Classic Quotes

Mossin

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died

peacefully in his sleep. Not kicking and screaming like all the

passengers on his plane."

--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you

get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?

There's a support group for that.

It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's

not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into

doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,

drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball

and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the

infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and

we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend

wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.

There should be severance pay, the day before they leave

you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took

her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,

'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have

better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the

authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm

halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....

I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of

people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime

and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.

Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the

impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida,

but they turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in

case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line

from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?

What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.

Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a

member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.

At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown



18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,

and the dog will give you a look that says,

'My God, you're right!

I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry



19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

--Unknown, (presumed deceased)



20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.

I believe I'll have another beer."

- W. C. Fields

And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English!?

mahamageehad

I'm as sick as a small hospital
I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child
She had a face on her like a well slapped a*se
Your' re as welcome as a f*rt in a spacesuit
My mouth's as dry as a nuns cr@ck
He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup
He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician
As funny as a burning orphanage
He's so camp, he ****es tent pegs
I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes
I feel like a boiled sh1te (hungover)
I'm off like a debs dress
She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
As busy as the dalkey dole office
Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit
As tight as a nun's knickers
I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn
I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van
that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.
Up and down like a hoor's knickers
No show pony but would do for a ride around the house
Did your mother find out who your father is yet?
What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt
I left her with a face like a painters radio
A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard
Jaysus she could breastfeed a crèche
As fit as a butcher's dog
She ' s got more chins than a Chinese phone book
Not even the tide would take her out
Mother Teresa wouldn 't kiss her
Daz wouldn't shift her
Des Kelly wouldn't lay her
A sniper wouldn't take her out
Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle
If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one
She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss off a nettle
She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede
She had a f@nny like a badly packed kebab
If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall