Anorexic girlfriend... am I making her sick?

LegacyUser

Hi again.. I've been here before with various issues with my girlfriend, a lot of which I got help with and have to thanks you guys for giving me perspective and your opinions and advice. She has had different stuff going on and I've always tried to help her cope but it's been hard at times..

I thought we were on the right track after christmas, but now she has developed anorexia. After two years of dealing with her various issues, I thought she was finally out of the woods and now this. It's tough on her, and not easy on me either.

She is getting counselling and has promised to go to bodywhys, so she is being proactive and tells me she has already hit her "rock bottom" - which was last weekend when I decided I wasn't able to see her, and needed time to myself for the weekend (we only see each other at weekends).

The problem with me is that I may not be the best thing for her - I feel like I may have triggered her eating disorder to resurface in fact (she had it in her teens before).

I inistially was attracted to her because she was very slim, and I like slim girls. After a while together she relaxed a little and put on a little weight..not that much. perhaps she noticed me encouraging us to excercise together and eat healthy (I'm a health food freak), and she told me she was a little paranoid about it sometimes (could she sense that I would prefer her to be slimmer?). I would encourage her when she was losing weight, and say how she looked even more amazing... and of course she did (to me) while her family were worried about her, saying she looked too skinny. She starts reading and rereading the book "Skinny bitch". Her old clothes stopped fitting and she had to buy almost an entire new wardrobe. To me, she was just eating healthy and looking amazing, but little did I realise she was actually going back into a dormant anorexia that had been around since she was about 13 (she used to get sick and starve herself in her early teens). She ended up counting calories and keeping a diary, getting 600 or 700 cals a day to keep herself skinny.. last week her period didn't come. She has made herself sick three times, and has used laxatives... it freaks me out. All this, just to look amazing for me?

I think we can get through this. But there are times I think she's better without me.. maybe I'm sick, or messed up, but I like her slim body. She doesn't look underwight to me, she looks like a model or a move star, not just a regular girl... and I admit, I like that look. She often gets comments when out and about from guys - they just approach her and ask if she's a model, and they often use that line to chat her up in note clubs. She honestly does look model-like and is very tall also. She says that sometimes her body "doesn't want to stay this weight", and it's a constant struggle for her to look this way. Maybe I need to let her go free? Because she will always know my preference is for slim girls and that conflict will always be there...

I have told her I wouldn't care if she was 9 stone again, and I would love her anyway. I told her I wouldn't care if she was pregnant and bigger, because I love her anyway for who she is. But deep down I think she now knows my dark secret.. that I have a thing for skinny girls. She probably knows...

Am I making her sick?

We're in our late 20's, and together two years btw. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go mental in this relationship... and other times I feel great!

Katja

I'm sorry but at the moment it sounds as if it's all about you. Only you. You say, I like slim girls, I encourage her to lose weight, I tell her I like slim girls, I tell her she looks amazing so skinny. This girl is anorexic and she needs to seek professional help. And your encouragements to eat less, work out, lose weight are not helping. Anorexia has nothing to do with leading a healthy lifestyle.

She is underweight. I am 5'9 and weigh 9.2 st and people say I am very slim. I can only imagine what a tall girl who weighs under 9 stone looks like.

Stop being so selfish about your 'skinny girl' needs and think about your girlfriend's health.

paperclip2

Wow, theres lots going on there weth you OP.

I guess I would ask you if she cannot maintain the body weight and image that you find most attractive without compromising her health can you love her and find her attractive at the safer and healthier bodyweight?


If you can't then you have some sort of an answer.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

In all fairness, you're coming across as very shallow. All you talk about is her body, how skinny she is, great she looks to you... You're just as obsessed with body image as she is.

How do you feel about her emotionally? Have you ever told her this? More or less than how often you tell her who great she looks?

As a health food freak, you do know what the recommended daily calorie intake for an adult woman is three times what she's eating...?

LegacyUser

No , you haven't 'made' her sick , but you have opened up a vunerability she already had, she has a self-esteem issue and she is uses this as a crutch, its a way of keeping some control..mayb she is afraid of losing you. If you really want her then start putting on some weight yourself healthily.
It worked for me, my OH likes skinny girls like i was when i met him, but he realised why i was so skinny and helped me because he loves me ,he put on a bit of weight himself and encouraged me out of my controlled attitude towards food by example, and even though he likes slim girls too , he doesnt like the emaciated look, and he was aware that as i put on weight quite rapidly that my body was designed to be a little bigger. I am still considered quite slim, but i don't get too bad because he doesn't let me, even though i still have the disease and havent had any outside help. my mother was naturally very very slim so i thought i should be too. If your OH has family like that it won't help. I know what she means by her body not wanting to be this way, its like you develop terrible cravings just so that your body can get the nourishment it needs to function the way it needs to for you.hence the out of control feeling she has. Don't use excercise as a subtle way to keep her skinny.she knows. take a gentle walk or dander instead and tell her to slow down.

If you really care for and love her then lead by example and don't make a big drama out of it and keep it private as much as possible between yourselves.
Its a struggle, it really is so its a test of how much you love and care for her. Are you prepared to do this without getting angry and annoyed at her?

Chinafoot

I'd also be very curious to know just how tall she is. You "wouldn't care if she went back to 9 stone"?!

It sounds like you ultimately want her to be something she's not and she's destroying herself to try and maintain this "perfect" body you want her to have.

irish-anabel

Its not entirely your fault but it seems now that you have reactivated it. You seem quite shallow which is exactly what she doesn't need, however this is a difficult situation now as to what you should do. If you leave her now in her time of need she will feel abandonned and probably think that it was because she wasnt good enough for you. Try maybe to join in with her getting better. RELAX about healthy eating and exercise, even if you dont want to you're clearly making her anxious. Stop being so shallow and help her through. Sometimes it is not only the anorectic who needs to change but also the people close to them
Good luck

Kold

Jesus, this is quite close to home... You need her to know that you love her for her rather than what you look like. I'm pretty similar, always gone for very slim girls but it's more important that they're healthy. Lets face it, it's not fun when she's not enjoying herself, she may look nice but she can't be a barrel of laughs. You need to help her through this... but subtly. Gotta run for the college bus but I'll check back later.

Dudess

A lot of people are going to accuse you of being the devil incarnate but I don't agree. You seem well meaning. As for being shallow: how exactly does one define shallow? To me, it's wanting something because it gives you a bit of "status", draws attention etc, rather than merely because you just want it. You however, simply fancy slim girls. Nothing wrong with that ostensibly - however, if she's very tall as you say, and you feel you're giving her a bit of "leeway" by telling her you'd even love her if she was a whopping NINE STONE :eek: (exceptionally slim, if not skinny, for a very tall person) then you too seem to have a distorted perception of size.

WindSock

It's up to you to make the call whether you want your girlfriend who you find attractive with an eating disorder to be slightly less attractive to you and healthy.
If you really loved her it shouldn't matter if she is slightly less attractive to you, for the sake of her health.

K_P

otherexic wrote: »

She says that sometimes her body "doesn't want to stay this weight", and it's a constant struggle for her to look this way.

Of course it's a struggle for her. Ok, we don't know her measurements here but it's not normal (except for the very few people who are naturally very skinny) for a tall woman to be under 9 stone (or under 8 or whatever she is). You say you would still love her even if she was 9 stone. Is that seriously the worst case scenario? Is that the biggest test your relationship could go through?

I do believe you love her, but to answer your question, yes you're probably making her sick as well. You encouraged a very slim girl who put on a little bit of weight to exercise, eat less, etc. By your own admission, you made her paranoid about it.

That's not to say that breaking up is the thing to do here. She's extremely vulnerable at the moment and needs your support. So how about you cutting back on the exercise and health foods for a bit, at least when you're around her? How about telling her how amazing she is, rather than how amazing she looks all the time? Encourage her to continue with counselling.

As for your preference for skinny women. You've a choice of a miserable physically and mentally unhealthy model-thin girlfriend or a happy healthy still slim girlfriend.

gogglebok

Leaving this issue aside, how happy are you in the relationship?

irish-anabel

yeah the 9 stone thing is wrong. I am tall 5"10 and am usually 9 stone. I have a BMI of 18 which is classified as underweight. I dont know how tall she is but maybe you should look into whats healthy for her height.

I find the op grossly offensive. Obviously your gf has a problem, why are you pressuring her to be thin and not directing her to a psychiatrist. If you love her as much as you say you do then you will help her triumph over her eating disorder.

Amanda

Hi

Lots of strong replies to you there but if you don't feel you can support her, I would definitely back off for a bit and explain you need to sort your own stuff out too. Because it sounds to me like someone else has already said, that you may have a lot of issues yourself in relation to body image. I have had eating issues in the past too, and went out with someone who said a similar thing to me much later on after we split up, he said sorry if he was hard on me for seeming "fat" (I am 5 ft 6 and heaviest I have ever been is 8.5 stone) and he wishes he hadn't been so hard on me. I developed an eating disorder when we split up, and he started going out with a girl who was under 7.5 stone and definitely would stay that thin because she didn't eat much at all, she wasn't much into it either, seems he had a pattern for attracting hungry girls too.
Obviously it wasn't just that and I had a whole pile of issues myself or I wouldn't have paid any heed but I certainly feel it contributed to the mess I was in. When we were an item, I wore a puffa jacket one day and he told me he didn't like it because it made me seem "bigger" than I was. Jaysus! Enough about me though, but you seem a little too old to be that shallow, so maybe it is body distortion issues you have, as I think this ex of mine did. He would be quite proud of himself if he'd not eaten himself for a couple of days (this was after we'd split up and were friends) and I noticed then that the whole issue was more his than was ever mine, but it sure does seep into your psyche if you're around it. Anyway best of luck but do go easy on the girl if you're going to split up because of your "dark secret" as you put it. It doesn't matter why you're more attracted to skinny girls, there are a million psychiatrists who'd have a field day trying to put you in a box for that one, but you either love her, or you don't. Not her when she's skinnier, that's conditions that are very unrealistic and very distorted. Imagine she was pregnant and needed extra weight, could you look at her, love her and support her then, if you don't even prefer her when she puts on a few pounds above emmaciated? Be honest with yourself or it'll wreck both your lives. Anorexia is a long hard road and she will go through a lot in the next while if she's going to go to Body whys. Good luck both of you.

seahorse

David Lynch wrote: »

I find the op grossly offensive. Obviously your gf has a problem, why are you pressuring her to be thin and not directing her to a psychiatrist. If you love her as much as you say you do then you will help her triumph over her eating disorder.

+ 1

OP, to answer your question; no you are not making your partner sick, but you are certainly encouraging her to stay that way. You have a very screwed up perception of what is healthy and attractive and it’s about the most destructive attitude in a partner a woman with an eating disorder could be unfortunate enough to contend with.

I'm a woman who's got a fairly strong handle on her own behaviours, but I have a close female family member with anorexia and if she had a partner who shared your attitude I dont think I'd be responsible for how I'd respond to him.

Something I think you need to consider is this: There is a reason your gf reminds you of "movie stars" and "models" - most of them are killing themselves with anorexia too.

BJC

I have some experience with eating disorders in that a friend of mine was anorexic and btw going to bodywhys is a decision she won't regret.

I think it's very easy to blame yourself OP and evidently easy for a lot of boardsies aswell but this type of emotional and physcological disorder wouldn't come simply from a few nudges from you (even insensitive nudges as is the case). There is obviously something going on with her especially as this happened in her teens aswell. As long as she is being pro-active as you say then she will definitley be set on the right track. After that it is up to her but with the constant support of you and her friends and family. Do not mention her size at all unless it's the very occasional "you look great" or "your much curvier now (in a good way!)", even positive comments can make her paranoid so try to cut them out as much as possible.

Your role in this is important as her bf as she obviosly wants to look good for you, I totally agree with Dudess and Seahorse in that I believe you do have a very distorted perception of size. Surely if you're a "health freak" you would be the best suited to actually helping her get healthy?

I think leaving her would be the worst thing you could do, now when she is at her most vulnerable she needs you to be encouraging and supportive not to "let her go free".

I wish you and you'r girlfriend the best of luck, hopefully in a few months you guys will be back on track.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice. To me, she looks like perfection... She is 5.10. and 8 stone 7 pounds, although probably a little more after last weekend when I *actively encouraged her* to chill out, eat out, enjoy life and forget about food. I always try to do this but she's very uptight about food. She is in the "recovery" phase now so she's weighing herself less and trying to enjoy eating out.
She has a very, very slim figure and doesn't carry any extra weight well, so she says - some girls put on weight all over, and look nicer and rounded with some extra weight. But when she puts on she feels that she gets lots of "chubs" - so she may be slim, but she feels her body is "mis-shapen" and her bum has no definition and looks saggy, etc. This is how she feels, and she's very critical when looking in the mirror. Telling her she looks beautiful 1000 times can be difficult when she doesn't believe it herself

I'm not shallow - I don't care how she looks right now, I just want her to get better. Perhaps a part of me has a preference for her when she's looking really slim, but what can I do? Change my preference? Why is it shallow to like a particular shape or form? I was looking for photos of girls like this on the internet before I'd met her, so it's not because I want to "show her off" or something.

Am I happy in the relationship? Sometimes I'm ecstatically happy. Sometimes I'm horribly depressed. It's ups and downs and I've had to go to counselling to deal with some of the downs...

I already have told her to get help - one year ago for self-esteem issues, and now for eating disorder. I had to keep on at her about it until she eventually went for help -she received hypnotherapy.

Anon - yes, she's afraid of losing me. She said she feels very insecure in the relationship, because I have talked to her before about how I'm not sure if I can go on. Instead of trying to fix things, she developed the eating disorder in order to make sure she wouldn't lose me... well it worked, because now I'm too afraid to leave her, cos I think she's wither away and die without me - when I asked her "maybe you need a break from this relationship for the summer" she cried and cried... and said how she couldn't bear the thought of the whole summer without me, and without the things we do together... e.g. rollerblading around together, etc.

Kold, you're right, she's not a barrel of laughs when she's tense about her weight. Even though she has tried to hide it in the past, it's obvious when she's going through all the suffering associated with an eating disorder, and it's so hard to watch. It's also hard when she imagines me saying things or meaning things I didn't actually mean, or gets paranoid.

Amanda

Why is it shallow to like a particular shape or form? I was looking for photos of girls like this on the internet before I'd met her, so it's not because I want to "show her off" or something.


Hi again

It's not shallow to have preferences. I prefer tall dark toned handsome men, my man was a lot more toned when I met him and is, let's say, a little more rounded than when we first met... but I don't hanker after what he used to be, because I'm still as mad about him with a bit of weight on him as I was the day I met him. I think you're missing the point, although maybe people are making it badly by accusing you of being "shallow" ... preferences and likes and what attracts you to someone is not the problem, but flesh changes, and body weight fluctuates, and if you liking /loving her changes dramatically because of her putting on a few pounds (ok possibly a couple of stone in your girlfriend's case but ... it's a case of her affording them and her still being a healthy body weight and still probably considered very slim) then I think that speaks for itself and your perception of what your girlfriend is as a human being and what your expectations are of her are grossly distorted.
Your ego would seem a little fragile to say the least and if bigger (pardon the pun I'm not being facecious) problems were to arise in your life I can't imagine how you would handle them. You say you still fancy her now she's getting to a more normal weight but you still persist that you "prefer" skinnier women. Dilemma.

axer

otherexic wrote: »

I'm not shallow - I don't care how she looks right now, I just want her to get better.

not sure what to make of "right now".

otherexic wrote: »

Perhaps a part of me has a preference for her when she's looking really slim, but what can I do? Change my preference? Why is it shallow to like a particular shape or form? I was looking for photos of girls like this on the internet before I'd met her, so it's not because I want to "show her off" or something.

You have to realise that she has a problem and you are not helping. She is currently underweight for her height. She should be at least 130 pounds to be on the lower end of the normal BMI.

otherexic wrote: »

Anon - yes, she's afraid of losing me. She said she feels very insecure in the relationship, because I have talked to her before about how I'm not sure if I can go on. Instead of trying to fix things, she developed the eating disorder in order to make sure she wouldn't lose me... well it worked, because now I'm too afraid to leave her, cos I think she's wither away and die without me - when I asked her "maybe you need a break from this relationship for the summer" she cried and cried... and said how she couldn't bear the thought of the whole summer without me, and without the things we do together... e.g. rollerblading around together, etc.

Maybe she has this eating disorder because she wants to stay slim for you because that is what it seems you want. You are not healthy for her. How can she ever deal with her eating disorder when she has you like the devil on one shoulder. If being super slim is a deal breaker for you in this realtionship then maybe you are the one with the problems.

pretty*monster

I had an eating disorder for years and to be honest, as someone with that history whose currently carrying a few extre pounds (albeit at a healthy weight) I found your post very triggering.

Some people are probably going to disagree with me on this but it is not okay to tell a former anorexic that she should work out more or eat healthier. It might be a perfectly reasonable thing to say, but you wouldn't just come out and tell someone you love that they're fat and when you tell a recovering anorexic that they might look a little better if they ate healthier, 'you're fat'.

Now of course, that's not your fault and you couldn't, in all fairness, have been expected to anticipate that. But what you're girlfriend needs to hear right now is that you'll love her no matter what shape she is (and not qualifying it by suggesting that 9st is perhaps all she should go up to, 9st is very slim for her height, she needs to feel like she doesn't have to be that slim for you or anyone else).

You don't have to be bad for your girlfriend, maybe you can't change your preferences but you could keep quiet about them if she's important enough to you.

Sangre

what if you told a former anorexic to work out because they probably have very low muscle mass and bone density due to their condition? nothing to do with their appearance. or would it be interpreted in a 'he thinks im fat again' way?

axer

Sangre wrote: »

what if you told a former anorexic to work out because they probably have very low muscle mass and bone density due to their condition? nothing to do with their appearance. or would it be interpreted in a 'he thinks im fat again' way?

Why would you tell anyone to work out?

LegacyUser

I'm not sure how much I can contribute to this thread.

It seems odd that you would rather lose her than help her recover - would her gaining a few pounds really be that much of an issue to you that you'd be unhappy secretly forever if she gained weight?

I know some guys like skinny girls and that's fine but after 2 years her shape and size is THAT much of an issue to you?

The fact that you encourage her to obsess over food is deffo keeping her sick.

I am bulimic, I always felt like if I gained weight my boyfriend would freak out - I never told him about my issues as I knew he would not be able to handle them - as it transpires during a brief period when i was trying to recover and behaving like a regular person (even though he didn't even know I was bulimic) I gained about a stone and although we have broken up now (mostly because of my eating problems) he will still reflect upon this time as our happiest together because he loved me regardless of what size I was.

I suffered severely with eating problems in a relationship like this so god only knows what your poor girlfriend is feeling.

You'll break her heart if you leave her too, maybe ask yourself if you deserve someone who'll go to such trouble for you? If you do then try make her feel like you'll love her no matter what, she doesn't need to look like a model and she's sexy with a belly too.

If you really love her you would rather her be at peace with herself

BJC

otherexic wrote: »

Am I happy in the relationship? Sometimes I'm horribly depressed. It's ups and downs and I've had to go to counselling to deal with some of the downs...

Instead of trying to fix things, she developed the eating disorder in order to make sure she wouldn't lose me... well it worked, because now I'm too afraid to leave her, cos I think she's wither away and die without me -

It's also hard when she imagines me saying things or meaning things I didn't actually mean, or gets paranoid.

I wrote my last post with the supposition that you were both mad about eachother, if your relationship is as the above quotes infer then you should definitley break up. If you are unsure about the relationship and have had to do counselling because of it then you probably will never be fully happy and she will sense that and will never fully recover. She can't be expected to be on the mend psychologically if all she can think of is "does he/doesn't he love me, does he/doesn't he want to be with me".
In the short run she will obviously be distraught and the risk is that if she is as unbalanced and "paranoid" as you say then she might think it's because of her weight, which could spark another downward spiral for her. In the long run she cannot repair herself in an unhappy relationship.

But let's not forget about you. I was in a relationship for over a year and a half where my gf mind-fcuked me time and time again, she was paranoid and down right fcuking crazy but she was obsessed with me as your gf seems to be with you. Luckily I hadn't an eating disorder to deal with so I kicked that b*tch down to dumpsville

Macha

otherexic wrote: »

Instead of trying to fix things, she developed the eating disorder in order to make sure she wouldn't lose me... well it worked, because now I'm too afraid to leave her, cos I think she's wither away and die without me

Whoa whoa whoa...you think she developed a mental disorder (and not just any mental disorder but the one with the highest mortality rate) just to keep you? Really, you come across very bitter in this statement, like you resent that she has put you in this situation. No offence, but this whole thing really seems to be about you and how it is going to impact on your life.

The thing that is coming through to me from this is that you don't understand anorexia. If you want to help her, you need to educate yourself.

Monkey61

Do not under any circumstances compliment your girlfriend by saying she looks "curvier" now! To a skinny person curvy means fat because every day overweight people are being called curvy by magazines etc. Just dont do it. Ever.

Amanda

pretty*monster wrote: »

Some people are probably going to disagree with me on this but it is not okay to tell a former anorexic that she should work out more or eat healthier. It might be a perfectly reasonable thing to say, but you wouldn't just come out and tell someone you love that they're fat and when you tell a recovering anorexic that they might look a little better if they ate healthier, 'you're fat'.

As a person who came through eating issues myself, pretty monster, I disagree with you. I don't think enorexics, recovering anorexics, or otherwise need to be treated differently than anyone else or wrapped up in cotton wool. But... maybe it's just not ok to tell anyone, regardless of whether they're coming out of an eating disorder, or not, what they should or shouldn't do in regards weight and food (unless you're being advised by a medical expert and your condition requires it, as in, your health is suffering as a result of starvation or overeating, or whatever), so on that point (if that's what you meant) I'd agree with you. You can't tell who has eating issues and who hasn't just by loooking at them, or even, apparently in relationships that have been going on years because it's so hidden with so many. But if a partner spoke to me like that now, (and I'm eating healthy and over the worst of it) I'd just not be with them. If that is what sways someone to stick around then I think most people would sense it. Yes you have to be attracted to someone initially or it'd be crap, but for the most part, many "normal" people change body shape down the years, lose hair, get wobbly bits, and still seem to remain attracted to and in love with each other because they grow together and they remain consistent to the feeling they had when they met and not just the appearance in front of their eyes. It's so visual with some people...which is fine if that's all you want to experience but if that's it then I think those people are really missing out. What disturbs me about the original posters thoughts, and I was thinking about this a bit last night, is that there seems to be so much pressure to stay the same, always, and want his girlfriend to stay the same. Which is, to me, a lot of what anorexia was about for me, I didn't want to move on, change, develop, "grow", and sometimes I think that's what the main theme of anorexia is. Not wanting to give up control and let nature allow you to grow, to develop, to change, which is the healthy way forward, but sometimes we resist and it can manifest as this disorder. (I don't beleive it's a mental condition as someone else said earlier but I guess it's all just labels at end of the day anyway and who cares what it's called so long as it's treated right) This refusal to want to let her body change as is needed throughout the aging process may just signify a lack of growth on the OP's part too, an unconscious expressed desire not to move on in life, if she still has the body of a girl then, she'll never bear children maybe? I don't know that's all very deep and all very presumptious of me, I apologise if I am offending the OP I don't mean to. I just spent a lot of time thinking about it last night and having come through it myself those are my thoughts on it, and maybe it'll help to start you on the journey of thinking it through. I really don't think it's a mental disorder, it's just another way feelings manifest themselves and it serves a purpose to some extent to those who can get treatment, move on, and grow from it. Literally. Anyway once more OP good luck, you've gopne very quiet but I think it's cos so many people have been earbashing you. It's a very sensitive issue, but people forget that the partners and friends of people with eating disorders all have their own stuff to deal with too. Good luck.

BubbleWrap85

If she was already conscious about her weight, which her previous disorder has shown, she would obviously pick up on things such as "Let's go exercise together" or all the healthy eating. Even though you weren't doing it intentionally [I don't think], she may have read into this and thought that you were. I feel sorry for her because she needs help. She feels pressurised into looking this way, because she thinks this is what you want. And to be truthful, it is. If she was 11 or 12 stone, you have basically said you wouldn't fancy her because you have this thing for skinny women. She has told you that it is a "constant struggle" for her body to stay this way, yet she has no other option as she believes this is what you want.

The most disturbing line of your post is "I wouldn't care if she was 9 stone again or not", suggesting she is under this weight currently, which is a serious matter. Do you think that 9 stone is fat? Because it's not. It's still slim. There is no tall girl that could possibly look fat weighing 9 stone.

You remind me somewhat of those guys that like feederism. Feeding their girlfriends so that they are obese. Because that's what they find attractive. Whether you're aware of this or not, there is something not right with your attitude. I know some guys prefer slim girls, but this is damaging her health. Her periods have stopped for God's sake. Her fertility could be affected.

This, a problem which she already had but clearly got over [or did she] already, on top of the recent various issues she had that you mentioned, is just too much. She needs people around her that love her and will help her, but if she's underweight to others but not underweight in your eyes, then you are the one that needs help also. For her sake, if not for your own.

NextSteps

I don't know, something about the way the OP describes his girlfriend disturbs me. It's as if she were a doll meant to please him, and not a person in her own right. After two years, if her looks are so much more important to you than who she is, then you won't do her any good. Like Amanda said, wobbly bits happen, and if you can't love each other for more than sizes and figures, you won't go far.

LegacyUser

I can't believe some of the responses here!

OP you didn't make her develop anorexia but as soon as you found out about it that should have been the last you spoke about her weight. So if she's getting sick again because of your behaviour, then YES YOU ARE AT FAULT.

People look good when they are happy. If you love your girlfriend you'll want her to be happy and healthy not unhappy, unhealthy and drained. She's a human being and if you think you have ANY right WHATSOEVER to want her to be anything other than a healthy weight for her height, that's a MINIMUM of 132 pounds! (over nine stone basically! and you want that to be her max weight??!?!)

OP cop yourself on. Your girlfriend is not something for your amusement and honestly, I don't think you're good for her at all. That carryon disgusts me.

Kold

atfault wrote: »

OP cop yourself on. Your girlfriend is not something for your amusement and honestly, I don't think you're good for her at all. That carryon disgusts me.

He seems to give a damn. Balls to some of the remarks here, her weight is her responsibility. He wants to help out which is more than girls in that frame of mind are willing to do for themselves.

Let's get this right. It's her fault if she's anorexic. Nobody elses. Now yes, he is guilty of superficiality as is everybody and yes he has played with fire. I'm glad to see that he's willing to take some responsibility now. I would bet that he isn't as blunt in person as in the OP but that's one thing to consider when the post is anonymous, the chance to voice all those things that you might think but don't say. He needs advice, not criticism.

BubbleWrap85

It's hardly her "fault". She can't help it. And I bet you wouldn't tell her she's to blame either so don't be trying to be a big man by saying it here. He said himself that she's like this to keep him. I'll agree, it's sad that she thinks she has to behave in a certain way, or treat or body so badly that her periods have stopped just to keep a MAN interested, but yes, us women are stupid. That's all. He hasn't reassured her. Despite knowing about this past experience and battle with her weight, he encouraged her when he knew she was losing weight. He states that she is 5'10 and 8 stone 7 {if I remember correctly] and then proceeds to say THOUGH SHE IS PROBABLY A BIT MORE AFTER I ACTIVELY ENCOURAGED HER TO basically "pig out", if you can call it that. I'm livid that people have any sympathy for him. Anorexia is caused by something. It's triggered by something. It doesn't just happen. Whilst it could completely be disconnected with anything he has said or done, or what he thinks, I really doubt it. He has not portrayed himself in a very good light at all, and if he is still so uptight about her weight and body years into the relationship, then perhaps he's with the wrong woman. Maybe Victoria Beckham or some other size 0's would be more his style. This is why women feel pressured. Because of the attitude of people like him, and portrayals in the media. It is not normal. Some women are naturally skinny. That's fine. Some battle hard to put on weight. But she has admitted that she can't cope with this artificiality. Really sad that she thinks she has to make herself suffer just to keep her boyfriend.

axer

Kold wrote: »

He seems to give a damn. Balls to some of the remarks here, her weight is her responsibility. He wants to help out which is more than girls in that frame of mind are willing to do for themselves.

Let's get this right. It's her fault if she's anorexic. Nobody elses. Now yes, he is guilty of superficiality as is everybody and yes he has played with fire. I'm glad to see that he's willing to take some responsibility now. I would bet that he isn't as blunt in person as in the OP but that's one thing to consider when the post is anonymous, the chance to voice all those things that you might think but don't say. He needs advice, not criticism.

To say anorexia is her fault is rubbish. I think you should read up about anorexia and psychology. Whilst he may not have been the original trigger, he certainly isn't helping the situation.

Abi

otherexic wrote: »

But there are times I think she's better without me..

No way.. You said, you know it, but will you let her go?

otherexic wrote: »

She says that sometimes her body "doesn't want to stay this weight", and it's a constant struggle for her to look this way.

That is because she is NOT meant to be that weight. So long as you are eating healthily and excercise regularly, weight settles give or take a few pounds.

otherexic wrote: »

Maybe I need to let her go free? Because she will always know my preference is for slim girls and that conflict will always be there...!

You've answered your own question.

otherexic wrote: »

I have told her I wouldn't care if she was 9 stone again, and I would love her anyway. I told her I wouldn't care if she was pregnant and bigger, because I love her anyway for who she is. ...........But deep down I think she now knows my dark secret.. that I have a thing for skinny girls. She probably knows... !

Conflicting advice. Imagine the mess her head is in.

otherexic wrote: »

Am I making her sick?!

Yes, because you certainly arent helping her.

otherexic wrote: »

We're in our late 20's, and together two years btw. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go mental in this relationship... and other times I feel great!

Anorexia is not a lifestyle choice, it is a disease of the mind. This girl had it in her past, and being with someone like you has easily led her to relapse.

And you feel like you are going mental?


Im going to hazard a guess also that you are enjoying the fact that you have this influence on her. If you didnt, you would have let her go.

She is paying a high price for being thin. Organ and bone damage, and you can top that with possibility of fatality.

And what pisses me right the way off is- you are too selfish to let her go anyway, and a lot of people here have wasted their time replying to you.

justsomebloke

otherexic wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. To me, she looks like perfection... She is 5.10. and 8 stone 7 pounds,

So pretty much what you are saying is that you wouldn't mind if she gained half a stone:eek: seriously WTF. Hell my daily variance in weight is half a stone from lightest to heaviest.

Do I think you are the source of her problem no, but do I think your GF can lead a full healthy life and recover from the eating disorder NO. Chances are when your GF does start eating properly and start become happy in her body she will go above 9 stone. However at this point your obsession with her weight will kick in again and you start suggesting that she start exercising and watching what she eats. This however will probably undermine all the progress she will have made as she will start to question her body shape again and this will probably lead to her starting again. So although you are not the cause of the problem you are one hell of a catalyst for it to come back again. Especially if you are currently reinforcing the concept that you think she is at her most stunning now.

So yes you may like skinny girls and of course you have the right to like that, but the reality of it is that the only reason your GF has the body you like is cause of an eating disorder. So before she can get better with you you are the one who will have to come to grips with what you will be happy with in a GF

axer

otherexic wrote: »

I have told her I wouldn't care if she was 9 stone again, and I would love her anyway.

Just to follow up from others. 9 STONE IS STILL UNDERWEIGHT!! She should be 10 stone MINIMUM (even at that she would be slightly underweight). Why mess with someone's head like that.

Kold

axer wrote: »

To say anorexia is her fault is rubbish. I think you should read up about anorexia and psychology. Whilst he may not have been the original trigger, he certainly isn't helping the situation.

Studied psych for 2 years. Spent half a term on a project on both anorexia and bulimia nervosa. Just so you know. I may have been a bit strong saying that anorexia is her fault, what I meant to say is that it isn't anyone elses.

axer

Kold wrote: »

Studied psych for 2 years. Spent half a term on a project on both anorexia and bulimia nervosa. Just so you know. I may have been a bit strong saying that anorexia is her fault, what I meant to say is that it isn't anyone elses.

Her environment can effect recovery - would you not agree?

LegacyUser

Reading a lot of those posts made me feel very depressed... sometimes I wonder if this is the wrong place to go for help... sometimes I think people need to leave behind their preconceived notions and personal prejudices when responding to sensitive issues like this one. Sometimes you can do more harm than good... just remember that before hitting the "Submit Reply" button...

But you've reaised a lot of interesting points.. albeit with the sensitivity and tact of a sledgehammer (in most cases).. but valid points nonetheless.

You seem to selectively highlight the bad parts in my post. I've already said that I've reassured her I don't care what weight she is, it doesn't have to be 9 stone, it could be more.

But you've all convinced me now that I'm not right for her, and I feel you have a point. I think if we had more common ground together, and more things in common, my gf wouldn't place so much importance on looking 100%. And believe me, it is not ME who places so much importance on this, it's her... after two years, she will not see me on a friday unless her tan is done, hair straightened, make-up and dressed up.. sometimes I feel she can't relax in the relationship. Now you (yes, you!) will assume "oh he must be one of those assholes, always putting his girl under pressure to look like hot" but I don't... I'm always telling her how beautiful she looks first thing in the morning, with no make up or hair done.

I'm always telling her how wonderful she is, with casual clothes, it doesn't matter to ME. But she makes such an issue out of looking perfect that maybe our relationship focus is too much in that area. A lot I think is because of her insecurity and inability to relax.. and so naturally, we ended up focusing too much on weight, etc. And don't you go fcuking tellin me again she's insecure because of me, because you don't know what you're talking about... she comes from a very mixed up background and ... well, I don't need to say anymore because it's too painful for me to go into all that again.

All I know is that it's not all my fault, and I refuse to take responsibility for it. My counsellor said I was taking too many of her problems on, and it was destroying me...

Well reading all of your posts has made me think that I should be taking even more of her problems on myself, and blaming myself... and you've really messed up my head and I feel pretty fcuking frustrated and depressed right now...

thanks for that... I know where to come when I need help eh...

Computerproblem

otherexic wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. To me, she looks like perfection... She is 5.10. and 8 stone 7 pounds, although probably a little more after last weekend when I *actively encouraged her* to chill out, eat out, enjoy life and forget about food.(.

OP Anorexia is a very complex illness. To answer your question, I agree with many of the other commenters that while you're not making her sick directly because of course it is an insecurity inside her that has been there since teenage years, you are a trigger. I have to say I was suprised when no one picked up on the quote above..

First point that struck me is 'perfection', no one is perfect I'm afraid, the most beautiful person in the world has their ugly moments. The most amazingly good person in the world has their imperfections. I think you are really seeking a perfection that is not possible outside glossy magazines or internet pix. This hyperreal world is pure photoshop driven but there is no photoshop for us mere mortals.. I think this quest for perfection is your issue that is unrelated to her, but it is something that is triggering her anorexia.. And why wouldn't it?

Perhaps if she were stronger in herself, she'd have kicked you to the kerb long ago to find someone who appreciates her beauty but also loves her when she's chilling out in the couch with him sharing mega-calorific ice cream.. But she's not and there are many reasons why we are attracted to someone and sometimes it can be because we recognise a familiarity in them.. and this familiarity she recognised in you could be that harsh judgement of image or just the same destructive quest for perfection.

The second point I noted from that is that you are actually monitoring her weight like a watchdog.. I realise that this is what anorexic people do but the people closest to them should not be as obsessive about it.. but you are.. God I don't think any of my exes ever knew what weight I was (or if they did it was probably cos I told them it, minus a stone!!).. While I appreciate that if she is going through that right now she is obviously speaking about these things, but the fact that you are counting out the fact she has probably put on a few pounds over the weekend speaks volumes..

She is a person, not a doll, I think your attitude is very controlling... You do seem to want to help her and I'm sure you're not a bad person but you seem to have a fair amount of image issues to deal with yourself unrelated to her.

Amanda

otherexic wrote: »

thanks for that... I know where to come when I need help eh...

OP you sound really worn out. People get sick, get messed up, get tired. It's not your job to one hundred percent be there 24 /7 for anyone, I think you should take some time out for yourself and just encourage your GF to go get some help. Be there for her as a mate for the next while but look after yourself or you'll burn out. Sometimes a body can think too much. Sounds like you're trying to look after yourself by getting some counselling, so fair play to you. As for being hurt at the strong responses...well, we're all great at jumping to judge. Sometimes I think if it wasn't anonymous, well, some people wouldn't be as holier-than-thou than they are. I hope it works out for you.

Abi

otherexic wrote: »

Reading a lot of those posts made me feel very depressed... sometimes I wonder if this is the wrong place to go for help...

People use PI as a sounding board, not 'a place you can go for help'. That is the job of a professonal.

You seem to selectively highlight the bad parts in my post.

There is very little pickings left. Most of it is extremely off-colour.

I've already said that I've reassured her I don't care what weight she is, it doesn't have to be 9 stone, it could be more.

You are so thoughtful. How tall is she by the way?

But you've all convinced me now that I'm not right for her

With very valid reasons.

I'm always telling her how wonderful she is, with casual clothes, it doesn't matter to ME.

She should look great to you in a refuse sack tbh.

And don't you go fcuking tellin me again she's insecure because of me, because you don't know what you're talking about.

Her insecurities are being fed by you.

well, I don't need to say anymore because it's too painful for me to go into all that again.

Me, myself, and I tbh.

My counsellor said I was taking too many of her problems on, and it was destroying me...

Are you serious? I dont know who the hell you've been seeing, but are you sure you've been giving the whole story? Write down exactly your original post, and she what he/she makes of it.

Well reading all of your posts has made me think that I should be taking even more of her problems on myself, and blaming myself... and you've really messed up my head and I feel pretty fcuking frustrated and depressed right now...

I cannot believe you have the audacity to feel sorry for yourself. By far your g/f has the more serious problems of all.

1)Anorexia

2)A selfish boyfriend who wants to keep her that way, because her starved body turns him on.

I suggest that when going to these session with your counsillor, ask if you can bring your g/f. Iron this shit right out.

thanks for that... I know where to come when I need help eh...

You knew there was a high possibility that people wouldnt be pleased with you, because you are in fact very shallow, and selfish to boot. You down right refuse to listen now, because you arent hearing what you want to hear.

I think its suffice to say that anyone that disagrees with your behaviour here is frustrated that you dont see to see the urgency in this matter. She may never break this habit, because you arent (truthfully) helping her.

Now, you can choose to get all cut up about what you've heard back from everyone here, or you can soak it up and make some good choices for your girlfriend, and in turn the guilt will go away. Because thats what is really bothering you.

axer

otherexic wrote: »

Reading a lot of those posts made me feel very depressed...

The truth hurts sometimes.

otherexic wrote: »

sometimes I wonder if this is the wrong place to go for help...

because you have not been told what you want to hear?

otherexic wrote: »

sometimes I think people need to leave behind their preconceived notions and personal prejudices when responding to sensitive issues like this one. Sometimes you can do more harm than good... just remember that before hitting the "Submit Reply" button...

People are responding to your posts, your words. Anorexia is a serious condition and that is why people are shocked by your words.

otherexic wrote: »

But you've reaised a lot of interesting points.. albeit with the sensitivity and tact of a sledgehammer (in most cases).. but valid points nonetheless.

Its good to hear you are listening. They maybe harsh but take them on board. People are just shocked by what you wrote is all.

otherexic wrote: »

You seem to selectively highlight the bad parts in my post. I've already said that I've reassured her I don't care what weight she is, it doesn't have to be 9 stone, it could be more.

People highlighted the bad parts because they were the most important and overshadowed any "good" parts. You say her weight doesn't have to be 9 stone but yet you would prefer if she stayed skinny. Her weight should be over 10 stone to be a healthy weight. Please remember that.

otherexic wrote: »

But you've all convinced me now that I'm not right for her, and I feel you have a point. I think if we had more common ground together, and more things in common, my gf wouldn't place so much importance on looking 100%. And believe me, it is not ME who places so much importance on this, it's her... after two years, she will not see me on a friday unless her tan is done, hair straightened, make-up and dressed up.. sometimes I feel she can't relax in the relationship. Now you (yes, you!) will assume "oh he must be one of those assholes, always putting his girl under pressure to look like hot" but I don't... I'm always telling her how beautiful she looks first thing in the morning, with no make up or hair done.

From what I have read, and I can only go from what I have read i.e. your words, you have an issue with body sizes i.e. you want her to be skinny. Even if you do not say it to her she *will* pick it up. If looks is all you have in this relationship then it is not a healthy relationship and you probably should set her free. I just hope she does not think it is because she is not skinny enough for you.

otherexic wrote: »

I'm always telling her how wonderful she is, with casual clothes, it doesn't matter to ME. But she makes such an issue out of looking perfect that maybe our relationship focus is too much in that area. A lot I think is because of her insecurity and inability to relax.. and so naturally, we ended up focusing too much on weight, etc. And don't you go fcuking tellin me again she's insecure because of me, because you don't know what you're talking about... she comes from a very mixed up background and ... well, I don't need to say anymore because it's too painful for me to go into all that again.

The poster that highlighted all the mes and Is is right. She has an issue and you are not helping the situation - please understand that it is a serious condition and stop worrying about yourself for a change. It is not a condition that is easy to deal with from a family/friend/boyfriend point of view but if you cannot drop this "I like skinny girls" attitude then you are bad for her.

otherexic wrote: »

All I know is that it's not all my fault, and I refuse to take responsibility for it. My counsellor said I was taking too many of her problems on, and it was destroying me...

It may not be your fault that she is anorexic but you are not helping the situation. You think you are taking on her problems what about her reacting to what you seem to want?

otherexic wrote: »

Well reading all of your posts has made me think that I should be taking even more of her problems on myself, and blaming myself... and you've really messed up my head and I feel pretty fcuking frustrated and depressed right now...

Nobody is saying you should be taking on her problems but you should not be adding to them either.

otherexic wrote: »

thanks for that... I know where to come when I need help eh...

What did you want to hear?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
having read through the thread carefully, I can see why you're ticked off. But as axer said, nobody likes hearing the truth - especially if it's given as subtely as a sledgehammer!
Anyway, the point is that there nothing wrong with liking skinny girls, but there is something very wrong with a girl putting her health in danger to keep her boyfriend.

She won't get anywhere in therapy unless she has a Fully Supportive (not partly supportive) boyfriend, not one who she knows will be troubled by any weight gain.

And her problems inpact on you, so you are both of you not good for the other. This partnership is doomed because neither of you can recover while in it.

Hopefully she has other supports and so do you which will help both of you to move on.

buzzybee

I have to say this post has made me so sad and upset, you;re going out with this girl because you're suppose to love her for who she is, not for her weight. I understand that you are attracted to a person for how they look but onc a relationship is built you should be loking beyond that and at the beautiful person that i'm sure she is on the inside! Put yourself in her shoes and imagine ow she feels, forget about yourself and help her by giving her the support and lve that she desperately needs.
I've been going outwith my b/f for a long time and my body has changed but i know that he loves every single bit of me, sure i may be conscious of the fact i've a lil belly on me and i jiggle a wee bit in places i used not but i know that he accepts all that, it's the key to a good relationship that you accept your partner flaws and all.
She is suffering from a deadly disease and needs your support right now, you shouldn't be worrying or dwelling on how this happened or whatever part you may or may not have played in this, your focus should now be 100% focused on your girlfriend and how you can help and support her.

LegacyUser

I have had anorexia on n off since the age of 12. I am going through it now n have counselling. I don't mean to be harsh, but u did the wrong thing in putting it across that she needs to lose weight. She was, by the sounds of it getting back on track. From my experience, the anorexia comes back because of what people say to the victim. I couldn't go through a day without someone at school or close friends saying '' you put on some weight, you look much healthier'' even saying the word 'healthier' made me think suddenly.. oh no that means i have put on weight! or the other way round people would say.. '' ooo u look too skinny'' as an anorexia victim, even though u wanna hear that u r skinny.. that puts pressure on you, pressure to lose weight, it is hard to explain but anorexia is 'psychological'.

Some people need more help from their close friends or family, i have learnt to try n cope by myself and i have a bf now who understands, i didn't b4. Sometimes thinking to urself about what u r going thru can help the individual. However, sometimes, i do need my bf's support. I don't have family that understand. but he only talks to me about it, if i talk about it first. But he wud never say i needed to lose weight or if i need to put it on, as he knows that is the WRONG thing to do.

The best thing ur gf is doing for herself is getting help. Professionals are the only one's who can help her out of it. U r her shelter, so to speak, u role is to listen and not judge. It is a very hard thing to cope with, everyday a person with this disorder is constantly thinking about it, all day! I have a simliar tactic to your gf, i have to write down what i have eaten and figure out in my head how many calories and fat that my food has included. It is not good not to eat, even i know this, but i don't need to be told that, as not only is the weight issue going on in my head but the damage i am doin to myself- it's like you have two minds one is saying don't eat this coz u r going to put weight on 'psychological' n the other is saying don't do this, u r harming yourself. Like a battle it is, but the psychological side (anorexia) takes over the other. That's y counselling is needed.


So, yes u r not helping ur gf, if you want this certain image, not at all. You are giving her the worst pressure ever to stay slim. If u r to continue to give out this stupid expectation i suggest you break up, as she is going to end up dying. If you want to help her.. you need to listen n help her thru day to day or as you only see each other at weekends b there for her then, it can and probably is stressful for you, but she has counselling too and if u love her enough u will fight with her. Plus not to have this obssession with over skinny girls.. if that is what it is.

I still need help but for the mo, but i can see sense for other people, but not myself, as i am the one that is going thru it. As long as she is a healthy weight, i don't see the prob. As u said she was on track, n obviously was very happy with the way she looked, so y ruin that? You can still look slim and toned with regular eating and exercise and be healthy at the same time. If she gets to that stage, just watch she doesn't over exercise and damage herself that way,as seeing weight come off can trigger anorexia off too, coz the obsession with the weight loss starts all over. KEEP IT STEADY, KEEP IT SAFE. I hope she gets better.

LegacyUser

I've suffered from bulimia and body issues for years now as a result of bullying in my early teens. It's been said already here, but I just need to stress about <b>how much little innocent comments can have an effect </b> on someone with this state of mind.

I'm 5'6 and 10.5 stone, which is healthy, but in my head I'll always be a bit chubby. One of my friends told me she wouldn't even consider me "curvy", but I can't stop myself thinking this way. I imagine if a boyfriend made any little comment or suggestion about my eating habits or need to exercise it would make me feel awful. A few months ago I booked a holiday to Spain and my mam said "oh better get working on your bikini body", just an innocent playful comment, but this just made me ridiculously paranoid! Things you might be able to say in passing to someone with no body issues can have a major damaging effect on people with eating disorders or issues about their body. Just PLEASE be a bit more sensitive around her.