I just feel the whole situation isn't my fault to begin with, because it was presumptuous to smoke in the kitchen. He knew the rules, we've been living together for 9 months and nobody ever smoked in the kitchen. It was clearly an unwritten rule amongst us that smoking indoors wasn't really on. And its a written rule in all our leases.

Chinafoot

GusherING wrote: »

It was clearly an unwritten rule amongst us that smoking indoors wasn't really on. And its a written rule in all our leases.

Unwritten rule until he got the nod from you to smoke there. I'm not saying I agree with what he was doing particularly with such an obvious lack of ventilation, but you seem waaaay too focused on this presumption you think he made.

Look, what advice do you want? Do you want people to just tell you that this guy was way out of order and you were totally right in ratting him out without speaking to him?

People have given you advice. Instead of trying to put all the blame on your housemate you should probably re-read the advice and take it on board.

0utshined

GusherING wrote: »

I just feel the whole situation isn't my fault to begin with, because it was presumptuous to smoke in the kitchen.

Yes it is your fault. Accept this. He ASKED you if it was okay before he started. If it wasn't that was your cue to tell him no it wasn't. Now that you know it's not working for you you need to ASK him to stop. It really is that simple. It's the kind of thing adults do rather than running to someone else to sort out their problems. Stop being so passive-aggresive. You'll feel better for it.

GusherING

Ok ok. I'll talk to him.

mookishboy

Ah just bust out a few of his teeth with a bar while shouting
"smoke in yer own room Mook"

Overheal

GusherING wrote: »

I did think it through. I thought he would stop after I complained. Problem solved. Until he started smoking again. If I tell him now then he's got a victory over me because I've had to give out to him in person. You're dead right he's doing it to piss me off. I'm reluctant to take his bait, give him a victory (albeit a reallllllllllllllllllly petty one) and let him feel his smoking was always ok.

wow. grow a pair!

You realize thats not really a win for him at all to say Take It Outside; but its a win for him every time he lights up in the kitchen.

You're still not thinking this through. Give out to the lad.

Lollipops23

Overheal wrote: »

You're still not thinking this through. Give out to the lad.

why should he "give out" when he gave him full permission in the first place?