Too afraid to Break-Up

LegacyUser

Hello.....

Not sure where to start really. Been with my b/f for 9 years, I'm late twenties now. We don't live together, no kids. We have been through a lot together but over the past year or so I've wanted to end things with him.

I'm not happy in the relationship & want to finish it but I know he will be heartbroken. I think its the fear of this that is stopping me fron ending it. And as much as I want to end it I'm also afraid of how I will cope without him in my life.
I also feel responsible for him and worry about him a lot (he has suffered with depression etc)

I can see this dragging on for years with me settling for a relationship because I fear of the unknown. I also know its unfair on him and that he should be with someone who 100% wants to be with him.

I guess I'm just looking for some advice from anyone that's been in this situation..
Thanks

dudara

What does he think of your relationship? Have you spoken to him about it? (Just because he suffers from depression doesn't mean that you can't talk to him).

Weidii

OP, the best advice I can give you is to be honest to yourself and to your boyfriend.

Yeah, you've been together for a long time and been through alot emotionally in that time, but if you don't be true to your feelings now you won't be happy a few years down the line, and if you're not happy your bf probably won't be either.

I know it's difficult to split up with someone after having known them so personally for that long, but please be true to yourself. Look after yourself and your own happiness, not just his.

LegacyUser

Been together 9 years and not living together?? Hmm...If hes not the one, move on...you cant live your life constantly worrying about how other people will react....hurtful and all as this seems. And staying together, if its not what you truly want, is doing him-or you- any favours. Yeah itl hurt now but better to hurt now than suffer a divorce later...

Itl be tough, but itl make you stronger and be worthwhile...

Dont setlle for less- or youl always wonder 'what if'..or wose still, resent him for it.

Be strong!!

Been in that situation myself. I think you'll probably know deep down whether you are going to go forward together or just keep going around in a cycle.

You definitely need to talk about it though, you might have a revelation when you get everything out in the open. You may also break up but if you feel like there's no future together it'll be really tough but something that might really need to be done for your and your partner's happiness.

SheRa

I broke up with my OH of eight years, a few months ago. I had doubts about us and couldnt go on. Its been the most hellish experience ever:(. But (yes there is a but) at the same time it is something that I do not regret doing. It wasn't until we broke up that I realised how exhausted I was trying to convince myself that things were great.

Now I dont know if you and your OH should stay together, only you and him know that. But dont let the only reason that you dont break up with him be because you dont want to hurt him. Yes you will hurt him by breaking it off and in doing so you may break your own heart, but that feeling will pass - well in my case get less strong (Im hoping that it will eventually pass:rolleyes:).

He deserves to be with someone that loves him, and you deserve to be with someone that you love and vice versa. Unfortunately sometimes that means making hard decisions. Believe me you will be surprised by how strong you can be when you need to be. PM me if you want to. Good luck:).

LegacyUser

As someone who was dumped after five years, my advice is to break up but not contact him ever again.

The pain I feel on a daily basis is horrendous.

All I want is to forget the last 5 years as if they never happened, your boyfriend will feel the same I am sure.

It sure is a selfish thing to string someone along for years. While you need to split, I hope you can live with yourself for doing this to him.

Karma will catch up with you, no doubt. I feel very sorry for your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

"It sure is a selfish thing to string someone along for years. While you need to split, I hope you can live with yourself for doing this to him."

That is soo uncalled for, the op never said she strung him along...sometimes people fall out of love and i think it is very unfair and callous to project your pain and resentment on her.

Op Im sure you know the best thing to do- This is something you need to do for yourself firstly, and also your boyfriend.

Pythia

noneed1982 wrote: »

As someone who was dumped after five years, my advice is to break up but not contact him ever again.

The pain I feel on a daily basis is horrendous.

All I want is to forget the last 5 years as if they never happened, your boyfriend will feel the same I am sure.

It sure is a selfish thing to string someone along for years. While you need to split, I hope you can live with yourself for doing this to him.

Karma will catch up with you, no doubt. I feel very sorry for your boyfriend.

I don't think this reply is very fair at all.
Personally I'd wonder why you aren't living together or engaged after 9 years. I'm sure he must know something is up.

Why don't you try and find out his opinions on how the relationship is going. He might feel the same way.
Maybe then suggest a trial separation, it'll be easier to handle this way.

Unfortunately, in the end you have to look out for you first and not him and there's no point wasting away your life with someone you're not happy with.

niavie

Be honest with yourself and with him. You know him best.. If he's not right for you, there is someone who is 100% right for both of you out there, in that big bad world. You deserve better than to "settle" and so does he..

Wibbs

noneed1982's post is clearly coming from a position of pain, hence the content. I think he/she raises one point, if you do split then drop contact or at least reduce it for a while to let you both process it. Don't try for friendship straight away, it only really works if it's a somewhat mutual split.

I think 9 years without concrete moves on his part and yours is a bad sign. Píss or get off the pot springs to mind. He's doing what I've seen a lot of guys do and that is stick with the status quo. Be quite sure that if and when you have the talk he will promise big changes. Let's get engaged, married, move in etc. He'll mean it at the time, but unless he wants to truly change that will be a temporary thing IMHO. He may also try the emotional blackmail. Ignore that. You are not responsible for him, only yourself. I don't meant that in a selfish way, the way some act. I mean that you do have a responsibility to be honest and caring with those around you, but you have to look at the bigger picture and see what's healthy for you and indeed him.

On top of that the loss of spark. I would say that if everything else was fine the spark can be regained. Clearly it's not though, so it's an uphill struggle. He doesn't seem to know what you want from this and let's face it after 9 years together he should.

If you do split, this may be the best lesson he ever learns.

itchyend

Quit your jibba jabba and end it
nuff said

LegacyUser

Havent really any advise but im kinda in the same situation...Myself and my OH have been together 7years and living together for 4years and at the moment im trying to break up but its terribly hard. Things havent been great between us for the past couple of years and as she is dealing with depression at the moment I really dont want to be abandoning her and leaving her in a state but we cant go out without having some sort of a row, and i dont like the person she turns into with a few drinks in her.

I know that its gona be so hard for both of us, but i can see her finding it especially difficult..i thought wed be together forever n only last year we were looking at buying a house.

I dont know where im going to live as i cant go back to my mams, il probably end up sharing a house with some random people. She will probably have to go to her mams which she really doesnt want to do but has no other choice really. Im really afraid of what lies ahead but i feel that if i dont do this now il never know how things might have been. We are best of mates but thats not all a relationship should be based on.

LegacyUser

then get out. easier said than done i know...but in the future itl be far more palatable than facing a a worthless marriage. I dunno if couples counselling is an option...could suggest it and gauge her reaction..at the very least it would serve as a hint that things are not ok. if she revolts at the thought...then it might give you an avenue to end it..also- dont worry about the housing situation for now...renting...so what... its a small price to pay for your happiness... may seem callous, but ive never been a beliver in staying in a relationship that you want to exit. just be sure that, that is what you want to do..

LegacyUser

I'm in the exact same way, engaged for the last 7 years and we've been on a break for the last couple of weeks. She needs time to think as do I. The longer the time goes on the more I think we should split up, we bought a house last year and the whole situation is just god awful. She was brave enough to say we had a problem, I was caught up with work and didn't notice.....

Maybe try a break like have...

All though I'm totally confused and I mean totally confused. The couple of weeks apart has though done me the world of good - i've been able to think alot without daily reminders of her and realise that maybe this wasn't meant to be. It's also made me think of my life and what I really want out of it.

It's lonely and tiring but I'm hoping that it will work out for both of us.... all I want is for both of us to be happy..

Best of luck to you - I hope it works out

lilly07

I am only 23 but have been 7 years now and would be absolutly lost without him.. Anyhow you say that you are unhappy and want to end the relationship, have you spoke to your partner about what is making you unhappy, you might be able to work through the problems...

you have been together 9 years and no commitment? maybe he could feel the same as yourself...? I know from myself and my bf if one of us was happy and the other was unhappy then we'd know and cop on to some thing not being right so maybe it might not be as hard as you think......

DD

I know how it is to suddenly realize you are not happy anymore after so many years. Don't waste the time if you have decided your mind, it is bad for both of you. It won't be easy after but the time solves everything.